DS going to live with ExP

[Namechangeynamechange]

I have no idea if this is the right place to post or not but it felt appropriate. Apologies if not.

DS1 is my only son with my ex. I have 3 younger DC with DH, who I have been with since DS1 was 1.
DS1 has always been incredibly difficult, since he was about 2. He was diagnosed with ASD (very high functioning) at age 5.
His behaviour has continued to escalate over the years and last year, we decided, as a family, that he might be happier if he lived with his dad. He has always had regular contact with ExP and we have a very amicable relationship. In the end DS begged us not to make him go there and of course we let him stay with us, I'd never force him to be unhappy. We said he'd move to dads for secondary school, but finish out primary here. He wanted to go up then, he likes the look of the secondary near his dad (though he also loves the taster things he's been to at the one here) He's now end of year 5, so only one year left. He promised he'd stop the violent, nasty behaviour to us and his siblings and for a few months all was fine.

Despite this, this year his behaviour has become out of control. He breaks doors, carpets, furniture etc in rage. He throws stuff around, hits and pushes his younger siblings, screams, shouts and swears at us. He follows people around making irritating, repetitive noises to wind them up. He rages at everyone and refuses to do as we ask (can you put your rubbish in the bin, can you pick stuff up off your bedroom floor, can you get your shoes on please) Basic stuff, he's not Cinderella. He steals - a lot. Toys, food (people's personal special food, tge for a cupboards full he can have but he chooses to take the chocolate coins from a siblings party bag). His triggers are always either: being asked to do something he doesn't want to, or being told he can't have/do what he wants. This is just parenting isn't it? No you can't go out in the pouring rain. No you can't walk to school today, you won't get there in time. Ask earlier tomorrow.

This culminated in an incident at school in which he pushed his younger brother over, who sustained a fair few cuts and bruises. This led to consequences at school and at home (no iPad here, a report card for a week at school). He kicked off, big time, and at one point tried to grab a knife. His father said that enough was enough and he'd take him to live with him, has applied for a new school etc. He lives to far away for shared care and has refused to move back. We still live in our original home area.

DS is distraught. He desperately doesn't want to leave school, he is happy and thriving there and I'm loathe to do it, but he patently isn't happy here either. He's convinced we treat him differently to his siblings, and whilst he's correct that he's told off more often, that's because he behaves this way more often. His siblings get exactly the same parenting if/when they are badly behaved too.

So now I'm stuck in this situation where I feel like I can't help him anymore. We've tried children's services, CAMHS, school (who are great but can't offer much), GP and so on. Nobody wants to help him. He has serious anger management issues. I don't want to lose my son but I feel like I have no choice. I want him, and my other kids, to be happy and feel safe. My DS2 is close in age and really very negatively affected by all this, it's very upsetting. Why has nobody helped us? Why am I being forced into 'sending' my first born away from me? I utterly adore him but his behaviour is destroying the rest of us in our home and family. My husband is at breakdown point as he gets the brunt of it, by virtue of not being biologically his father. No other reason. We've tried everything we can - even my DM had him for a few days and tried to get through to him, he came back and kicked off the day he came home

I just want him to be happy, and everyone else too. He knows I want him here, he knows I love him. I've explained, and he does understand, that it's not him that makes me feel so stressed, it's his behaviour, but he just can't not behave this way. Typically, he doesn't do it for his dad, but as he's only there every other weekend I suspect it's a bit 'Disney dad' and he will if/when he's there more permanently.

How do I fix this? How do I help all my babies?

Yep he has pocket money that he can 'top up' by behaving well, completing chores etc (doesn't matter if he strops about it, if he does it he gets the extra). I struggle to find rewards to motivate him tbh, but he does like having his own money so it's working reasonably well. When he wants it to.

Unclear whether that was a dig at me or not, but it sounds like no matter what, you've decided there's nothing more you can do. Your ten year old has outwitted you and only sending him to his dads will work.

It does sound as if your child needs help and a step away from his normal house will do the world of good. Of course he is scared of an unknown situation but in the end it's better for him and your other kids.

Your husband needs to step up and protect his children from him. They are the most vulnerable victims in thus.

That's not what I said Just that in the case of his emotional intelligence I know better than a forum poster what he can and can't do. I feel that what I've tried to do isn't working, so suggestions of parenting classes/SS/EHCP aren't going to work. We've tried, we can't get them/they haven't been successful. I'd like someone to come along and say 'try this insert new idea here because it worked for us.'

To be clear, zippey he does, and he is as conflicted with this as me. He thinks of DS1 as one of his own, and he hates that he feels he can't keep any of them safe - including DS1.

He has been warned but has chosen to ignore the warning

Illustrates most people's complete lack of understanding regarding ASD.

You can make your own request for an EHCP. Just wrote to your LA with copies of his diagnosis and a covering letter explaining how it impacts on family life etc and they'll start the process.

What will that do for us at home, love ? Genuine question, I thought it was mainly for school intervention. His school is brilliant.

From everything you've said, it sounds like an intense jealously of his siblings, feeling like he's the odd one out at home and also competing with three other children for attention.

At age 10 he is emotionally immature, he won't understand why he is behaving in such a destructive manner and I certainly don't think he has the capability to just stop.

You say he excels at school, academically and socially, so his issues surely stem from his home life?

You also mentioned that you tell him that it's his behaviour that's the problem - not him. That in itself is confusing as they are one and the same as far as I'm concerned. I know you want to make him feel loved and wanted within your home, but you are almost making excuses for him, blaming his behaviour as if it's a separate entity.

I really don't know what to advise because if you send him to his Dads, you are removing him from school at a tricky point (yr 5?) which could cause further problems, or you continue as you are and risk serious injury to one of your other children, not to mention your own wellbeing.

Are you ever really firm with him or do you tend to take a softer approach? He certainly has no respect for you, that much is obvious.

Rise he does excel academically but I wouldn't say he 'excels' socially, but he does cope socially.

I am extremely firm, I'm probably too harsh tbh. I talk things over with him when he's not in a rage, and on the rare occasion that he voices his problems before a meltdown we have amazing results.

As for blaming the behaviour and not him, this is what we were advised to do by professionals after his diagnosis. He is not his behaviour, his choices don't define him.

OP my eldest went through camhs. But my second who has just been diagnosed with ASD was actually seen by neurodevelopment not camhs. Does your children's centre have a neurodevelopment team?

School learning includes social learning, and not participating in school fully socially is not participating in school.
Homework is part of school learning and if he won't do homework, he's not benefitting fully from school.

on the rare occasion that he voices his problems before a meltdown we have amazing results.
You do seem to be aware of his triggers. What if you intervene before the trigger gets bad? What happens if you describe his feelings for him, when he is only in a "variable" state rather than full on melt down e.g. "you look like it's getting frustrating for you to try and get that clean/gosh it's nice to see how you are enjoying that game/wouldn't it be nice if we could walk so fast we could get there in time?".

He does homework, but he does it at school at lunch time. To him school is school and home is home. We're making some progress with it and he'll do project work at home but struggles to do spellings/maths etc. I pick battles and at this stage it's not been one I've been willing to pick on top of everything else.

We can't get in before triggers, if I try the sort of things you've said it sets him off even more. The only way to avoid it is either: have no situation or he decides not to go off on it that day and talk instead. I honestly can't tell which kind of day it'll be until I see him in the morning. He decides of a morning what sort of mood he's in and that's what he sticks with.

He decides of a morning what sort of mood he's in and that's what he sticks with.

I suspect there's a way to harness this. So, when he's in a good mood, talk about the things he needs to do in a week, and how those can be done on days he has the capacity, and on days he doesn't have the capacity if he can find a way to indicate this to you, then he can be left to his own devices as much as humanly possible. (Have you done the capacity example to him, with a jug of water and a cup over the sink?)
So... on low-capacity days he can do things like take his food up to his bedroom rather than sit up at the supper table to avoid the rest of the family/have time to indulge his special interests, if he has any.

Does he have his own bedroom at your house? Space to be alone whenever he needs it?

Yes he has his own room, and the trampoline is 'his' space so if he wants to bounce stress out the others have to leave him to it. We've just recently ordered him a playhouse for the garden to 'escape' to.

I think him going to his dad's is a good thing.

Let him know you'll miss him and look forward to the times you'll see him. Reassure him he can call you when he needs to.

You need to act in the best interests and bear safety in mind with your other children, otherwise their memories will be of getting attacked by their big brother and in their minds... Mum didn't do anything to stop it.

Even though I was you've done everything you can.

I was seriously worried about my DD when she was younger, as she displayed some similar behaviours... And including, but she was perfect at school. It felt like a choice she made.

I took her to the doctors, because I thought she needed a referral to a child psychologist. The doctor said as she only behaved this way at home, he didn't think there was anything medically wrong.

She ran into a glass window and cut herself once, just attention seeking behaviour and if she was ignored, she stomped around and banged doors, until I made some threats to her that I won't go into, before I get pounced on here.

She complained I preferred her sister and never told her off, but her sister was well behaved and apologetic when she did wrong.

I felt I couldn't win with her. I'm pleased to say, she's 7/8 years on she's fine... Other than being a typical teenager.

Like you, I made it clear her behaviour was the issue, not her and that I felt it was deliberate, as she only behaved this way at home.

I found that she behaved with her dad and was a terror for me, but she was also the most loving (still is) and affectionate child when she wanted to be.

Plus she was and still is a top set pupil at school, but I felt like running away from her at times.

Well OP What do you want to do ? Every suggestion someone has made on this thread, it's met with defensive or some other excuse. I realise it is hard but you need to do something as his behaviour will only escalate.

I've seen some children (who have emotional behavioural issues) thrive with Art therapy. I would revisit the EHCP. An EHCP is not just for children who are struggling educationally in school, it's also for children who are exceptionally academic but struggle in terms with their social and emotional needs and yes, from the sounds of your DS, he does have severe emotional needs.

You need to keep fighting the system and keep going back, going back. I've always said, if DS ever becomes physically violent and I have exhausted all options I would of put DS into a boarding or residential school which specialises in Autism and children with behavioural needs.

Getting a EHCP could help, it's not like the old 'statement of educational needs', it does cover things that can help at home as well as school and could help secure him school places for thurther education. My daughter has a EHCP and we have just secured her a place at a specialist school in September, she has ASD but is academically able, she has a place at a ASD school that sits GCSE's. I struggle with her at home at times and as she's getting older these things are becoming harder to deal with, in the future I may need to look into a residential school, I love her to bits but I have to consider what's best for her and the family (her sister and I), sadly sending her to her dad will never be an option as he can't cope with her.

EHCP is primarily for educational needs. Carer's assessment and disability needs assessment are for help at home.

If you have been told no you need to be calling police, going to hospital and building up evidence in the system for how bad it is. Then you need to go down the route of taking legal action.

Yes, the services should just help when you need it but they don't unless made to IME.

If you don't want to be calling EDT/police/ambulance every single time he becomes dangerous then as far as services are concerned they don't have to do anything because without a paper trail the problems don't exist.

(And yes it can be brutal for the whole family not just the child who is in crisis, but it is the only way to actually get help and also is the appropriate and recommended action when someone is dangerous to themselves or others)