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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Make up on shirt

96 replies

deniselydiablack · 23/07/2017 11:14

Bit of history to not drip feed: Me and DP have been together for over 6 years, we've got 3 DDs and we have been really happy, have a great connection, sex life is good and we enjoy each others company usually and argue very little. Kids have brought the usual stresses and strains, no sleep and not sitting down together and talking very often. I'm also a SAHM now because he earns ££ and also recently had a pay rise, I was a TA but got made redundant so he agreed it was for the best and he would support until I found something I wanted to do.

I've noticed over the last 6 months while I've been at home he's been distant, not doing little things etc so I mentioned it and he said it's just that we don't get time to spend together. I started feeling a bit suspicious, not sure where it came from but when checking the washing I looked at his shirts and saw foundation on the arm and lipstick on the bottom half which were not mine! I didn't say anything and waited for the next ones to see if there's more, there have been 3 more with foundation on collar/arm and glitter lipgloss on the bottom half. I'm finding it hard to believe it's innocent but trying. Thinking back, he's been working late and he's also mentioning a female colleage a lot who he does have to work with closely. I've tried to wait it out and see if there's anything else before accusing him because I know he will deny it. I was a bit off with him but didn't say why and he bought me flowers home from work.

I looked at his phone (which I have never done) and saw usual work messages with this person but also I started to type the name in the search box to find phone entries and a search had been done for her. Now I think it's because he's tried to search to delete the entries as there are only 2 and I know there should be more calls than that, they work together so closely. I also found a memo which said 'DELETE' like a reminder to cover tracks? But this could have been for anything! I hate this! What do you think? Help!

OP posts:
ISpeakJive · 23/07/2017 13:02

If it is just blow jobs she is giving him then maybe in his little fuckity brain it's not classed as 'an affair'!!!

RockyBird · 23/07/2017 13:19

alfie I'm not sure but it's been mentioned on MN before. You can check archived messages just by dragging your finger down.

RockyBird · 23/07/2017 13:22

Go into settings in whatsapp and look at chat backup. Deleted messages are stored there unless the user has disabled that option. It defaults to storing them though.

Good luck

Huskylover1 · 23/07/2017 13:31

I've just looked at my whatsapp. My deleted messages are not backed up, and I have never disabled that option. On my phone, you have to choose to back up (which you'd never do if messaged were dodgy).

RockyBird · 23/07/2017 13:32

Ah Husky, it's maybe changed since I started using Whatsapp. I definitely disabled the option many moons ago.

Huskylover1 · 23/07/2017 13:33

*messages

Alfiemoon1 · 23/07/2017 13:49

I've googled it and I think u can do it by plugging the phone up to the computer. He's had a new phone as he dropped his he isn't aware it's arrived so will try it tonight not even sure he has a USB for his phone.

LittleBooInABox · 23/07/2017 14:14

I once got make up on A married mans shirt, I had a bad day at work and burst into tears in the office. This guy (Who was Also a friend at the time) gave me a hug. And boom.

It doesn't look good op sorry :(

Fluerdelea · 23/07/2017 15:10

You need to sit tight and wait. Dont say anything else to him and act normal but start gathering yr evidence. He will slip up you see. The phone is always the giveaway

Fluerdelea · 23/07/2017 15:12

Read 'the script' sure someone on MN will post a link. Try and be 1 step ahead if you can keep posting here OP for support but please act normal and at every chance snoop for your evidence

deniselydiablack · 23/07/2017 15:30

Thanks Fluerdelea, good advice and I agree. Will try and find 'the script' link.

OP posts:
KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 23/07/2017 15:35

This could be useful op

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

Fluerdelea · 23/07/2017 15:48

I really do feel for you OP as many of us have been through similar. I never ever thought in a million years my DH woukd do anything to jepodise our relationship, marriage but hey how wrong I was. MNetters are always going on about the script and I just poo pooed it but boy were they right! My advice would be act normal be nice but snoop as much as you can when he's out. If you know passwords to his email, facebook log on and check rhem...check inbox, sent, deleted folders and drafts. My DH has his phone glued yo him even took it into the bathroom with him then if on charge he'd cover it so it wasnt clear where it was that's what set my mind off oh thdn a long blonde hair on his coat made my mind race. Sure enough one night when he was fast asleep I slept with DS as he wasnt well and logged onto his email via my mobile and saw messages to OW. Made me feel sick...worse shock of my life although I was expecting it. After that I screen shotted everything! A spent a week gathering all bank statements pension info everything then went and got legal advice before my big reveal. My advice try and get one stage ahead gather your evidence

Teabay · 23/07/2017 15:48

Sorry to suggest this, but he could be telling the truth and not having an affair....but he could be paying for services, it's been done before.

Hope you are ok - is there anyone in RL you can talk to about it?

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 23/07/2017 15:49

He looked me straight in the eyes

My ex used to look me straight in the eye to tell me he wasn't back on Adultfriendfinder looking for casual hook ups while my DS was in school. (He was a SAHD and I was the breadwinner)

Directly in the eye with no flicker...like he practiced it op - a hard hard stare.

I'd already found his account though unfortunately for him.

Fluerdelea · 23/07/2017 15:52

Mine too when I did the big reveal he denied everything until I said I'd been to see a solicitor and told him he could tell DS why we were divorcing, his face dropped!

deniselydiablack · 23/07/2017 16:04

No one in RL to talk to. I've had a look on phone today and there's nothing obvious, I'll wait for the evidence though I'm sure I will have some by next week.

Sorry to hear about your experiences Fluer and Ineedmore. Did you know you wanted to leave immediately Fluer?

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 23/07/2017 16:34

Fwiw, it took me 4 years to leave.....it's a huge decision, but you will get there in the end (if he is cheating, and he may not be)

SandyY2K · 23/07/2017 16:47

Get a VAR and put in his car. You can buy one on amazon.

I've accidentally got make up on a man's shirt, but it was around the collar /shoulder area.

All those telling you to ask or show him the stains are way off base. You never show a potential cheater your hand... They'll just start covering up their tracks better.

Say nothing more about it and investigate covertly.

SandyY2K · 23/07/2017 16:50

Sorry to suggest this, but he could be telling the truth and not having an affair....but he could be paying for services, it's been done before.

Yes. That's a possibility too.

debbs77 · 23/07/2017 16:55

Didn't want to read and run. So sorry to read this. Big hugs xxxx

Fluerdelea · 23/07/2017 17:27

OP I always thought no questipn aboit it I eould never be with a cheater. My DH had an EA...he says it wasnt it was nothing just someone he met on a stag night miles away from where we live. They swopped numbers and messaged. But the messages I saw just hurt so much calling her gorgeous and sexy and texting when we were even on a family holiday. I do believe it was an EA as there is no way they have met up but if I hadnt of caught him out would it of esculated who knows. He swears he just felt flattered by the attention and doesnt know why he even carried it on...it was just messages not meet ups..he says. He says he feels ashamed of himself and how much he has hurt me and us and he wants me and our family no one else. I was rock bottom and a wreck. Our DS was about to start secondary school and my Dad was really ill so timing was horrendous. Our DS became my priority as soon as he started school he went through weeks of bullying he was distraught and Im afraid right or wrong I just couldnt break his heart...he is such a sensative boy for us to split would be horrendous and I dont think I could of coped...so I stayed for my Son something I thought I would never do. Then bang another trauma my best friend died 3 weeks later and my world just seemed to stop for a long time. We are at the point of still together but I have bad days when I cry at what he's done to us I almost feel guilty as well for letting the side down by not ending it. I have no trust for him and whether right or wrong I dont feel strong enough to handle the fall out if we separate. It's hard to know what to do for the best. Of course I still love him...but sometimes I dont like him. Ive had alot to deal with the last few months and I think I need to get myself in a better place. I take one day at a time. He knows all this but who knows what will happen.

Just gather your evidence first and expect very mixed emotions.

Alfiemoon1 · 23/07/2017 18:00

I am in the same boat fleur I think dh has ea he with a woman at our stables he is insistant they are just friends yet he deletes only their WhatsApp conversations nobody else's. I ve had the your paranoid obsessed mentally ill cards thrown at me because if course he wouldn't cheat. So tonight I am going to try to recover the deleted messages as it's doing my head in

RockyBird · 23/07/2017 18:08

www.jihosoft.com/ios-recovery/iphone-whatsapp-recovery.html

Online search gave me this

Alfiemoon1 · 23/07/2017 18:10

He doesn't have an iPhone it's android but thanks rocky