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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Make up on shirt

96 replies

deniselydiablack · 23/07/2017 11:14

Bit of history to not drip feed: Me and DP have been together for over 6 years, we've got 3 DDs and we have been really happy, have a great connection, sex life is good and we enjoy each others company usually and argue very little. Kids have brought the usual stresses and strains, no sleep and not sitting down together and talking very often. I'm also a SAHM now because he earns ££ and also recently had a pay rise, I was a TA but got made redundant so he agreed it was for the best and he would support until I found something I wanted to do.

I've noticed over the last 6 months while I've been at home he's been distant, not doing little things etc so I mentioned it and he said it's just that we don't get time to spend together. I started feeling a bit suspicious, not sure where it came from but when checking the washing I looked at his shirts and saw foundation on the arm and lipstick on the bottom half which were not mine! I didn't say anything and waited for the next ones to see if there's more, there have been 3 more with foundation on collar/arm and glitter lipgloss on the bottom half. I'm finding it hard to believe it's innocent but trying. Thinking back, he's been working late and he's also mentioning a female colleage a lot who he does have to work with closely. I've tried to wait it out and see if there's anything else before accusing him because I know he will deny it. I was a bit off with him but didn't say why and he bought me flowers home from work.

I looked at his phone (which I have never done) and saw usual work messages with this person but also I started to type the name in the search box to find phone entries and a search had been done for her. Now I think it's because he's tried to search to delete the entries as there are only 2 and I know there should be more calls than that, they work together so closely. I also found a memo which said 'DELETE' like a reminder to cover tracks? But this could have been for anything! I hate this! What do you think? Help!

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 23/07/2017 11:53

I've just re read the original post about the where the foundation is on the shirt
Could u possibly monitor the days he's late home to what shirt he was wearing.

deniselydiablack · 23/07/2017 11:57

Yes although since the chat he's not been home late. The makeup has been there though so must be happening in the day.

OP posts:
KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 23/07/2017 11:57

I agree with many other posters, foundation or lipstick could be explained away once but foundation and lipstick this many times looks to be a dead giveaway.

Do you have an iPad/laptop that he also uses?
What kind of phone does he have?

Do you have access to all of the bank accounts? Utilities?

CremeFresh · 23/07/2017 11:59

Could you show him the stains and see how he reacts?

deniselydiablack · 23/07/2017 12:04

Finances are separate. If I show him the stains he will lie, he's already done this for weeks by the sound of it. I need concrete evidence but not sure how.

OP posts:
KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 23/07/2017 12:05

I would take photos and videos of the stains.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 23/07/2017 12:06

How does he travel home from work OP?

deniselydiablack · 23/07/2017 12:07

Travels home by car. Photographs and videos done.

OP posts:
KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 23/07/2017 12:10

So he isn't using a train journey to delete texts and emails, if they exist (and it sounds like they do) he is either doing it at work or as soon as he gets home.

Thefutureisbright2017 · 23/07/2017 12:11

OP does he have an iphone? If so do a spotlight search:
From any Home screen page of your iPhone or iPad, touch your finger to the screen and drag down to reveal the Spotlight search field.Type what you're looking for and hit Search.
Searcg words like 'x' 'sexy' 'babe'..

I caught my ex messaging scores of women (prostitutesHmm) this way. It will find even deleted messages. Only first couole of lines will show bit thays enough...

Alfiemoon1 · 23/07/2017 12:12

Maybe keep quiet for a bit but keep an eye on things like the make up times he's home from work
Sorry to say this but it might be an idea to get yourself checked out as it might not be just bj he's getting
Sorry you are going through this op x

deniselydiablack · 23/07/2017 12:29

Thanks Thefutureisbright2017, I wish I could do this but he doesn't have an iphone. Sorry to hear that it must have been awful.

Thanks Alfiemoon1 it had crossed my mind, I will keep quiet and get more evidence.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 23/07/2017 12:30

Hmm. Well, re the looking you straight in the eye and lying....yes, people can do this....certainly my ExH did.

I would:

  1. Borrow the car, then search it (for anything incriminating like another phone/condoms)
  1. Borrow his mobile and go through it. Or look when he is asleep.
  1. Check e-mails/facebook/whatsapp/snapchat

I hope you are wrong though!!

Thefutureisbright2017 · 23/07/2017 12:36

Android phones have a similar search function. Google it.
It was awful OP but so glad to be away now.Smile
Definately keep quiet, they soon slip up and you'll have concrete evidence. It doesnt sound good though tbh.

Alfiemoon1 · 23/07/2017 12:38

Yes get more evidence so he can't lie or make excuses
Try looking at his phone although he may delete conversations between them but look for gaps in the conversation where he may have just deleted that bit that wasn't about work
Can u see his call log on his mobile bill ?
Is it text or WhatsApp they communicate by as on my phone bill I can see dates times that texts were sent but not WhatsApp messages

deniselydiablack · 23/07/2017 12:45

Thanks Husky and Thefuture. I will do all of that and let you know what happens. Can't tell anyone in rl so this has really helped. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
deniselydiablack · 23/07/2017 12:48

Alfie I think it's an internal work messenger. There's no texts at all. No messages on whatsapp either. I could log on to phone bill does it notify though?

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 23/07/2017 12:48

Has his behaviour changed in any other way ? Being on his phone more being more secretive or possessive of his phone is he making more effort with his appearance has anything changed in the bedroom dept between u wanting sex more or less or doing something differently?

HeyRoly · 23/07/2017 12:51

Oh FFS, there's no need to rush back to work. I hate the victim blaming that SAHMs receive when their husbands cheat.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 23/07/2017 12:51

In the meantime OP please pop to your GP and or FPC and ask to be tested for sexually transmitted infections.
My local surgery has tests urine tests you can ask for at reception (even without an appointment) which you use in the loo.

Cricrichan · 23/07/2017 12:53

Make up three different times? You don't need any more proof than that . He's definitely having an affair.

RockyBird · 23/07/2017 12:55

There's a way of retrieving deleted whatsapp messages too.

Alfiemoon1 · 23/07/2017 12:56

Noticed u said dp are u not married? What is your housing situation is it in joint names. Do u have access to his credit card and bank statements to see if there is anything suspicious on there like meals out

RockyBird · 23/07/2017 12:56

The make up on separate occasions suggests to me that the OW is deliberately marking his shirts so that he is caught.

Or he may have a secret thing for wearing makeup himself.

Alfiemoon1 · 23/07/2017 12:58

Is there Rocky bird how? My dh has been messaging another woman and deleting them claiming it's just about our horses but I feel suspicious as why delete them if it's innocent

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