Is it men or is it me? Fed up of being 'happily' single...

[myteadontlie]

Here I am, writing yet another mumsnet thread at 5 am.
I am so frustrated, just don’t even know where to start.
I feel like life has been playing bloody tricks on me.

I don’t know what is wrong with me that I cannot form and maintain a normal relationship, with a normal mature or ready to commit man.

I was with exH for 10 years, it ended because of him cheating, being an alcoholic and then me realising it’s very likely he is a narcissist. Won’t go into detail about it all but it took me ages to kind of build myself up from scratch again.

We first broke up 5 years ago, then got back together after 1 year, then he cheated and left 3 years ago. Now I am totally over him, only angry I wasted 5 years of my life on him, when It could have been done in maybe 3 years, If I hadn’t taken him back.
In the meantime I had a number of short ‘fun’ arrangements, and 2 more serious ones. These two were last year for 3 months, and this year for 6 months. Both ended by men, 1st one was not ‘feeling it’ anymore, the 2nd one realised recently he still has feelings for his ex.

I feel deceived and f*** up by life and myself. All I want is to have a normal stable relation with a decent man. I am not desperate, not high maintenance, all men I ever was with praise me for being laid back and down to earth. I am no tomboy/friendzone type of girl either I guess, I do feel feminine and sexual side of all my relations was always good, and with last man it was just fabulous.

So, it has been 5 years since I am single. In that time I was totally on my own, with not even casual relations for more than 2 years, so it’s not like I am desperate for a man and cannot survive without.
However, I do feel so lonely now. I look around and see so many women who are not better or prettier or nicer than me and they have husbands, partners, boyfriends. I am the only single person in my circle. It feels horrible at times. I was always included, but recently I realised that sometimes I am not invited to certain gatherings because certain female friends just prefer paired meetups, so their men have male company. I have ZERO single friends and very few occasions to meet new people, due to work and childcare situation.

I realised recently that 2 of my work colleagues split with their husbands within last 2 years. One has met a man 1 year ago, they live 2hrs apart and plan to move in together next year when her daughter goes to uni. The other one has met a bloke last October, living 4hrs away, and they moved in together in April! Both women are in their 40s, with kids, sensible, and it has worked for them, despite both men living so far away… so obviously they were the right ones.

Why it is not happening to me?
I am 40 next year, have a gorgeous child, have a career, own house, have done all the ‘being happy’ single thing. What is wrong with me? I am fed up of doing everything alone, especially having fun alone, going for coffees alone, cinema alone, walks alone… it doesn’t bring me joy anymore, have been doing it for 5 years! Yes, I can go with friends and I often do, but they all are busy with their lives, in relationships and cannot really relate to my situation, plus have less time, as they obviously want to share it with their SO and families.

Yes, I am focused on my own life and my daughter too, we spend loads of time together and do great things together, go to places, have fun… but I am not just a mum, I realised, I just miss adult companionship, someone who would care for me.

Last 6 months, when I was meeting the last guy, were just wonderful, not only it was so great to share quality time with someone, but more importantly we really clicked… I fell in love with him, but was very careful and taking things slowly. We were more FwB than a couple, due to distance and his work, and me not wanting to rush things after all I have been through.

All was great until he started pulling away… and one month ago, when we went for a weekend away, he dropped a bomb of ‘ I realised I still have feelings for ex’. He understood he never grieved properly after their relationship ended, and was more ‘guilty’ oh them splitting than he thought, and he thinks he still loves her.
After 2 days of intense conversations about it all he decided he needs to speak to her and try to ‘win’ her back and I just tried to be reasonable… as I have been in his shoes before with my ex… and we were not a proper couple, after all. Actually we both comforted each other as he felt really bad about the whole situation, hurting me and being confused about his ex. We parted on good terms. He knows I fell in love with him, knows he had hurt me, but he had to be honest. F* my life!

I have been no contact with him for 2 weeks, tried to arrange it all in my head. We decided to stay friends as we shared so much together… but now he seems to be ignoring me. Last night I had a bottle of wine, and texted him just a friendly hello… he did not answer.
I really don’t know what am I doing wrong… There is no drama, no desperation in me… I am independent and don’t need a man, but just want one. Last guy kept saying that he feels so comfortable with me, that he feels like he can be himself, that he loves my approach to life…. We always had stuff to talk about and laugh about, never felt bored together, sex was awesome… what went wrong???
It seems like I either meet someone who is not right for me, or even when things go right, they end before they blossom.

I am not even sure if I should stay in touch with the last man. If it’s possible to stay friends. Maybe not now, maybe it needs time for all to settle. It obviously is still too raw. On the other hand the time we had together was so good, he loved it too… so part of me hopes that he just needs time and space to deal with all that ‘ex’ thing and then he might be back. I feel stupid even writing this, I know I should not be waiting for him or anyone, ever, but the truth is that I just don’t have any energy and will and need to start all over again, with anyone else…

So yeah, I will be alone, as I was in the past 5 years, and although I know I don’t need to be good enough to be with someone, because you are always more than enough for the right person… I am just wondering why it happens to me all the time, maybe there is something wrong with me.

Going back to bed to sober up.

You sound down in the dumps

If you want a partner you all you have to do is keep lowering your standards. However, that is unpalatable to many and thus they stay single. Also, and this is tough love, cut the self pity. It's very unattractive. Cheerfulness is desirable however so really work hard on gratitude for what you do have in life. Then the men will come flocking.

I am bloody cheerful. I am known in my circles for my sense of humour and smiling a lot and laughing, being crazy at times when needed, in that good way. Both last men 'loved' the fact that I am a type of a girl who 'loves life' and is 'happy'. Yeah.

That doesn't come across in your post at all.
Maybe you see yourself differently to how others see you...

It's very difficult to turn a FWB to a relationship. Perhaps you should think about how you go into relationships - are you giving men the impression that you are happy with FWB or something casual?

If you were clear from the outset that you are looking for something serious, you are more likely to find a man that wants the same and start off your relationship with the expectation that it will develop into something more.

Well if you're feeling down there's often an element of self-pity, and in OP's situation, why not!

Plus I think most of us who are feeling lonely and posting at 5am wouldn't be sharing in the same way we do with friends during the day.

No advice OP but totally understand.

It's interesting what people say about being positive and cheerful etc. Many times I was wondering if I do come across as a negative or a doom and gloom person, so spoke to friends about it... and they all claim I am pretty balanced, with the twist to the happy side!

I actually made even more effort with the last guy to never be negative, as he hated that with his ex... so even if I was feeling a bit down, I was trying to do 'fake it till you make it' thig and guess what - it did work many times, and did make me feel better/gain distance on number of occasions.

But last night/today I do feel really down.
Work kept me going for the last month, but now I am facing 6 weeks off (working in a school)... DD away with her dad.
I have no real life support as currently no one gives a F... everyone is busy, work people celebrating end of school year, all going on holiday, friends already being on happy family holidays etc. and I don't want to spoil it for anyone with my issues. So yeah, I guess mumsnet is my pity party venue for now.

I just feel so s* and tricked by life or myself, or both... not really sure. And miss 'my' man so bad, when he clearly does not give a s** either!

I was on pof, I was on match. HAD A NUMBER OF DATES WITH NICE MEN but either they didn't like me that way, or I didn't, no chemistry or even enough to start as friends. Apart from last two guys were from OLD.
With both of them I did all the things you say - chatting for a while, then meeting, then it developed naturally. I cannot move to 'next' one as things with last guy were just too good... it' the first man I actually fell in love with after my exH.

I meant both last men were from online dating, too, but with them THERE was chemistry. Moved on from the 1st one easily as he was just a player while the last guy is everything I would ever want in a man....

If you want a relationship, FWB set ups are likely to be painful and unlikely to lead to a relationship.

Also, don't stay "friends" with your most recent ex: he was always a potential bf, not a friend, and you want more from him. No contact is best.

Sounds like you're still in love with the last man, so this isn't so much 'I'm a bored lonely single' but 'I'm heartbroken my ex left me'
I don't know what the answer is but if I were you I'd stop looking for a while, you need a serious break.

It really isn't you. It is that great god timing. Try and focus on yourself, I think you are reeling still from the pain of your most recent ex. Give yourself a mental break for a while.
Nobody's life is perfect, even if it looks that way, don't fall into that trap, plenty of the people you think are cosy in their family bubble will absolutely not be.

This isn't about being single it's about having just broken up with someone you were in love with
I get it, I've never had a decent relationship where I was treated well either and sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. But you need to wallow and be kind to yourself

Huh. I know a guy in a bit similar situation, though of course not exactly... He's really brilliant with kids too. They are out there.

Agree about don't get into fwb or casual relationships. Be clear from the start you are looking for a relationship. The boundaries are clearer then.

I think the first response you had was unfair and unhelpful. I know what you mean that some people seem to move on quickly. Some couples are happy but sometimes when I hear about a friend's relationship or daily life I think I couldn't live like that and I would rather be single.

Why don't you try online dating again but with more serious parameters this time?

I agree with those who say, don't try to be 'friends' with recent ex. Firstly, he's probably trying to keep you at arms length too (witness non reply to 'hello' text) and this will only hurt you more.
Secondly, you loved him and he left you to go back to an ex. That really hurts. It happened to a friend of mine years ago and she's still pre-occupied with it, which isn't healthy after all this time. Focus on getting over the relationship - no contact, keep busy, avoid ruminating etcetera - all the things we get good at doing as reluctant singles. But this might not be for ever, for you - you know you can attract, and love, so when you're over this ex, you might meet someone great. You deserve to

I could have written a similar post, I split from dh 2.5 years ago, have dated a few people since, one cheated on me. I have just met someone else on POF but I have a feeling he's not being honest with me (possibly has someone else somewhere else, works away a lot). Most of the time I am happy being single and then other times I feel really lonely but whenever I meet anyone they turn out to have emotional problems or baggage and they don't want to commit to a serious relationship. I'm close to giving up altogether and excepting that I will be single forever.

A lot of people have been where you are, and it is easy to be despondent when your heart has been broken. However, finding the right person is more likely to happen if you keep open to the possibility that it will happen.

The people you are comparing yourself to may have struck lucky, or give the impression they are - but at some sacrifice (would you really want to move two hours away?).

Be kind to yourself.

Two prices of advice that have worked for me:

1. men like to be teased not chased - make sure they do the work and definitely no FWB.
2. dont lower your standards to keep a man cos you will lose them in the end anyway - better to let them walk away early than after emotional investment on your part.

Could you drop the 'looking for a partner' for a while and just think about ways of making friends and filling your time in other ways through joining a club or organisation. Volunteeering, cycling, mountaineering, skiing, walking, golf, squash, tennis, windsurfing, dance (Latin American or Ballroom for example). That way you'll meet other people and make new friends, both men and women. Often these sorts of clubs have a social aspect too so you extend your networks whilst filling up your time and you get excercise too -all of which is good for the soul. You may meet a potential partner too but if not at least you're not at home feeling sad and unhappy.

Sounds very tough on you. I think no contact with the recent guy sounds the best idea. It's sad it didn't work out, and you fell in love with him.
I guess just try and let yourself grieve the end of it. It's shit you have 6 weeks alone ahead of you.
I feel much the same at the moment, sitting on my own with nothing ahead.
I don't have much advice, just support if you need it.

Yep, I'm feeling the same way too and it's rubbish. I've recently started using tinder but to be honest it depresses me.

Trying to be friends with someone you still have feelings for is very difficult, it will just hold you back and keep you stuck on the what if's and why's - you met him on a dating site, the intention was to date him not be his friend. Cut contact and let him go.

I was single for 5 years.From the age of 31-336.

During this time l gave up casual or non important dates. I accepted l would be single, and just stopped trying.

Then l met Dh

31-36😳

I would have been single for a very long time if l was 336!

I reckon meeting the right person is 99% timing. You've both got to be ready, open, not hung up on your ex, etc, then you've got to have chemistry, be willing to make sacrifices, be happy to accommodate one another work, families, DC, etc. It's a miracle really that anyone ever ends up getting together when you think about all the stars that have to align. So no, it probably isn't you at all - it's just life - which is complicated and messy and utterly shit at times.

As for your friends/colleagues who've jumped straight from one relationship into another - well FWIW I think you've done a far more sensible thing. After one LTR it's good to lick your wounds, reassess what you really want, take some time out. Rebound relationships are easy to jump into ... and also easy to discover that they aren't that great down the line.

If you have six weeks off with nothing much to do I would give some thought to how you can broaden your social horizons. What interests you that you haven't really explored? It sounds like you have plenty of time without your DD around, so you have time to develop some new hobbies or join some new social groups or whatever. This makes you in a far better position than many LPs who have little or no support from their ex. But while you're still pining over this latest guy and hoping that he'll come back you're not in the right place to meet someone new, so give yourself a bit of time. You sound utterly down in the dumps and that's okay. A grieving period is necessary after the end of any relationship.