Is it men or is it me? Fed up of being 'happily' single...

[myteadontlie]

Here I am, writing yet another mumsnet thread at 5 am.
I am so frustrated, just don’t even know where to start.
I feel like life has been playing bloody tricks on me.

I don’t know what is wrong with me that I cannot form and maintain a normal relationship, with a normal mature or ready to commit man.

I was with exH for 10 years, it ended because of him cheating, being an alcoholic and then me realising it’s very likely he is a narcissist. Won’t go into detail about it all but it took me ages to kind of build myself up from scratch again.

We first broke up 5 years ago, then got back together after 1 year, then he cheated and left 3 years ago. Now I am totally over him, only angry I wasted 5 years of my life on him, when It could have been done in maybe 3 years, If I hadn’t taken him back.
In the meantime I had a number of short ‘fun’ arrangements, and 2 more serious ones. These two were last year for 3 months, and this year for 6 months. Both ended by men, 1st one was not ‘feeling it’ anymore, the 2nd one realised recently he still has feelings for his ex.

I feel deceived and f*** up by life and myself. All I want is to have a normal stable relation with a decent man. I am not desperate, not high maintenance, all men I ever was with praise me for being laid back and down to earth. I am no tomboy/friendzone type of girl either I guess, I do feel feminine and sexual side of all my relations was always good, and with last man it was just fabulous.

So, it has been 5 years since I am single. In that time I was totally on my own, with not even casual relations for more than 2 years, so it’s not like I am desperate for a man and cannot survive without.
However, I do feel so lonely now. I look around and see so many women who are not better or prettier or nicer than me and they have husbands, partners, boyfriends. I am the only single person in my circle. It feels horrible at times. I was always included, but recently I realised that sometimes I am not invited to certain gatherings because certain female friends just prefer paired meetups, so their men have male company. I have ZERO single friends and very few occasions to meet new people, due to work and childcare situation.

I realised recently that 2 of my work colleagues split with their husbands within last 2 years. One has met a man 1 year ago, they live 2hrs apart and plan to move in together next year when her daughter goes to uni. The other one has met a bloke last October, living 4hrs away, and they moved in together in April! Both women are in their 40s, with kids, sensible, and it has worked for them, despite both men living so far away… so obviously they were the right ones.

Why it is not happening to me?
I am 40 next year, have a gorgeous child, have a career, own house, have done all the ‘being happy’ single thing. What is wrong with me? I am fed up of doing everything alone, especially having fun alone, going for coffees alone, cinema alone, walks alone… it doesn’t bring me joy anymore, have been doing it for 5 years! Yes, I can go with friends and I often do, but they all are busy with their lives, in relationships and cannot really relate to my situation, plus have less time, as they obviously want to share it with their SO and families.

Yes, I am focused on my own life and my daughter too, we spend loads of time together and do great things together, go to places, have fun… but I am not just a mum, I realised, I just miss adult companionship, someone who would care for me.

Last 6 months, when I was meeting the last guy, were just wonderful, not only it was so great to share quality time with someone, but more importantly we really clicked… I fell in love with him, but was very careful and taking things slowly. We were more FwB than a couple, due to distance and his work, and me not wanting to rush things after all I have been through.

All was great until he started pulling away… and one month ago, when we went for a weekend away, he dropped a bomb of ‘ I realised I still have feelings for ex’. He understood he never grieved properly after their relationship ended, and was more ‘guilty’ oh them splitting than he thought, and he thinks he still loves her.
After 2 days of intense conversations about it all he decided he needs to speak to her and try to ‘win’ her back and I just tried to be reasonable… as I have been in his shoes before with my ex… and we were not a proper couple, after all. Actually we both comforted each other as he felt really bad about the whole situation, hurting me and being confused about his ex. We parted on good terms. He knows I fell in love with him, knows he had hurt me, but he had to be honest. F* my life!

I have been no contact with him for 2 weeks, tried to arrange it all in my head. We decided to stay friends as we shared so much together… but now he seems to be ignoring me. Last night I had a bottle of wine, and texted him just a friendly hello… he did not answer.
I really don’t know what am I doing wrong… There is no drama, no desperation in me… I am independent and don’t need a man, but just want one. Last guy kept saying that he feels so comfortable with me, that he feels like he can be himself, that he loves my approach to life…. We always had stuff to talk about and laugh about, never felt bored together, sex was awesome… what went wrong???
It seems like I either meet someone who is not right for me, or even when things go right, they end before they blossom.

I am not even sure if I should stay in touch with the last man. If it’s possible to stay friends. Maybe not now, maybe it needs time for all to settle. It obviously is still too raw. On the other hand the time we had together was so good, he loved it too… so part of me hopes that he just needs time and space to deal with all that ‘ex’ thing and then he might be back. I feel stupid even writing this, I know I should not be waiting for him or anyone, ever, but the truth is that I just don’t have any energy and will and need to start all over again, with anyone else…

So yeah, I will be alone, as I was in the past 5 years, and although I know I don’t need to be good enough to be with someone, because you are always more than enough for the right person… I am just wondering why it happens to me all the time, maybe there is something wrong with me.

Going back to bed to sober up.

5 yrs single is not just bad timing. It's being too picky.

Men are wankers, I'm 55 and I'd rather live alone now.
My female friends are by far superior to the men I've known. If only I was a lesbian I'd be much happier.

5 yrs single is not just bad timing. It's being too picky.

Speak for yourself. I'd sooner be single than be with a wanker, or someone who bored me, or someone who didn't turn me on. Oh, and logistically, as a single parent, it's nigh on impossible to get out there and meet men.

OP - ten years and counting for me (but I am the wrong side of fifty). I feel your pain.

I am not picky. Not at all. Don't care what a guy has or does in life, as long as we share good conversation, similar values and there is chemistry and fun factor.
Previous guy was much older, didn't want more kids - still liked him despite that and was happy for things to develop. Last one doesn't drive and lives 200 miles away, which made meetings a bit tricky, still totally does not matter to me as he is a great person!
And I have done 2 years totally off dating scene of any sort... so by no measure I am picky or desperate.

Neutrogena you really have no sympathy or understanding for the OP at all. Why not move onto a post where you can be useful? OP I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Please don't feel you have to apologise for having a wallow. Its wallowing to (supportive) people that gets us through. Don't ever deny yourself the way you feel. It is always valid.

5 yrs single is not just bad timing. It's being too picky.

What the fuck?!

6 weeks off... dd on holidays?
Go on a holiday yourself! 😊
Have fun. And don't go for a FWB situation ever again.
Maybe you're too laid back? And don't give the impression of wanting the long term relationship?
I'm not sure.
My mam was single at 37 for 10 years because she had us to look after.
After that she went out dancing and holidaying on her own or with a female friend.
She's had a few bfs but is in a relationship now for tge past 10 years.
So don't give up. Don't feel down.
Get yourself out there with the intention of having fun and finding a commuted man not a FWB.
it will happen

Committed not commuted

There's no such thing as being too picky - it's called having standards and self worth.

I will go on holiday end of August. I also have a little extra job coming up soon in August, not 100% yet but very likely, so will be occupied. But it is just that frustratiin that I have that time off and I cannot enjoy it properly, because this guy is constantly in my head. I made massive progress comparing now to the past, with regards to texting, checking last facebook or if he is online etc - I do not do it while I did with previous man. With this one it really is different, he is such a genuine guy... so kinda shocked he didn't respond to my message. Sometimes I come across stuff that remind me of him -last week restaurant we went to when he came to mine, every day I drive past the cinema we went to on our 2nd date and held hands and cuddled while watching 'The Lion', or see things in shops he likes to buy (picky eater). Now so many things are like constant reminders of happy times we shared... and I struggle there.
Deleted his pics apart from 1, don't even look at it often.
We are not fb friends but chatted a lot on messenger so I do see him when he is online.
I guess, while I understand what happened and accepted that he wants his ex, not me, I still love him. How long could it possibly take to recover....

I understand where you are coming from OP. Its harder when your a single gay Dad and you have a smaller pool to choose from though. I have given up and accepted i will be forever single.

You will recover! Time is a great healer. Be kind to yourself and do things that make you happy.

In time the constant reminders of him will pass, you are just going through the shitty stage. Have you got a project you can throw yourself into? Keeping busy is the thing to do, don't sit and dwell.

I think you're still hung up. It does tend to resonate in the vibes you give off. It's weird how that happens and largely subconscious. Work in getting this guy out of your system first.

I'm not particularly picky with who I go out with, but my heart is picky about who I fall in love with.

On the picky point (piss off Neutrogena - you are not being helpful) I find you can't force chemistry or spark. Which personally I need to want to develop a relationship. If it ain't there it ain't there.
Good luck op.

@Jermajesty - you're very rude, but I forgive you.

To those who say you 'can't be too picky. '
You can, and people frequently are.

If you lower your standards the universe of potential partners becomes much bigger.
If you are not willing to do that, then it's not the universe of men that are the problem but you yourself.

Bad luck may account to a year or two of crappy men, but 5 years! No way. That's setting the bar too high. Lowering the bar is not losing self-respect - it's accepting and acknowledging there are compromises that need to be made for a relationship to happen.

I don't think whether you have a good relationship is down to attractiveness levels. It's about having the emotional intelligence to recognise when someone is compatible with you or not.

Neutrogena ... so what exactly are you trying to tell me? That I am looking for a prince and ignore average men?
This is just fascinating, because whoever I spoke to abut, people who know me in real life, they all keep saying that I actually should raise the bar! That I am being too nice, too tolerant, too forgiving!
I don't expect gifts, flowers, being wined and dined... yes I did go out with my dates but we usually shared the costs. On emotional level - the last man has/had really tough period at work and I was all understanding about it, never complained even once when he had to change/reschedule things with me because of work or family commitments. The one before him could only meet every other weekend because of his kids, and I was totally fine with that, too.
He also wasn't too attractive - I didn't really fancy him that much to start with, but he was nice and I grew to like him, although there was no chemistry to start with... I just want to give him/us a go as he did sound so genuine... he was so into me, and 3 months later came out as a total tosser and player.

The last guy was good looking and chemistry is intense... but lets just say that his work/life situation is far from perfect, and majority of women I know would not want to date him because of that (not driving and living with housemates as he is focused on developing his company, so money is tight-ish.)

I wrote before that it was just 2 men who were more serious, and they both ended it, not me. Also, my actual dating experience is about 3 years - 2 years I was recovering/being on off with ex, it wasn't a normal relationship though, so I kind of feel like I have been single for 5 years.
It all comes down to it being my fault then? Wow.

And to clarify so called 'standards' - is wanting to meet someone, who is respectful, shares similar values, cares about his family, has a job and on top of that - you fancy each other and have a great time - is that high standards?

I don't expect a guy to look certain way, he just needs to be fresh and I must fancy him, but I fancied men who were not regularly 'handsome'.
I don't expect a guy to have a certain income or job, some women would only date high earners, I would not mind dating a guy who works at tescos ffs, if we got on well and fancied each other, and wanted similar things!
I don't mind if a guy has kids or not, wants ids or not, he just needs to be himself and I need to like him that way.... and I did like my last one big time, with all his interests (new to me) and a bit bumpy moment of life.
So how can I 'lower' my standards....?

There was a great Jackie Fleming cartoon which summed up the "you're too picky" thing - letter to an agony aunt detailing all the complete losers she'd been out with, agony aunt's reply "lower your standards and keep trying". There's a lot of women out there strangely invested in persuading other women to date losers - maybe they want to feel better about the completely crap partners they're putting up with, maybe they just like putting the boot into other women, who knows?

My pecking order goes "good partner", "single"... then not even on my scale of acceptability "crap partner".

By good partner I mean nice, kind, respectful (not just to me - he has to pass the "waiting staff and shop assistants test), generous but not a spendthrift (i.e. can't stand tightwads, wouldn't tie myself to someone with a shitload of debt), interesting to talk to, prepared to pull his finger out and work for a living (don't care what at, doesn't have to earn more than me, so long as he is financially independent), sexual chemistry between us.

I will never compromise and accept less than this - that's not being picky, that's being sane and sensible.

To neutrogena and your 'pool of potential partners' - in order to have a pool to pick from, we have to catch guys' eye first, and some of us just don't. I've been single after a marriage breakup for 20 years (barring one 3 yr LDR), open to a new relationship for at least 10 of those years, getting out there doing things I enjoy, leading my life, tried OLD - and I haven't turned down any offers. Sad but true, for some of us.

Hooray to hear a guy's perspective, Smeaton. (Incidentally, from looking round my friends, I'd say it was a sizeable minority rather than a vast majority - more than half the men I know/my friends are paired up with are okay - these boards understandably suffer from selection bias in that no-one would bother posting about their happy marriage).

But yes, "a partner should add to your life, not detract from it" - this, X100!

Last 6 months, when I was meeting the last guy, were just wonderful, not only it was so great to share quality time with someone, but more importantly we really clicked… I fell in love with him, but was very careful and taking things slowly. We were more FwB than a couple, due to distance and his work, and me not wanting to rush things after all I have been through.
***
This part of your post stood out to me. Dating is hard, I know as I have been doing it for three years however, there are warning signs that you can take heed off to end things with an guy sooner.

You say you been dating for 6 months, but you admit you were more FWB than a couple and even after 6 months were taking things slowly. These are all red flags, he never invested in you emotionally and I bet there were lots of signs showing that. Dont waste 6 months or even 3 with men who are not investing in you emotionally, cut them loose asap.

Like I said, I been in the dating game for 3 years. Lot of rejection and short relationships (1-3 months) you get to see the signs of a man who is not really into you.

The man I am currently dating for over two months however is different than any other man I dated so far, he is attentive and is making all the right moves and the relationship is progressing! I was on the edge of giving up dating for good before he came along! so the right man for you will come along eventually, just dont be scared to cut off the meh men before hand.