Is it men or is it me? Fed up of being 'happily' single...

[myteadontlie]

Here I am, writing yet another mumsnet thread at 5 am.
I am so frustrated, just don’t even know where to start.
I feel like life has been playing bloody tricks on me.

I don’t know what is wrong with me that I cannot form and maintain a normal relationship, with a normal mature or ready to commit man.

I was with exH for 10 years, it ended because of him cheating, being an alcoholic and then me realising it’s very likely he is a narcissist. Won’t go into detail about it all but it took me ages to kind of build myself up from scratch again.

We first broke up 5 years ago, then got back together after 1 year, then he cheated and left 3 years ago. Now I am totally over him, only angry I wasted 5 years of my life on him, when It could have been done in maybe 3 years, If I hadn’t taken him back.
In the meantime I had a number of short ‘fun’ arrangements, and 2 more serious ones. These two were last year for 3 months, and this year for 6 months. Both ended by men, 1st one was not ‘feeling it’ anymore, the 2nd one realised recently he still has feelings for his ex.

I feel deceived and f*** up by life and myself. All I want is to have a normal stable relation with a decent man. I am not desperate, not high maintenance, all men I ever was with praise me for being laid back and down to earth. I am no tomboy/friendzone type of girl either I guess, I do feel feminine and sexual side of all my relations was always good, and with last man it was just fabulous.

So, it has been 5 years since I am single. In that time I was totally on my own, with not even casual relations for more than 2 years, so it’s not like I am desperate for a man and cannot survive without.
However, I do feel so lonely now. I look around and see so many women who are not better or prettier or nicer than me and they have husbands, partners, boyfriends. I am the only single person in my circle. It feels horrible at times. I was always included, but recently I realised that sometimes I am not invited to certain gatherings because certain female friends just prefer paired meetups, so their men have male company. I have ZERO single friends and very few occasions to meet new people, due to work and childcare situation.

I realised recently that 2 of my work colleagues split with their husbands within last 2 years. One has met a man 1 year ago, they live 2hrs apart and plan to move in together next year when her daughter goes to uni. The other one has met a bloke last October, living 4hrs away, and they moved in together in April! Both women are in their 40s, with kids, sensible, and it has worked for them, despite both men living so far away… so obviously they were the right ones.

Why it is not happening to me?
I am 40 next year, have a gorgeous child, have a career, own house, have done all the ‘being happy’ single thing. What is wrong with me? I am fed up of doing everything alone, especially having fun alone, going for coffees alone, cinema alone, walks alone… it doesn’t bring me joy anymore, have been doing it for 5 years! Yes, I can go with friends and I often do, but they all are busy with their lives, in relationships and cannot really relate to my situation, plus have less time, as they obviously want to share it with their SO and families.

Yes, I am focused on my own life and my daughter too, we spend loads of time together and do great things together, go to places, have fun… but I am not just a mum, I realised, I just miss adult companionship, someone who would care for me.

Last 6 months, when I was meeting the last guy, were just wonderful, not only it was so great to share quality time with someone, but more importantly we really clicked… I fell in love with him, but was very careful and taking things slowly. We were more FwB than a couple, due to distance and his work, and me not wanting to rush things after all I have been through.

All was great until he started pulling away… and one month ago, when we went for a weekend away, he dropped a bomb of ‘ I realised I still have feelings for ex’. He understood he never grieved properly after their relationship ended, and was more ‘guilty’ oh them splitting than he thought, and he thinks he still loves her.
After 2 days of intense conversations about it all he decided he needs to speak to her and try to ‘win’ her back and I just tried to be reasonable… as I have been in his shoes before with my ex… and we were not a proper couple, after all. Actually we both comforted each other as he felt really bad about the whole situation, hurting me and being confused about his ex. We parted on good terms. He knows I fell in love with him, knows he had hurt me, but he had to be honest. F* my life!

I have been no contact with him for 2 weeks, tried to arrange it all in my head. We decided to stay friends as we shared so much together… but now he seems to be ignoring me. Last night I had a bottle of wine, and texted him just a friendly hello… he did not answer.
I really don’t know what am I doing wrong… There is no drama, no desperation in me… I am independent and don’t need a man, but just want one. Last guy kept saying that he feels so comfortable with me, that he feels like he can be himself, that he loves my approach to life…. We always had stuff to talk about and laugh about, never felt bored together, sex was awesome… what went wrong???
It seems like I either meet someone who is not right for me, or even when things go right, they end before they blossom.

I am not even sure if I should stay in touch with the last man. If it’s possible to stay friends. Maybe not now, maybe it needs time for all to settle. It obviously is still too raw. On the other hand the time we had together was so good, he loved it too… so part of me hopes that he just needs time and space to deal with all that ‘ex’ thing and then he might be back. I feel stupid even writing this, I know I should not be waiting for him or anyone, ever, but the truth is that I just don’t have any energy and will and need to start all over again, with anyone else…

So yeah, I will be alone, as I was in the past 5 years, and although I know I don’t need to be good enough to be with someone, because you are always more than enough for the right person… I am just wondering why it happens to me all the time, maybe there is something wrong with me.

Going back to bed to sober up.

myteadontlie You are me! Except I have two boys... great career, own house, boys are great (8 and 10 so now more independent) and their Dad involved and pays maintenance. I know I am luckier than most! I’m also attractive and fun (so I’m told!) and most of my friends are baffled as to why I am single.

To be fair, I am 5 years post breakup and had a disastrous relationship soon after the breakup that put me off seeing anyone or dating for a few years after. Also spent that time getting my s**t sorted. Been sort of dipping my toes into OLD (not feeling it though!), did meet someone the ‘normal’ way earlier this year but has a FwB situation going on which is fine with me as he is a bit of a mess personally.

I have been relentlessly upbeat about everything but it hurts when your Ex marries the other woman and they are about to have a baby. I think to myself how bloody hard is it to meet someone when I am ready and as it turns out it’s near impossible! So I feel your pain...

If it helps you are not the only person going through it. I know a couple of other great single women (some with kids and some without) who are going through the same and they are the only people I can talk to about the loneliness etc as anyone else in that situation does not ‘get it’. They think I am somewhat being petulant and don’t want to meet anyone. They really have no idea how hard it is when they are coupled out happily!

I try to cheer myself up by thinking that a relationship is not all roses and 90% of the time life as it is is really great - I can admire all the gorgeous men out there without feeling guilty, sex with my FwB is awesome and I can lie in bed as I am now till whenever I want to get up... but when I do feel like you (which I did Friday night) I threw a pity party for one, had a cry and went for a run the next day and now I feel good again. Just want you to know you are not alone!

OP, I just had to reply, if only to say I have an idea how you feel.

I too was single for years in the past after I ended a longterm relationship. I felt so unlucky at the time. I met many men online & in RL: one seemingly amazing man who turned out to be more messed up than you can imagine, I met many men just looking for sex, I met a few who didn't want to commit, one who was still living with his folks & reluctantly divorced ... you get the picture!

I met one man though who was bats about me but I just didn't fancy. It felt like kissing a friend. I often wondered if I should've given him a shot! We had the exact same sense of humour. He had me weak with laughter. He took it hard when I told him I wasn't interested after three dates. Have you met anyone like that? Someone you rejected but got on great with? I think I could've grown to fancy him if I took things slower, who knows... he was certainly good husband material & the shared humour alone was such a big plus.

Also, I'll say another thing. While I was single, two friends of mine got together. She did everything people warn against. She was jealous of his ex, desperate, needy etc but he really fell for her & so they got past all of that. There is no text book way of behaving but there is a lot of luck involved. A guy has to fall for who you actually are.

I think you've been treated a bit badly & you've been unlucky. You must feel raw & sad right now. I get it. I rang the Samaritans once after a guy who chased me left my apartment the morning after saying we should just be friends! He basically used me.

If you really want to meet someone, you will. Keep your profiles up online & in time, if really will happen.

You've been very unlucky it hasn't happened much sooner.

I have been there. I am young, intelligent, career, athletic, friends but no man would come near. My first boyfriend was a narcissist, I was isolated during the relationship until I was at rock bottom and it has taken me so long to get better. I joined dating sites, I lowered my standards, I got jealous of friends with boyfriends, I cried and I cried! I was single for 5 years! I didn’t have children and I was so upset about never having the chance.
Then I decided that if I was going to be on my own forever I was going to make sure everything else was just perfect. So I changed my career and I joined a new running club, I stopped waiting for men and low and behold I met someone. Turns out he was an idiot too so I ditched him after 7 months but within the week of ending that I had 3 other men approaching me. I am still single but I really couldn’t care less. I know someday someone will come along to change everything. Until then i’m good. I think the only change was in my attitude and confidence.
Also just a point- your friends are in relationships but are these relationships all that great? They won’t tell you that part! Better single than with the wrong one!

I feel the exact same. I keep getting 'into' things with boys in their early twenties (I'm 27) and I just feel like I'm wasting time. But all older guys are knobs or taken.

I'm not ready for another child just yet, but would like another when I'm around 30. Feel like that's never going to happen.

And I absolutely refuse to do online dating. I think I need a wider circle and to meet more people

OP, I have felt similar to you in the past.

What jumps out from your posts is that you weren't your real self with your ex. You adjusted your behaviour to a) protect yourself from getting hurt b) to be more what you thought he wanted ie. no negativity.

If you had been able to be authentic, you'd probably have weeded him out sooner and avoided much of the heartache. Now, you'll feel like you've wasted more time and you're back on the scene that little bit more frustrated and that little bit more guarded and the cycle starts again.

Not meant at all nastily, but your post sounds a little like you're protesting too much. You mention many, many times how chill you are, how you are happy on your own and not desperate. Because you know this is where you need to be.

But you're not quite there, because you can't be authentic in these relationships you're having. There's a difference between taking it slowly to get to know someone and getting into a relationship that can't progress in the name of being careful about not getting hurt.

In hindsight, when I was in your situation, I'd probably have done a few things sooner. Like prioritising finding 'single' friends. If yours are all attached, go and make new ones. Broadening your social circle and social life will really work wonders for every aspect of looking for a relationship.

Zombie.......