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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confused- is this a normal man confession?

69 replies

Bluebellsagain · 21/07/2017 16:00

If a man told you they didn't "respect" all the women they had had sex with, and backed it up by making some disparaging comments about past conquests/said they were "a twat when they were younger" (by a few years but not more than 10)-- is this a red flag? Why would some women be the exception to this attitude? Sorry if it's a stupid question but I seriously doubt my perspective these days after years of EA from family then men. I feel uncomfortable about it, but some women I have spoken to say I'm making something out of nothing. Otherwise he seems lovely. That's why it's confusing.

OP posts:

OMFL · 21/07/2017 16:02

He's talking about his past. We all have 1. Don't beat him up for it. At least hes honest.

user1482443190 · 21/07/2017 16:02

He's telling you who he is...I'd run!

Tootsiepops · 21/07/2017 16:04

He has a madonna / whore complex.

DoubleCarrick · 21/07/2017 16:04

What's he saying? Something like "I didn't respect her, she was a slag..." That would be an awful thing for him to say

SlaveToDisney · 21/07/2017 16:05

He's honest at least I think you need to look at whether you think this is acceptable or not. In a relationship it is down to YOUR boundaries and expectations and not what other people think.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 21/07/2017 16:11

I'd think he didn't like women very much so wouldn't want him as my boyfriend

Guccibelt · 21/07/2017 16:15

I wouldn't like that at all. Agreed, some men don't like women and it comes through in comments like that.

silkpyjamasallday · 21/07/2017 16:15

Has he elaborated on why he has no respect for these women? Any man who happily tells you he thinks women are sluts for sleeping with him is also telling you everything you need to know, and that is to run! He will say the same thing about you once you break up. I wouldn't want to be with someone who just hates women, whether they sleep with him or not.

Respect is a key part of any healthy relationship, and you aren't going to get that with him from the sounds of it.

Bluntness100 · 21/07/2017 16:18

What? I assume then he even less respect for himself then? Because it takes two. Or is he exempt?

Mysigynistic, I'd be out of there. If you sleep with him you'll just be another woman he doesn't respect.

BertrandRussell · 21/07/2017 16:26

Did you ask why he didn't respect them?

BertrandRussell · 21/07/2017 16:27

Did you ask why he didn't respect them?

Original poster

Bluebellsagain · 21/07/2017 16:30

Something along the lines of a vulgar term for sex and that he wouldn't use it about a woman he actually respected eg a girlfriend. But then he said he meant when he was younger. It took me by surprise as he seems a very sensitive guy. I guess I just wondered if it's possible to truly change your attitude like that over a few years. I never would want to think I was with someone who didn't like women.

OP posts:

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 21/07/2017 16:39

Nope. See it for the read flag it is!

HarmlessChap · 21/07/2017 16:42

He's telling you he's grown up.

I had ONSs, before I met my DW, and some which became occasional FBs. Respect or lack thereof didn't really come into it, it was just about sex for both parties.

tangledup123 · 21/07/2017 16:42

TBH I wouldn't say I've had 'respect' for the men I've had drunken one night stands with. In the sense of respecting their boundaries/wishes then yes. But in the sense of having deep admiration for them a person then no. I don't expect or need them to have total respect for me as a person either. It's just casual sex.

So I wouldn't necessarily saying this was a red flag or misogynistic.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 21/07/2017 16:45

So basically he's saying they were only good for sex?

Well if he had changed he would've more likely said 'I was a bit of a wanker when younger and slept around and some of the women I'd slept with I wouldn't want to date'

Instead he used a vulgar term which shows he's still got those views - why else would he use it?

That's tenfold if he called them counts.

BertrandRussell · 21/07/2017 16:45

"He's telling you he's grown up."

Is he? I think he is saying that he has no respect for women who have ONS, and thinks of them as slags, or whatever other vulgar, unpleasant work you care to choose, and puts them in a different category to "girlfriends"

Smeaton · 21/07/2017 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IwannaBeDelgadaEnMiPrada · 21/07/2017 16:47

Trust your instinct! Those women did nothing he didn't not do, ie, sleep with somebody in a situation where the relationship wasn't ideal.

AnyFucker · 21/07/2017 16:49

Men with madonna/whore complexes have misogyny running through them like a stick of rock

You have been warned. He will hold you in a high level of esteem then drop you like a hot brick when you fail to reach his "standards"

HarmlessChap · 21/07/2017 16:52

So basically he's saying they were only good for sex?

That's the thing with a ONS or casual sex there is physical attraction but it's not the foundation of a lasting relationship.

IwannaBeDelgadaEnMiPrada · 21/07/2017 16:54

I agree with anyfucker. I dated a guy three times. We sparked off each other massively, humour wise. But he said two things that just killed it. One he believed in the myth of the happy hooker, and based that belief on the fact that he'd had a happy hooker in the back of his cab. Not only his belief but his flawed argument me. Then when we were discussing it and he was trying to defend his belief, he said something worse, something along the lines of there are two types of women, the ones you use/view and the ones who bring femininity in to your life. He didn't phrase it like that but that is what he meant. I had to just leave it. It was a disappointment but if that's what he revealed when he was trying to win me over, fuck, he'd be using prostitutes behind my back by now if I'd ignored it.

AnnaNimmity · 21/07/2017 16:54

He's being a misogynist - less respect for ONS women.

Double standards unless he thinks the same about himself

IwannaBeDelgadaEnMiPrada · 21/07/2017 16:56

HarmlessChap, don't be disingenuous. OP hasn't devalued men she's slept with in the past, or felt the need to make a statement about how she categorised them.

AnyFucker · 21/07/2017 16:58

He is making a value judgement though, HC. Not about the sex, but about the type of women

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