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Original poster

Confused- is this a normal man confession?

69 replies

Bluebellsagain · 21/07/2017 16:00

If a man told you they didn't "respect" all the women they had had sex with, and backed it up by making some disparaging comments about past conquests/said they were "a twat when they were younger" (by a few years but not more than 10)-- is this a red flag? Why would some women be the exception to this attitude? Sorry if it's a stupid question but I seriously doubt my perspective these days after years of EA from family then men. I feel uncomfortable about it, but some women I have spoken to say I'm making something out of nothing. Otherwise he seems lovely. That's why it's confusing.

OP posts:
DoomGloomAndKaboom · 21/07/2017 17:00

Is he saying

a) I was such a twat when I was younger, these are the words I would use to describe women I didn't respect, I was very wrong and I'm ashamed of myself, now I don't behave like that

OR

b) I was a twat when I was younger and slept around with slags, I didn't respect them, but they were only slags

If it's a) then he's grown up, if it's more like b) run for the hills.

HerOtherHalf · 21/07/2017 17:01

"He's telling you he's grown up."

Really? Maybe he is trying to claim he has grown out of using women purely for sex but it doesn't sound like he is expressing any remorse or regret for his past actions. There is nothing at all wrong with ONS or casual sex if that is one's thing but expressing contempt for those you did it with is hypocritical and highly disrespectful.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 21/07/2017 17:06

BTW listen to your gut. It's saying you're uncomfortable. Doesn't matter what other people think - YOU'RE uncomfortable. That is all you need to know.

VestalVirgin · 21/07/2017 17:12

I agree with TheHodge. Listen to your gut.

The people you tell about it don't know how he said it.

They might think he's being honest when he is in fact testing your boundaries.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/07/2017 17:12

"I feel uncomfortable about it"

To be honest, that's the only thing that matters. Not the opinions of the women you've spoken with, not my opinion on here. The fact that you now feel uncomfortable MATTERS. Trust yourself. You've suffered EA before, you are very rightly cautious about experiencing it in your future.

And - "When someone tells you who they are, believe them".

YorksMa · 21/07/2017 17:12

I think we'd need to know a bit more about what he actually said to be sure. Was he saying they were dirty slags for sleeping with him? Or just saying he'd had casual sex with women who didn't mean much to him when he was young?

If a, then avoid. If b, he's just honest and many of us have done the same!

KimmySchmidt1 · 21/07/2017 17:19
  1. do you respect all of the men you have been with, or do you think some of them were a-holes? if so, whats the difference? (I do, but would never confess this to my husband, as it makes me look weak)
  1. a lot of men don't really know how to speak about women properly until they are trained by a woman. my husband is the world's biggest feminist, and occasionally (less so now but when he was younger) he says something vulgar which I have to b0llock him for. He would be mortified if anyone else knew he had said these things.

I think therefore that you should react genuinely and authentically to him, express your contempt for him, and see if he does it again. If he does, then he may be too stupid to learn.

AnyFucker · 21/07/2017 17:20

Trained by a woman ?

Oh dear

RainyApril · 21/07/2017 17:20

I agree that a lot depends on the context.

If he's saying he didn't respect them because they were happy to have a ons then I agree with everyone who's said it shows a nasty, misogynistic attitude.

If he's saying that he's met women in the past that he didn't particularly like, admire or respect but went ahead and had sex with them anyway then I don't see that as misogynistic.

I have female friends who date men and categorise them as relationship material or ons material depending on compatibility.

VestalVirgin · 21/07/2017 17:27

I don't think we need to analyze context here. OP was made uncomfortable by it. That's enough reason to run for the hills. Clearly, her gut already analyzed the context and came to a conclusion.

Especially as a survivor of emotional abuse, it is important to stay safe.

TurnipCake · 21/07/2017 17:29

Definitely Madonna/Whore-ish. Guys I've dated who made disparaging comments about women went onto make disparaging comments about me

If it makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable, I'd be backing away personally

Jijhebtseksmetezels · 21/07/2017 17:30

do you respect all of the men you have been with, or do you think some of them were a-holes? if so, whats the difference?

The difference is the reason he doesn't respect them is because they slept with him on an ONS

He did exactly the same.

He respects himself. Doesn't think of himself as a slag.

Which means he believes in sexual double standards. Men are chancers who can't be blamed for trying. Women are slags who should know better.

Which is stupid, illogical and misogynist as fuck.

So unless he's signed up to a 6 month feminist rehab program for dickheads Grin I'd ditch the dinosaur.

BertrandRussell · 21/07/2017 17:30

"If he does, then he may be too stupid to learn."

Learn what? How to cover up his real feelings by using acceptable language?

simon50 · 21/07/2017 17:38

I think you should be careful here.
What makes him think that he is any better than the slags/tarts, (I assume that's the sort of terms he used?) he slept with ?
To still set himself above these women should sound a warning bell.
If he had said "I had a lot of meaningless sex with women I didn't respect and now regret it" is one thing, but to still show this level of disrespect is a no no.
We can all change, but form your post, he ain't.

VestalVirgin · 21/07/2017 17:44

Learn what? How to cover up his real feelings by using acceptable language?

My thoughts exactly. Women shouldn't "train" misogynist men to use acceptable language. It only helps them disguise their misogyny better.

BertrandRussell · 21/07/2017 17:47

And "the world's biggest feminist" would not need a bollocking to stop him using vulgar language about women, his feminism would have stopped him before he said it.

RebelRogue · 21/07/2017 18:07

I don't think we need to analyze context here. OP was made uncomfortable by it. That's enough reason to run for the hills

This.

It doesn't matter what other people think or feel. They are not the ones dating this man,spending time alone with him and leaving themselves open to possible heartbreak(and that's the best case scenario(.

Original poster
Bluebellsagain · 21/07/2017 18:15

I spoke out and said I didn't like that he said it, why didn't he respect everyone. He had said something the week before about how he had once gone out with a girl he didn't even fancy and that he had forgotten her name whil they were going out, said it jokingly but at the time it stayed with me. He also has a friend who made a crass comment about me being single mum=gold digger. I didn't like the fact it was his best friend. Now I'm not sure he would've stuck up for me. Anyway I spoke up about the respect thing. He sort of brushed it off, then went on his phone and ignored me for 3 mins or so. I was sitting in this bar waiting for him to realise I was looking at him and in the end I snapped about the phone and the comment. He said he didn't know what I was talking about and he didn't have to justify himself to me and that it wasn't a big deal that hed ignored me on his phone while we were out together. All of which I disagreed with but I guess I just came away from it feeling like a judgmental high maintenance cow and I've been apologising and feeling shit. Things had been lovely so I'm now a bit like Confused

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/07/2017 18:18

You apologised to him after that?

Oh dear

Smeaton · 21/07/2017 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TurnipCake · 21/07/2017 18:23

His friend is a rude twat.

His own true colours are rising to the surface.

No need to be apologising to him. Pull the mental flush handle and untangle yourself from this charmer

DancingLedge · 21/07/2017 18:30

Okay, now you tell us more, it's not you, it's him.

Classic control tactics.
He needs you to feel bad and apologetic, so it's clearly understood that from now on it is not acceptable for you to criticise or call him out on anything.

He's a shit.

Discard and move on.

Plenty more fish. And the reasonable ones are prepared to have a discussion about differing points of view. The good ones are actually interested that you see things differently to them.

IwannaBeDelgadaEnMiPrada · 21/07/2017 18:33

He was "training" you not to challenge him by ignoring you,

VestalVirgin · 21/07/2017 18:36

All of which I disagreed with but I guess I just came away from it feeling like a judgmental high maintenance cow and I've been apologising and feeling shit. Things had been lovely so I'm now a bit like

He makes you feel shit. Clearly, the only rational response to that is to not meet him anymore.

You might miss the "lovely" side of him, but is it really worth it to stay with him and feel like shit just because he was lovely in the past?

People often feel tempted to; it is like gambling, if you have won a large sum and suddenly start losing, you may feel tempted to continue in the hope to win again - but you shouldn't. You should cut your losses and walk away.

Same applies to relationships.

TatianaLarina · 21/07/2017 18:44

Bin.