Found out ex has a new girlfriend - feel pretty annoyed/upset (Pretty long, sorry!!)

[mummyrita95]

Hey ladies!

I joined this forum today because I'm in need of some support and honestly I need to vent/listen to advice/experiences.

I'm in a very strange situation, I have been for the past year and a half.

I'm 21 years old and I have a daughter who is about to turn 1. She turns 1 next week.
Her biological father, or sperm donor as I refer to him - was my partner for 4.5 years. We were childhood sweethearts.

This was until he left me whilst I was almost 4 months pregnant with my daughter. He did it completely out of the blue. We lived in a rented house together (Privately rented) which was all in my name as I have worked from the age of 15. One day he kissed me goodbye and seriously never returned home from work. This sounds incredibly far fetched but it actually happened. I tried to call him numerous times as it really wasn't like him to just not return home but he never answered any of my calls. I got a text the next day where he basically told me to leave him alone. Still to this day I have NO idea where this came from. In the end, all that I could get out of him was that he didn't want a girlfriend anymore as he was tired of never being single.

Of course I asked him about the baby. A part of me presumed he had suddenly just gotten cold feet and he outright LIED and claimed he knew the baby wasn't his. This was total bullshit, I've never cheated in my life - he was my first sexual partner. I have no doubt in my mind that he KNEW this too, he just wanted an excuse to ditch me and the baby. The worst thing was - his family whom I had known for 4.5 years along with him backed his sorry ass up and said they agreed, that they didn't think the baby was his.

Around this time I became very mentally unwell. The person I thought I knew better than anyone and trusted with my life had become a stranger. I got talking to an old friend who I had known from my years studying A levels. He used to help out in the classroom and such. He was 7 years older than me so in the beginning I just saw it as an advice type of thing.

When I was around 8 months pregnant we made it official that we were in a relationship. I know this seems very sudden due to me complaining about my ex being with someone new, but please hear me out.
He was there for me from around the 5 month mark of my pregnancy and we began falling in love. I didn't want to deny myself anymore happiness so I went for it. He has been there for OUR daughter from day 1, and he has never treated her as though she is not biologically his. In a few months he has plans to go ahead and adopt her. We recently purchased our first home together - a home that we have both worked so hard for. We have also recently began trying for another baby, we just feel that it is right and it's what we both want.

Due to him stepping up for our daughter I didn't push my ex for child support, however I did inform him after she had been born and he simply never responded to me. I also saw him out a few weeks later whilst I was shopping with my best friend and my daughter and he completely blanked us after giving the pushchair a sly glance. After this I decided he was dead to me and my daughter. What sort of man can do that to his child? I think if he had come forward and made some attempt at apologising I'd have tried to involve him in my daughters life.

So anyway, a year nearly has passed. One day I decided to create an Instagram so that distant family members could see photos of our daughter and such. I got a notification one morning that my EX had followed me on there. When I clicked on his profile I saw that about a month or two ago he got a new girlfriend.

Initially seeing this didn't upset me, I'm totally in love with my partner. I wouldn't trade my current life for my old one ever. However, as I was scrolling down I saw that he had been taking his new girlfriend to all of the places he used to take me. He had even taken her to a restaurant in which he PROPOSED to me when I was 19 and he was 20 (About 8 months before he left me, actually)

To really kick me harder, he had added a caption to the photo where he had put "Actually happy this time." - implying that last time he was in that restaurant he wasn't happy.

One of my friends happens to know his new girlfriend, and being the hot headed type of friend she is, she told his girlfriend that he had a child with his ex. His girlfriend responded with "Everyone knows that's not true. She lied about that being his child to cause trouble for him and to try and get him to stay with her. The baby is her current partners. She was cheating with him during their relationship."

I can't believe that people are actually believing this. It feels like just an injustice too from all the pain he put me through. I make it sound so simple on this post but in reality I was an absolute wreck. I loved him with all of my heart.

How can he have a child walking around and genuinely not care? It's OBVIOUS just from looking at my daughter who her biological dad is. Surely his new girlfriend has done some stalking of her own and seen this?

I'm just feeling so annoyed and low. It's obvious that I never meant anything to him due to the fact he's taking his new girlfriend to places he took me and more than anything it's crystal clear that he has even less respect for his biological daughter.

Please offer me advice on how to overcome this. I've not had chance to vent to many of my friends or my partner as I'm concerned they will start making claims that I still love my ex. I DON'T still love my ex, but he totally abandoned me, along with his child, blatantly lied and is somehow still happy and having a good life. I've had to grow up much faster than other girls my age and I wouldn't trade it for anything but it all just seems so unfair.

Thanks.

You need to just accept you are still angry with him and never got the answers you wanted. You never will.

To me it sounds like you dodged a bullet when he left.

Things like this leave you with a sense of "I'm not good enough" the contrary is true. You are too good for him. You met a good guy, you are bringing up your lovely child.

Honestly I count my lucky stars my daughter's ex is no contact with us. I get to bring her up without a nob in her life x

Also to add-
I never saw any of this coming. He was a fantastic guy in the time we spent together and then one day he just suddenly changed. Everyone said to me that maybe he thought I was cheating and that's why he left me. I don't think that's true - I knew him better than anyone and if he had thought I was cheating he'd have used that as his excuse to leave me if he wanted one. Instead he just claimed he wanted to be single and 'didn't really know why' he was leaving (His own words!!) Throughout our relationship, however, I used to get a horrible gut instinct/feeling that he was up to no good. I never had any evidence of this but I always felt that if he was given the chance he'd cheat or something. He always told me I was just paranoid, but I've NEVER felt that way about my current partner.
This guy is the lowest of the low, I can't believe he is happy and has fooled his new girlfriend into believing his web of lies.

He sounds an utter selfish prick . He wanted to be young free and single well he should have kept his dick in his pants . To set the record straight how about writing to him and asking if he would be prepared to do a paternity test for your baby's sake ? Tell him you want nothing from him but to put things right and prove that he is the dad . It's so unfair the way he has treat you . You sound highly intelligent and eloquent so I'm sure you can word the letter perfectly . If he refuses then I suggest you block him and forget about him and enjoy your new life xx

He should be paying for his daughter. Apply for child support from him. If he contests he is the father then a DNA test will prove otherwise. It is horrible the way he has lied about you to others.

What tricky says - there's an easy way to prove him wrong...

I wouldn't bother with DNA tests or maintenance. He's not interested and your current partner is.

I would hold off on the adoption as it's still very early days (and I think you'd have to be married, not 100% sure though). But leave that as an option for the future.

If you get your ex involved now he could ask for PR and that would potentially scupper any adoption plans.

My eldest two have zero contact with their bio fathers (I'm not as sketchy as that makes me sound, I promise, just made some bad choices), and they are both wonderful teenagers with a great dad (dh).

I do understand how you feel as even all these years later it sometimes stings that my ex moved on so quickly and had a new family. Not because I want him (I left him) but because he rejected my child. But fuck him. And fuck your ex. It's their loss. Your dc is loved and happy.

Does he work? I was also going to say that I think you could claim child support from him and if he contested it he would have to take a DNA test to prove he wasn't. I can totally understand how annoyed and hurt you are over his treatment of you and your daughter. Just remind yourself that hes losing out on getting to know your lovely daughter so hes the loser.

I would force a paternity test out of him, then get him to sign over what parental rights he has do that your new partner can adopt your child if you still want to go that way.

But yeah prove to everyone you aren't lying and that he made the biggest mistake ever, and is a worthless moron.

Yup, second that, pursuing child maintenance is the way to go. I'd do that rather than argue the toss with a pair of bat shits. You can't argue with stupid.

For you OP🌹

If you have the message he sent you while he left, or any other proof of his behaviour towards his daughter (for example any messages you sent him trying to involve him in her life or asking him for a paternity test and him refusing) you should try to get in on the record now. In the future he might change his mind and try to claim visiting rights or even custody and you will have a lot harder time proving he didnt want the baby if its many years after the fact. He might even say you cheated on him and told him the baby wasnt his, and with everyone around him repeating the same thing, it might end up with your word against his.

yep, vote for child maintenxe route here too! I would be cross if I was you too, and frankly I'd want to show everyone that he's a lying shit stain and get a paternity test. 😁

Sounds like you're really happy now though so don't let this consume you.

Absolutely go for child maintenance. If you don't want/need it for your child's day to day living just put it in a savings account for her to have when she is 18. It'll be a nice little nest egg for her.

Emotionally though, you need to move on. You sound very young in your attitude. He's history now.

Block him from your Insta - it will do no good at all to see him or be able to read his bullshit. His GF believes what she's been told. You know it's a pack of lies and so do your friends and family - which is what counts. Ignore them and focus on your life.

The one thing I think you should do though, is establish paternity. One day your DD is likely to want to know about her biological father so I think it's important to establish that she's definitely his (you know she is, but a DNA test would prove this beyond doubt and put a stop to his bullshit that she's not his child).

Another one saying DNA test and maintenance.

It's great that you have a supportive partner who has taken your DD on as his own, but that doesn't change the fact that your ex has a responsibility to help raise the child he helped create. If he doesn't want contact with her that doesn't absolve him of the responsibility to help you pay for the things she needs and wants, to create a better quality of life. If you don't need the money then put it aside every month and use it to help her buy a house or something when she's older. As a pp mentioned, ideally you should get him so sign away his PR so he can't make things difficult later.

Block him on all social media, there's no need to have him on there.

Yes, go for Maintenance, and if he disputes it he will be FORCED to take a DNA.

Seriously, why not? Even if you just take the money and put it in a savings account for your DC.

I'm a bit on the fence about a paternity test and child maintenance. Were you not in a relationship I would totally agree. However, I would be concerned about scuppering future plans of adoption. I assume if he refuse to do the paternity test, you will have to go to court. It all sounds awful and I would wonder what is best for my family. A lot to consider.

I do also think that you should wait until you are married before formalising any adoption.

As for all the shit, please try to ignore it. You are worth more than this and more than him. Social media is not your friend. It is likely one day his current gf will find out just what a prick he is.

Thank you so much everyone! I've never found better advice anywhere than what I've received today on here.

After I saw he had followed me on Instagram I did block him and then I found his girlfriends name out and added her to my block list on facebook (I was previously unaware she even existed, of course)

I think that it is for the best that I do go with attempting to get child support and removing his paternity rights. I'm concerned that in the future when he has matured up a little (He is currently only 22) he will decide that he wants access to my daughter again and I simply can't run that risk when my partner and his family are the only paternal family she knows. My partner was actually made from a legal sperm donor. He has two mothers, our daughter has not two grandmothers, but three! I think this is why my partner accepted her as easily because he knew that you didn't need to be biologically related to a child to love them as your own.

Of course one day I will tell her the truth about her biological father, but personally I feel she would choose not to get in contact with him as she is so included and loved by two families.

I'd scupper his spiteful behaviour by going for child maintenance and DNA test too.
I think you've had a lucky escape op!

He really is spiteful and a piece of shit. The funniest thing is, I think people expect me to be describing an insanely good looking, popular guy when in reality he's the complete opposite. He works part time in a supermarket and has done since he was 18. It used to be me that paid majority of the bills. I found out a few weeks ago he is STILL working in the same store, still doing the same hours. Some people really don't change do they?
I was told throughout our relationship that I could do better but I never listened to anyone because I was young, immature and in love.

@mummyrita95

Sometimes you never get the answers you're looking for and sometimes you have to close it all down without answers.

Should you get a DNA test and push for maintenance?

1. Why would you be doing this ? The real reasons. You don't have to say here - just ask yourself

2.How would your current partner feel about this

1. As you say - your XP only works p/t so you wouldn't get much money

ger child maintenance . Save it for your daughter.

It will piss off the new girlfriend no end.

Agree, get the money you are entitled to, that will rock their boat. They know they are lying about your baby OP so pay no notice, just another lovely trait from their super personalities; you definitely dodged a bullet there.

And, you have a lovely partner now too, I brought my child up without a dad, she turned out better than the two parent families so don't worry about him being absent, good riddance.

OPEN A CASE WITH CMS, AND GET MAINTENANCE!!!!!

Sorry for shouting, but that is the ONLY way, that you will prove to everyone, that he is the biological father.

You also get money, that you can save for your daughter, or spend on her.

It's WIN-WIN.

And it will bring them all down several pegs.

I'm aghast that she is almost 1 year old, and you haven't done this.

Do it today. Please.

childmaintenanceservice.direct.gov.uk/site/public/gb/!ut/p/z1/jY3BDoIwEES_hiu7QTDgjYsiaIwnoRdTylIasCWl8P2S6FGNc5vJyxtgUALTfFGSO2U0H9Zese09zIo0QwyKw2mfYHqNwzjJjwFeIrgBA_YLCd8AfkmKkAOTg6lfd6muN7EEZqklS9af7Tp3zo3TzkMPRaeG5sGVdqS5FjSRXZQgv1GWhPOlWfy593Cc60EJDz8ZOzM5KP8Swdj37dlF1RP38Q63/dz/d5/L2dBISEvZ0FBIS9nQSEh/

He should be paying for his daughter. Apply for child support from him. If he contests he is the father then a DNA test will prove otherwise. It is horrible the way he has lied about you to others.

100% this.

Wouldn't child maintenance end the moment your DP adopts (your dc becomes you and your new partner's) though?

Your dp would also, I'm fairly sure, not be able to adopt without your ex's consent (or at least his not objecting). You may want to take some legal advice on the best way forward.

I doubt that a court would strip him of his PR without some evidence of abuse, and its not something you just get to decide, however shitty his attitude has been. You can keep him off the BC but, if you went for maintenance (which is absolutely your right) you are going to establish his PR as a byproduct and he may decide he's going to ask for contact, which he's likely to get if it got forced to court.