Found out ex has a new girlfriend - feel pretty annoyed/upset (Pretty long, sorry!!)

[mummyrita95]

Hey ladies!

I joined this forum today because I'm in need of some support and honestly I need to vent/listen to advice/experiences.

I'm in a very strange situation, I have been for the past year and a half.

I'm 21 years old and I have a daughter who is about to turn 1. She turns 1 next week.
Her biological father, or sperm donor as I refer to him - was my partner for 4.5 years. We were childhood sweethearts.

This was until he left me whilst I was almost 4 months pregnant with my daughter. He did it completely out of the blue. We lived in a rented house together (Privately rented) which was all in my name as I have worked from the age of 15. One day he kissed me goodbye and seriously never returned home from work. This sounds incredibly far fetched but it actually happened. I tried to call him numerous times as it really wasn't like him to just not return home but he never answered any of my calls. I got a text the next day where he basically told me to leave him alone. Still to this day I have NO idea where this came from. In the end, all that I could get out of him was that he didn't want a girlfriend anymore as he was tired of never being single.

Of course I asked him about the baby. A part of me presumed he had suddenly just gotten cold feet and he outright LIED and claimed he knew the baby wasn't his. This was total bullshit, I've never cheated in my life - he was my first sexual partner. I have no doubt in my mind that he KNEW this too, he just wanted an excuse to ditch me and the baby. The worst thing was - his family whom I had known for 4.5 years along with him backed his sorry ass up and said they agreed, that they didn't think the baby was his.

Around this time I became very mentally unwell. The person I thought I knew better than anyone and trusted with my life had become a stranger. I got talking to an old friend who I had known from my years studying A levels. He used to help out in the classroom and such. He was 7 years older than me so in the beginning I just saw it as an advice type of thing.

When I was around 8 months pregnant we made it official that we were in a relationship. I know this seems very sudden due to me complaining about my ex being with someone new, but please hear me out.
He was there for me from around the 5 month mark of my pregnancy and we began falling in love. I didn't want to deny myself anymore happiness so I went for it. He has been there for OUR daughter from day 1, and he has never treated her as though she is not biologically his. In a few months he has plans to go ahead and adopt her. We recently purchased our first home together - a home that we have both worked so hard for. We have also recently began trying for another baby, we just feel that it is right and it's what we both want.

Due to him stepping up for our daughter I didn't push my ex for child support, however I did inform him after she had been born and he simply never responded to me. I also saw him out a few weeks later whilst I was shopping with my best friend and my daughter and he completely blanked us after giving the pushchair a sly glance. After this I decided he was dead to me and my daughter. What sort of man can do that to his child? I think if he had come forward and made some attempt at apologising I'd have tried to involve him in my daughters life.

So anyway, a year nearly has passed. One day I decided to create an Instagram so that distant family members could see photos of our daughter and such. I got a notification one morning that my EX had followed me on there. When I clicked on his profile I saw that about a month or two ago he got a new girlfriend.

Initially seeing this didn't upset me, I'm totally in love with my partner. I wouldn't trade my current life for my old one ever. However, as I was scrolling down I saw that he had been taking his new girlfriend to all of the places he used to take me. He had even taken her to a restaurant in which he PROPOSED to me when I was 19 and he was 20 (About 8 months before he left me, actually)

To really kick me harder, he had added a caption to the photo where he had put "Actually happy this time." - implying that last time he was in that restaurant he wasn't happy.

One of my friends happens to know his new girlfriend, and being the hot headed type of friend she is, she told his girlfriend that he had a child with his ex. His girlfriend responded with "Everyone knows that's not true. She lied about that being his child to cause trouble for him and to try and get him to stay with her. The baby is her current partners. She was cheating with him during their relationship."

I can't believe that people are actually believing this. It feels like just an injustice too from all the pain he put me through. I make it sound so simple on this post but in reality I was an absolute wreck. I loved him with all of my heart.

How can he have a child walking around and genuinely not care? It's OBVIOUS just from looking at my daughter who her biological dad is. Surely his new girlfriend has done some stalking of her own and seen this?

I'm just feeling so annoyed and low. It's obvious that I never meant anything to him due to the fact he's taking his new girlfriend to places he took me and more than anything it's crystal clear that he has even less respect for his biological daughter.

Please offer me advice on how to overcome this. I've not had chance to vent to many of my friends or my partner as I'm concerned they will start making claims that I still love my ex. I DON'T still love my ex, but he totally abandoned me, along with his child, blatantly lied and is somehow still happy and having a good life. I've had to grow up much faster than other girls my age and I wouldn't trade it for anything but it all just seems so unfair.

Thanks.

Go for maintenance as others have suggested.

About the new girlfriend, though - that is a separete thing from your child. For your own sake you need to let that go. He wasn't going to stay single forever, and his having a new relationship is no more an attempt to hurt you than your new relationship was an attempt to hurt him -- he's moved on from you and you've moved on from him. He isn't wrong to be with someone else.

Honestly? I would just let it go. How would you feel about your ex having contact and playing happy families with your little one and his new girlfriend?

I think you should slow down with the new partner too. He's quite a bit older, you got together very quickly when you were vulnerable. Yes he may be lovely but only time will tell. There's no harm in taking your time over things.

Personally I would just let it go.

A shit father is worse than no father. By no means as she grows up make her aware of who her father is and when she's older give contact details. Don't withhold information. But right now, a crappy in and out father will do her far more damage.

He doesn't want to be involved.
You know he's the father, the people who matter to you also know he's the dad and as your daughter grows up she'll also know. If you get child maintenance involved, forcing him to do a paternity test, you then hand him over all his rights. He'll be able to stop you taking her abroad on holiday. Your current partner wouldn't be able to adopt her without ex's permission (if advise to wait a few years yet by the way).

Why give him all that just for a few quid each week? He's working part time, you'd barely get anything anyway.

I would let him go but keep all proof you've given him past opportunities should he try a sly one.

You may not want him in your daughters life or need any maintenance from him but if it was me, I would have to get a DNA test and claim maintenance and burn it if need be just so this dick head has to face up to reality.
He thinks the child is not his, his girlfriend this its not his and his family. I couldn't have people think I'm a liar and let this waste of space walk away from his responsibilities like he did.

Apply for maintenance, if he denies his father, he'll have to get a DNA test. Then make sure you let everyone know his father and then everyone will see what a lying waste of space he really is.

This is a difficult one.

If you are sure your DD is better off with biological father (aka sperm donor) in her life and you can manage without his money (of which it doesn't sound like you would get a lot) I would suggest seeking legal advice on making sure he has no parental rights. He may need to sign something which it would be best to get in touch with him and only him.
I say this as if you seek maintenance then as a by product of this it will be proven that he is your DD's biological dad. His girlfriend will know, his family will find out and they may pressure him into seeking access so they can play happy families. It sounds like he's convinced them all that there is no chance DD is his. Whilst he probably knows the truth it's a possibility that everyone else is convinced of his lies.
Even if he signs over his parental rights he will be accepting that DD is his biologically, which is why I'd contact only him and do it quietly. This isn't about getting one back or proving anything to anyone. This is purely about the best thing for this little girl.

I'm going to go against the grain and tell you not to bother with child maintenance or the dna test. Because someone capable of abandoning his baby and pregnant fiance is nasty and you don't ever want to deal with nasty again. And neither does your dd.

Yes he should support her but actually he isn't capable of doing that properly. She won't get emotional support from him. My dc have experienced abandonment and it is horrible. You can't save them from the feeling that they aren't good enough for their father.

Cut ties with him. Tell your dd when she asks that her father was unable to do the right thing by you both and make sure she knows it wasn't personal. Eg he had a problem.

The fact he's followed you on instagram means nothing in terms of his future interest in his child. That way pain lies for you both.

If I had my time again I would have allowed my ex to just fuck off and not push for a relationship between him and his dc. Because actually people like that aren't capable of it. And also they try all the tricks to get out of maintenance. He might demand custody eg his mum actually having her in return for maintenance being reduced. Fuck that.

You are young bit people of all ages get duped by these types. They are very charming. He wants you to know about his new gf. Keep off social media. Protect your dd from him and keep yourself private to the max. His current gf will not like his allusion to your relationship in his posts. In a way it's probably him warning her not to disobey him or she'll get the same treatment. He'll have rewritten your relationship to make you sound awful. But she'll work out the truth in the end. Trust me. Anyone else can think what they like, but ime they all work out the truth within a few years.

Why waste any energy on what his girlfriend, friends & family think? It's just not worth it.

Just bring your daughter up & hope if she does decides she wants to meet him later he can act like a half decent person.

More importantly, don't let your DD grow up thinking your current partner is her biological father, if she always knows the truth it doesn't need to be a big deal.

MOST importantly, you'd be very, very, silly to allow a man you've known five minutes adopt your daughter. Very silly. Do not tie yourself to him, through her. IF he loves you both he will be there for you both, adoption or no adoption. There is PLENTY of time to make it formal in the years to come IF it works out. You thought you knew your ex after 5 years, surely you can see that 18 months with someone is FAR too short a time too sign parental responsibility over to a man.

Surely he'll need to dna the child to sign away pr for the adoption . Why would he do it if he truly didn't believe the child was his.

If you're going to do the adoption then I wouldn't bother with maintenance for the intervening period.

I would just do the DNA yourself (get whatever you need from him obviously) and do it online.

Seriously go though CMS and get the DNA test. It's not for you. It's so your daughter knows the truth and so does your ex partner. There is no point in everyone pretending in 2017. The relationship is immaterial at this point.
Also please just drip fed to your daughter that she has another father. It's no big deal. You split with her dad. End of.
Otherwise you will have " A Secret" which makes for a bloody great drama without any need. She will not be traumatised unless you make it a tragedy. These things happen. She has a "father" and the role is filled by a lovely step dad. She knows no different. She wouldn't necessarily have a better life with her real dad in it.

Just be glad you and your daughter are shot of this asshole.

Because honestly, he sounds pretty shit.

If you want to go ahead with a DNA test to prove it. I wouldn't though as it may make him get involved and he will always be in your life then. Also, he might make adoption for your partner difficult.

Just be so glad that she gets the charmer that is your ex and you get a lovely, caring man.

Surely if a child has a living parent they have to be somehow involved in the adoption anyway. My point was that if it's not already proven why would he sign anything as this in itself would be admission of fatherhood to a degree.

Just because he's a shite neglectful twat of a father unfortunately does not mean she can legally give the title to someone else.

Screw that SCUMBAG for Maintenance.... he thinks he can create a little life and walk away from all responsibilities.....

get in touch with the CSA... You will have to pay for the DNA test though... it's worth it just to prove this lying filth in untrustworthy

He sounds like he has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. You and your daughter deserve a million times more than this.
I'm interested to know what his parents make of all this? Have they asked to see their grandchild and be involved?

OP has already said the family side with him. But why shouldn't they if he is telling them he isn't?
You need the DNA so that you have truth. What everyone does then can be based on the facts,
They might not be involved but they can't be uninvolved because of a lie.

I'm guessing that sperm donor is not on your daughters birth certificate? As he would have needed to go with you to register her birth. As this is the case I wouldn't bother looking into DNA tests or maintenance, as maintenance will only be cancelled once your partner has adopted your daughter. As you are the only parent to have parental responsibility you don't need your ex's permission. The adoption process will be much smoother with you only having to share your responsibilities with your partner. There is more information on this website

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/stepfamilies/stepfamilies-legal-information/adopting-stepchildren/

This pathetic excuse for a man (aka sperm donor), knowingly abandoned his fiance and unborn child. He knew he was your first yet he decided to disparage your reputation! Lying to everyone to make himself look like the victim/good guy! He knows that your daughter is his child, he has even had the gall to look at her pictures on Instagram! He is not the Father your daughter needs, she has a Daddy who has taken her into his heart and his arms and is choosing to be her Father! She doesn't need your ex! If you force a DNA test then you may force a whole new can of worms to open, do you want his family who have called you for everything to have access to your daughter? Do you want your ex to have parental responsibility and possibly 50% of care of your baby who he has rejected. No he is not likely but the fact of the matter is, that he could!

Not likely to want to fight for custody, but he could *

I can understand the argument for child maintenance but I'd be cautious of getting him involved in your lives.
I'm assuming he isn't on her birth certificate so doesn't have parental responsibility at the moment but forcing him to accept paternity and start paying maintenance may lead him to apply to be on her birth certificate and once he is you can't then take his parental responsibility/rights away from him as you've mentioned. At the moment he has no rights but once he does theres lots of things he has he right to do. It might also kick him to start asking for contact and want to be involved in her life, same for his family so you'd need to be prepared for that as you couldn't stop that if he went to court for it.
I can understand why you're upset about his new girlfriend but I'd leave well alone and thank your lucky stars you've found someone deserving of you.

I would claim for child maintenance of course.

You've had a tough time being rejected by this man. But the only way forward is to put it behind you and enjoy your present partner and live in the present. What's past isn't going to change however much you fret about it.

Think about couselling to help you let go and come to terms with being hurt. Not sure about the maintenance thing. Of course he should pay but it might mean he is in your life again and you may prefer that he isn't. Hope things work out.

I had to remove my exh as a friend on fb. It's too painful to see him moving on happily in his life when I was bringing up the DCs alone.

I do not use instagram but if you can block him, do.

Can you do a DNA test? Or would he refuse.

You don't have to take money off him after the DNA. If he can't be arsed to make any contact now I certainly wouldn't count on it after.
Men seem to be able to walk and stay gone unless they have beef with their exes.
To be honest whilst it's a massive pain for fathers to be in and out ( as opposed to not at all) that's up to him.
I would hate for him to show up in 10 years to meet your daughter with a " but I never knew if you were mine" sob story. And again it would be your word against his.

He behaved extremely badly, and should be paying maintenance.

If he does wish to see your DD regularly at some point that is OK IMO because he is her biological father and it could benefit HER to have contact.

Rescuepuppy post is interesting - I was just going to ask posters this: if you get maintenance or not from him, is there anything stopping the donor in future years from demanding access? Even after adoption by your current partner? Because as much as donor is a piece of shit who needs to pay up...well long term do what is best for you and your family. Could he get involvement via maintenance?

Ok never lie and say oh your DC is new partner's biological child, but who cares what that ex dipshit is saying about whether he's the bio father and what these other dipshits think. It's clear who the bio father was, don't argue with crazy - you've already given too much time to this "man".

FYI I think he's posting mean comments to try and justify ever having left you. He's trying to put it on you - and who cares. Seems strange that you found such a loving new partner if you're not v nice! He's a fool and be glad to be done with him - all the more reason to never contact him, it's just gold in justifying why he shouldn't be in your lives

OP you sound incredibly level headed - I know there are thousands of things you'd want to say to that loser of an ex but as other posters have said just remember this one thing - you are truly too good for him. And it's sad you couldn't pull him out of the gutter, but that's a sign of how awful he is and not anything lacking on your part. Really glad you found a reliable partner! You deserve good things!

I agree with Catchy. You know he is the father. He knows he is the father. He is happy lying to everyone that he isn't.

He will at some stage pop up in the future and say he didn't know and you will look like the bad one to your DD. When some woman dumps him or he wants to impress one.

Far better to get the DNA test done and dusted.

Also just as others say drip feed in everyday life that your DP isn't her bio father. Then it is no surprise.

Lastly I think it is too soon to be thinking about your DP adopting your DD. It hasn't even been 2 years, you are not married and you don't really know where it will go long term.