Found out ex has a new girlfriend - feel pretty annoyed/upset (Pretty long, sorry!!)

[mummyrita95]

Hey ladies!

I joined this forum today because I'm in need of some support and honestly I need to vent/listen to advice/experiences.

I'm in a very strange situation, I have been for the past year and a half.

I'm 21 years old and I have a daughter who is about to turn 1. She turns 1 next week.
Her biological father, or sperm donor as I refer to him - was my partner for 4.5 years. We were childhood sweethearts.

This was until he left me whilst I was almost 4 months pregnant with my daughter. He did it completely out of the blue. We lived in a rented house together (Privately rented) which was all in my name as I have worked from the age of 15. One day he kissed me goodbye and seriously never returned home from work. This sounds incredibly far fetched but it actually happened. I tried to call him numerous times as it really wasn't like him to just not return home but he never answered any of my calls. I got a text the next day where he basically told me to leave him alone. Still to this day I have NO idea where this came from. In the end, all that I could get out of him was that he didn't want a girlfriend anymore as he was tired of never being single.

Of course I asked him about the baby. A part of me presumed he had suddenly just gotten cold feet and he outright LIED and claimed he knew the baby wasn't his. This was total bullshit, I've never cheated in my life - he was my first sexual partner. I have no doubt in my mind that he KNEW this too, he just wanted an excuse to ditch me and the baby. The worst thing was - his family whom I had known for 4.5 years along with him backed his sorry ass up and said they agreed, that they didn't think the baby was his.

Around this time I became very mentally unwell. The person I thought I knew better than anyone and trusted with my life had become a stranger. I got talking to an old friend who I had known from my years studying A levels. He used to help out in the classroom and such. He was 7 years older than me so in the beginning I just saw it as an advice type of thing.

When I was around 8 months pregnant we made it official that we were in a relationship. I know this seems very sudden due to me complaining about my ex being with someone new, but please hear me out.
He was there for me from around the 5 month mark of my pregnancy and we began falling in love. I didn't want to deny myself anymore happiness so I went for it. He has been there for OUR daughter from day 1, and he has never treated her as though she is not biologically his. In a few months he has plans to go ahead and adopt her. We recently purchased our first home together - a home that we have both worked so hard for. We have also recently began trying for another baby, we just feel that it is right and it's what we both want.

Due to him stepping up for our daughter I didn't push my ex for child support, however I did inform him after she had been born and he simply never responded to me. I also saw him out a few weeks later whilst I was shopping with my best friend and my daughter and he completely blanked us after giving the pushchair a sly glance. After this I decided he was dead to me and my daughter. What sort of man can do that to his child? I think if he had come forward and made some attempt at apologising I'd have tried to involve him in my daughters life.

So anyway, a year nearly has passed. One day I decided to create an Instagram so that distant family members could see photos of our daughter and such. I got a notification one morning that my EX had followed me on there. When I clicked on his profile I saw that about a month or two ago he got a new girlfriend.

Initially seeing this didn't upset me, I'm totally in love with my partner. I wouldn't trade my current life for my old one ever. However, as I was scrolling down I saw that he had been taking his new girlfriend to all of the places he used to take me. He had even taken her to a restaurant in which he PROPOSED to me when I was 19 and he was 20 (About 8 months before he left me, actually)

To really kick me harder, he had added a caption to the photo where he had put "Actually happy this time." - implying that last time he was in that restaurant he wasn't happy.

One of my friends happens to know his new girlfriend, and being the hot headed type of friend she is, she told his girlfriend that he had a child with his ex. His girlfriend responded with "Everyone knows that's not true. She lied about that being his child to cause trouble for him and to try and get him to stay with her. The baby is her current partners. She was cheating with him during their relationship."

I can't believe that people are actually believing this. It feels like just an injustice too from all the pain he put me through. I make it sound so simple on this post but in reality I was an absolute wreck. I loved him with all of my heart.

How can he have a child walking around and genuinely not care? It's OBVIOUS just from looking at my daughter who her biological dad is. Surely his new girlfriend has done some stalking of her own and seen this?

I'm just feeling so annoyed and low. It's obvious that I never meant anything to him due to the fact he's taking his new girlfriend to places he took me and more than anything it's crystal clear that he has even less respect for his biological daughter.

Please offer me advice on how to overcome this. I've not had chance to vent to many of my friends or my partner as I'm concerned they will start making claims that I still love my ex. I DON'T still love my ex, but he totally abandoned me, along with his child, blatantly lied and is somehow still happy and having a good life. I've had to grow up much faster than other girls my age and I wouldn't trade it for anything but it all just seems so unfair.

Thanks.

Ok, I'm going to go slightly against the grain here.

Clearly if everything happened the way you said it did then there is no questioN that he is an arse.

However, I can see that if you entered into a new relationship while still pregnant with his child then it lent real weight to his claims that the baby wasn't his and truthfully there is no reason why his family shouldn't believe him. And before I am flamed for saying that, if a woman came on here wanting to be involved with a man whose partner was pregnant she would be told that it was a really bad idea, the same applies to a woman who is pregnant IMO, it's never a good idea to enter into a new relationship while expecting someone else's child.

So while his dismissing his own child makes him an arsehole, his family and girlfriend believing that the baby isn't his doesn't make them bad people. They're just believing what he's told them, and given you've started a relationship with another man who is bringing up your baby as his own, why wouldn't they believe that?

If you want the record to be set straight, then you need to go after him for maintenance and have proper DNA tests done. And IMO you need to do that regardless because one day your DD will want to know her biological family, and if you tell her you never pursued them because of decisions you all made in your early twenties she is likely to feel resentment towards you. Please don't keep believing that she won't want anything to do with him because of what happened when she was a baby, you can't possibly know that, and you have to leave all avenues open for her to be able to trace him when she is older. And she needs to know from the beginning that your current partner is not her biological dad and that she has biological family out there.

Added to all this, you say he wants nothing to do with your DD, but that's clearly not strictly true as he's chosen to follow your instagram account. That to me would indicate that actually he does want to know about her, and perhaps he is even curious. But is it possible that on some level he believes that she's not his? If his walking away was uncharacteristic could he himself have had MH issues?

Personally I think that anyone who walks away from their child is an arse, but it seems that he's still kept a close eye and I can't help thinking there is something more to this, and that at some point he'll take a step back into her life.

Don't have your daughter adopted by a man you've only been with for five minutes. There's plenty of time for him to adopt her when she's older.

OP I wouldn't bother. I have seen this happen with a friend of mine whose idiot ex made her life absolute hell and caused her no end of stress because when she pushed for CMS he decided that actually he wanted access (I assume to both make her life as hellish as possible and to make himself look good in front of his new gf).
The courts decided he should have access and he lived 200 miles away at that time - she had no choice but to let her little girl go down there 2 weekends a month and it was absolute hell. She hated going, my friend hated sending her but she was forced to. Predictably he got fed up and it was too much effort for him so he gave up but in the interim it was awful.
I'd be careful what you wish for because you cannot go back. Hope it all works out for you. Imagining him playing happy families with your little girl and his latest gf miles away from you is not a nice thought.

You never got closure. I know it sounds so simple but that tore me up when I broke up with my ex. And the LIES! Why must they lie?!

I think there is a simple way to define your feelings. "I'm over him, I'm just not over what he did to me". And there is nothing wrong with that.

I agree that asking for any support could scupper any adoption plans, and I also agree with other posters that it's still fairly early days with your partner to discuss adoption, but if your partner treats her as his own, then for now at least, you don't need a piece of paper to prove that.

Live your life and be happy. It's the best revenge.

And FWIW, your ex sounds like a piece of shit and you dodged a bullet.

Why didn't you make your instagram profile private. If you had done so your ex would have needed your permission before being able to follow but you probably would jave granted it.

I took new boyfriends to places I went with an ex. Why shouldnt I and why shouldn't your ex? It's ludicrous you think they shouldnt go anywhere that he took you, there are a finite amount of things to do and places to go especially for young twenties with limited funds.

I'd question your relationship with your current partner because you're not over this. Why do you even care what he does?

As for closure you dont get it from them. Closure comes from within. You dont need validation or explanation from them.

Closure comes from within as a conscious decision to let it go.

If your partner is going to adopt the child then your ex isn't going to be the father anymore, so frankly I'd just let it go. You're never going to get a satisfactory response because there isn't one. Accept that he grew into a different man from the one you knew and move on.

If your ex is not on the birth certificate and has no PR then he doesn't have to give permission for your DP to adopt your DC. This will make it a lot easier, although social workers may want to make contact with your ex anyway. However, it can't hold everything up if he decides to not respond etc, whereas it will be a total pain if PR has been established.

If you do set up CM, I don't know if it will be backdated before you opened the claim (I think not?) and as soon as your DP adopts your DC the CM will stop.

If the adoption goes through, your ex will have no right to contact your DC until she is 18. He won't, legally, be her father at all. The adoption is considered final.

Honestly, if you want to go ahead with this adoption, I wouldn't try and make contact with your ex - it is just likely to make things harder. Good luck with your new family.

I would get child maintenance. He will still have rights regardless of contributing or not. I don't think you should do it out of spite but I do think a man is a father whether he likes it or not especially after leaving you at 4 months pregnant before you can reassess the situation should that have been an option. (Not saying it was but it would have changed my mind had I known earlier)
He probably won't pay anyway but I would definitely file for it.

Don't know if anyone's already said this but he clearly added you on Instagram so that you would see his picture and caption in the restaurant - very spiteful and to me would suggest he's jealous of you moving on so quickly with a decent man. Glad you've found someone more mature OP and am so sorry about what happened to you with him leaving and how he's treating your daughter. What a prick.

At the moment the only one who has PR for your dd is you. Id think long and hard before your partner adopts her. Then he has as much responsibility for her as you do and you cant just revoke it. You havent been together long, relationships can and do go wrong. Id wait several more years before you consider it.

I wouldn't do anything but block the ex and live your life. If you push for DNA testing you would be proved right but as others have pointed out it could prove to be detrimental to your child.

He could decide to push for access or even custody. He could drag you through the courts to get his parental rights. He could block you taking your child on holiday. He would also likely block an adoption or a name change should you marry your current partner and want to change your child's name as well as your own. There are many spiteful things he Could do with those rights.

If you have any messages or similar from him saying he wants nothing to do with the child keep these just in case then just move on.

He left you in an utterly despicable manner but he likely feels incredibly angry about the speed in which you moved on. There is such bitterness on both sides that tying yourself to this man permanently (which a positive DNA would do) just seems like a bad idea.

Block him, block his girlfriend and get on with life. Also don't tie yourself to your current partner through an adoption either. It is absolutely not necessary. Put a pin in that idea until much further down the line.

DO NOT GO AFTER YOUR EX FOR CM/PR. Seriously. This is a nightmare waiting to happen. I also would not let new bf adopt her. Right now you are in full control of what happens with your child and this is how I would want to keep it.

Previous posters already provided reasons so I won't repeat them. But you could end up with lifelong stress if you pursue this and out of spite your ex decides to become difficult and wants to start having access and a say in what happens in your child's life.

Just block him and move on

Agree with PPs that it is much, much to soon to be ttc and having your new DP adopt your DC.

Try CAB first. Its free. They may refer you to CMS which can take time to sort.

Don't go down the revenge route. I tried that out of anger and Ex has played the system since.

Move on with new partner

I would also just needs to keep any written evidence that he is denying paternity and move on with my life.

Don't let your new DP adopt. Ten years from now, maybe. He could be the most wonderful man on earth, but as your ex proved, you need years to fully get the measure of someone and you're still in the honeymoon period. Some men love rescuing damsels in distress but get bored when everything is calm. Some men like to look after vulnerable women then, when they are feeling secure, become abusive.

I sincerely hope that your new DP is the kind, loving man he appears to be. But just in case he isn't don't tie yourself and your DD to him yet.

MomK2

Just block him and move on

Best advice I think. I allowed anger and revenge to cloud my judgement during separation proceedings and lost big money in the process.

I don't agree with asking him to pay just forget about him & you have a happy life now I am delighted you met the new guy. He wasn't ready to grow up plain & simple. If he stayed he would have made you & your child's life miserable. He's insanely jealous you moved on & are happy. He is regretting what he done &'embarrassed. That's why he can't look at you in the supermarket. He has to make up lies to make himself feel better. He is pathetic. Following you on instagram to write that caption. You should look at that & instead of being hurt just laugh. I suspect the drunken messages will start coming through soon about how he sorry he is etc. You have the power you hold your head up high you have come out the strong one xx

Your dd is the most Important person in all of this.

Regarding bio dad, if your dd is Happy & Content, don't bring unnecessary Stress in to your life! If he doesn't want anything to do with her- his Loss, You don't need to prove who the bio dad is to anyone! You know & when your dd is old enough you will b able pass on the info to her so she can decide if she wishes to pursue or not!

Your new partner seems Lovely but there is no need to rush in to adoption, let your dd decide when she's old enough if she wud like to be adopted by him.

What happened you was Hurtful & Horrible but you are moving fwd with your new life! Don't look back, your ex has moved on & so are you!

You have plenty of Love in your heart, you have a Wonderful dd, Loving partner, Choose to be grateful for what you have & what you have achieved, your Amazing💖