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Original poster

Stag party and strip club

69 replies

Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 09:19

I'm looking for some advice please. Been with my fiance for nearly 9 years. We recently had our hen and stag parties and months ago he suggested they might be thinking about going to a strip club. I freaked out a bit. Mainly because that thought had never occurred to me as didn't seem him as someone who would want to go. I told him I wasn't comfortable. I know people have different opinions about them but i'm not a fan. Also, more importantly for us, we've only been with each other. In the end they booked a life drawing class at a strip club, i wasn't 100% happy but saw it as a compromise as I never wanted to ban him from doing something. I found out in the end that they did go to the club in the evening and he was bought a dance. He did tell me and I do not want to break up with him, I want to make that clear. But i feel like we've lost something. The thought of him seeing another woman naked is making me feel sick and I don't know how to get past it. He does regret it and was distraught at how much he's hurt me. I just don't know how to stop thinking about it. We talk about everything with each other and I hate that I have no one I can talk to about this. I do feel like he's let me down as I did make my feelings clear but am annoyed with myself now as know that so many woman say the relationship is over if they go. I never wanted to do this and didn't think I needed to. Anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
misit · 19/07/2017 09:40

A life drawing class at a strip club? WTF is that?

misit · 19/07/2017 09:43

Sorry OP, didn't mean to be unsympathetic, I would feel exactly the same as you, which is no help at all.

misit · 19/07/2017 10:01

It sounds as though naked women had to be on the agenda in some form or another which makes me wonder if his friends know that you've been his only partner. I've looked up the still life thing, how grim for a stag do. Do you think he knew a lap dance might be planned?

Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 10:05

As far as i'm aware it wasn't a lap dance. Just a semi-private one where each guy had a woman in front of them. I believe him when he said going to the strip club in the evening wasn't planned beforehand. Just wish he'd thought for a second.

OP posts:
Notagainmun · 19/07/2017 10:05

Sorry you are going through this so close to your wedding. I feel the same about strippers as you. I would not go to a male strip club ad I think it is disrespectful to my DH and I have no interest in seeing another man naked.

DH has known from the start how I feel about him actively going out of his way to look at another woman naked and see it as cheating. I would never forgive him and it would be the end for us.

Maybe this is not what you to hear, sorry.

hellomarshmallow · 19/07/2017 10:10

Oh that's awful. I would be just as upset as you sound... so sorry you're going through this. Keep talking and be completely honest about how you're feeling. Would going to relate be an option?

Josuk · 19/07/2017 10:11

Sorry you feel bad. But - and that is not to make it worse - just to put it in perspective - he has, most likely seen other women naked - in print, or on the screen. Makes no difference. Women on beaches in bikinis are all but naked too.
And he lives in a society full of women - attractive ones too, they walk around one the streets every day. And work alongside him.
Same for you and attractive men.

You two made a conscious choice to be together. You love each other. Just be happy you found this - not everybody is as lucky.

You can't control everything in life. Him seeing a naked woman is not a threat to your relationship.

Collidascope · 19/07/2017 10:13

I'm not surprised you're upset. You'd discussed it, thought you'd reached a compromise and he still went along in the evening and got a dance, despite presumably agreeing not to.

Apart from the betraying you, he seems to be one of those men who thinks women are a commodity and that it's fine to buy their bodies. I think that kind of sexist attitude doesn't bode well as far as relationships go. Is he generally a sleazebag or do you think he was trying to fit in with sleazy friends?

I suppose it's all very well him being distraught afterwards but the fact is that in the moment, he put his own wants and impulses first and disregarded yours. This is the man you're planning to marry. Do you feel like you can trust him not to betray you like that again?

Sorry, no real advice, just to say I understand why you feel this way.

Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 10:14

Thanks for all the replies so far. @Josuk I agree with what you're saying but i do feel there's a difference between seeing someone in real life and on tv etc. Also, it's choosing to see it, not just a woman stripping in the street unexpectedly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 10:16

@Collidascope That's the bit that's so hurtful is that in absolutely no other way is he like that and I'm not just saying that. He's the kindest, loveliest guy which makes it worse. I think it was a case of a bit too much to drink, it being his stag and friends around him who were happy to go.

OP posts:
princesscallie · 19/07/2017 10:24

Going to come at this from a totally different angle. I get that you told him not to be but he's a grown adult and you can't forbid him from doing things. Also it does sound like his friends wanted to go rather than him. My hubby has been to strip clubs and so I have I. We went to one together in Thailand actually. I wouldn't call my hubby a sleezebag because of it. (A lot of other things at times but not that) I think its very drastic to be thinking about ending a relationship over it too. I understand that he's the only man you have ever been with but this is very unusual today. But it's up to you at the end of the day. If you want to end your relationship over a couple of hours of silly fun that's up to you.

Collidascope · 19/07/2017 10:25

Yes, the problem is that it's become the norm for men to feel entitled to have that "final night of freedom" (a.k.a. behaving like a bunch of chauvinist, boorish tossers) before "submitting" to a lifetime of monogamy. I suppose that idea muscled out what you wanted on the night. At the very least, give him Kat Banyard's Pimp State for some bedtime reading. I don't know what else to suggest really. You say you've no one to talk to about it. I know he's the issue, but if you're staying with him, do talk to him about it.

thiswillhavetodo · 19/07/2017 10:26

@misit

Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 10:28

@princesscallie I did say in the OP that I do not want to end my relationship at all. Just want some advice on how to get over it.

The reason I say I have no-one to talk to is because I have friends who are more than happy to let their partners go to them so will think i'm being ridiculous. Also, i'm the only one out of my friends whose been in just one relationship which is the biggest issue i think.

OP posts:
thiswillhavetodo · 19/07/2017 10:28

Wrong name tag - sorry!!! @Emma71992 I completely understand what you are talking about - as you stated your issues and worries but it happened anyway. However, if he didn't act on it didn't do anything physical etc I think I would be pissed off a little, but would be able to talk it through with him. Also - brownie points to him for telling you straight away! Honesty goes a long way! Good luck 💐

Blossomdeary · 19/07/2017 10:31

I'm married to a doc who spent a great deal of time looking at, not to say, examining in depth a lots of women!

Bloody stag dos! - they cause so much trouble. Sorry that this has come between you - how silly men can be sometimes, especially when it comes to the macho image. He knows this has hurt you and hopefully it will never happen again.

RhubardGin · 19/07/2017 10:38

Strippers/Lapdances don't bother me. But I know I'm in the minority.

But I would be upset in your position OP as you told him you weren't comfortable with the idea and he should have respected that.

Unless someone had a gun to his head he could have refused. Seems to me that wanting to impress his mates was more important than your feelings.

Hopefully you can work through this.

MollyWantsACracker · 19/07/2017 10:39

blossom I'd really like to think a doctor wouldn't be looking at the bodies of female patients in the same way a bunch of drunken blokes are leering at the females in a strip club Hmm

woundedbutwalking · 19/07/2017 10:40

Hi OP I had a very similar experience with my DH. I knew he was going to a strip club & I got my head around that- then his friends paid for him to have a private dance & that changed everything. The only way we got through it was talking about it to each other. Does your DP understand that he's abused/broken your trust? He will have to earn it back, but he needs to know this is the situation. I was heartbroken to know some naked woman had been dancing & touching my DH & it really knocked all of my confidence out of me. We talked a lot I cried a lot, he wrote me a letter promising to never put others ahead of me again & that meant something.

You will be able to make it past this, but only if you're completely honest about how hurt you are & why. Then he needs to accept these reasons & help you move past them.

princesscallie · 19/07/2017 10:43

@Emma71992 I have to say I understand what your saying about your friends not understanding. I'd be exactly like this. I don't see the big deal at all. I know some of my hubby's friends wives are like you. They don't want them to go but they do and then it's a big secret. So at least your fiancée told you he went. I don't know what to tell about how to get over it but id say the fact that you both have been with no one else is probably part of the reason your so upset. Are u worried that he'd find the stripper more attractive that you?

OnTheRise · 19/07/2017 10:44

It doesn't matter what other people might think ridiculous, or how things are no different seeing a woman naked or on TV. What does matter is that you told him you would not be ok with this, and he did it anyway.

I don't think it's up to you to work out how to get over this. You were very clear in your feelings, and he ignored them. It's up to him to work out how to make this up to you.

And if his friends knew how you felt, they are not good friends to have. That's so disrespectful of them, too.

Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 10:47

@princesscallie Well I'm pretty sure most women think that at some point. They're not going to be ugly are they? I just feel like we had this bond by only being with each other and it's been partly broken now.

@wounedbutwalking I definitely think he knows and is so sorry. I just want to be able to stop thinking about it now.

OP posts:
Jellybellyqueen · 19/07/2017 10:48

I'd be most upset by the fact he'd done it after knowing how you felt about it. Not so much about wanting to impress his mates - more a case of him wanting to have a good lech, I think.

Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 10:50

@jellybeanqueen He has been honest that not a lot of thinking was going on. He hasn't tried to blame a particular friend or completely blame it on alcohol so I know i'm lucky he's honest.

OP posts:
Jellybellyqueen · 19/07/2017 10:52

I know some of my hubby's friends wives are like you. They don't want them to go but they do and then it's a big secret
Always amazes me how so many ppl put their need for a sexual thrill above being honest with their partner. I think it's so disrespectful, it makes me fume that they think creating and keeping secrets like this is okay!
Will you trust him not to do other things you've expressed worries about in the future, OP?