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Original poster

Stag party and strip club

69 replies

Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 09:19

I'm looking for some advice please. Been with my fiance for nearly 9 years. We recently had our hen and stag parties and months ago he suggested they might be thinking about going to a strip club. I freaked out a bit. Mainly because that thought had never occurred to me as didn't seem him as someone who would want to go. I told him I wasn't comfortable. I know people have different opinions about them but i'm not a fan. Also, more importantly for us, we've only been with each other. In the end they booked a life drawing class at a strip club, i wasn't 100% happy but saw it as a compromise as I never wanted to ban him from doing something. I found out in the end that they did go to the club in the evening and he was bought a dance. He did tell me and I do not want to break up with him, I want to make that clear. But i feel like we've lost something. The thought of him seeing another woman naked is making me feel sick and I don't know how to get past it. He does regret it and was distraught at how much he's hurt me. I just don't know how to stop thinking about it. We talk about everything with each other and I hate that I have no one I can talk to about this. I do feel like he's let me down as I did make my feelings clear but am annoyed with myself now as know that so many woman say the relationship is over if they go. I never wanted to do this and didn't think I needed to. Anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
mumwhatnothing · 19/07/2017 10:53

My DH went to Amsterdam when we were dating. I am very naive about drugs etc and it never crossed my mind that would be one of the reasons him and his friends went there in the first place. He also went to a sex show and was pulled up on stage to take part in the fun (not full sex or anything but had a naked woman on him).
I was bloody furious and still am really, some 8.5 years later. I don't think about it much really.

When he came home and told me everything I hit the roof and made it more than clear that in a relationship with me no drugs are allowed as that is a deal breaker 100% and sex shows etc, only if I am with him, which is unlikely seeing as that stuff does not interest me in any way.
Only by making it clear how he had hurt me and abused my trust as well as spelling out my hard boundaries could we get past it and move on. But every now and then discussions like this take me back to some of those feelings and I am irrationally annoyed with him. Luckily he is away on business this month 😛

Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 10:54

@jellybellyqueen I've always trusted him more than anyone so yes this has shaken that a bit. But i do believe I still trust him not to hurt me again.

OP posts:
Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 10:54

I would feel the same as you op . Me and my dh have only ever been with each other and have been together now 19years . If he went to strippers it would kill me and I'd never forgive him . It's a huge disrespect to you as he knew how u felt . I wouldn't leave him but it would take a long time for me to get over it . To me it is cheating and I'd be devastated . Hugs op

princesscallie · 19/07/2017 10:54

@Emma71992 well according to my hubby some of them are not exactly oil paintings. They are not great. But I hear u in that he agreed not to go and then did. I'd say I'm in the minority but I really do think that it's so unusual for people to only be with one person. I'm 100% sure though one trip to the strippers isn't going to change how he feels about u. I think your building it up in your mind. If do did talk to a friend about it it might help you. I'm terrible for over thinking things at times but when I talk them out in the cold light of day they usually are not as bad as first feared. Your friends might not understand your reaction but they should be able to listen to you and give u support.

Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 10:55

@mumwhatnothing That's what I'm afraid of, I don't want it to sit simmering away for years and always be an issue. I can't change it and nor can he.

OP posts:
misit · 19/07/2017 11:05

I have been in a similar situation OP, also been together from very young. I was absolutely devastated too, cried for days at what we'd lost.

What I have learnt over the intervening years though, is that it means very little to most men, there is no comparison with a random woman's body and yours. They don't view you as a body, you're a whole person who they love totally, it's a chalk and cheese situation.

If he's a good person, and it sounds like he is, then this will just become a part of your past, it will fade. I can assure you it will.

Janeinthemiddle · 19/07/2017 11:11

Totally agree with misit. You two will grow passed it. It can be seen you two clearly have genuine love for each other and would only grow to be stronger.

Men are idiots. Even more so after some alcohol. It's good to see some communication going on between you two. Good luck!

histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/07/2017 11:13

Not sure the fact that you haven't been with other people is relevant, is it? What's the suggestion here?

I think its tawdry, and a bit pathetic. A guy who has to pay women to have a look at their arses? Nice. And as for the guys who pay to look at women's bodies and then slag them off to their wives? Not my kind of fella at all.

Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 11:13

Thank you @misit, that's really what I wanted to hear :) I do feel like we've lost something and am concerned I will have images in my head of it for a while but I just don't want it to be an issue forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 11:14

@histinyhandsarefrozen We'd never seen anyone else naked until this, how is that not clear?

OP posts:
histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/07/2017 11:17

I guess I don't see how that makes paying to see women strip for you better or worse.

It's a pretty slimey thing to do whether you've seen lots of naked women or none.

Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 11:20

I agree as previously said I don't agree with strip clubs but if he'd had a girlfriend before me I think it would have made a difference, at least to how I feel.

OP posts:
princesscallie · 19/07/2017 11:21

I've had issues with hubby also. Not strip club related but he did something that hurt me a lot. We have gotten over it but it did involve alot of talking. The pain does fade as @misit said. You have a choice to dwell on it or to try put it behind you. I have you choose the latter as the more you dwell on things the more hurt they cause. He does seem to be really sorry.

Men are total idiots at times.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/07/2017 11:24

Its really good that you've told him how you feel and he's taken that on board.

He has fallen in your esteem, and rightly so. Hopefully, he'll learn from that...

Peaches77 · 19/07/2017 11:33

This happened to me I ended up going a head with the wedding and wish I hadn't. Sounds stupid but the trust went after that night and never came back for me. Hope you're ok

Hunted68 · 19/07/2017 11:38

A lifetime of marriage will throw worse than this at you. I wouldn't throw a living relationship away over this. I think you have made your views clear now and it's unlikely he will go again. The vast majority of men who go to clubs on lads trips do not enjoy it and do not get sexually excited at them. It's a bit of a gang mentality.

Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 11:44

You guys will be able to get past it . The reason why them both not being with anyone else is so relevant is because it's a special bond only those 2 share . Same with me and my dh . My dh has never touched another woman's boobs or seen another woman's vagina (apart from maybe a dodgy nude calendar or something like that) so I can see why op would be so hurt at receiving a lap dance . It would absolutely break my heart too . My dh always says what we have is so special and has told me that he would hate me being with another man . I know exactly what u mean op and can relate to why you feel so hurt. Yes he didn't touch but he looked and for you that was him dis respecting you because you had discussed that it would make you in comfortable . He must show remorse and be apologetic for you to be able to move past this . It will take time but you guys will get through it

NearlyFree17 · 19/07/2017 11:55

Many blokes would see strippers on a stag night as perfectly normal, and that "what goes on tour, stays on tour". They were probably giving him a hard time for being pussy-whipped. Of course he shouldn't have broken his promise to you but I can imagine if he was a bit pissed he could have been persuaded.

If you don't like this stuff OP then you had better get him to agree not to go on any other stag nights that are likely to feature this kind of thing, as chances are he won't be able to say no.

twisterinyogapants · 19/07/2017 12:59

How would he feel if you went to something like dream boys and got pulled up on stage.

Not suggesting you do I can't think of anything worse.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/07/2017 13:29

How would he feel if on a hen night, you sat on some random's lap, ground against him and shoved your boobs into his face?

Probably not thrilled.

Original poster
Emma71992 · 19/07/2017 15:12

Thank you all for your replies. I'm glad to know that I'm not unreasonable in feeling the way I do

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 19/07/2017 15:29

I doubt your fiancé found the dance particularly titillating.

He'd have been pissed, probably thinking "shit, I know that Emma's going to hate this" and generally wondering how he let himself get dragged to it. I'd be very surprised if he was sat there actually "enjoying" it in any meaningful way.

Fathersyros · 19/07/2017 16:14

As a veteran of too many stag dos, many of which involve a trip to a strip club - one of the things people often don't appreciate is that this is not something sexually exciting - it is a woman dancing in front of you for 2 minutes and getting paid for the privilege. Generally having a dance is a bit awkward and boring.

Why does it always happen then? Tradition I suppose plus the giggly schoolboy feeling of doing something you don't do in everyday life.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 19/07/2017 16:26

I agree actually ^father* in that it's hardly sexually exciting being straddled in front of your guy friends.

But it does seem quite pathetic though, not so much as sexual.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/07/2017 16:31

All this crap about 'men don't really enjoy it' surely makes me think worse of the guys, not better.

You just want to buy access to women bodies because...I dunno...because you can? Hmm