Stag party and strip club

[Emma71992]

I'm looking for some advice please. Been with my fiance for nearly 9 years. We recently had our hen and stag parties and months ago he suggested they might be thinking about going to a strip club. I freaked out a bit. Mainly because that thought had never occurred to me as didn't seem him as someone who would want to go. I told him I wasn't comfortable. I know people have different opinions about them but i'm not a fan. Also, more importantly for us, we've only been with each other. In the end they booked a life drawing class at a strip club, i wasn't 100% happy but saw it as a compromise as I never wanted to ban him from doing something. I found out in the end that they did go to the club in the evening and he was bought a dance. He did tell me and I do not want to break up with him, I want to make that clear. But i feel like we've lost something. The thought of him seeing another woman naked is making me feel sick and I don't know how to get past it. He does regret it and was distraught at how much he's hurt me. I just don't know how to stop thinking about it. We talk about everything with each other and I hate that I have no one I can talk to about this. I do feel like he's let me down as I did make my feelings clear but am annoyed with myself now as know that so many woman say the relationship is over if they go. I never wanted to do this and didn't think I needed to. Anyone have any advice?

The worse thing about these strip clubs and private dancers is the fact that these women are just a piece of meat. I saw a documentary once set in a pub that had strippers at lunchtime. Most men looked up when a new stripper came on and then just went on doing the crossword, or eating a pie. The strippers were like moving wallpaper. That is what I find offensive - that men, even ones you think are fully simpatico with equality issues, don't see anything wrong with strip clubs because to them the women are just things, there to amuse.

If he knew you'd hate it and he regrets it so much now why on earth did he do it?
Never seen so much cool attitude on an mn thread about this. Do women really think so little if other women, and of men?

I guess it's a bit awkward and boring for the woman too. Urgh.

Everyone has their line. Mine is private dances- it just seems really seedy and sad, giving someone money so they'll stick their tits in your face. Boke. I wouldn't be as bothered if it was a scenario where the fellas had bought one for him and it was more "let's point and laugh at the groom" as opposed to a private dance which is a whole other level of intimacy- even if the woman involved is bored and just thinking about what she's having for her tea.

I suspected DP would go on his stag but to date there's no indication they went to one. He has two best men, one of him is know as "the softest man in England" who is addicted to diffusers and white company towels, and the other has vowed to never set foot in a strip club as he really, really disagrees with them. He's the only fella I've ever met who's taken a moral stand against the whole stripper thing, most seem to consider it's a bit grim but "that's what you do on a stag" without much evidence of critical thinking.

I think that the immediate confession and genuine remorse show you that your fiancé is indeed the decent person you believe him to be. Peer pressure at stag do's can be intense and combining with alcohol I can see how he could make a mistake like this. Presumably he realises how hurt you are and hopefully he'll learn his lesson.

If it makes you feel any better, I can guarantee that his main feelings would have been guilt, shame and pity rather than anything you imagine and I can second that real life strippers are nowhere near as alluring as you have been lead to believe.

Maybe you could arrange a butler in the buff for an impromptu 2nd hen do to see how he likes it?!

Oh why would she want a butler in the buff.
And if he's so full of remorse then that's because he knows how much it meant to her.

Not the butler, why shouldn't she do to some fellas what his private dancer did for him?

I think I'd prefer a guy who just was clear and said 'Actually I wanted to pay to get a glimpse of another woman's fanny.' Rather than the type of fella who says 'ooh I couldn't say no' or 'they were ugly anyway darling'.

Can I ask OP, what the concern is that he has now seen someone else naked? What do you fear will happen?

I also find them sleazy so I get why it might change your view of him but what's done is done and you say you don't want to break up over this. It sounds as though this is a one off which is for some reason a expectation of society (my MOH wanted to organise a stripper for me and I vetoed that when I found out but their excuse had been, "it's tradition"). If it was a regular thing, I'd probably have a completely different opinion of this. If it makes you feel any better, it was probably arranged by his friends who lied about it. Also, this is the one place where people are not allowed to touch.

I feel for you OP. I have been through exactly the same thing. My DH had two private dances on two separate lad'so holidays. He told me this year on the WAY to my birthday weekend (away from our three kids for two nights). I was heart broken. The weekend was horrific, we just argued and cried. I had to know every last details and I couldn't get the images out of my head. That was a month ago. I feel a lot better but it still crops up. You can get through it. Good luck x

@Meowstro I can't pinpoint exactly what but we both hadn't and I suppose in a silly way I thought that was special. And yes in the back of mind I might worry he would find them more attractive than me.

For me I dont think i could be with a man who could be so disrespectful as to buy a woman's body. And as for the oil paintings comment, well thats all right then if theyre not drop dead gorgeous

Never thought I'd see so many women being okay with men treating women as pieces of meat on a strongly feminist forum. Who knows what kind of life these women have. I also wonder how the men would feel if they walked in and it was one of their female relatives involved. Would it be okay then?

Emma im so sorry to hear what youre going through. I wrote the near identical post on here 4 years ago after finding out my DH had a fully naked private lapdance on his stag do. I found out 3 years after we got married and was absolutely devastated. It broke my heart as we too have been childhood sweethearts and never been with anyone else so it cut so deep the idea of him being with someone else.
Im not going to lie I had a pretty low year, i researched lap dances, regrettably trying to do one for him myself (oh god what was i thinking!), found the place he went, asked him for details about her, i even tried pole fitness....mumsnet folk told me to leave him but id just had our DS and our family was just starting. DH regretted it all, it really wasnt his thing at all. Dont get me wrong he still walked in there when he could of walked away but he thought it was all part of a stag experience. 4 years down line, it has faded into the background. He made a mistake, i couldnt forgive him for it (and thats ok) but we moved on. We have a DD now and are a very happy family. I look back on what he did and the shitty time I had after I found out as a bit of a blip, but not worthy of splitting up. I hope this helps as you may hear so many saying hes a pig, finish with him, but you know him best and what character he truly is.

bumblebeebumblebee I feel your pain. I researched it all too when I found out. I wanted to visit the place etc etc.

I don't think I have tagged the previous p correctly, can someone please tell me how to do it?.....

In no way do I mean this to sound like I'm belittling how you are feeling because I totally understand. However you both sound like decent, lovely people with a great relationship and I am 99% certain that with just a small bit of time the horrid feelings will fade and you will be able to view the memory of the situation in a far more bearable way. Everything feels worse when it is raw. If he knows how upset you are and is genuinely remorseful then could you try to leave it in the past and give your emotions a little time to rebalance.

This is probably a really bad comparison but dh and I had a really bad row once (I rowed, he is irritatingly calm and rational). I was so angry, it stayed with me for days and I blew up just thinking about the situation. I literally could cry with anger and sadness every time. Then suddenly a few weeks later ideas relaying the story to my sisters and it just didn't phase me. It was in the past and I could almost laugh about it.

*i was relaying

I think you need to chill out. Guys see naked girls all the time in various guides and if its his stag do then give him a break.

ZOMBIE

@Friendly007

Pervert troll.