Got a crush - bit of a wobble

[MotivatedDad]

Hello,

Need some advice. I came across mumsnet via googling 'crushes' and have read a few relevant threads.

I'm a bloke, in my 40's long term married / children. Over the last 2 months I've developed a bit of a crush / think about her a bit too much. She too is married / children 40's.

Feel really silly that it has got to this point & still trying to work out how and why in the last 6 weeks it tipped over into a 'crush' situation' rather than just another nice person I interact with situation. I've known her but not well for about 18 months in total.

In my mind I have crossed boundaries but in the real world no boundaries have been crossed. We have had a banter / a laugh but nothing beyond that.

Should I stop the social context where I see her? (which would be a shame as I enjoy that activity)
At times I've been tempted to just blurt out "I have a bit of a crush on you". But also can imagine that type of conversation turning into a real disaster / unforeseen reactions / consequences.

As one who is often told he is a good dad / husband I feel really disconcerted by the whole thing. I've not talked to anyone about it all but don't want to bottle it all up / tough it out either.

Bump, before post falls off forum first page. Was hoping to get some replies / advice / discussion / chance to get it all off my chest.

Well, for a bit of tough love, every time you find yourself thinking about her, imagine how you'd feel if it was your wife doing the things you're imagining with another man. Crap, eh?

If not, then you need to re-evaluate your marriage WITHOUT involving this other woman. If your marriage isn't working, look to that first. Don't go looking for someone else to make it all feel better.

Thinking about that will probably help you work out what it is that's drawing you to this person - is it shared interest that you don't have in common with your wife? Is she paying you more attention? Seeming more interested in what you say? Or are you just sensing a bit of mutual interest and enjoying the feeling of someone flirting with you?

Thanks for the reply. I think if my wife told me she had a crush on another bloke. I think my reaction would be well we are only human and fair play to her for telling me. I've been totally faithful to my wife and vice versa (talking way over 10 years marriage / I'm keeping the exact amount of years vague / other details to keep it all unidentifiable).

Our marriage is good and strong. Which makes the 'crush' all the more troubling for me. Maybe your 3rd paragraph hits the mark more.

The other thing I have a curiosity to know whether the whole thing is in my imagination for all I know she might just be friendly and think I'm a good bloke and that's all. Maybe I've read more into certain situations than there is there. But should I feel bad to want to know if my silly crush is reciprocated? It's probably for my own vanity but also to see if I have totally misinterpreted things.

I had this vague idea of saying I have a silly crush, she says she also has a silly crush on me and we both laugh about it and then can carry on 'working' together knowing the air is clear. But some how that just sounds to unrealisitic?

It's not clear from your post whether or not your marriage has issues...but it's not on that you are crushing on another woman. If you are happily married, completely cut contact and basically, grow up. You're acting like a 12 year old. If you're unhappily married then you still need to cut contact with this woman and focus on rebuilding the relationship with your wife or deciding between you if it's over. Then pursue other options when you are free and clear to do so. Do not muddy the waters by entertaining a ridiculous crush.

As pp said, how would you feel if your wife was having these thoughts about another man? Guard your mind in whatever way you can as you might be starting down a dangerous path.

Well, of course it would be nice if we all knew when someone finds us attractive but do you really want to be scuttling around asking 'do you fancy me?' to every woman who gives you a little more attention than usual? Because that's basically what you'd be doing. And if just getting the attention has had you thinking of crossing boundaries, what would knowing the crush was reciprocated do to you?

Quite honestly I'd just enjoy the flirtation for what it is - flirtation - and sit firmly on any thoughts that go beyond that. Use all that mental energy to work out ways you (and probably your wife) can enjoy your relationship more. I'm guessing if you're feeling like there isn't a lot of flirtation or fun in your relationship then you're probably not the only one.

Yes, you should feel bad for wanting to know if it's reciprocated. You're either hoping there is potential for something to happen or just looking for an ego boost from another woman. Either way it is for disrespectful to your wife and would probably cause trust issues in your relationship if she knew of this.

Maybe she would laugh it off and say "we're all human". But there's a bigger chance she wouldn't. Problem here is that I don't believe this is just thought on your end. You're already pushing boundaries by wanting to mention it to your crush

Hello Mom2K. I think we posted at the same time & some of the answers are in my last post.

I have thought about completely cutting contact but we a both involved in the same volunteering / social / organisation. I would not want to lose this activity etc over something so silly.

Yes I agree it a childish crush which makes it all the more annoying that this has got under my skin.

I think the wanting to know if its reciprocated is straying into dangerous territory. Also would you talk to her in front of your wife in the same way or would you be less flirtatious?

Being in a relationship doesn't stop us seeing people we fancy.

Having self respect is not doing anything about that.

So - you fancy her - lovely. It's a bit of a nice fantasy, right?

We might compare this scenario with sex - fantasy sex or real sex - which is more fulfilling?

I would not want to lose this activity etc over something so silly. It's all silly until it isn't.

If you are completely honest, if she said, "I have a crush on you too" would it be about clearing the air or do you get a little thrill at the thought?

If you really value your wife and family, examine your motivations honestly and work out why your head has been turned. Give up the activity.

Keep your distance and stay away. Crushes disappear after a while.
Do not say anything to wife or to the crush. It will pass. We all fancy people as well as HIs, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong in your marriage.

Crushes are completely normal! I've had them, my DH has had them and no, I don't think it makes our marriage a "weak" one. I also think it's completely normal that you want it to be reciprocated (it's called limerence and yes it's very teenage angst, but it applies to everyone regardless of age). As long as you don't act upon it it's all fine. you can even have plans in your head of how "you would make it happen" - but the news is that it's all in your head, so no harm done. Google "sexual tension" that way you might get a better idea if it's reciprocated or not. Just remember we're all human after all! PS Ideally you would tell your wife, communication is key :)

Thanks for the replies. I agree wanting to know if it is reciprocated is stupid for a load of reasons. Just human curiosity I guess.

A few weeks ago we had a training meeting, 3 of us went to the pub after (not planned / not unusual / not initiated by me etc). Could have been more than 3 of us but others had to get home etc.

Me & 2 females ('social / volunteer colleagues' / including silly crush person). We all finish our drinks and other person says she needs to go. Leaving me and crush lady sitting there, both of decide to have another drink (neither drinking alcohol). We have normal conversation / banter / cross no boundaries etc and after one drink both go our separate ways.

On another occasion / induction thing, both ended up staying behind for one drink / small talk etc. Again not pre-planned / just happened.

I think at that point I thought that's 2 times she has chosen to stay behind with me. Totally innocent / no boundaries crossed etc For all I know she thinks I'm an interesting person and that's it but perhaps that's when the thought entered my head that maybe she likes me / crush began etc.

I just wondered how a female would interpret those 2 ''events'

I agree that crushes are completely normal; just because you're married doesn't mean you're 'dead' fgs. Sometimes they can make life seem more interesting . So please don't berate yourself or doubt your marriage on the basis of a crush, even if it's a strong one.
The thing is, is that while crushes are all well and good, they are a no go zone in real life. So please don't tell your crush, or your wife, or anyone else really. Otherwise you'll blow it all up into something that will probably pass on its own anyway.

That's cute! I think she definitely likes being around you. I reckon there are different types of crushes, I think yours is the "puppy love" type.

Op - might it be worth you checking out a few other threads on here to see the consequences of what might happen if something does happen?
Sometimes we get caught up in the 'moment' and forget all about what happens after.

Thanks guys. I have been reading about crushes in the last few weeks. I keep telling myself my wife is fantastic and I love her and I'm lucky to have her.

Plus I've been putting extra energy into my marriage / which is strong but there is always room for improvement.

Also I've not beat myself up to much about the crush & told myself it's ok to have a crush.

Also I think the crush 'developed' whilst work pressure was high & I was dealing with an ill relative in the wider family.

........that all being said I still need to find a way forward.....I'm hoping just to let it all out and truly recognise that it is "not real" and acting on it would be a "total disaster"

But also unless I give up this activity which would be odd as I'm heavily involved in it and enjoy it then I will be seeing the 'crush' once or more a week for the foreseeable future so I need to be mentally strong to deal with that sensibly.

First time I've been in the situation since a teenager. No fool like an old fool. I guess I'm just going to have to man up and grow up.

Remove yourself from the situation. If you're unwilling to give up your activity, make sure that you're never in a date-like scenario like you described above with the drinks. Don't go out when it's just three of you and certainly not just the two of you.

Your desire to know if she's interested in you will lead nowhere good. You need to practice not caring what she thinks of you, focus on what you already have with your wife. There's nothing constructive about finding out if this crush is reciprocal and thinking about that aspect of it so much just gets your further into the muck of these feelings. Turn away from the crush, tune into the life you have with your wife.

Thanks Rizlett. I've read a fair few threads on here about the absolute disaster for OH / Children that happens if someone acts on a crush.

I know it would be a total disaster mess if I acted on this crush.

Plus the crush might not even be keen in that way on me it could well all be in my imagination. Which would make me feel even more silly.

It's madness and I know it. I have an attractive wife / lovely stable family and so on. I have a huge amount to lose over something that's not 'real'.

My only saving grace is that even when along with crush I have not crossed boundaries / neither of us talk negatively about our partners or share secrets etc. It's just been fun and banter.

A crush is one thing, but actively spending time, one on one, with someone you have a crush on, really isn't. That's too close to emotional affair territory.
If I was in your situation, I would tell my husband and stop the activity. That's what would be appropriate in my relationship. What is necessary in yours is for you to figure out - but I'd caution against spending more time alone with this woman.

In fairness to 'crush' she has not crossed any boundaries too.

As long as you view an unplanned staying behind for one drink on 2 occasions (outlined in the post earlier in the thread) as just social (neither of us initiated it or knew that would be an option after the meeting / induction it just unfolded that way and on another day there would have been more people there / indeed one meet did start with 3 of us in the pub and others invited who could not make it.).

But why stay behind with her at the bar? If you want to do right by your family, you need to stand up and leave when the others do, making sure you're never alone with her. I have no problem at all with platonic male-female friends, but this isn't platonic because you're having these feelings. It doesn't matter what it looks like from the outside or even what you're discussing. What matters is that it's exciting to you and by allowing these interactions to continue, you're getting deeper in. You need to neuter these feelings, not foster them.

The part about if she's keen on you or not is 100% irrelevant to you and your marriage and the fact that you're worried about seeming silly is a sign of how far you've let this go for yourself, emotionally. You must practice not caring at all what she thinks of you.

So you're immediately jumping to justifying why spending time with her one on one not being a big deal? Interesting, OP.
And you seem to be thinking more about this other woman would react to being told you have a crush on her than you are about how your wife would react...

Spend some time thinking about bothe those things.

Today 16:56 revolution909

That's cute! I think she definitely likes being around you. I reckon there are different types of crushes, I think yours is the "puppy love" type.

No it isn't. Neither is it fun and banter.
OP don't throw away your "good" marriage over this. Wind your neck in now and think about the carnage you will create for your and the other woman's family if you carry on with these feelings.

Beachbaby / Somerville. You are right.

At the bar when the 3rd person decided to leave it was the perfect moment (as all of us had finished our drinks) for me and crush lady to say "yes we better be going too / work tomorrow" .......but neither of us did......we both stayed behind to have another (non alcoholic) drink...

and I guess that is what niggles me (yes I enjoy her company but I enjoy other peoples company / would think nothing of getting a life home from a female work colleague etc)

For all I know crush woman totally innocently just wanted to have a bit more of a chat about the things we have in common or enjoys my company too. The idea that she had any other deeper motivation could be totally in my imagination.

From a female perspective do you think it is odd that she stayed behind in those circumstances? (on 2 occasions)