Got a crush - bit of a wobble

[MotivatedDad]

Hello,

Need some advice. I came across mumsnet via googling 'crushes' and have read a few relevant threads.

I'm a bloke, in my 40's long term married / children. Over the last 2 months I've developed a bit of a crush / think about her a bit too much. She too is married / children 40's.

Feel really silly that it has got to this point & still trying to work out how and why in the last 6 weeks it tipped over into a 'crush' situation' rather than just another nice person I interact with situation. I've known her but not well for about 18 months in total.

In my mind I have crossed boundaries but in the real world no boundaries have been crossed. We have had a banter / a laugh but nothing beyond that.

Should I stop the social context where I see her? (which would be a shame as I enjoy that activity)
At times I've been tempted to just blurt out "I have a bit of a crush on you". But also can imagine that type of conversation turning into a real disaster / unforeseen reactions / consequences.

As one who is often told he is a good dad / husband I feel really disconcerted by the whole thing. I've not talked to anyone about it all but don't want to bottle it all up / tough it out either.

It seriously seriously does not matter what we make of her staying behind!

Why are you posting here? Are you trying to get the so-called female perspective on your crush's actions? Why?

The way she feels about you is completely irrelevant. What matters is how you feel about your wife.

Don't tell her you have a crush on her. "She'll reply so have I, ha ha" and it'll clear the air...

Next you'll be meeting up for a shag "to get it out of your systems"

Stop poking at this wasps nest and leave it alone. If it's driving you mad, walk away.

She probably fancies you. Which I'm guessing you want to hear? Most people would take the cue to leave when everyone else did.

OP: I totally know it's wrong and a bad idea. But does she like me, does she?!?! 😍

You are already over some boundaries there.

It doesn't matter if she stayed behind, got naked and danced for you. How does her interest change your situation?
If you want to pursue this then leave your wife.

Why do you need to know what she thinks? It seems like you need your ego stroked. Up thread you said you'd just think your wife was human if she said she had a crush. I wouldn't feel like that if DH told me. I want to be his crush, and him mine. If he had the head space for crushes I'd figure that the relationship was crap. I don't think your marriage is as strong as you think. Do you still have hot and horny sex? (Spellcheck changed that to hornet sex!)

Being completely honest with yourself, if she told you she had a crush on you too and liked to spend time with you outside of her marriage then smiled and leaned in for a kiss would you reciprocate?

The problem seems to be that it's all light and fun and giggles until you get caught up in the moment and do something that crosses a line either by not thinking at all or thinking that a small kiss won't hurt it's fun and you'll never be found out etc etc.

I would suggest some really tough soul searching about how you really feel and back off from this friend. Be polite but don't go out of your way to chat to only her, don't stay on for drinks with only her and maybe include others a bit more rather than being around her so much.

That being said you can also make the decision your marriage is not working you want something else and you finish it and move on, but I would of thought that would be a real shame as it sounds like you do love your wife?

From a female perspective do you think it is odd that she stayed behind in those circumstances? (on 2 occasions)

🙄🙄🙄

You might think you started this thread to work out how to stop having these feelings, OP. By you didn't. You started it because you want to indulge in discussing the woman you have feelings for. Seriously dodgy territory.

Stop calling her a silly crush. That's enabling you to cover up what this really is.

Motivated, I think you sound like a decent person who is just having a brush with a flirtation which is making you feel more like an individual than a husband or dad (hence your significant user name?). I would let it run its natural course in your head only and don't air any of it if you value your marriage. It will pass and can brighten up your day in the meantime.

@constance it's a matter of perspective. My DH has a crush on a mutual friend and I find it more amusing than worrisome. We laugh all of these things, it has made our relationship much stronger

Amusing that your H had a crush on someone? Novel I suppose.

Staying behind for a drink: I have male friends at work that I would stay behind with one on one. I have no romantic or sexual feelings towards them. If I thought for one second they had them about me or if I developed some for them then I would avoid the situation in the future because I am happily married and want to remain that way.

A silly crush, not acted upon at all is fine. I had a crush on Ewan McGregor a few months ago - not a problem and it passed. Perhaps duration of the crush is key. How long have you been crushing and do you think it something that will pass?

A crush on a celebrity is a million miles away from a crush on someone you work with who seems to like you too.

How many times now have you asked us to confirm that this woman fancies you ?

We see you

I know, constance, but I was using it to show that it was a passing thing that I moved on from. It's no doubt significantly harder when the person is accessible. Is this a passing infatuation for OP or something more?

Do not ask her if the crush is reciprocated. It's pointless and could lead you down a path you'll really wish you hadn't travelled. Trust me I know.

Someone had a crush on me. It was obvious and I loved the warm fuzzy feeling it gave me to be the object of someone's affection after 10+ years in an unhappy, stressful, loveless and sexless marriage trapped by complex family obligations. I loved it so much that when they asked how I felt about them it didn't take me long to move from "I like you but I'm married so obviously can't do anything about it" to gentle flirting, then more flirting, to inappropriate texting to sexting to kissing. It's a complete slippery slope (and I tried telling my DH about it to try to take the clandestine romance out of it - deterred me for about 2 weeks till DHs indifference made me think fuck it).

You sound like you love your wife and value your marriage. If that's really the case please don't jeopardise it just to have your ego stroked. I promise you it's not worth it - it will destroy your peace of mind let alone the potential for enormous hurt to your DW and children.

I was vulnerable and desperate for affection so maybe my example is not typical but I think the risk is there for you too.

Telling her you have a crush will result in:

-opening a can of worms, worms everywhere, very messy. An affair begins. Everyone gets hurt,

-making things very awkward indeed between you because you've messed up the friend dynamic

• or her avoiding you like the plague because you've got completely the wrong end of the stick.

What do you hope to achieve by telling her?

Hello, thanks for the replies. It's been a big help to share this 'crush' thing as it has been buzzing about in my head for the last 6-8 weeks. I was even thinking about going for a beer with an old best mate & download it all on him but I think MN gives me a better range of opinions.

Some of your comments have helped burst my 'crush bubble' The thing is, I know if she knew my bad habits / issues and I knew her bad habits issues there would probably be no crush on either side.

Plus I know she can't compete with my great wife. However the problem is I have only spent 'fun time' with crush lady so not seen her 'bad' / everyday / normal life side to balance things out.

I can see now it would be a total disaster / no gain to tell her I have a crush. I guess I wanted to get an ego boost / have confirmation it's not all in my mind & hopefully it would clear the air and life goes on.

Realistically it would be a car crash of a conversation with no "good outcomes". I guess maybe I was hoping she would be mortified / such an embarrassing / awkward conversation that it would wipe out the whole crush. i.e she would crush the crush :) It would stop the whole thing festering. But in a small community me announcing another crush on a person in the 'group' could have really awkward consequences.

I've even thought about telling my wife. "You know x I think I have a bit of a crush on her so I'm going to take a step back from some of these activities'

I've realised that telling the silly crush lady about my crush would be inappropriate and taking matters out of my mind and into the real world. Fortunately in the real world no boundaries have been crossed there have been no texts, no emails, no inappropriate conversations, no clandestine meetings and after way over 10 years of a good marriage I don't want to be the 'good man' who trips up/ loses everything over a silly crush.

Moving forward I have one more social meeting with silly crush lady next week (a group of us are going out for a standard end of year meal). Then there is a good summer break which will be a case of out of sight out of mind for a month or so and then when the social activities resume end of Aug I'm hoping by that stage I have my normal perspective back. If 'crush' resumes Aug / Sept / Oct then I think I will look at leaving this partic activity. Also when the activity / group / social activity resumes in Aug I will limit contact where possible as advised above.

Also across the summer I'm going to have a big push on my marriage which though good and my wife is great and I'm lucky, after way over 10 year plus of marriage there is no room for complacency. It's easy to get stuck in the rut of school run, work, domestic jobs, same old same old etc I guess if all of us don't work at our relationships we can all be vulnerable to a crush / moment of madness etc. All in all a wake up call for me.

Maybe start a little flirting game with your wife op? Make her your crush lady.

Also whilst I admire your decision - it's important to remember that it's not really about competing - and one person being 'better' than another as we are all as unique and individual as fingerprints are.

Well done though for being genuine and thinking things through before taking action which could've lead to you being in a real awkward spot.

Good luck with it all, Motivated. Sounds like you have given it a good think and you know it's best not to pursue this. You can use the experience in a useful way for your marriage - a reminder that you can still be attracted to others and are still attractive to opposite sex, yet wish to preserve the carefully constructed union you have with your wife. It's a lesson most of us have thrust upon us at some point along the line in a LTR.

Thanks for updating and I'm glad we could help.

Great update. I think most people in long term relationships will have the odd crush or flirtation. I'm glad you realise it's best left there.
I'm pleased our comments helped to burst your crush bubble with a big old pin..

Be careful OP. You are on the very beginning of a path which doesn't end well. A crush will pass. Just don't breath any life into it.

I have to say I totally get you. And from my own experience I would say there's no guarantee it'll go away. I have had a massive crush on one of our neighbors for years. I'd say I'm pretty sure he feels the same way but there's never been any flirting and we both behave the same way whether there's husbands and wives present or not. The chemistry is undeniable though.

I thought it was just him until then last year I developed a crush on someone else. Again the chemistry was definitely there, he used to blush when I walked in the room etc. When for me it started to feel like something was about to happen he pulled his child out of the hobby and I've never seen him again.

I think the situation for you sounds slightly different but I think maybe you need to carefully look at the reasons behind the crush. I know for me it's a combination of a rocky and at times quite a difficult marriage, low self esteem and a variety of other things. I know now this is more about who I am and my personal struggles than about the person themselves. They do come and go or at least sometimes the feelings ease a bit.

I can't say I think it sounds terrible that you would let yourself keep on having these chats and not distancing yourself. But then it's probably just me justifying my own thoughts through you. I really wish there was an easy answer. I personally think it would be strange never to have crushes. That's believing there could have ever been but that one person in the whole world that could have been right for you. But then marriage does mean sacrificing those thrills... Can't have the cake and eat it too and all that..

OP I think you have been very brave and honest posting here.
Some posters have been much more harsh then when it is women posting for advice and if you have read all the previous threads you will see the general consensus of focus on your marriage and if you can keep it to yourself then enjoy it without crossing any lines. If not then cut contact.

Stormy I havent read of someone admitting to a neighbour crush before! I have one too and it drives me insane as I see him every day and he isnt even attractive or my type