Got a crush - bit of a wobble

[MotivatedDad]

Hello,

Need some advice. I came across mumsnet via googling 'crushes' and have read a few relevant threads.

I'm a bloke, in my 40's long term married / children. Over the last 2 months I've developed a bit of a crush / think about her a bit too much. She too is married / children 40's.

Feel really silly that it has got to this point & still trying to work out how and why in the last 6 weeks it tipped over into a 'crush' situation' rather than just another nice person I interact with situation. I've known her but not well for about 18 months in total.

In my mind I have crossed boundaries but in the real world no boundaries have been crossed. We have had a banter / a laugh but nothing beyond that.

Should I stop the social context where I see her? (which would be a shame as I enjoy that activity)
At times I've been tempted to just blurt out "I have a bit of a crush on you". But also can imagine that type of conversation turning into a real disaster / unforeseen reactions / consequences.

As one who is often told he is a good dad / husband I feel really disconcerted by the whole thing. I've not talked to anyone about it all but don't want to bottle it all up / tough it out either.

I've been the completely innocent woman in This, thinking my male colleague was a mate and feeling completely comfortable being alone with him in situations similar to those you describe. I'd happily relay events involving him to dh as he was just a mate and I'm in a strong happy relationship. I was devastated when I found out through a third party that he massively fancied me. Felt like I'd lost a mate.

stormy you're absolutely right, I think crushes are human nature!

Thanks StormyIsland. Sometimes I can see how silly this whole crush thing is & sometimes you can't help the way you feel. However I accept I'm responsible 100% whether I act on or escalate a crush. The thought of this crush feeling going on & on would be a worry.

Also like Desmondo2016, I have had other female acquaintences / friends / e.g social sporting partners or lifts home from female designated drivers / friends partners etc over the years who I have felt completely comfortable alone with and would not have any interest in them at all. I would feel really bad for 'crush lady' if her situation was like Desmondo2016 & I blurted out about a crush and spoiled a friendship. But as other posters have said I should not be caring what crush lady thinks.

Also after the summer there are a few weekend away activities as a group (e.g training events or roles I need to be at due to my skills / supervising etc). where crush lady will be at so I need to really get my head sorted before then.

I'm going to try and watch a BBC drama "The 7.19" I saw it a few years ago and it really showed the messy repercussions of a crush escalating (always stuck in my mind). Or that stomach churning scene in the film 'Love Actually' where the wife discovers the husband bought a romantic present for his employee.It's easy to forget the ultimate impact of these things if you follow through.

I know this has been a bit of a self indulgent thread (on other forums MSE or in real life I do help others with their problems / contribute rather than just take). So I'm not going to be too hard on myself re one "all about me" thread on MN.

As said before I have one more social event with silly crush lady next week (a group of us out for a meal) and then a break. I think I've analysed and indulged in this enough so after tomorrow I am going to duck out of thinking about it / mulling over it / posting about it and take forward my positive plan of action to as outlined in my earlier post.

If there are any updates / I will come back to the thread in the future but hopefully the crush will fade and normal pre-crush life will resume.

However, alas, in real life, I have this feeling it's going to be a lot tougher than just posting on MN, getting good advice and thinking "yay I'm cured off my crush now"

Typo. Just realised that BBC drama was called "The 7.39" . (Not that it matters, just didn't want any one googling the wrong programme name and wondering what I was going on about)

I think you are playing mentionitis here. It's immature, imo.

Utterly pointless to resolve to let the crush fade while still going ahead with seeing her. Don't go on the meal out next week, to start as you mean to go on. And cancel attending the weekends away in the Autumn - otherwise you'll look forward expectantly to them all summer.

The way to change our feelings is through our actions.

Hello, Googled mentionitis (I'm learning new terms on MN). Yes it is mentionitis it's a self indulgent thread talking about silly crush lady, after having it buzzing around my head for 6 - 8 weeks. However after tomorrow mentionitis will stop as said in my post above.

Sommerville. If I can cancel the events I will effectively be pulling out of an organisation / group that relies in part upon me to ensure those activities go ahead that benefit others. Ok the end of year leaving meal does not fall into this category (though some talking 'shop' / planning' is done there but it would be odd for me not to be there. Plus if I pulled out of the end of year meal they would probably rearrange it for another date for me (we already moved the meal date once as one of the group could not make it).

I will give it the summer break and Autumn time and then resume the activity but keep a bit more distance from silly crush lady, if I still have the crush Sept / Oct I will look at leaving this organisation / activity / group.

I've not acted on the crush, no emails, no texts, no inapproproiate conversations or clandestine meeting and silly crush lady has also been totally professional. When alone together she has not been flirtatious or taken the conversation in inapproproiate direction. So nothing has happened in the real world apart from in my mind and this thread on MN.

So to leave an activity / group / organisation which I enjoy and contribute to over a silly crush seems a bit pointless rather than giving the crush a chance to pass naturally...........or am I still in deep denial :)...time will tell.

Sit and imagine your wife's face telling her all this , I can assure you her trust levels will plummet

Yes it is mentionitis it's a self indulgent thread talking about silly crush lady, after having it buzzing around my head for 6 - 8 weeks.

But as other posters have said I should not be caring what crush lady thinks.

It's not that we think you shouldn't care what this woman thinks. It's that we think that you wondering about her feeling is actually "does she fancy me, how exciting" not "I shouldn't embarrass her or make her uncomfortable". You came on here, however innocently, in part to 'talk' to people about whether she also fancies you. If you talk to a friend, it's the same. You want to talk about her.

Talk about your marriage instead. Tell us how you and your beautiful wife met. Do that with friends as well. Think about how she looked on your first date. Talk about what her little foibles are, things that you noticed because she was important to you. Think about your wedding, how your friends and family feel about your wife, things she does for your children and you... Have a look at some old pictures of holidays before kids. Reread old emails from the beginning of you relationship. Have a crush on your wife.

Hi Mrs TP, I could start a thread saying how great my wife is & indeed I've already said that in this thread a few times and I've already said in this thread I will put more fresh energy into my marriage.

However that's not the key issue / the reason why I posted on MN. The issue is my silly crush lady. Though I understand there is a link between how my marriage is (good) & vulnerability to having / acting on a crush.

I've also said on the thread that I would be ok to tell my wife I have a silly crush on someone. I have a clear conscience.

I've been married way over 10 years & been totally faithful, & the proverbial good husband / father and came here for guidance to ensure that remains that way. I've just had a silly crush for just 6 -8 weeks in my mind and not acted on it one bit in the real world (no emails, no texts, no clandestine meetings, no inappropriate actions or conversations). Crush lady has also been totally professional too and done nothing to encourage me or be flirtatious or inappropriate conversations.

The consensus of the thread has been it's a silly crush don't tell crush lady & don't tell wife. Enjoy it / recognise it for what it is and if it is still bothering me after a while or I feel I will act on it cut all contact. Plus make my wife my crush.All that advice I agree with and will follow.

I will re read all the advice in this thread and follow it and hopefully my silly crush will not persist after the summer break from silly crush lady.

MN has been a big help. I do appreciate your comments . Many thanks again.

Calling her silly crush lady makes me cringe a bit. I can't help thinking that you labelling this as a silly crush a hundred times, like you've been a Silly Billy is your way of trying to minimise what has become a big obsession for you, taking up a lot of your thoughts.

Good luck to you though, I hope you can get a grip. Let's face it, you hardly know this woman. Not sure why you're so obsessed. I'm not sure watching films about affairs will help .

Where are you getting the consensus from? I haven't seen one here. Some people think you should enjoy it for what it is but not pursue anything. Others (and actually the majority, from my quick tally) think that you sound over-invested in it waaaaay beyond the crush you claim it is and that you should stop feeding it. Which means stop seeing her.

Choose to follow whichever advice you want, but you can't do both.
I feel quite sorry for your wife.

I might like to see how sympathetic your wife is when you are posting about it and mentioning her, rather than keeping it in totally in your head , I've been that wife, I am not sympathetic!!!!

MN is great but I think it's quite useful to remember there is a big variety of people here. I wouldn't take advice on my personal and most intimate issues from every single person that happened to have an opinion on it. Not without a pinch of salt anyway. A person that's had a lot of disappointments and a hard time will give very different advice than someone with different type of experience.

I personally don't think you've been self-indulgent and that there is anything wrong about having a crush. There's a senior colleague at work that me and other staff talk about joking how we've all got a crush on him. I just think it's such a normal part of life!! Some of us might meet lots of lovely, attractive people at work, hobbies, through kids etc. Sometimes you might think someone is nice, you might really like them, you might develop a crush... All feelings are normal and allowed. I wouldn't be bothered if my husband had a crush as long as he still thought he'd still choose me over the other woman. I'd still want him to show a bit of self control and recognise if he's getting too obsessed and then withdraw. But I wouldn't mind if he enjoyed someone elses company at work or wherever and had a bit of a crush but still came home to me and showed me he loved me, sex was good etc. But then everyone is different with what they are comfortable with.. and with that.. we can't tell other people what they or their partners should be allowed to do and be comfortable with. OP is saying he'd happily talk to his wife about this. That's a pretty good sign I think of the fact that it's nothing that horrendous... It might be quite hard to read this kind of topics neutrally though if you've been cheated on.

Goodneighbors.. your situation sounds quite similar to mine. My crush is 20 years older than me, not objectively attractive, we've got nothing in common and he's definitely not my type considering how he behaves with his family. Yet my crush has been a total obsession. I think he might have guessed and I get the impression he might be attracted too. I think even his wife has sensed something and yet I'm quite friendly with her. There's never been any flirting or any hints about anything and I know it's totally just my crazy head that tends to develop crushes way too easily. Just trying to ignore how I feel but it's not easy. We're moving soon though so it will all be in the past soon.

"I've also said on the thread that I would be ok to tell my wife I have a silly crush on someone. I have a clear conscience."

Well then why don't you just tell your wife that you have a crush from work, that there have been two occasions where you went out in a group of three and third person left so you spent time alone with your crush, and that it's been on your mind to tell your crush to see if it's reciprocated? Oh and that you started a thread on Mumsnet to talk about it and be open to showing her.

You won't. You might mention you have a crush but I bet you leave the rest of it out because it's not appropriate, and it isn't respectful to your marriage. If you really are ok disclosing ALL the details that you shared here, then just do it because your wife's feelings on the matter is the only thing that counts here. If she isn't bothered and dismisses it then great. If you won't tell her then you can stop justifying behaviour that you know is crossing a line/in dangerous territory.

And majority here think you are over invested and need to cut contact. Only a minority told you to enjoy the crush.

There is a difference between 'fun' crushes and something else. I work with hot firefighters a lot. They are gorgeous and really great blokes. But We never spend time alone, I don't think about them when they aren't there and the one time I ran into one in the pub, I said "hi" and left because it was weird outside work.

What you have is something different. And you know it. Although there's plenty of denial sloshing around.

In case it helps, I'm going to chuck in my theory about crushes. I think they are a big sign that you are bored with life as it stands but currently lack the motivation, energy or ability to think you can do anything to change it. (Bored with life, not necessarily with your marriage - there's a difference.) Crushes are a way to bring vitality and excitement back into life, get our hearts, bodies, minds racing, make us want to wake up, get up, be our best.

They are the laziest way to drum up excitement in life. In your situation, I'd head off to a cafe somewhere quiet with a notebook and pencil or a laptop, and make a list of all the things I desperately wnated to do in life. In all areas - work, travel, hobbies, experiences etc. Big and small stuff. Then open your diary and start plotting in making some of them happen. Start training or researching or applying for jobs etc. Include some stuff you and your wife want to do together, or you want to do as a family. Include some ways you;d love to surprise her, or stuff you used to say you wanted to do but never got round to. Include easy stuff and challenging stuff. Accomplishments and silly fun.

Get absorbed by it all. The crush will vanish.