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Original poster

Perils of DP moving in when he's not yet divorced?

63 replies

peppermintpenny · 17/07/2017 22:39

I am divorced with DCs and own my home (with a mortgage).

DP is separated, no DCs, he and his wife are financially independent each with similar income and assets, joint mortgage on the marital home, he's still paying half. They are unlikely to divorce in the near future but he and I would like to live together.

Him moving in with me whilst he is still married to someone else seems instinctively to be a bad idea. I know I need to get professional advice but anyone know whether legally/financially this is actually a bad idea and if so, whether there's anything we can do to make it less of a bad idea?

OP posts:
fiorentina · 17/07/2017 22:44

I lived with my DH whilst still married to my ex. There wasn't actually any issue as the house was in my name and he didn't contribute so if we had split he had no claim on it. You could be named by his ex in the divorce if she claims adultery but it depends if that's likely to happen. It didn't in our case.

Original poster
peppermintpenny · 17/07/2017 22:56

Being named for adultery wouldn't bother me because to be fair that's what's happening. But I believe that is pretty rarely done these days and his ex doesn't want a divorce anyway.

I just found this online though:

"Serious new relationships can also impact upon financial negotiations and settlements. During the proceedings you will be asked about your intentions with regard to cohabiting or remarrying. You must answer honestly, and if you do intend to set up home with your new partner, their financial situation will become relevant to your case. Even if you are living under a separate roof from your new partner, if you share each other’s households this could be construed as living together, which could affect the way the court looks at what you need financially for the future."

I remember now that I was asked on my divorce papers whether I intended to cohabit within 6 months (which I didn't).

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 17/07/2017 23:01

I remember the bit about future relationships impacting finances, in a divorce. The court could say that he now has access to your home, so he is therefore entitled to a smaller share of the ex-marital home.

It's a bad idea.

Why can't he just get divorced? And why doesn't his ex want to get divorced? Confused

Wanting to live with you would probably give him a reason to speed the divorce up!

Original poster
peppermintpenny · 17/07/2017 23:18

Ex doesn't want a divorce for religious reasons.

DP would have to try to divorce her for unreasonable behaviour (I know it doesn't have to be much) but he just stopped loving her and wanting to be with her, he doesn't see her as having done anything wrong so doesn't want to do that, which I respect. So, I think it's five years otherwise.

Yes, I can see it is a bad idea - potentially bad for him financially it seems rather than a risk to me.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 18/07/2017 00:54

I wouldn't dream of cohabiting or even dating someone is married.

I'm old fashioned and ancient though!

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 18/07/2017 01:25

I would personally be uncomfortable living with someone who was still married and not in the process at least of divorce but I have some sympathy for not wanting to divorce for unreasonable behaviour - i always think it's a shame in the UK that we don't have the equivalent of "irreconcilable differences".
However, I would be very unhappy that he has not sought proper legal advice about sorting his marital financial positions. I think that's a must before cohabiting (and suggest you do too). Plus, you both need to understand the divorce options available. The other option is 2 years - if they've been separated 2 years and she is in agreement; then you can file under those terms, 5 years separation and it doesn't matter if she agrees.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 18/07/2017 03:56

So he stopped loving and stopped wanting to be with his wife and has left her. Do you understand that he could do this to you too?

Yes, living together is a bad idea. You are his rebound relationship. I wouldn't get enmeshed emotionally or financially for a long time.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2017 05:31

I would be highly suspicious and concerned about anyone who is separated and moving on yet not actively moving towards a divorce. What in the hell does his wife's religious beliefs have to do with anything? He should WANT to get divorced as soon as possible.

TheoriginalLEM · 18/07/2017 05:49

he's keeping his options open - what a catch

category12 · 18/07/2017 06:09

How long have they been apart? How long have you been together?

What's your hurry?

SleightOfHand · 18/07/2017 06:12

I wouldn't move in with someone in this position, this could go on for years.

SleightOfHand · 18/07/2017 06:16

Ps, very odd too, that they still have a mortgage together.
I wonder if his wife knows about you. What sort of place does he live in now? Could he be looking to improve this/cut his expenditure?

BertrandRussell · 18/07/2017 06:16

Don't let him move in. Don't commit to someone who has "only just stopped loving" the person he is married to. He is not in a position emotionally to commit to you.

newbian · 18/07/2017 06:28

No way. Date him if you feel comfortable that his story is true but do not move in with him. He needs to sort his family situation out before he enters a cohabiting relationship with someone else. Especially as it's conveniently your home that you pay for and maintain that he wants to move into.

Original poster
peppermintpenny · 18/07/2017 08:13

Oh dear, I posted on this board for the traffic not to have my relationship questioned (though I knew that was a risk).

So he stopped loving and stopped wanting to be with his wife and has left her. Do you understand that he could do this to you too? Errrr, yes, that's what happens sometimes in relationships, people break up Confused

The other option is 2 years - if they've been separated 2 years and she is in agreement The point of this thread is that she doesn't want a divorce.

"he only just stopped loving" the person he is married to No, that's not what I said. I said he 'just stopped loving' as in merely stopped loving not recently stopped loving.

What sort of place does he live in now? Could he be looking to improve this/cut his expenditure? Not sure how this is relevant, it's not about his expenditure

In answer to a few other points:

  • we have been together over two years
  • they have been apart for three years
  • yes, she knows about me
  • I was nothing to do with their break up (not asked but maybe implied)
  • I don't think two years is 'a rush'
  • we're both in our 50's and want to live together (life's too short)
  • he's still on their mortgage because though she's on a good salary she can't afford to buy him out and he doesn't want to force her to leave. After all he doesn't need the money from the house at the moment, he is renting and I have a perfectly good house we could live in (IF that's going to be a sensible thing to do). Yes, there are nice guys out there. Smile

We will both get legal advice but it looks like the options are:

  • try to divorce her for unreasonable behaviour
  • wait two more years for him to be able to divorce, then live together, though as he stays with me quite often it could be argued already that we have a 'shared household' it seems
  • he moves in anyway then takes a potential hit financially when they do divorce/their house is sold
  • re-approach her about a divorce on the grounds of two years separation with consent

Option 4 first then if that doesn't work option 3 I expect.

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 18/07/2017 08:19

So you get to live with a married man to keep her sweet and not push for divorce. .? Resentment will set in on your part. .

tigerdriverII · 18/07/2017 08:23

I'm no divorce lawyer....

But surely it's possible to get some sort of post-separation financial order that can protect both their positions?

onlyhumanafterall · 18/07/2017 08:29

Daft reasons from both of them for not getting a divorce. It's still a divorce whatever the reasons and whatever the timescale. My biggest regret is not divorcing straight away as mine got prolonged and complicated and would have been more straight forward if I had not waited so long (three years in my case.)

Original poster
peppermintpenny · 18/07/2017 08:30

Maybe Just but I hope not, I can understand his position.

To divorce her he would need to come up with a list of unreasonable behaviours which would be hurtful.

It's not about keeping her sweet, it's about being kind to someone you once loved and still care about the welfare of.

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 18/07/2017 08:38

Bad idea.

I did it (more fool me) cause apparently she didn't want a divorce and he "couldn't find her" so he was waiting for the 5 year point to do it through court.

We split up last summer (after three and a half years) and guess who's back together playing happy families - funny how he couldn't find her for our entire relationship but managed to find her and move her and her kids in to our flat within two months of us splitting Hmm

It was messy and upsetting and just not worth it. Tell him to get his arse to court and get a divorce if he wants to be with you. Don't lower your standards like I did.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 18/07/2017 08:47

I know you've said she doesn't want a divorce and he doesn't want to use unreaonsable behaviour against her, but if he could convince her that a divorce is the right thing to do (which it is and will happen at some point whether she likes it or not), he could get her to be the petitioner and list his unreasonable behaviour. Rather than the other way round, if that makes sense.

Although I'm not sure why I'm posting as you did throw my previous comments back and then post again with them as one of your valid options... sigh ;)

daydreamnation · 18/07/2017 09:01

I lived with my now dh while still married to my ex h. Didn't really bother any of us, we had parted very amicably and our focus was the children and getting on with our lives.
We eventually did divorce and it was simple and a total non event really.
I do remember being at a party and being stuck in a conversation with a woman who seemed to have time travelled from the 50s. She was giving me (unwanted) 'marital' advice and advising me not to turn down my dh in the bedroom, as regular sex with my husband, was part of my duties. I took great pleasure in telling her that I didn't think my dp would be very please if I shagged my husband 😂

Original poster
peppermintpenny · 18/07/2017 09:09

Hodge you suggested:

"The other option is 2 years - if they've been separated 2 years and she is in agreement"

I said:

"The point of this thread is that she doesn't want a divorce."

The option I put forward was:

"wait two more years for him to be able to divorce" i.e. five years in total (as they have been separated three years already) after which consent is not required.

A big sigh right back at you - try reading what's actually said not what you think is said.

OP posts:
Original poster
peppermintpenny · 18/07/2017 09:09

caffeine that sounds a horrible situation

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 18/07/2017 09:13

This thread popped up as another example of why, regardless of the divorce, you both need to think about legally protecting finances/assets
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/2981478-Ex-and-mortgage-help

Just trying to help