Perils of DP moving in when he's not yet divorced?

[peppermintpenny]

I am divorced with DCs and own my home (with a mortgage).

DP is separated, no DCs, he and his wife are financially independent each with similar income and assets, joint mortgage on the marital home, he's still paying half. They are unlikely to divorce in the near future but he and I would like to live together.

Him moving in with me whilst he is still married to someone else seems instinctively to be a bad idea. I know I need to get professional advice but anyone know whether legally/financially this is actually a bad idea and if so, whether there's anything we can do to make it less of a bad idea?

Yeah, it wasn't pleasant. He still maintains it was luck he got in touch with her so quickly although no-one really believes him!

I'm just saying - be careful. If he wants a divorce, he should get one. He wants one anyway and stalling to "save her feelings" is not going to make things any easier in the long run. Things like wills, next of kin, inheritance etc. - everything goes to her unless he gets legal advice or a divorce. Do you really want her to have control over everything if, heaven forbid, something happens to him before the divorce comes through? Not just death, but injury, sickness, any legal settlements all have to go though her as they're still married.

He needs to get it sorted - if not, maybe he doesn't want it enough.

He either needs to get divorced or sort out some sort of legal procedure that does the same thing because of

'financials - wills, pensions (death in service), assets, investments etc... but also next of kin issues (god forbid)"

Given you are all mature adults (50s) and if you are not going to have children with him, does it matter if they do not divorce but legally separate. I have a relative who never divorced but lived for many, many decades (longer than the period he spent with his wife) with his partner. If his wife is against divorce she won't have changed her mind in a few years so he might as well do it now if that is his intention, given he will have to pension share etc. presumably based on the length of marriage / date of divorce.

To divorce her he would need to come up with a list of unreasonable behaviours which would be hurtful.

Nonsense. You just say the divorce is because of HIS unreasonable behaviour, but it's just a legal quirk and has no bearing on the outcome of the divorce. I think he is lying to you to he stays married to her.....sorry OP

OP, I really feel for you. I'm in the same situation really except they aren't married and have been separated four years but they still own a house together (and dogs!) and I just will not allow him to live with me until he's sorted it out. Which he won't because he's a fucking dimwit (can you tell I'm pissed off with him tonight!).

I see it like this: I was married and had 3dcs with my ex and split 2 years ago. We are divorced and all finances are separated. Because I don't believe staying married is fair on anyone. If our DP's felt the same they would do it, but they don't! So therefore they don't get the cohabitation benefits. Tough luck.

You just say the divorce is because of HIS unreasonable behaviour

Neutrogena - You can't divorce someone on the grounds of your own unreasonable behaviour!!!

When I met DP he was separated but in no real rush to push ahead with a divorce. Similar situation in that his ex was unwilling to divorce for religious reasons. We were dating happily for a while, and then things took a turn for the more serious. I had all the same reservations as you, and eventually had a frank conversation with him in which I stated categorically that I would not live with him while he was married. I just felt that if I did, the situation would drag on interminably with no incentive for him to be proactive. I also wanted an indication of how serious his intentions were. This conversation took place on a Friday night. First thing on Monday morning he was on the phone to a solicitor and he was divorced within the year. My advice to you would be to draw your boundaries clearly now, and don't allow him to prevaricate if that means you compromising on your ideals. If he's serious, he'll commit.

My fiance got divorced last friday. We've been engaged for 2 years and sharing a house for one. No issues here. There's no practical problem with it - it's just your childhood sense of values nibbling at you. I'm not telling you those values are wrong, and you shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with, but you've nothing to lose here.

@goatsdontshave

You can. I did it. You need a reason to submit the papers and because initiated the divorce I wait the reason was My unreasonable behaviour.
My ex had to agree, but it started the process.

My reasons for unreasonable behaviour were just a description of how/why the marriage broke down eg the stresses of work and parenting and how we grew apart. It wasn't personal against exh at all although he still hated it.

Its simple. He needs to get divorced to cut financial ties. Once he lives with you your financial situations will be seen as joint income and so affect divorce.

Sorry OP..I might have missed something..but he wants a divorce..she doesn't...how does that change in another two years? She will still be upset? ...I think you have waited long enough. I get her trying to be kind..but actually it's just hanging over all your heads....He needs to get on with it and now emotionally commit to you. ...

**him