Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Perils of DP moving in when he's not yet divorced?

63 replies

peppermintpenny · 17/07/2017 22:39

I am divorced with DCs and own my home (with a mortgage).

DP is separated, no DCs, he and his wife are financially independent each with similar income and assets, joint mortgage on the marital home, he's still paying half. They are unlikely to divorce in the near future but he and I would like to live together.

Him moving in with me whilst he is still married to someone else seems instinctively to be a bad idea. I know I need to get professional advice but anyone know whether legally/financially this is actually a bad idea and if so, whether there's anything we can do to make it less of a bad idea?

OP posts:
peppermintpenny · 18/07/2017 09:13

tigerdriver I'm hoping that may be the case especially as they have no children. Of course she'd still need to agree to it.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 18/07/2017 09:15

"So he stopped loving and stopped wanting to be with his wife and has left her. Do you understand that he could do this to you too?" and people wonder why it is that so many have affairs in order to leave marriages when the attitude is that they shouldn't be able to leave because they no longer love someone? Hmm

OP, as he's been separated now for over two years the unreasonable behaviour clause no longer applies and he can apply for divorce on the grounds of a two year separation. She could still contest it at this point, but if she does then you will need to wait another three years until he is legally divorced.

I do actually sympathise with the point of not wanting to file on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and to want to wait for a clean no fault divorce, but now that two years is up he is in a position to apply for one, and I would be expecting him to do so at this point, even if it means she contests it.

Also it would be possible to factor in the joint mortgage in the consent order, so that only his property is taken into account in any future changes.

FWIW very few couples wait until their actual divorces go through before starting to date/see other people, as divorces where there are children and/or finance involved take a significant amount of time. Mine took nearly a year to go through, but we had a separation agreement drawn up which took us through the process and took account of things like the finance and maintenance so that I could move out of the family home and into my own place etc.

My DP and his ex didn't want to go the unreasonable behaviour route either for religious reasons, but truth was that the marriage was in trouble for a long time before he actually left, but there was probably some fault on both sides iyswim. And she originally said that she would never grant him a divorce, but she did actually file for no-fault after two years and it took a matter of a couple of months to go through but there was no money or real assets involved.

The things you need to look out for are:

Protecting your own property and your financial interests to make sure that it can't be counted as a marital asset.

Is he still living in the marital home in which case you need to be extra cautious. My DP had actually left the fmh at the point of separation and hadn't seen his ex at all at the point of divorce. If he's still living with her though this should set alarm bells ringing.

And if he doesn't want to divorce her at all this should also be an issue, as while the unreasonable behaviour bit is understandable, wanting to stay married on religious grounds but still living with someone else really isn't.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 18/07/2017 09:16

And peppermint, just to be a pedant, actually you did list it as one of your valid options:
re-approach her about a divorce on the grounds of two years separation with consent

I did read it, didnt make assumptions.

peppermintpenny · 18/07/2017 09:21

WannaBe thanks for your detailed post.

He's not living in the marital home with her. He left when they separated three years ago and has rented ever since whilst paying half of the mortgage on the marital home.

He does want a divorce. He does not share her religious beliefs.

OP posts:
abilockhart · 18/07/2017 09:39

Him moving in with me whilst he is still married to someone else seems instinctively to be a bad idea. I know I need to get professional advice but anyone know whether legally/financially this is actually a bad idea and if so, whether there's anything we can do to make it less of a bad idea?

I would trust your instincts.

His wife has a good salary and he gets to live with you rent free while he pays half the mortgage on his marital home.

Wow, he really is on a financial winner with this arrangement.

OhhBetty · 18/07/2017 09:41

Really he needs to speak to his wife. If she agrees great, if not it's only 3 years. If you desperately want to live with him then he'll need to accept he may get a lesser share in the divorce. And you should protect your assets far as possible.

peppermintpenny · 18/07/2017 09:49

No abi this '...and he gets to live with you rent free while he pays half the mortgage on his marital home.' isn't true.

Where did I say he would be living rent free?

He has rented his own place for the past three years whilst paying half the mortgage on the previous marital home - affordability is not a problem.

If he moved in with me he would pay his share of our household expenses.

OP posts:
histinyhandsarefrozen · 18/07/2017 09:53

I moved in with DH before I was divorced from 1st DH! However, it was a few years, and I was going to get divorced, I just hadn't got around to it. Eek.

I feel he should be making moves to get divorced, op. Is he a man or a mouse?

TheNaze73 · 18/07/2017 10:06

The more this thread is updated, the more I'm thinking, I'm really suspicious to his total lack of activity. Just tread careful OP.

abilockhart · 18/07/2017 10:09

No abi this '...and he gets to live with you rent free while he pays half the mortgage on his marital home.' isn't true.

Where did I say he would be living rent free?

He has rented his own place for the past three years whilst paying half the mortgage on the previous marital home - affordability is not a problem.

If he moved in with me he would pay his share of our household expenses.

Will 'paying his share of the household expenses' include paying rent to you?

Or does paying his share of the household expenses just mean contributing towards food bills, electricity, etc.? From this arrangement, will he get to pocket what he currently pays in rent?

If it's the latter, he is getting a very good deal.

peppermintpenny · 18/07/2017 10:26

abi - yes paying 'rent' to me is included in household expenses.

histinyhands - your comment made me smile. He's definitely a man but yes, he needs to show his commitment by at least getting the ball rolling and facing the consequences, uncomfortable as they may be.

OP posts:
OhhBetty · 18/07/2017 10:30

It sounds as though you're going to do it anyway so the best thing you can do at this point is seek legal advice to ensure you all know where you stand. Obviously you can't force him to get the ball rolling with divorce but it doesn't seem like he wants to. That would be the issue for me.

abilockhart · 18/07/2017 10:41

peppermintpenny, so he will pay you market rent and it is you who will gain the most financially from this new arrangement.

As ohhBettty stated, it sounds as though you're going to do it anyway and do seek professional legal advice beforehand.

peppermintpenny · 18/07/2017 10:48

We both want him to be divorced before he moves in. He's not pushing me.

He does want a divorce but he doesn't want to cause any more upset, though he realises he may have to. He was (is) hoping she will come round and divorce him.

In the event that doesn't happen, which it looks like it won't in the near future, then I wanted to understand what the practical implications were of him not being divorced so that we can make an informed decision on what to do.

Even when they divorce she may stay in the house on the basis he gets his share when it's eventually sold or she cohabits. That's not an issue.

We will get professional advice, talk it through and decide how to proceed.

Thanks all

OP posts:
paradoxicalInterruption · 18/07/2017 10:54

I think any couple moving in together need to carefully consider and talk about their financial and money situation.

Make sure your will is up to date. What do you want to happen if, god forbid, you dropped dead tomorrow - or he did?

peppermintpenny · 18/07/2017 10:58

Hi paradoxical I couldn't agree more. I can't believe how many people don't sort out wills. We've talked about this and know what we would want.

OP posts:
paradoxicalInterruption · 18/07/2017 11:44

Yeah, my DH had a bit of willful blindness about the fact that his ex (amicable) would still inherit everything during their two year separation if he popped his clogs before the bit of paper came through.

Categoric · 18/07/2017 11:57

Hi OP, has your DP thought about a legal separation? I have a Catholic friend who filed for one of these recently as she wanted the finances/children sorted but no divorce. I am a lawyer but don't do divorce or family work but I am sure an hour with a specialist would sort it out and the will situation. Good luck!

Desmondo2016 · 18/07/2017 12:55

Oh dear op you really have been met with some of mumsnet's finest 'let's massively overcomplicate a simple question here. Hugs to you. I would truly get him to get some legal advice. Life is too short not to move your relationship forward.

Regarding the divorce... have you explored the option of him citing his own adultery as the reason. There may be a slight financial hit re splitting of the house but you may decide it's worth the hit. (I'm no lawyer so apologies if this is a stupid suggestion)

WankYouForTheMusic · 18/07/2017 13:23

Frankly I wouldn't do it. But if you're going to, you'll need much more specific legal advice than you're going to get here, so I'm glad you intend to see a solicitor. Not just him, both of you. There are oodles of implications you just don't seem to have thought about. Things like, if either of you needs to claim income based benefits or even receive care, him owning a house he's not living in will be taken into consideration. Vital to hash these out.

mrssapphirebright · 18/07/2017 13:37

Op I divorced my exh for the same reasons your dp has left his wife. I did it under unreasonable behaviour and listed some miner points.

It will cost her loads to try and contest the divorce so he may as well get it over with. The longer he leaves it the longer they are each other's next of kin and the finances will get more and more complicated - it's already complicated as he wants to move on and live with you.

I don't see any reason to stall the divorce imo.

abilockhart · 18/07/2017 14:45

I think mrssapphirebright speaks a lot of sense!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 18/07/2017 15:45

I don't think adultery affects the financial settlement in a divorce. There are no penalties for adultery.

IdaDown · 18/07/2017 15:56

It's not just the financials - wills, pensions (death in service), assets, investments etc... but also next of kin issues (god forbid) and the static nature of the relationship at the moment.

Cruel to be kind. Everyone can move on - even the STBxW (even if she can't/won't see it yet).

Isetan · 18/07/2017 16:59

He's not being kind to her by conspiring with her that their marriage isn't a lie. If anything happened to him the authorities would recognise her connection to him and not yours.

It doesn't matter if his reasons are noble (I don't believe they are as I believe it's the guilt talking), it doesn't change the fact that his wife is still his wife.

Swipe left for the next trending thread