Work colleague thing

[Rahrahcantdo]

Need a kick. Got a bit of a situation with a work colleague and need to stop it. It's completely pathetic and we are BOTH married.
We do seem to have a bit of a connection although he is a lot older than me so I put it down to an unlikely friendship. There have been a few work events where we seem to gravitate to one another but nothing untoward. We message a fair bit about work stuff mainly but on WhatsApp not email. Nothing too weird about that. We have all sorts of WhatsApp groups at work. When I'm traveling with work (which is fairly frequent) he always messages me throughout the day.
We had a work dinner a few weeks ago and we had all had a few drinks -walking back he said he wanted to tell me something and I asked him not to.
Later that same evening we stayed up for a drink with another colleague and he walked me home. He gave me a very long hug and kissed me. I freaked out a bit and said I had to go.
It was a bit weird at work but seems ok now. He contacted me the following day and said sorry and that he'd overstepped the mark.

So I got home and sat in the loo having a bit of a sob because I really really wanted to kiss him. I'm gutted when he's away. I miss him. But I know all of this is massively wrong and can't happen.

The night he hugged and kissed me - I wanted it to carry on but came to my senses. I'm finding it hard to put aside - it wasn't sleazy and he didn't push himself on me. Weird - almost chaste for a kiss. Very tender though.

I know I need to put an end to it all. Finding it very hard. Kick me. Shout at me. Tell me I'm a horrible pathetic little idiot but knock this out of me.

Well done for being aware its gone too far. If you want your marriage to work you need to knock the messaging etc on the head.

Are you happy with your dh? It seems like you've blurred the lines between being friendly and an emotional affair.

Think how you'd feel if you discovered your dh had written this.

Tell your husband that you're in love with another man.

Let him make the decision to continue the marriage with you or not.

You both sound really pathetic, getting off on deceiving both your partners, for kisses and touches; grow the hell up and stop pretending it's all ok, you'd not be posting otherwise, I pity your partners stuck with you two sneaking behind their backs getting your kicks and excitement from each other, awful.

Can you change your job? It's going to take more than a few people on MN to kick you to stop you going further in your EA. The easiest thing to do is just walk away from all temptation.

Or tell your DH what happened so you can realise how squalid it is before it goes any further.

I would not tell DH, I would look for another job.

I didn't say I was in love with him.

Yes I suppose it is squalid.

It was a kiss, don't beat yourself up. Decide if you want your marriage and if so NOW is the time to shut this down completely. No explanations to this colleague, no texts or chats, communicate only about work at work. It's a choice, you have nothing with this colleague so nip this flirtation in the bud.

It's not a kiss, it's clearly an emotional affair and I'd suggest you do beat yourself up, you are deceiving your husband and complicit in deceiving another woman; think about that.

As PP said how is ur relationship with your husband?

Christ don't go to the extreme of looking for another job, it was a small flirtation, brightens up the day, puts a spring in your step, makes you feel young and desired. But now it stops.

It's an EA.

I agree with Badhatter

However you try to fluff it up, you're a cheat

I gene think MN is a bit too black and white about this kind of thing. You're a long time living, it's unlikely we'll never experience attraction to anyone else.

In your case, you know it's gone too far. I gather from the fact you're posting that you don't want to leave your husband. It is hard, because someone new always has a frisson of excitement that we don't get from our partners after a long time, and it's hard to walk away from that.

But you did, well done you! I think there's a tendancy to over romanticise these things to make it seem more important. Now you've had your naughty moment, think about what really happened objectively. Two married work colleagues has a few drinks and went for a tipsy kiss. It's not the worst thing that ever happened, but it is a bit seedy and cliche - not exactly Romeo and Juliet, no matter how chaste the kiss! Imagine if your sister or best friend confessed to something similar.

I'd probably stay away from texting him back while you're travelling and keep it to the group chats if you have to do anything. Also take your husband out for a night out and pull him in for a cheeky kiss on the road!

Ugh

Grow up. You have free will. Use it.

Geez, keep a sense I proportion people. Attracted to a colleague, they had a kiss after a few drinks on a work night out. OP has realised a line has been crossed and would be stupid to pursue.

Please don't tell us how to think about affairs User1498, this is an emotional affair imo and you telling me to lighten up won't change that one bit.

So glad I have respect for people that I'd never take the piss this way; snatched looks, touches, kisses, walking her home, yeah, my sense of proportion is fine and dandy thanks.

Here we go.

I wouldn't bother staying on the thread OP as the usual crowd gather like piranhas to bite chunks out of you.

If it was me, I would look at this as an opportunity to review your marriage. If you need to do something to revitalise it, now is the time however if you feel that actually the marriage isn't now for you then it's time to move on.

The kiss and emotions with the other chap are largely irrelevant and you have to separate them from your feelings about your marriage.

MN isn't the place to do it. You won't get objective advice. Somewhere quiet where you can be alone with your true faults. Not you can make the decision.

The emotional attachment is too much. You want this to further. And it will if you carry on.

There is no magic pill that will make this just go away.

You need to change something. Ideally your job.

How would you feel if this was your dhs story?

Blimey. Lot of food for thought here. I don't want to hurt my family. Husband is lovely if a bit dull and sex life is a total write off.

I had forgotten what it felt like to be somebody and interesting again. To feel somebody was interested in my day and who I am. All that got a bit lost.

Weird also to feel attraction again- sort of thought I was numbed to it all forever.

But it's come at the wrong place and from/to the wrong person.

I'm not a terrible person I can see it's not good or right.

Guess I need to grow up and chalk it up to life experience and move on.

I think the best thing you can do if you want to save your marriage is to talk to your husband about the fact that you aren't happy with regards to getting no attention or having no sex life with him. I think if these issues aren't addressed then it's only a matter of time until this happens again.
Or you get so fed up you finish with him anyway

Is your husband a bit dull or the relationship?

Would he say you make him feel interesting? That you make him feel like somebody?

Because people often check out of their current relationship when their head has been turned. I imagine he feels like you are a bit dull and uninterested too.

Not saying this to make your feel bad. Just trying to make you see your part in your relationship.

Also remember while you are fawning over OM, he kissed you. While he was married. He knew you are married. Does that sound like a really amazing man to you?

Or are you looking past that because you will have to confront yoir behaviour too?

I think you should talk to your husband and tell him you feel that your relationship has gone stale and see what the reaction is. Knock the OM On the head regardless as that cannot come to a good ending but there is still a decision to be made as to whether you want to be free to be with other men or continue to be married.

Rah I think your last post was the most insightful. Sounds like your marriage is floundering especially on the intimacy side.

Work out whether you can work on getting that back, or if you want to.

Personally I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was shit or off the table.

You don't have to stay married if you aren't happy. Clearly the kiss was a symptom of that, if you were it wouldn't have happened.

That saying never shit on your doorstep has truth in it. If you proceed and turn this flirtation into something more you will be the focus of gossip for a long time to come and your reputation will be shot. And once your reputation has gone, it has gone. Your colleagues will find out even if you think you are being discreet.

And the work thing is just one part of it. You sound bored, get a hobby, get a divorce but don't have an affair with a married colleague.

Has been floundering for years on the intimacy side. Don't know what changed really. I have some theories about that - never really got it back after babies. I had a terrible first birth and felt let down by midwives and DH after being ignored for hours (understaffed)
in a waiting room through horrific labour contractions and ending up haemorrhaging everywhere before anybody realised I was fully dilated and had been trying to stop pushing for an hour as been told I wasn't in full labour. The domestic assistant sounded the alarm in the end and I ended up being dragged onto a trolley and rushed into a delivery room in stirrups in a room full of people as baby in distress. I was traumatised. It wasn't DH's fault but I wished he had been assertive and done something and taken the initiative to help me.

Don't actually know where all that just came from other than trying to pinpoint why intimacy got difficult. Despite wanting more children it took me another 4 years to face it again and I was terrified.

I don't look to him to look after us and I sort finances and drive decision making as stuff would never otherwise get done. I have always earned more and didn't ask for a penny on maternity leave.

That makes him sound bad. He is a very involved and caring dad and does more than his fair share. We parent together well. But I suppose we have lost our way in a sexual partners and romantic way. He would like more intimacy I think but I really struggle to give it as doesn't feel very authentic.

Don't pursue anything with your colleague work this out with your dh. Sounds like you could do with some counselling around your traumatic labour & maybe couples counselling after that. I strongly disagree that you tell your dh you are "in love with another man" that's unecessarily hurtful and (i think) childish nonesense.
Seems that you have a bit of fixation/obsession that you have focussed on your colleague, but it will fade. Allow yourself to be disillusioned by him; see his bad points & notice that he is not actually a very good dh/dp to his wife. I have felt like this about 1 person in particular on & off for a decade, but i have never acted on it. The last couple of years the shine has really come off the man I sometimes fixated on.-I have always been half aware that the fantasy is just that & the reality of it would have been very different.