Work colleague thing

[Rahrahcantdo]

Need a kick. Got a bit of a situation with a work colleague and need to stop it. It's completely pathetic and we are BOTH married.
We do seem to have a bit of a connection although he is a lot older than me so I put it down to an unlikely friendship. There have been a few work events where we seem to gravitate to one another but nothing untoward. We message a fair bit about work stuff mainly but on WhatsApp not email. Nothing too weird about that. We have all sorts of WhatsApp groups at work. When I'm traveling with work (which is fairly frequent) he always messages me throughout the day.
We had a work dinner a few weeks ago and we had all had a few drinks -walking back he said he wanted to tell me something and I asked him not to.
Later that same evening we stayed up for a drink with another colleague and he walked me home. He gave me a very long hug and kissed me. I freaked out a bit and said I had to go.
It was a bit weird at work but seems ok now. He contacted me the following day and said sorry and that he'd overstepped the mark.

So I got home and sat in the loo having a bit of a sob because I really really wanted to kiss him. I'm gutted when he's away. I miss him. But I know all of this is massively wrong and can't happen.

The night he hugged and kissed me - I wanted it to carry on but came to my senses. I'm finding it hard to put aside - it wasn't sleazy and he didn't push himself on me. Weird - almost chaste for a kiss. Very tender though.

I know I need to put an end to it all. Finding it very hard. Kick me. Shout at me. Tell me I'm a horrible pathetic little idiot but knock this out of me.

So do you want it back?

Or do you want to move on?

Either way having OM in the background isnt going to help.

Yep I agree having the om in the background won't help you decide what to do about your marriage. Act like nothing has happened with him or you say straight to his face it was a mistake and it won't happen again. Walk away from that for know. This isn't anything to do with a judgement on you just that you need a clear head to decide the following.

Do you want to get your marriage back and work on it is the question you need to ask yourself.

I have also felt like you do about my dh, op. You are going through a bad patch, but it can become really good again.

Thanks everyone. I do want to get it back.

Definitely address the issues in your marriage.

But don't be overwhelmed when, from time to time, you find someone attractive. Just recognise it and move on.

From all you've written, Op, it's clear you're aware of the underlying reasons which make you vulnerable for outside attention. I think the best way is to think more about these reasons in your marriage which might take the focus off your work colleague situation. Can you discuss your intimacy issue with your husband and try to revive that or see a counsellor specialising in such matters? Your distress is understandable - you need attention and to feel attractive and you'd have to be made of stone to resist but you need to stop and think of the repercussions in terms of your Dh and your colleague's wife being irrevocably hurt by your actions. Try to keep a rational head and be the driver in this situation.

Yep - I don't want to be a cause of anybody being hurt. I think I've been pretty restrained and recognised it could become a problem. I want to do the right thing. Even if a part of me actually wants to give in to the attention- I won't. Thanks for keeping me on the straight and narrow.

As someone's whose husband cheated with a work colleague I would say tell him - even if it will hurt your husband, it may give him the kick you need to sort out your marriage before it's too late. I'm pretty sure had my husband talked to me before taking things too far we could have saved our marriage but he didn't. Even if it doesn't save your marriage by telling him he doesn't deserve to be cheated on (incidentally I believe you have already cheated but that's my opinion).

Rahrah, try to see this as a bit of a wake up call. It's true we must think carefully about the hurt that can be inflicted on others as some accounts here testify. But sounds like you've been restrained so good for you. I think it's naive to think that we won't encounter temptation at some point along the line. Just take it for what it is - a boost to your self esteem but use it to reflect on what you need from your marriage not from the colleague. Sounds like he needs to look at his relationship too.

By the way, talking from experience as similar situation that nearly happened and made me take stock and think carefully. I think it's a rare individual in a long term relationship who doesn't have such moments of wondering about whether the grass is greener. Those who don't are either very lucky, have had multiple relationships or are liars.

I still say don't tell him, or at least don't say all of it.
If you tell your husband that a colleague fancies you, it is quite different to telling him that you and your colleague fancy each other.

I'm not sure re telling him or what it will achieve other than stirring up trouble. What if he wants to speak to him?

What's actually happened other than a hug and a (sorry to be crude - no tongues) lingering kiss? It might give it a whole load of oxygen it doesn't require.

Interested in the opinions of those that think I'm already cheating.

We do all wonder about the grass being greener, thoughts are fine to have, acting on your feelings isn't; this is an emotional affair and I'm sorry OP but you are minimising as people always do.

Any emotional relationship like this one is wrong and yes imo you are cheating, it's not just the kiss, it's the constant communicating with each other, time you should be spending deciding if you want to continue with your marriage; I feel sorry for your husband and the woman on the receiving end with no idea.

Distance yourself. You have to put distance between yourself and this man. Don't instigate any communication. Don't respond unless it's work related and keep it professional. When your heads clearer 're evaluate your relationship with your husband. You can't do that objectively with this man in your head. Then deal with your relationship with your husband. If you can keep your marriage on track, do not ever get sucked back into any level of communication with this man in the future or you'll go round in circles.

Is your dh aware that an emotional affair and long lingering kissea with colleagues are allowed?

Rahrah just chalk it up to experience, make sure it ends now and put effort into trying to get a bit of spark back in your marriage. Some people have taken this way over the top.. you've identified it was wrong. I honestly wouldn't tell him and I wouldn't lose a lot of sleep over it. See it as a wake up call.

what Desmondo said.

And why don't all the keyboard warriors just fuck all the way off ? On no planet other than this board would anyone be told to leave their marriage over this. Its insane.

I find it interesting the men are jumping straight to cheating.

Yes it's leading into dangerous territory but it seems like it's been gradual so until the kiss the OP wasn't really aware there was anything more to it than a bond.

I don't think it's an instant 'poor OPs husband she's deceiving him' she's hardly sneaking around to this mans house.

Use this as an opportunity to talk to your husband to improve things OP.

If not, I'd leave... before it turns into an affair.

Good luck Rahrah. Work on your marriage. You have too much to loose to have an affair.

Thanks all. Mixed bag of responses. To be clear I'm not having an affair. I think I'd be aware if I was but note that it would be sensible to remove myself. Going to see if I can move desks at work so not so proximate.

I find it interesting the men are jumping straight to cheating.

Hmmm really?

You are having an affair

No she's not!

Ok I'll rephrase that... by my criteria of what constitutes an affair she is not. By yours, clearly she is. I'm not sure the actual criteria is defined anywhere officially!