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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my head is going to expode

74 replies

Blossomflowers · 17/07/2017 09:56

So will try not to drip feed. Got a lot going on in my life right now, dad in hospital for past 2 weeks, he had dementia and so going through the process of getting him into a home for his own safety. I am preparing to sell my house which is sad as been here for 17 years, ( am supposed to moving in with DP) have discovered DS1 has a gambling addiction and keep borrowing money from me and not paying me back. I am also having blood tests to establish why I have an enlarged spleen and gall bladder. So life a bit tough.
So last week my DP's children stayed last week, 15 and 19. I have done my best to give them a nice time, family BBQ's, a few meals out but if I am honest I find them hard work especially with everything that is going on, going to hospital each day (which a 2 hour round trip)the 19 year is very negative, snappy ( not with me), it is like having a dark cloud in my house, I try to engage her in conversation but I get one word replies. So yesterday DP and I were a little snippy, I had to go off to hospital to visit dad and DP insisted in tagging along and taking his daughter into town, I kind just wanted to be on my own and not have to fit in with anyone else but DP thought I was being unreasonable so I just went with the flow. Finally his daughter went home, sorry I don't mean to sound unkind but glad to have my house back. Anyhow settled to watch the Wimbledon final and have 3 beers ( this is relevant), everything ok at this point, so when finished the match DP goes onto phone where he does spend a lot of time talking to other daughter as they have fallen out. Eventually I fed up waiting so download and series that I thought we could both watch, I say I am going to start watching, he then flies into a rage and we have a row and say some stupid things. He is now full on shouting at me as ask him to leave me alone but just keeps going. I could go on but you get the picture. So he then puts on a film in the other room so drowning out my TV, I ask his to close the door, he wont so I do, he opens it again by this time I am beginning to get very cross. So in the end I and up sitting out in my conservsatory with nothing to watch. The issue is he is now blaming me for everything as a I was drunk wtaf. This is a recurring theme, yes I like a drink but I run a business, manage to house and it most def does not effect my day to day life. He now leaving me because I am a drunk, just for context his ex is an alcholic and just come out of rehab, I feel like I am being judges on her tbh. He has started on me again this morning, just so fed up and needed to vent, sorry this was so long.. I have feeling numb, just fed up living on egg shells in my own house. What would you do?

OP posts:
solsbury · 17/07/2017 10:01

please please do not move in with him, if he does leave he's doing you a massive favour. You have so much going on, and he's laying into you, after you've hosted his children in your house for the weekend? Who exactly does he think he is??

RockyBird · 17/07/2017 10:01

Don't move in with your DP.

Don't give your son any more money, help him seek help (maybe you already have).

Good luck

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 17/07/2017 10:03

What they said. He has acted like a prize pillock and you are well rid.

ExplodedCloud · 17/07/2017 10:04

Can you stop the house sale?

Blossomflowers · 17/07/2017 10:59

Umm. He is very good at making me feel like I am in the wrong, his kids were here for a week. Not one thanks. Just come back from DR and he is leaving lids of coffee milk out and bread chucked around, sounds trivial but he is trying to wind me up. exploded I have 6 months to sell

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solsbury · 17/07/2017 11:22

honestly, if you go ahead with this sale, you are signing yourself up for living your life like this, and nowhere to escape. His kids were at yours for a WEEK? what's wrong with them going to his?? and now he's trying to wind you up - to what end? To me it shows that he thinks you are desperate to keep him and will take anything in order to keep him. What he hasn't counted on is that maybe he isn't god's gift, and maybe the scales are falling from your eyes right NOW...

Kr1stina · 17/07/2017 11:28

Don't sell your house.

Don't move in with him, dump him.

Decide if you are dependent on alcohol and if you are, get help.

Blossomflowers · 17/07/2017 11:28

Sols We live in his and mine, all a bit complicated, his house is in France, I don't normally mind them staying but this week has been hard and I was not even asked. He truly believes he has done nothing wrong, think he preparing to leave me again. I am just getting on with my work and chatting on here lol. He is 55 acting like a 12 year old

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 17/07/2017 11:28

So you don't have the option to stay in the house long term? Is it possible to rent or buy your own place once yours is sold?
It just sounds like him and his dc are causing annoyance that you really don't need when you're at full tilt with stuff that isn't immediately fixable (tests, addiction, hospital trips).

Blossomflowers · 17/07/2017 11:32

Exploded no the house needs to be sold, I have accepted that, was thinking I was going to set up a new life in France but seems that is out of the window. I will have a bit of money but not enough to buy another place sadly

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 17/07/2017 11:37

Don't sell. That would be my advice

Blossomflowers · 17/07/2017 12:11

Bit sadly I have no choice re sale. He is making me feel very bad about myself.

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 17/07/2017 12:14

That's a shame :( If you do fancy France though could you afford to make that move independently?

Blossomflowers · 17/07/2017 12:34

Explode would not really work. Feel like I have totally wasted the last 18 months. He used to tell me I beautiful, we had such plans, now he says I am fat drunk. I feel ashamed that I am letting him treat me like this. I neither a drunk or fat btw. He is over weight and does not care about his appearance said why should he. I am stunned someone can believe that they are completely innocent. He said he hates arguments to carry on the next day but has just laid into me again this morning. Has driven off with my sons keys and scared to leave the house now and really need to visit the hospital. grrr

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 17/07/2017 12:38

You do have a choice. Don't move in with him. Keep your house

inlectorecumbit · 17/07/2017 13:31

keep your house, bag up his stuff and put outside, Change the locks-jobs done.

Blossomflowers · 17/07/2017 13:34

intec that would only inflame the situation. He is a big guy and can get quite aggressive. He is leaving anyhow so juts let him huff and puff around the house, He is helping self to food and drinks and making as much mess as possible as I am sure he trying to get a reaction, I am not engaging and trying to keep calm. I would happily sit down and discuss but little point as he feels like a victim.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 17/07/2017 13:39

When is he leaving.Please don't let him take advantage here. If you fear for your safety call 101 and put an alert on your number/house.
Don't bother discussing anything with him, you would be wasting your time and effort.
You can't argue with stupid and you deserve better.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2017 13:40

You know what you need to do!
Now put plans in place to make it happen.
You are more than capable.
You know what's what now.
He's an asshole and pretty abusive with it.
Putting you down all the time.
Gaslighting you!
Don't let your son think this is what women put up with.
Most of us don't
Neither should you!

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2017 13:41

And stop enabling your son.
Is he going to GA?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/07/2017 13:45

I am sorry about your dad and hope you are soon onn the right track with your own health concerns.

Talk about poor timing - is DP picking fights because underneath it all he somehow feels neglected?

ExplodedCloud · 17/07/2017 13:47

It does sound like it's over then. So once he's gone (today?) you need to make a plan for you. What are your housing options? Is your ds looking for help?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2017 13:52

underneath it all he somehow feels neglected?
Ah yeah!
Poor little lamb.
What with everything HE is going through and all!!!
Jeez!

Blossomflowers · 17/07/2017 13:52

hells re son I only found out recently about gambling and yet to speak with him as not had chance yet, I will not be enabling him trust me.
donkey thanks yep shit timing, he should be ashamed the way he is carrying on. Just made his lunch and left shit everywhere again looking for a fight. I give up impossible to deal with that mentality so so childish rather ridiculous for a man his age.

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 17/07/2017 13:53

explode I have six months maybe a little more so ok for now.

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