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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner not interested in my body

57 replies

xxdriftwoodxx · 16/07/2017 01:57

Hi
I've been with my partner for 4 years after I divorced my husband of 18 years.
Sex with my partner was sparse at the beginning and quickly stopped, after 2 years I found out he'd been meeting men for oral sex performed on him, I gained access to the sites he used and viewed his comments on his profile.
We broke up, but got back together and tried to start again. Still no sex or interest, no arousal at the site of my body, nothing,
We tried counselling about our issues and it came out my partner had issues with women due to bad relationships , he's also been married 3 times then divorced after having affairs with other women,
Four years on , two Counselor's later, sex isn't happening, there's no interest by my partner, I am slowly dying inside as I miss being close sexually to someone special in my life .
If I walk away, am I being selfish or unreasonable to leave because we're not having a physical relationship?
This four years had broken my confidence in myself , I'm confused as what to do or think.
My partner doesn't seem affected by this at all and seems happy and content in his life, going about his hobbies and pub nights, playing golf and watching football, his life looks complete .
Am I expecting too much and being self centred?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2017 02:05

Your partner is most likely gay, but even that is almost beside the point at this juncture. You do not have a real partnership with this man, and you are wasting your time. You will never have the life you deserve with him, and it's time to move on and quickly. Life is too short.

newjobsoon · 16/07/2017 02:06

You are not being selfish at all. He is. He knew you wanted a normal sexual relationship and he isn't providing you with it. In fact I would say he probably is getting his needs met elsewhere.
Sounds to me given past history that this is his normal. LTB.
This is nothing to do with you . I mean what man does what he's done FFS.
You need to look at why you are still with him.

GinAndGooseberry · 16/07/2017 02:10

Blimey, I agree, this is nothing to do with you. For some reason, despite being gay he's going out with a woman.

disentangle yourself from this charade. You'll be a lot less lonely without him rejecting you constantly.

thestamp · 16/07/2017 03:10

How would it be selfish for you to want a sexual relationship??

Pack it in, let him go. He will be fine without you and you will.move on to better things.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 16/07/2017 03:13

It's sounds like you will never be fulfilled by this man, not sexually or emotionally. Why are you still with him, wouldn't life be better on your own?

thestamp · 16/07/2017 03:15

Also... Just a note on language, or something to think about... You ask if you are being self centred. You do know that you're supposed to be self centred, right? Unless you're talking about your own small children, you are actually meant to put yourself first. No one else is going to put you first.

This man is quite plainly a bisexual serial philanderer who is not interested in having a normal romantic/sexual relationship with you. I agree with pp, you need to ask yourself v seriously why you have let this go on for four years.

antimatter · 16/07/2017 03:24

Don't sacrifice your happiness for his comforts!
He lied to you. He knew if his desires but decided to marry you to have wife to show to his family and/or friends that he's settled.
That was very cruel!

LellyMcKelly · 16/07/2017 06:58

This happened to me. Your partner is gay or bisexual. Either way, he's a cheater. He's probably still cheating on you. It's not your fault and you can't fix it. I was married for 15 years before I found out. You are not selfish for wanting a sex life.

Timefortea99 · 16/07/2017 07:00

He'll be fine if you leave.

You need to leave him, he is not for you.

ElspethFlashman · 16/07/2017 07:03

He's gay, love!

The only way he'd be interested in your body is if you were a six-footer called Big Dave.

Stop wasting your valuable time.

HotelEuphoria · 16/07/2017 07:12

He is gay but not open about it. You probaby provide a replacement for his mum whilst allowing the rest of the world to believe he is straight.

Do you do the housework? Wash his clothes, cook his meals?

He has it pretty good, he won't leave, you need to call it a day.

MerryMarigold · 16/07/2017 07:13

Sex is the least of your problems.

He has has serial affairs with his wives. He's been unfaithful to you.

I don't care if he's gay or not. It's cruel for him to stay with you as a friend.

Onedaysoooon · 16/07/2017 07:15

What?! No idea why you took him back when you found out he was meeting up with men nor why you carried on when the counselling didn't work. He will never be attracted to you. End it today.

Smeaton · 16/07/2017 07:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Footle · 16/07/2017 07:22

Sounds like he doesn't even register you as a person. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself a proper life where you are valued.

OrangeButton · 16/07/2017 07:26

It doesn't matter what his sexuality is. He's cheated/cheating on you, not honest in therapy (I suspect or things would have moved on in the sessions and it may be he's not honest with himself) and for a long time isn't satisfying you in fundamental ways.

I've been ignored sexually for years in similar-ish circumstances and it has killed a part of me. Get out asap. Every day longer is another part that dies. It will heal but takes time and there's no point adding to the pain now and healing process later.

And if you're trapped financially, then this is one of the only times I'd advocate having an affair (discreetly). To feel the warmth of being attractive and desirable to someone in itself can be very good for self esteem and sense of self, both of which are being eroded daily by the dynamics of this relationship.

crazykitten20 · 16/07/2017 07:33

If I walk away, am I being selfish or unreasonable to leave because we're not having a physical relationship?

No. you are being reasonable. Look after you. That's what he's doing.

Crumbs1 · 16/07/2017 07:34

I know you're not married it you are living as a married couple and part of the wedding vow goes " with my body I thee honour". I know it's an old fashioned concept but that honour includes not seeing others for extramarital (or extra relationship) sex: regardless of whether with a man or women, it includes taking time to ensure the holistic needs of both partners are met.
In the cold light of a Sunday morning I'd say he had cheated, lied, been hurtful, is lacking awareness or honesty about his own sexuality and expecting you to be content with second best. I think, even if you get along on a day to day basis, resentment will build and destroy you.

Saiman · 16/07/2017 07:54

He is gay. Thats why he meets men and isnt interested in you.

Thats beside the point though. He cheated. My dh is bi. Doesnt bother me at all. Because he knows if he cheats, he is gone. The gender of the person he cheats with doesnt matter.

He seems happy and isnt bothered because he isnt bothered if you get upset and is likely still meeting men. He is getting his sexual needs takrn care of.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 16/07/2017 09:16

Am I expecting too much?
No you're not. I got half way through your post and was wondering why you're flogging a dead horse of a relationship. 4 years of sparce then no sex, he's not interested in your body, he's cheated on you with men, counselling. Look, you've given it your best shot, why are you still trying to make a rubbish relationship work? I think the time and money spent on couples counselling would've been better used on you going alone and trying to figure out why you'd rather stay in what is clearly a shit relationship than be single.

Original poster

xxdriftwoodxx · 16/07/2017 09:42

Part of my dilemma is due to my partner trying to compensate in other ways to make up for our situation, he seems to go out of his way to look after me in silly ways, then looks proud that he's thinking about me. He is trying his utmost in his way to seem like a good provider, this is where I feel guilty as it's clear he is worried I'm going to leave.
It's so true though this is eating me up , if my partner couldn't have sex I would stand by him as I did the first two years when under the idea he did have ED, but now I feel worse after his indisgresdions knowing he can function when he wants to but not with me. I tried everything to get him interested, the results happened if I dressed a certain way but he wasn't eager to try again , in fact said I was trying too hard which put him off or that my reminders put him under pressure. My partner had had a sexually active life with many females before he met me even trying swinging sites, of which was one of the sites I found out he'd been on a few years ago as well as the site Fab guys where he met most people before I found out.
I stay so far because my heart loves this man, my brain tells me to think about myself as from looking from the outside I know I shouldn't put up with this for many reasons.
I see I should think of myself as he would if I rejected him if he was interested, I was worrying using sex as the deal breaker when I gave him a second chance to change or try to be physically close with me or see if we could was fair.
Deep down I know this is a living suicide, it is tearing me apart as I know he loves me and he's scared to loose me, he's constantly telling me he loves me or holds me, he thinks the world of me, all so confusing to me, hence looking for your views!

OP posts:

Original poster

xxdriftwoodxx · 16/07/2017 09:45

Yes crumbs, I am resenting him, I'm being a person I don't like, slightly passive aggressive as fed up of talking about the same thing or more to the point he is fed up of going on about the same thing. I keep checking out forums of how others manage, I see I am not being unreasonable , why do I feel to walk away is failing or giving up?

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/07/2017 09:49

He won't be interested in your body of he's meeting men online for blow jobs. He's gay!

Time to leave OP

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/07/2017 09:49

**if

juneau · 16/07/2017 09:53

Your DP is gay OP. You need to get your head around this, then get up the courage and motivation to leave him once and for all. A man who pays other men to give him oral sex is not all that likely to be turned on by the sight of a woman's body. Please end this relationship before your self-esteem is irreparably damaged. It's not you, it's him. It really is. He is a closeted homosexual.

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