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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner not interested in my body

57 replies

xxdriftwoodxx · 16/07/2017 01:57

Hi
I've been with my partner for 4 years after I divorced my husband of 18 years.
Sex with my partner was sparse at the beginning and quickly stopped, after 2 years I found out he'd been meeting men for oral sex performed on him, I gained access to the sites he used and viewed his comments on his profile.
We broke up, but got back together and tried to start again. Still no sex or interest, no arousal at the site of my body, nothing,
We tried counselling about our issues and it came out my partner had issues with women due to bad relationships , he's also been married 3 times then divorced after having affairs with other women,
Four years on , two Counselor's later, sex isn't happening, there's no interest by my partner, I am slowly dying inside as I miss being close sexually to someone special in my life .
If I walk away, am I being selfish or unreasonable to leave because we're not having a physical relationship?
This four years had broken my confidence in myself , I'm confused as what to do or think.
My partner doesn't seem affected by this at all and seems happy and content in his life, going about his hobbies and pub nights, playing golf and watching football, his life looks complete .
Am I expecting too much and being self centred?

OP posts:

Applebloom · 16/07/2017 09:55

You are not being self centered to have /want your needs met within a relationship.
You are really flogging a dead horse holding on to the scraps of an already crumbled relationship

Of course your partner is content his needs are getting met : No sex with you and he got to cheat(regardless of gender) when he wanted to.
What difference does it make if he'd had oral sex with women rather than men? He clearly doesn't respect or care about you or your feelings.
Do your confidence a favour and ditch this poor excuse of a 'partner' for one that actually wants you! Cos this current guy doesn't and no amount of counseling is going to fix a cheater who isn't attracted to you.

Time to be self centered for once and go grab the life and partnership that's right for you, stop settling for 'the one that's there'

Guavaf1sh · 16/07/2017 10:05

He's gay. You can't be happy in a heterosexual relationship with him

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/07/2017 10:08

He doesn't want you to leave op because your his cover story for being gay
He hides behind you as he did with that her women, he's a coward and allowing you
To,waste your life like this, so he can live his.

Original poster

xxdriftwoodxx · 16/07/2017 10:09

I'm sure he isn't meeting anyone at the moment or since I've been back, he now works from home and accountable where he goes , most of the time, though I know as was discussed in counselling, he satisfies himself in private

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 10:10

Seriously ?

GinAndGooseberry · 16/07/2017 10:14

Just say "it's not making me happy".
Everything seems more complicated to you right now but tell him simple statements that cant be argued with.

I want to be desired by somebody who loves me.
I want to have sex.
You have been unfaithful.
This has become very complicated for me.
This complication makes me unhappy.

OrangeButton · 16/07/2017 10:16

Seriously all these people saying he's gay. He might be or he might be bi, or he might describe it differently. It really, really doesn't matter. The point is he's not sexually meeting OPs needs by a LONG shot, blaming her for that and getting his own needs met behind her back (at least historically). It's not ok.

Mintychoc1 · 16/07/2017 10:17

OP he's gay. I presume you are heterosexual? In which case, he no more wants sex with you than you would want sex with a woman. I have many good female friends who I really care about and would do kind things for. But it wouldn't matter what they wore or how pretty they were, I don't want sex with them, because I fancy men. As does your partner.

It's cruel that he won't acknowledge this and end your relationship.

LanaDReye · 16/07/2017 10:46

I don't understand why you are questioning whether to keep this going when you aren't actually in the real partnership relationship that you need.

You seem happy that he helps himself out alone, as long as he isn't with men, but desperate for normal sex.

It's contradictory and I wonder if he has manipulated you to doubt yourself, put up and shut up?

MsStricty · 16/07/2017 11:52

driftwood - What the fuck are you doing with him? Really! This is not so much a matter of who he is or what he does, or what you want, or what he wants. It's just simply: "What the fuck are you doing with him?"

Why is it that this is something you can't walk away from? What is it that has you so torn? I am reading everything you've written about him and shaking my head in disbelief that you are taking responsibility for an absolute non-starter of a destructive scenario.

Have you considered therapy?

laGrosellaEspinosa · 16/07/2017 11:57

Leaving somebody is a shit load of hassle and admin and uncertainty yes, but you can get through that

Tofutti · 16/07/2017 12:42

OP, are you listening to anyone here? He's gay.

Do you really want to look back in another 4 years, then 8 years, at all the time ypu wasted?

AnyFucker · 16/07/2017 12:50

This poster is one of those people that keeps coming back with the same (but worsening) scenario and expecting the responses to be different

Op, stop wasting your life with this man. How many ways do you need to hear it ?

stitchglitched · 16/07/2017 12:51

How do you know he has slept with loads of women in the past? Did he tell you that? Sounds like he is over compensating to me. He is clearly gay. I don't know why you would continue to put up with this non relationship. You don't have to sacrifice your own happiness and self esteem just because he isn't brave enough to be honest about who he really is.

sodablackcurrant · 16/07/2017 12:56

Look up the definition of "Beard" on Urban Dictionary or Wiki.

It is your situation OP I think.

Neutrogena · 16/07/2017 13:05

Cheating aside, if a woman was on here posting that she no longer wants sex with her OH, I hope the man would be encouraged to leave the wife.

thereallochnessmonster · 16/07/2017 13:07

He's gay!!!

Why on earth would you stay with someone after they cheated on you?

Split up with him and find someone who loves and fancies you.

noego · 16/07/2017 13:13

I think he is Bi and into swinging. That's how he is getting his sexual kicks. Which means any other kind of sex is boring.
You need to either join them or leave them!!

Applebloom · 16/07/2017 13:23

Sorry OP sounds like you are housemates only.
He satisfies himself in private
You presumably have no choice but to do the same

So you share a room/house to privately have separate sex lives without eachother! ??

What's the point??

DistanceCall · 16/07/2017 14:27

He's gay. Wanting to have a sexual relationship is not "being self-centred".

Leave him and find someone who is actually attracted to you and loves you. Because this man certainly doesn't love you or desire you.

PearlyPinkNails · 16/07/2017 14:50

Don't you care that he's gay then?

thestamp · 16/07/2017 15:17

Op you feel like you're failing by walking away because women are taught that they are responsible to make EVERY relationship work no matter what, and when it fails, they're taught that it's the woman's fault because men aren't supposed to be good at relationships, it's all meant to be down to us.

But firstly op that is bullshit because men and women are equally responsible for their relationships. Just because you FEEL like you can't walk away, doesn't mean you should stay. You have a choice. Exercise your power of choice.

And secondly. This man is not into you as a sexual partner. You cannot make him want you in that way. There is NOTHING here for you. There's something for him - you are his cover story, the respectable partner that he can use to pretend hes just like everyone else. Do you want to let that happen?

Do you understand that you can't make him want you sexually?

Like... There is literally nothing you could do that would make this work.

Original poster

xxdriftwoodxx · 16/07/2017 17:08

After the last two years and nothing has changed I came on here in hope to hear exactly what I am thinking inside but scared to act on as I feel selfish, I have heard exactly what I am thinking inside, I just needed to hear others repeat my inner thoughts.
i have been on here at each stage of thought seeking advice, not sure wether it's because this time I have had enough or wether all your posts have echoed my thoughts, either way I do feel ready to move on now without this guy , as this life is killing me. I know he'll just move on and so will I,
Thank you for your frankness it's what I needed to hear.
Next is how to approach this with him .🌹

OP posts:

laGrosellaEspinosa · 16/07/2017 17:10

Approach it like the non-negotiable it is.

pickledparsnip · 16/07/2017 17:32

Please leave him. You deserve better.

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