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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I raped?

62 replies

IP1974 · 15/07/2017 19:46

A few years ago I went on a night out with my then partner and our respective best friends. My friend and I are fairly big drinkers to set the scene so I'm no lightweight. I had about 2 or 3 drinks with my friend before we met the ex and his friend. We had one drink with them, which I only remember about half of. The rest of the night is hazy images of my ex arguing with me and his friend (filthy creep) with his arm around me. Ex's friend treats women appallingly. He's vile. Anyway I woke up the next morning in my own bed. Ex was downstairs on the phone to his friend whispering. Ex started having a go at me for how out of it I was. My mobile phone had loads of texts from his friend asking me if I was ok and with his address on for me to go there!! The thing is, the next morning I felt like I'd had sex (you know don't you). I felt sore. I am 99.9% sure that one of them spiked my drink. I know they did as I can hold my drink well and I hadn't had much, I'd eaten before going out etc. If anyone had sex with me it was my ex, while I was unconscious. There's nothing at all I can do about it now but I was thinking about it (I do quite a lot) and I should have gone straight to the police shouldn't I? I stayed with him knowing this about him. I never mentioned knowing (or believing) what he'd done. I felt crap anyway after how the night had gone. Just lately I keep getting angry about it. I'm NC with my ex and he would never admit this anyway. From what I've said do you think he did? He was not a sexually abusive man generally although our sex life was awful throughout. His friend was sexually abusive to women. It makes me feel sick thinking about it. I'm going out with the same female friend later (she did her best to keep me safe that night), I've never spoken to her about what happened as she hated my ex anyway. I'm just not sure how to deal with it. I feel like I need to know the truth

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OhMyYears · 15/07/2017 21:32

My gut instinct was that it was his friend, I don't know why though...so sorry this has happened to you. If you are unconscious then you didn't consent, so if you think someone had sex with you then it was definitely rape. I think there was a typo in your post, you said his friend was texting you loads asking if you was OK and something about an address?

IP1974 · 15/07/2017 23:05

His friend was texting me his address which leads me to believe he wasn't there when I was home.

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IP1974 · 16/07/2017 09:10

.

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category12 · 16/07/2017 09:18

It sounds like you were raped. I think to some extent "birds of a feather" and who a person chooses as friends says something about themselves.

You could speak to rape crisis or look for counselling?

Ledkr · 16/07/2017 09:24

Op a very similar thing happened to me some time ago. I'm not even sure I remember much about it and I'd never be able to do much but it does crop up from time to time and I feel furious about it.
I think about it less and less now and have recently trained as a rape crisis volunteer so have put my experience into a good use of you see what I mean?
I'd definitely call rape crisis and talk it through, it really helps.

IP1974 · 16/07/2017 09:25

I'm not sure what to say to them 😥

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debbs77 · 16/07/2017 09:34

Could you speak to your friend? Maybe she knows something or could help join the dots.

IP1974 · 16/07/2017 09:38

I spoke to her last night. At the end of the night out she went home after making sure I was in a taxi (with ex 🙄). She doesn't know any more but she agrees I was spiked. She knows that wasn't me that night. I'm so sad and fuming

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Ledkr · 16/07/2017 10:21

You don't need to say anything. The person on the other end is highly trained and used to people who don't know where to begin.
Start with something like "I don't know where to begin"

QueenLaBeefah · 16/07/2017 10:26

I think you were raped and your ex and friend set you up.

IP1974 · 16/07/2017 10:35

Queen I agree. Isn't it sickening. I don't understand why though. At the time me and ex were relatively ok. No trust issues etc. My ex did in the end have a very sinister side to him that exposed itself gradually. But why would he do this? I know there isn't a rational answer

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QueenLaBeefah · 16/07/2017 10:39

He did it because he is an utterly revolting human being. None of this was your fault.

Whathappensnowthen · 16/07/2017 10:50

I don't want to come across as insensitive, but you're making a massive leap here. Firstly, you don't actually know that anything happened. Even if it did, you don't know who it was. It's all guesses and possibilities.

Don't get me wrong, this is clearly something that is bothering you and I'm not diminishing that, but to start accusing someone of rape when you don't even know if it happened, that's a big thing.

IP1974 · 16/07/2017 10:59

Whathappensnowthen that's why I posted this but the truth is I do know! The consequences of this for him will be absolutely nothing! Nothing! For violating me in this way. I will throw my accusations where ever I please on an anonymous internet forum. Your comment is not only insensitive, it's demeaning and hurtful.

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IP1974 · 16/07/2017 11:09

I want to add that I'm not the type of person that throws accusations about. I am 2 years post this relationship and slowly coming to terms and recovering from it. I'm questioning a lot of his actions at the moment with a clear head and trying to work it all out exactly how much of a fucked up individual he was

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KarmaNoMore · 16/07/2017 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IP1974 · 16/07/2017 12:52

Yes maybe counselling or rape crisis may help. The problem is I don't remember what happened, I just know that it did. It's just horrible. How bloody dare he! This is also a man who was so utterly convinced I was cheating he bought a payg phone to text me and try to trap me. Sickening

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category12 · 16/07/2017 13:10

I think Rape Crisis etc will have experience of this kind of rape: I don't think that you need more information than you already to have, for them to be able to support you.

KarmaNoMore · 16/07/2017 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IP1974 · 16/07/2017 13:20

I am angry Karma. But I don't feel this will take me over if you know what I mean. I'm happy and safe and settled now. The anger is the total lack of consequence for him. And also that he had the audacity the next day to be all judgemental towards me because I was 'out of it' despite knowing what he'd done. He's a vile pig. This is just one of many examples of his appalling behaviour

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Whathappensnowthen · 16/07/2017 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

picklemepopcorn · 16/07/2017 14:42

But OP felt it at the time, but didn't know what to do about it. Totally normal response. Now she is in a stronger place, she is trying to understand it better.

Your comments don't help her process what happened.

Whathappensnowthen · 16/07/2017 15:41

The post title asks the question "Was I raped?" The OP seems to already know the answer and does not want to read any comment that disagrees with her. If she needs help processing something, then she should obviously seek councelling.

houseinamess · 16/07/2017 15:45

What I don't understand is... why you would go out with your ex and his friend who you don't trust. Your friend does not trust the friend and neither of you presumably like the ex . To go out with them like that and then have your ex stay overnight? I don't understand. Something horrible went on and both of them know what it was. Don't see either of them again and let them know exactly how you feel. It's too late to report it unfortunately.

IP1974 · 16/07/2017 15:50

He wasn't my ex at the time. We were together. He's an ex now thankfully

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