Was I raped?

[IP1974]

A few years ago I went on a night out with my then partner and our respective best friends. My friend and I are fairly big drinkers to set the scene so I'm no lightweight. I had about 2 or 3 drinks with my friend before we met the ex and his friend. We had one drink with them, which I only remember about half of. The rest of the night is hazy images of my ex arguing with me and his friend (filthy creep) with his arm around me. Ex's friend treats women appallingly. He's vile. Anyway I woke up the next morning in my own bed. Ex was downstairs on the phone to his friend whispering. Ex started having a go at me for how out of it I was. My mobile phone had loads of texts from his friend asking me if I was ok and with his address on for me to go there!! The thing is, the next morning I felt like I'd had sex (you know don't you). I felt sore. I am 99.9% sure that one of them spiked my drink. I know they did as I can hold my drink well and I hadn't had much, I'd eaten before going out etc. If anyone had sex with me it was my ex, while I was unconscious. There's nothing at all I can do about it now but I was thinking about it (I do quite a lot) and I should have gone straight to the police shouldn't I? I stayed with him knowing this about him. I never mentioned knowing (or believing) what he'd done. I felt crap anyway after how the night had gone. Just lately I keep getting angry about it. I'm NC with my ex and he would never admit this anyway. From what I've said do you think he did? He was not a sexually abusive man generally although our sex life was awful throughout. His friend was sexually abusive to women. It makes me feel sick thinking about it. I'm going out with the same female friend later (she did her best to keep me safe that night), I've never spoken to her about what happened as she hated my ex anyway. I'm just not sure how to deal with it. I feel like I need to know the truth

Because rape is not about sex Clarry.

I believe you, IP.

Counselling could be very helpful. I'm having counselling at the moment about something different to what happened to you, but similar in that at the time I didn't really process it properly but it has sat inside my head festering for a long time.

Counselling has helped me to work through it. It's not NLP though - NLP is useful but more to find coping strategies once you have processed the core pain, and is typically faster (you will hear counsellors say things like "be kind to yourself"). The deeper forms of psychotherapy might be more useful for you to heal, although it's a fairly long process.

Good luck

Clarry, because people do bad things just because they can sometimes.

I hope you're doing OK, op. Please speak to Rape Crisis.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.
I honestly can't imagine what it must be like for you.
I hope you've contacted Rape Crisis.
The issue is you've kept it bottled up for so long.
Now it's all pouring out and you need help to deal with it.
It's like PTSD, you may well be going through that.

clarrylove I'm pleased you weren't around when they were passing the law that rape should be, and now is, illegal within a marriage!

I believe you.

Unfortunately some of these responses are why it's obvious rape culture is still thriving.

I'm so sorry OP.

I did training with Rape Crisis and this kind of thing is all too common and partners raping their girlfriends when drunk.

Why? Why doesn't matter. They do and it leaves their partners confused, scared and disgusted.

You're a ⭐️ and so strong OP. Don't let anyone get to you.

Just wanted to say that I believe you and I know exactly how you feel when you say you feel broken. Rape crisis are fantastic, I hope you get the help and support that you need.

I realise you are very upset but no need to be so hostile! You do have my full support as you are obviously traumatised. I was just confused if I had understood correctly as many posters were talking about an 'ex'. Of course I have heard of the increase in date rape and spiking drinks but didn't realise drugging one owns partner was so common. My bad!!

I echo the suggestions that you engage with some professional form of counselling and seek their advice asap.

I believe you op, there but for the grace of God go I. Twice I have been spiked, one of which a supposed friend (female supervisor at work) found it hilarious to spike my drink and watched laughing to see if I would have sex with one of two dirty old men who were in on it. Luckily I started to feel strange and escaped and walked to my then work (bar work when I was at university). My lovely manager called my brother, put me on a bus and sent me home(my brother met me at the other end, I don't remember anything). She found out later what had happened and the supervisor was sacked. I also had my drink spiked on my 18th, I remember becoming aware that someone was undressing me and doing things that I had not consent to. I couldn't move my body but after a few minutes fighting internally managed to speak which made him stop. I was a virgin at the time and remember screaming inside my head thinking No, No not like this, please not like this.

I wasn't raped but the actions of those creeps left me feeling vulnerable, violated, confused and scared. I was too frightened to tell anyone about the second incident, never mind tell the police. I blamed myself, its only wisdom that has come with age that makes me realise that I was a victim! Almost twenty years later I still feel the terror, confusion and fear that both incidents created.

As awful as rape is, its the violation that someone has taken over control of your body first by drugging/ spiking you, leaving you completely out of control and then by violating your body. The confusion and memory loss is doubly distressing because you have no idea whether they have photographed/ videod you or what they have actually done to your body whilst you were unconscious/ out of control. It is a completely vulnerable feeling that makes you feel incredibly small and insignificant.

So many hugs for you op, I hope that you can find some way to find peace in your self.

Rescue puppy, that's appalling and so violating. I'm really glad that things didn't go further but can imagine it would leave you very shellshocked. I can't believe how common it is to spike people's drinks. How desperate and vile must a person be to stoop that low...

Unfortunately it is very common, both with alcohol and drugs. I know that people will order triple vodkas then ask for lemonade and cordial to hide the alcohol content. Or ask for extra shots be put in cocktails. The person drinking it is unaware that they are having triple vodka/ extra strong cocktails and after three drinks they are out of control. I got to the stage where I would only drink with bottles and if I needed the loo I would either take my drink with me, or I wouldn't drink from any drink that had been left lying. I was spiked by hidden excess alcohol (my supposed friend) and definitely some sort of date rape drugs.

I have a friend who went out for a rare night out with the pta Mums. She had one glass of wine and then can't remember anything. During that time she was led outside somewhere and raped. She remembers none of it. Her friends found her dazed and confused in the street outside the club. She couldn't speak, they called her husband and he came to collect her. He ended up taking her to hospital where they confirmed she had been drugged. They sensitively advised her to let them do a rape kit test and they confirmed that she had been raped. Police Officers were called in and they got footage of her buying her drink, as well as footage of the barman messaging someone, followed by another man leading my confused friend out of the club. The barman was involved, police had suspected someone working there was drugging multiple women, but the women hadn't gone to hospital to have tests to confirm drugs in their bodies. There had been complaints from other women, who suspected they had been drugged but none with evidence. Unfortunately my friends marriage went through hell afterwards, as her husband just wasn't coping with what had happened. They are back together and stronger now but it was awful seeing the long term effects of the evil choices of very sick men.

My young friend has been spiked several times too, luckily she had very vigilant friends who refused to leave her side until she was home. This is frighteningly common!

Book :
I Will Find You: by joanna connors

Helped me enormously ...my story didnt follow hers exactly (or yours) ..but the feelings of shame ,gulit and violation were described so well . I was finally able to.come to terms wirh my experiences
And move forward .
Best wishes ...you are not alone

Thank you for the recommendation spud I will look for that. Rescuepuppy what you've described is horrendous. What you said about photo/video chills me to the bone to be honest.