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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was I raped?

62 replies

IP1974 · 15/07/2017 19:46

A few years ago I went on a night out with my then partner and our respective best friends. My friend and I are fairly big drinkers to set the scene so I'm no lightweight. I had about 2 or 3 drinks with my friend before we met the ex and his friend. We had one drink with them, which I only remember about half of. The rest of the night is hazy images of my ex arguing with me and his friend (filthy creep) with his arm around me. Ex's friend treats women appallingly. He's vile. Anyway I woke up the next morning in my own bed. Ex was downstairs on the phone to his friend whispering. Ex started having a go at me for how out of it I was. My mobile phone had loads of texts from his friend asking me if I was ok and with his address on for me to go there!! The thing is, the next morning I felt like I'd had sex (you know don't you). I felt sore. I am 99.9% sure that one of them spiked my drink. I know they did as I can hold my drink well and I hadn't had much, I'd eaten before going out etc. If anyone had sex with me it was my ex, while I was unconscious. There's nothing at all I can do about it now but I was thinking about it (I do quite a lot) and I should have gone straight to the police shouldn't I? I stayed with him knowing this about him. I never mentioned knowing (or believing) what he'd done. I felt crap anyway after how the night had gone. Just lately I keep getting angry about it. I'm NC with my ex and he would never admit this anyway. From what I've said do you think he did? He was not a sexually abusive man generally although our sex life was awful throughout. His friend was sexually abusive to women. It makes me feel sick thinking about it. I'm going out with the same female friend later (she did her best to keep me safe that night), I've never spoken to her about what happened as she hated my ex anyway. I'm just not sure how to deal with it. I feel like I need to know the truth

OP posts:

Lambzig · 16/07/2017 16:35

I work with rape Crisis. Depending on the area, we offer practical advice, legal support (ISVA), telephone helplines, group therapy and one to one counselling.

Unfortunately, your story is one that we hear far too frequently.

Please give them a call OP.

Original poster

IP1974 · 16/07/2017 16:59

Thank you. I'll try phoning them tomorrow

OP posts:

Original poster

IP1974 · 17/07/2017 00:40

😥😥😥 I need to talk now

OP posts:

AndNowItIsSeven · 17/07/2017 00:48

Do you mean right now? Could you call the Samaritans? Are rape crisis open at this time?

AndNowItIsSeven · 17/07/2017 00:48

Or " talk" on here

Original poster

IP1974 · 17/07/2017 00:59

I can't talk on here. I'm not believed by some (probably most).

OP posts:

ShoesHaveSouls · 17/07/2017 01:01

IP, I believe you. You just 'know' when you've had sex, or been raped, you just do. Even if you can't remember, you feel different in the morning.

I can totally understand why this is still with you, the not remembering must be torture for you. Please do speak people/organisations irl about it - Samaritans if you need it tonight, rape crisis tomorrow.

ShoesHaveSouls · 17/07/2017 01:03

Btw, I've been through similar. No spiking involved, but when fast asleep by an ex-P. More than once. It does haunt me. I understand.

Original poster

IP1974 · 17/07/2017 01:06

It's just massively unhelpful when you're accused of lying about such an enormous thing. I'm sorry you've all been lovely and understanding but the one that wasn't has broken me. It took such a lot to ask this. I feel like a fraud, just like when I was with him. Forget it and thank you kind ones. I'll try simaritams who may deal with my made up drama that I reached out for help with 😥

OP posts:

DeleteOrDecay · 17/07/2017 01:07

I believe you op, I would be willing to bet that actually the majority of people reading your thread will believe you. Ignore unhelpful posters like Whathappensnowthen and their victim blaming shite. And actually, you haven't 'accused' anyone of doing anything, you're merely talking through your experience and trying to figure out what and how events played out that might. I'm sad to say that it's not beyond the realms of possibility that you were raped this sort of situation is all too common.

I'm so sorry, do call Rape Crisis. They will help you deal with this.

ShoesHaveSouls · 17/07/2017 01:08

It's one of the massive injustices of our society that rape victims are not always believed. That poster has been deleted now. Strength to you, IP.

Original poster

IP1974 · 17/07/2017 01:12

Deleteordecay thank you. Why do you think people don't report this? This is what we get 😪😪

OP posts:

DeleteOrDecay · 17/07/2017 01:12

Please don't feel like a fraud. You are not and your experience is as valid as anyone else's.

Some people struggle to understand that rape isn't always being dragged kicking and screaming down an alley by a stranger. Their ignorance is not your problem.

Unfortunately this is yet another example of a man raping a woman and facing absolutely no consequences, whilst the woman is left to pick up the pieces and deal with what he did to her.

Stay strong IP

AndNowItIsSeven · 17/07/2017 01:14

Op I believe you and you are not a fraud.

Original poster

IP1974 · 17/07/2017 01:15

Shoes thank you too. I feel like its all too much 😪😪

OP posts:

Original poster

IP1974 · 17/07/2017 01:16

Thank you And. It really truly means a lot

OP posts:

emesis · 17/07/2017 01:29

OP you have been through something really traumatic . Only one poster has questioned whether you were raped and that was because you yourself asked the question "was I raped?" in the subject line. I believe it was a reasonable response to give you different case scenarios, but then after that, you said actually you know for sure you were raped.

Nobody has said you lied, unless I'm missing some deleted posts. Please don't think anyone is calling you a liar or saying you made things up.

I am sure the helpline will take you seriously, those men sound utterly horrible and none of this was your fault. What the person did was a crime.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 17/07/2017 01:42

I believe you too. Rape is something that has such a massive impact, whether you remember details or not. Please get in touch with Rape Crisis and keep talking on here, lots of us have experienced similar and understand.

TalkinBoutNuthin · 17/07/2017 01:45

Op, I've had my drink spiked. It was a horrible experience. I was lucky, nothing happened to me. But those hours are missing, no memory at all, and it happened so quickly.

Some drugs like rohypnol switch your brain off so that you have no free will, but you will respond to commands, and do as you are told.

AristotlesTrousers · 17/07/2017 06:07

I believe you OP. I can't believe a couple of the responses on here. Please don't be put off posting.

And you're not a fraud. I know that feeling well, and I'm sure many others do too. I think it's common when you're starting to come to terms with something like this and you're not yet sure enough that your feelings are valid and so you almost start to wonder if the non-believers have more of a claim on your experience than you do.

Please don't be silenced by them, but please do start to talk about it, because that's how you start to put it all together, and that (although not easy at times) is what will eventually empower you.

clarrylove · 17/07/2017 06:24

But he was your partner at the time, wasn't he? Why do you think your boyfriend would go to the lengths of spiking your drink. Wouldn't you have been having consensual sex with him anyway. Sorry if I have misunderstood here, just doesn't make sense to me.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 17/07/2017 06:44

Clarry because some men are disgusting individuals who want to feel in complete control and power over a woman. Consensual sexual wouldn't be enough for him.

So sorry OP. I completely believe you.

picklemepopcorn · 17/07/2017 06:46

Clarrylove,

Sometimes men want a docile partner, who won't object to what they do. Some men are a bit sick.
I don't think speculating why he would do it is going to help OP.

Original poster

IP1974 · 17/07/2017 08:15

Clarry don't you think I ask myself that? Repeatedly! I'm just broken today

OP posts:

Original poster

IP1974 · 17/07/2017 08:38

Clarry I might add that your response is EXACTLY why rapes don't get reported and these vile creatures walk away scott free so thank you for your support

OP posts:

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