In love with therapist/friend

[Mamaka]

An acquaintance of mine who is studying psychotherapy offered, after I opened up to him once, to talk through some things with me - past issues from my childhood and also the current breakdown of my marriage. He's doing it for free (I wouldn't be able to afford this otherwise) and I'm finding it really useful but I've started to become a bit....obsessed with him. I think about him constantly and message him frequently, and have to hold back from messaging him much, much more. I fantasise about running off into the sunset with him. It's so cliche because of course a therapist is trained to be non judgemental and empathetic, ask all the right questions and listen attentively. But he's just so damn perfect and I feel so taken care of that I can't get him out of my head. I have this idea in my head that we would actually be ideal together, we have similar backgrounds and values and he's had fairly similar experiences to me. I know he's single and very soon I will be too.
Would I be completely batshit to say something to him?

I'm training to be a therapist and it's highly unethical to counsel friends/someone you know. Also very unethical to date a client. I would suggest stopping the client/ counsellor relationship straight away.

He really shouldn't have offered you therapy to be honest, as you're close to each other.

As someone in a similar position as him, I'd never counsel anyone I knew personally, because it's easy to cross boundaries that way.

It's actually a conflict of interest to counsel someone you know, so whilst you think the world of him, he's not acting in accordance with the BACP ethical guidelines.

This is completely unethical. From the moment he 'offered' to counsel a friend.

There is so many things wrong here.

He should not be giving you counselling. This is one of the reasons but there are many.

And now you are his client he can not date you.

This is very unhealthy for you and he broke the guidelines the second he offered you counselling.

He's either a really bad therapist, or a really bad friend.

Get a new therapist.

And a new friend.

This is going to end very, very badly.

You need to withdraw from the friendship/ therapeutic relationship. He needs to speak to his supervisor about the mess he has created.

One of the first things covered in training are ethics.
If he was just speaking to you as a friend, it would be okay, but he offered to take it to another level as therapy with you.

A really big happy NO, NO.

He needs to speak to his supervisor about the mess he has created.

I doubt he'll do that. He knows it's wrong.

Google psychological transference.
Then get a new therapist, and cool it with your friend.

You can get free therapy at any number of places. Ring your local samaratins/ rape crisis centre and they will have a list of where you can access free therapy.

It's not healthy to continue with this intense and unethical relationship, and it's very, very damaging for you. You really must end it.

Good luck.

I doubt he'll do that. He knows it's wrong.

I agree.

This gives me an uneasy feeling. Like is preying on the Ops vulnerabilities.

It's not unusual for clients to fixate on their therapists, but it would be highly unethical for him to date you. Like so unethical it would make him a bad person.

So you need to come to grips with it being a side effect of the deep talks, sympathetic treatment etc, not as something that can be a relationship.

Unlike pp I am not as concerned by how unethical it is for him to have started counselling you, if it was a mere acquaintanceship rather than a friendship beforehand. Depends on the level it was.

Yy to what everyone else has said.

Developing romantic feelings for your therapist is really common in counselling. They've created a safe space for you, listen to you and make you feel heard, all of which can be very alluring. But this is where having really good boundaries becomes vital to the process. He hasn't put those in place by the sounds of it and I would be questioning his competence as a counsellor.

Besides, it's fucking batshit, unprofessional and unethical to offer to counsel your friends. As a counsellor, you will often get people coming to you for advice or a shoulder to cry on but you actively avoid encouraging this because it goes against everything you're taught and against BACP guidelines.

I'd be questioning you 'friend's' motives personally.

Oh dear :(
He was an acquaintance but I'd say we are becoming friends. He certainly doesn't discourage me from messaging him etc.
What would his motives be other than wanting to offer assistance?
I can't get free counselling at the moment as I'm living outside of the UK. Unless I can access it over phone or Skype?

he's just so damn perfect - do you mean he is portraying his perfect life you you and is looking down at you?

Dunno, his motivations could be anything at all. He could be an altruistic person who genuinely wants to help you.

Or, he could be sinister.

Regardless, the fact he's done this means he's a shit counsellor.

Why would he put his career at risk, for an acquaintance?

What a creep.

Some men can spot a vulnerable woman a mile off, he's unethical and incredibly unprofessional at best, and really sinister at worst.

Get a new therapist, bin the friend.

Wow I'm quite taken aback by the strength of all your responses. I really didn't think I was that vulnerable. I thought I was taking a proactive step in the right direction by taking him up on his offer.

If it happens in a traditional boundaried relationship with a therapist then i would say work through the feelings to the point of accepting that it won't be a romantic relationship but can be a caring and non rejecting one nonetheless (which are a natural part of attachment/relationship). However the blurring of the boundaries means you are not quite safe to do this. I think if I were you I would choose if you want him as a friend or a therapist and then tell him you want him clearly in one role or the other. Don't get romantically involved right now. And if he is to continue giving you therapy, agree clear boundaries to contact including texting, which should stop.

He is using you OP. It could be that he is only using you to improve his skills or it could be worse. Ask him what his supervisor has said about your relationship. If he hasn't told his supervisor about his sessions with you, end them and put some distance between you for a while.

I was always under the impression that this was to help him gain experience and improve his skills so I don't feel that is "using me" so to speak - more like mutually beneficial. I have no idea if he has told his supervisor about this, I know that he is distance learning but presumably he still has a supervisor.
You have all freaked me out a little. At least it's popped the "perfect" bubble!

We have vulnerabilities.

You have had had childhood issues and a recent marriage break down. Of course you are vulnerable.

You are speaking to him abiur veey personal things. At best he is using you for his own experience. Which isnt great. Because he isnt qualified yet. He clearly has not paid any attention to the ethics of it.

Or he could be a complete fucker, who finds this is an easy way to get women into a position he can manipulate them.

Either way he shouldn't be doing what he is doing. He is either very new to course or a twat.

If he's so new to it he's not done his ethics training yet he shouldn't be seeing any clients yet. When I trained we had to pass a certain number of modules before we started a properly supervised placement. If he is at the point of doing his placement then he knows he shouldn't be working with someone he knows. He shouldn't be responding to a lot of messages outside of your session time either, at the very least it should be discussed and boundaries agreed.
Most distance learning courses run into issues because places like BACP have quite rigerous requirements of courses in order for them to count. For a diploma which is level 4 and the lowest level of counselling qualification that allows you to actually work with people (shorter level 2 or 3 do not) you're required to study for at least a year full time or at least 2 part time. Have around 440 taught hours so actually sat in a classroom working in a group practising on each other to start with and then, as I said, a properly supervised placement.

When I did the brief introduction 12 week level 2 course many years ago I knew I couldn't see friends or family as clients. He has no excuses. At best he's motivated because he wants to count the time he spends with you towards qualifying or accreditation but the hours will have to be disregarded because he shouldn't be doing it. He's not perfect, at the very best he is naive and woefully under prepared. You can contact BACP (other professional organisations are available) and ask if he's registered with them. As students we were required to be a member of a professional body and have an ethical framework we adhere too. I tell all my clients about this and my qualifications at the start of therapy, did he? Please consider reporting him if he is a member because what he's doing is potentially damaging for you and has wider implications such as bringing the profession into disrepute.

If at the outside his course and supervisor is aware that this is what he is doing then he's been very badly let down.

Wrong on all levels. Sorry.

The purpose of a supervisor is to ensure that therapists are working ethically and within their capabilities with clients. If he is not discussing your case with his supervisor then he is behaving very poorly indeed.