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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In love with therapist/friend

65 replies

Mamaka · 15/07/2017 15:36

An acquaintance of mine who is studying psychotherapy offered, after I opened up to him once, to talk through some things with me - past issues from my childhood and also the current breakdown of my marriage. He's doing it for free (I wouldn't be able to afford this otherwise) and I'm finding it really useful but I've started to become a bit....obsessed with him. I think about him constantly and message him frequently, and have to hold back from messaging him much, much more. I fantasise about running off into the sunset with him. It's so cliche because of course a therapist is trained to be non judgemental and empathetic, ask all the right questions and listen attentively. But he's just so damn perfect and I feel so taken care of that I can't get him out of my head. I have this idea in my head that we would actually be ideal together, we have similar backgrounds and values and he's had fairly similar experiences to me. I know he's single and very soon I will be too.
Would I be completely batshit to say something to him?

OP posts:

GoldenOrb · 16/07/2017 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mamaka · 16/07/2017 18:58

Oh wow goldenorb I hope I don't end up outside this guy's house

OP posts:

mummabubs · 16/07/2017 20:33

Exactly what @erinaceus said OP- you have not done anything wrong and certainly not been stupid in this scenario. The fault lies with your therapist/friend in offering you therapy. The fact that he'd even suggested he'd do it for free as its experience for him is very worrying. Whoever his training body is (if he even is genuinely training to be one), they need to know he's practising in this way.

erinaceus · 17/07/2017 02:19

Mamaka Goldenorb is not the only person who ended up outside their therapist's place of work.

One thing you could do is budget for a fixed number of sessions with a qualified professional who is local to you who could help you to process these feelings. Another thing you could do is wait. The feelings will probably fade. I am sorry that your therapist behaved unethically towards you. I am a strong advocate of psychotherapy generally but not in the circumstances that you are describing.

If you are able to find out who his training body is, you could tell them what had happened, in the interest of protecting his future clients.

erinaceus · 17/07/2017 02:19

*house I mean not place of work, although either can happen.

Original poster

Mamaka · 17/07/2017 08:27

After having slept on it again, and resisting messaging him all weekend, I can finally see what you're all saying. I've read up on the ethics of what he is doing and I've read up on transference. From what I've read, the feelings I have are totally normal and could even have benefitted me if I had a professional relationship with a good therapist who could help me to see the reasons for them. Unfortunately that isn't going to be able to happen with this guy because of the lack of boundaries, and that is to my detriment.
Well that's annoying...

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamaka · 17/07/2017 08:36

I am still listening to the playlist he made me though

OP posts:

erinaceus · 17/07/2017 08:49

Well that's annoying.

It is.

Take care of yourself. Do you have someone IRL you can talk to, who would be able to help you to process these feelings?

Kr1stina · 17/07/2017 08:50

Well done on not messaging him and on doing all your own research.

And well done for listening to all the good advice on this thread. It's very rare for everyone on a MN thread to agree, as you probably know.

The posters here are looking out for you, no one thinks you have been stupid, he's the one at fault not you.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 17/07/2017 11:45

He made you a playlist?

I'm guessing it's not a relaxation tape? Why would a therapist make you a play list? Sheesh.

Tell us what the songs are, go on, we'll help you get over him.

Original poster

Mamaka · 17/07/2017 19:23

Well he did make it after I told him I was having trouble sleeping...oh god I can't tell you the songs on it I'm cringing now!

OP posts:

erinaceus · 17/07/2017 19:56

The cringing goes with the territory. I am not sure that I would have found stealtheatingtunnocks's comments helpful when I was in a situation not that far off yours.

I recommend talking to someone IRL about what you have been through. You are not the first and you will not be the last. There are a lot of crap therapists out there, and psychotherapy in general is poorly regulated.

SafeToCross · 19/07/2017 17:23

I think you, on the other hand, have shown excellent boundaries and made a really good decision here. Hope you are ok, OP. Think this was a clever escape (not just lucky, because you spotted something was not right and have done your research).

PsychedelicSheep · 19/07/2017 17:34

I'm a therapist, been practicing 10 years in the NHS. No client has ever declared their love for me in all that time

It sounds to me like his training is bullshit, psychotherapy is not a protected term and you do find people using it after they've only done some crappy online course in NLP or other such rubbish.

I have no idea about other countries but in the U.K. no accredited course is done over distance learning, the course leaders need to observe your practice and you need to do supervised placements.

Go on, tell us what songs are on the playlist?

WingsofNylon · 20/07/2017 09:31

Oh dear. This is very unprofessional of him. I'm have been to a few therapist over my years and they certaily wouldn't text me just for chats or make me a playlist! At best he is an idiot at worst he I'd knowingly manipulated you. It will be hard but please step away. We can help you do it and you can find a real threapist.

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