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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In love with therapist/friend

65 replies

Mamaka · 15/07/2017 15:36

An acquaintance of mine who is studying psychotherapy offered, after I opened up to him once, to talk through some things with me - past issues from my childhood and also the current breakdown of my marriage. He's doing it for free (I wouldn't be able to afford this otherwise) and I'm finding it really useful but I've started to become a bit....obsessed with him. I think about him constantly and message him frequently, and have to hold back from messaging him much, much more. I fantasise about running off into the sunset with him. It's so cliche because of course a therapist is trained to be non judgemental and empathetic, ask all the right questions and listen attentively. But he's just so damn perfect and I feel so taken care of that I can't get him out of my head. I have this idea in my head that we would actually be ideal together, we have similar backgrounds and values and he's had fairly similar experiences to me. I know he's single and very soon I will be too.
Would I be completely batshit to say something to him?

OP posts:
UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 15/07/2017 17:28

I'm qualified as a therapist and was a member of BACP, although I no longer practice.

As others have mentioned this is highly unethical and your "friend" should be well aware of this.

Sorry OP Flowers

At worst I fear he may be using you as "practice". At best he is being woefully ignorant of boundaries and ethics. I would tell him how you feel about this and gauge his reaction. This therapeutic relationship is not healthy and will lead to harm on both sides if it continues in this wag.

A true friend who is a therapist would guide you to the BACP find a therapist website, where you can find someone properly qualified and who adheres to a code of ethics to help you.

GoldenOrb · 15/07/2017 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DancingLedge · 15/07/2017 18:41

At best, his intentions may be good, but his actions are unprofessional. Without appropriate supervision, he is not in a good position to deal with issues that may arise, like transference. Lots of texting , or indeed any, suggests he is ignoring important stuff about boundaries.
This may be unhelpful to you,- and it sounds like it is. It may be professionally dangerous for him.

It's great you've gained from talking to someone. Hang onto that, and seek similar help elsewhere.

ilovesooty · 15/07/2017 18:45

Agree with others. Absolutely unethical. I'd be willing to bet he hasn't told his training provider, let alone his supervisor.

Original poster
Mamaka · 15/07/2017 19:05

I'm really gutted about this. I predicted that the response might be to at least wait until the therapy had finished to tell him how I felt. But to hear with such unanimity that he is doing something unethical and has possibly even targeted me for some reason is so disappointing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamaka · 15/07/2017 19:07

I've googled transference and it's fairly clear to see that this is what's happening.

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 15/07/2017 19:16

Sorry the message must be hard to hear.Flowers
I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there's some sort of targeting the vunerable- the arrogance of inexperience can easily lead a new councillor or therapist to not fully realise how important supervision and boundaries are.

You've found help in talking to someone, and however impossible it might seem right now to find a different therapist, there are an awful lot of them in the world, online or face to face, you'll find the right one to continue with, sooner or later.

mrsRosaPimento · 15/07/2017 20:51

He knows you because you have told him about yourself. I said to my cbt guy that he was so calm and knew how to adapt situations to logical steps that could be dealt with and was really good at communicating, that he must be a great husband to his wife. He said no he wasn't because when they argued it was just like everyone else because he was heightened and felt emotion and didn't always follow the ideal way.
This is why your feelings aren't based on who this guy really is. Also if you are vulnerable you feel like your therapist is your saviour/hero because you want to be rescued.
You need to prove to yourself that you can do this by yourself. He isn't the right therapist or boyfriend. You need to get yourself straight before getting into a relationship.

Original poster
Mamaka · 16/07/2017 15:40

Well I've slept on it and I can't seem to get past the obsession, my fingers are itching to text him, I've come up with about 100 reasons for why I should contact him today, although I haven't. Maybe I could just have one last unhealthy fling with this guy before sorting my head out?! Is that insane?

OP posts:
Saiman · 16/07/2017 15:54

Yes it is.

You know he is either a shit therapist or someone quite sinister.

Either way he is taking advantage of you. And you want to have a fling?

thestamp · 16/07/2017 15:59

Christ alive this thread is scary. Op. He is a predator. Get this person OUT of your life. NO ONE is worth the risk of this situation.

Feelings by their very nature are temporary. If you wait them out they'll pass. You don't have to act on something just because you feel you should.

erinaceus · 16/07/2017 16:04

Mamaka Do you know where he is training?

houseinamess · 16/07/2017 16:04

Just reiterating what others have said. It is totally unethical behaviour on his part and breaks all the rules. I don't know where he trained but he should know better. Developing romantic feelings is par for the course, it is well known in the counselling world and this is why there should be no personal connection between client and therapist. Stop talking to him on a personal level right now and back off. It isn't going to do you any good.

houseinamess · 16/07/2017 16:05

Actually you need to report him to BACP. Straight away.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 16/07/2017 16:08

OP please don't do that. It will NOT end well.

In the absence of a proper therapist, please remember you can always call the Samaritans, free 24 hours a day to talk about how you feel and what's going on.

You don't have to be suicidal to call, you can talk to them about anything confidentially on 116 123.

It may help you to talk to an independent non judgmental person about what's been happening.

mummabubs · 16/07/2017 16:08

Just another voice to add here (I'm a psychologist, so not a psychotherapist but still deliver therapy as part of my role) this person has done something very unwise and unethical in offering you therapy whilst knowing you in another context. It will definitely have been covered as part of their training and frankly it's concerning that they haven't even qualified yet and are already breaching ethical practice codes. Qualified practitioners are struck off for behaviour like this. I'd honestly find yourself another therapist (and google transference as others have suggested for yourself maybe?) In behaving as he has this person hasn't acted as a good friend or a good therapist OP x

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 16/07/2017 16:09

And yes, I would also report him to the BACP.

Onedaysoooon · 16/07/2017 16:13

Are you absolutely sure he is training to be a psychotherapist? When you say it is distance learning, what do you mean?

I notice from your post you are not even single. Please look after yourself as this could get messy.

Original poster
Mamaka · 16/07/2017 16:17

Ok, point taken Sad
Sit on hands, let the feelings pass.
I can't get my head around the fact that he might be predatory. But I do take the point about breaching ethical practice codes.
He isn't a UK based psychotherapist (think BACP is UK only?) and didn't think to ask where he is training. I have been naive.

Should I be asking him certain questions about his training etc or should I just end the therapy sessions (don't want to)?

OP posts:
category12 · 16/07/2017 16:31

Of course you should end the sessions - he's not behaving ethically, for whatever reason. You need to be able to trust your therapist and you can't, because he's crossed professional lines. You don't want to give them up because of the transference and convenience.

erinaceus · 16/07/2017 16:40

Naïveté is not the issue here. His behaviour is not appropriate for a psychotherapist in training.

Are you based in the UK yourself?

Original poster
Mamaka · 16/07/2017 17:35

No I'm not in the UK. I feel stupid.

OP posts:
Saiman · 16/07/2017 17:45

Op you questioned earlier if you were vulnerable.

Clearly you are. People like him have a talent for picking out vulnerable people

Why would consider carrying on meeting him in any capacity?

houseinamess · 16/07/2017 17:49

If he isn't a member of a registered organisation like BACP or UKCP he hasn't been trained properly, isn't being supervised properly and has no idea about ethics clearly.

erinaceus · 16/07/2017 17:58

You have not been stupid. The person with whom you have been working has behaved unethically.