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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to end it this time don't I?

74 replies

Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2017 01:09

So after numerous threads about dh and his texting to v a woman at our stables. I wish I knew how to link my previous posts it seems to be happening again. Very basic background he was texting her I thought it was to much rows started he left marital home for a bit generally treated me and especially dd like shit. Mumsneters called it an emotional affair as he deleted their conversations i of course started to snoop found porn live web casts he insists was pop ups messages between him and some supposed lesbian arranging to meet for a drink between them that never happened
So he came back we try again been together 22 years married 17 dd had her gcse this year. After the initial we are going to make this better than before crap we settled into normal boring routine he was no longer in contact with v after a message from dd she ended that
Few months ago he was sending a WhatsApp video and I happened to see a deleted message from v not named as he had deleted her no. His excuse it was thanking him for something to do with the horses he thought by deleting the message it deleted everything I didn't believe him we had a tiff told him i would rather see an innocent message about horses than a deleted message it's the deleting and secrecy that has caused the damage to our marriage
Then dd got tagged in photos of them all walking the dogs nobody mentioned it to me we had a tiff
So we are plodding along bit boring busy with the kids etc the initial giving each other attention talking etc has gone but no problems then last night his phone was there i don't know what made me look at it as I haven't for months and low an behold in July she had a WhatsApp conversation with v which of course is deleted only this time she is listed as a contact.
Confronted him it was about horses and he deletes all his messages after he's read them so why is everyone else's message still there??
he dropped his phone and broke it said some horrible things I am taking all his money for our family holiday that he agreed to i am far worse than him because his friend sent me a dick pic which I told him about ffs I was dating his mate army lad and I hooked up with him at the same time ffs I was 17 at the time and am now 40 and dh Hassled me
I have never been unfaithful I made it clear us moving on was that he had no contact with v and we were open and honest no deleted messages he obviously can't do that obviously thought the dust had settled so I am back where I started from really aren't I ?
I won't put up with the deleting messages between them even if it's innocent so I have to follow through with divorce don't I ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2017 01:18

I am right back where we started from nearly a year ago deleting text secret calls
In his paddy last nights he's wrecked his phone he's not spoken to me all day except tonight am I going to sort out his phone tomorrow said in a sarcastic voice so he can continue his affair or should he get a new phone btw his phone contract is in my name. Lol

OP posts:
WeeMcBeastie · 15/07/2017 01:39

I remember your previous posts and agree that you do have to end it this time, if you don't then he'll just continue. He obviously doesn't respect you enough to cut contact with her and I'm sure you'll eventually find out that it is far more than just an emotional affair, if it wasn't then he'd find it easier to give up! Sorry you're going through this and divorce isn't easy but you deserve so much better and there are plenty of us on here who have been in your situation and come out the other side much happier.

SparklyMagpie · 15/07/2017 01:46

I've read your previous posts, you need to end it OP

thestamp · 15/07/2017 01:49

I remember you too.

I really think it's time to walk away. He's honestly just daring you to, at this stage. The relationship is over in all but name. Isn't it?

Beelzebop · 15/07/2017 01:51

I agree, it's time to finish it. For your own sake xx

Desmondo2016 · 15/07/2017 06:35

It sounds like he's emotionally checked out of the relationship and probably only staying because it's easier than rocking his comfy life and cushdy set up. You womt be realising the effect this is having on your self esteem. End it. He leaves. You'll wake up every morning and the black cloud you don't even realise was there will be gone.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2017 09:50

The ridiculous thing is that the message probably was about horses but it's the whole deleting it which annoys me that was the problem in the past. And he is still doing it despite everything we have been through. apparently this text was asking him to put bring her horse in for the farrier which it probably was but why delete and save her number.

OP posts:
NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 15/07/2017 10:02

If he's not deleting other messages and only hers I doubt very much it's just about horses.

AnyFucker · 15/07/2017 10:08

You should have brought this farce to a close months ago

IAmcuriousyellow · 15/07/2017 10:12

What Anyfucker said. I remember you too. I'm sorry he's still at it, and it's clear he isn't going to behave any better towards you now.

GelfBride · 15/07/2017 10:17

What do you WANT to do Alfie Can you see a future with him at all? He is unlikely to change as if he was serious about his marriage he would not in in touch with her at all. I would be done with this and be making plans for a future where I knew what was going on in my own life but until you are there and angry and cracking on I can see it must be difficult.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2017 10:20

No he's not deleting other messages. I wasn't checking his phone we were putting it all behind us and they weren't in contact. I understand she may contact him about her horse occasionally but why not leave the message there. When I happened a few months ago he bull shitted saying he thought deleting the message deleted her as he's not allowed her on his phone which is rubbish as everytime he opened WhatsApp he would see her but there had been no contact for a few months so I specifically said I would rather see the content of the message than him trying to hide it. He obviously hasn't listened as he has deleted this message so as far as I can see we are back to square one

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/07/2017 10:22

You never got past square one, Alfie.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2017 10:43

I just don't understand why he has put himself back in this position where I feel the need to see what he's up to we had been fine and I honestly don't know what made me look on his WhatsApp the other night he hadn't been behaving suspiciously or anything and I haven't looked for months

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/07/2017 11:05

Alfie, listen.

His need to be in sustained inappropriate contact with V trumps his respect for you. I doubt he has stopped in the intervening time.

When you finally accept this, you will be able to move on

But while you kerp trying to understand you will remain stuck. You will continue to accept every implausible excuse. You will keep sweeping it under the carpet. No doubt this time he will say he didn't tell you there had been contact because he "knew how you would react"

Which is the crux of it. He knows how it hurts and destabilises you...but he does it anyway.

WeeMcBeastie · 15/07/2017 11:08

Your gut instinct was telling you that something was wrong plus it's still not that long ago so you're bound to still be feeling a bit suspicious whether you're aware of it or not. He's feeding you a load of bullshit, nobody with the capability to use a mobile phone is that incompetent. If he really wanted to reassure you then he'd be showing you the messages and being open with you. Is there a reason why she can only message him about the horses and not you? If it was me I would be stipulating that she contacts you in future to avoid any reason for them to be in contact. As others have said, if you had told him that you wanted to be able to see the messages and he's still deleting them then they are definitely not about horses! There's only one reason he's deleting the messages!

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2017 11:39

I was tempted to message her and tell to delete his number she probably isn't aware he is secretive with there messages so decided against it. I have had in the past the I didn't tell u as u will overreact but this time he seems to be back to I don't tell u who u can talk to and dragged up his mate sending me a drunken dick pic which I never asked for as was completely honest with dh about it
So are we going to go full circle and have him sitting at his mums supposedly digging his heels in about being told who he can and can't be friends with lol
I am not putting myself or the kids through that again it's not fair

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2017 11:44

Even if he goes back to saying they won't be in contact that he won't delete messages he's broken the trust I had been working hard on rebuilding the last few months so I can't see any other option other than divorcing him at the moment

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 15/07/2017 12:24

Listen to AF. You have repeatedly had the same very good advice, but until you stop trying to understand why he does it, and stop making excuses, this nonsense will continue. It's draining reading it, let alone living it. Look after yourself.

jeaux90 · 15/07/2017 12:31

I think you will look like a lunatic asking her to not contact him when all they seem to do so message about horses or what they are up to.

ScrambledSmegs · 15/07/2017 12:42

It was time to end it the first time he treated you like this Sad. Your relationship has been in its death throes ever since. Clinging on like you have been is only serving to hurt you, no one else.

It takes two people to 'save' a relationship. You can't do it all on your own, and he won't.

AnyFucker · 15/07/2017 13:00

Don't try to appeal to her...that is beyond tragic

Your problem is your shifty husband.

skippy85 · 15/07/2017 13:37

Reading through, i believe it us time to leave. My dh has always been faithful. However he has ex from hell. 5 years into our relationship she will still msg him. He sees her name pop up on phone, he doesnt read the message, he passes it on to me to read. That is what ur DH couldve done. All i said to my dh was to never reply to her. Trust is a hard issue. I believe if you feel like you need to check his phone or if he feels the need to delete then there is something not right. Hope u are ok

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2017 23:01

Thanks everyone. I've been in work all day felt sick and drained going over it in my head. Work mad busy struggling to hold it together tonight to put the kids to bed which could be because iam exhaustion. I know I will break down in tears when they go to bed I gave us another chance why am I not good enough why is she so important to him it's not a life long friendship. He's gone to work without speaking to me again. I know what I need to do I gave him a chance by blocking her no I knew months ago he hadn't as she contacted him i kind of back down and insisted he didn't delete messages but yet again he has. He can promise all that all over again but I won't believe him not that I think he will but splitting up my family when nothing physical has gone on and no sexting she doesn't want him he says he doesn't want her is a massive thing for me to do. Hopefully I will feel stronger in the morning after a good nights sleep

OP posts:
Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2017 23:08

V has started talking to dd more at the yard asking her to ride her horse as it's getting fat and she can't ride at the moment she has even started saying hi to me. Told dd I didn't want to get involved but at nearly 16 I can't stop her explained to dh I didn't want dd to ride her horse as I want nothing to do with her and don't want her sneaking her way back in he said it was between dd and v he was staying out of it yet on the day dd was due to ride she didn't even speak to v because I was there not her dad and it was awkward I even told dd off for being rude as she had made a commitment to ride pfft

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