I have to end it this time don't I?

[Alfiemoon1]

So after numerous threads about dh and his texting to v a woman at our stables. I wish I knew how to link my previous posts it seems to be happening again. Very basic background he was texting her I thought it was to much rows started he left marital home for a bit generally treated me and especially dd like shit. Mumsneters called it an emotional affair as he deleted their conversations i of course started to snoop found porn live web casts he insists was pop ups messages between him and some supposed lesbian arranging to meet for a drink between them that never happened
So he came back we try again been together 22 years married 17 dd had her gcse this year. After the initial we are going to make this better than before crap we settled into normal boring routine he was no longer in contact with v after a message from dd she ended that
Few months ago he was sending a WhatsApp video and I happened to see a deleted message from v not named as he had deleted her no. His excuse it was thanking him for something to do with the horses he thought by deleting the message it deleted everything I didn't believe him we had a tiff told him i would rather see an innocent message about horses than a deleted message it's the deleting and secrecy that has caused the damage to our marriage
Then dd got tagged in photos of them all walking the dogs nobody mentioned it to me we had a tiff
So we are plodding along bit boring busy with the kids etc the initial giving each other attention talking etc has gone but no problems then last night his phone was there i don't know what made me look at it as I haven't for months and low an behold in July she had a WhatsApp conversation with v which of course is deleted only this time she is listed as a contact.
Confronted him it was about horses and he deletes all his messages after he's read them so why is everyone else's message still there??
he dropped his phone and broke it said some horrible things I am taking all his money for our family holiday that he agreed to i am far worse than him because his friend sent me a dick pic which I told him about ffs I was dating his mate army lad and I hooked up with him at the same time ffs I was 17 at the time and am now 40 and dh Hassled me
I have never been unfaithful I made it clear us moving on was that he had no contact with v and we were open and honest no deleted messages he obviously can't do that obviously thought the dust had settled so I am back where I started from really aren't I ?
I won't put up with the deleting messages between them even if it's innocent so I have to follow through with divorce don't I ?

Why can i rant away all night full of anger once the kids have gone to bed which stops me from sleeping but get up in the morning feeling shit like my life is over depressed wondering if iam making the decision etc etc

He sounds terribly guilty going back 22 years.

He comes across as a nightmare.

The messages were not innocent, you know this, don't rationalise this away
I am almost 100% sure that the phone was wrecked on purpose too,to stop you finding evidence of an affair
The changing passcodes thing as well is so typical of cheaters
They haven't been talking about horses, you know this , people with nothing to hide don't hide anything, don't be made a fool of

He genuinely dropped his phone and did it in front of me it was definitely accidental He hasn't changed his passcode for ages which is why I randomly looked not expecting to find anything the other night.

He's not blocked her on Facebook either like I requested but they aren't friends pfft

I am trying to keep things normal for the kids at the moment we are going on holiday in 3 weeks I am not cancelling as they are looking forward to it and it's paid for so we had some nice time as a family playing board games etc and it made me realise what we are losing but I won't put up with deleted text between them
He has a new phone being delivered tomorrow he isn't aware of it and I will be the one hopefully taking delivery of it as hopefully he won't be home from work am I completely mad for thinking of sticking some kind of tracking on it so I can see once and for all if the messages are just about horses ?

Alfie...
This marriage is over.
I think it's time to stop focusing on him. And start focusing on you.

Yes I think just leave his phone alone. Why stoop to such indignity? It's not proof you're looking for... It's him admitting things to you. And he doesn't want to admit anything so he simply won't.

The holiday is a really silly idea and you'll end up making yourself feel even worse going on it. But I suspect you won't be told.

Please start to let go. Stop trying to get him to be a good man.

I wouldn't like a tracker on my phone and how will he react if he finds out about it.

If you can get the tracker on, then do what you need to.

I have his new phone he isn't aware it's arrived. I've not done anything with it yet as still undecided
No I would like it on my phone but then I don't delete messages if I put it on I am hoping he wouldn't find out unless I confronted him about the content of a message
I know it sounds stupid but I don't want to throw everything away if these messages are just purely asking favours about horses

OP, I feel like the fact you are considering a tracker on his phone that your marriage is already over. Im sorry you are feeling like this. But no trust is a broken relationship. Hope you are ok

I understand that and I am mellowing about the tracking but still want to try and see his deleted messages I know it's crazy but we have been together so long i don't want to throw it all away if it is just messages about the horses

Did put a tracker on or read his deleted messages. Still trying to keep everything normal for the kids until we have had our holiday so being civil to him
V has sent me a friend request on Facebook which makes me think it is about horses I have also seen her messages to dd I don't think v is aware he is being shady and deleting her innocent messages. As he had no phone she text dd instead of him even saying she had tried me but I had blocked her number- farrier was coming again that morning
There contact is so infrequent it is likely it's purely about horses bringing in etc but after everything that's gone on I expect it to be out in the open and not deleted. It's like he's playing mind games in doing that. Generally he avoids confrontation he wants a quiet life so I just don't understand why he creates all this drama

Should read I didn't put a tracker on his phone

Last contact was 1 st July with her then again yesterday not looked if it's been deleted but saw on dd phone not snooping it came up when unplugging her phone which is when the farrier was due so surely if more was going on there would be more contact but why delete "can u bring my horse in". Why when I am having a wobbler about it not just say ok I don't get your issue but I will not delete the messages in future. I know he doesn't get my issues or why I feel the trust was broken because of his behaviour but why not accept that's how I feel and help me move on

Why don't u move horses to different yard or if she is a livery on your yard boot her off

Move yards !

It's a dd horse owned by my sister and the most suitable yard around dd can walk From school secure we get on great with the owners horse is settled etc so i can't move yards. Rumour is v is in winter as she wants full turnout which isn't available hope it's true. It's a perfect yard except for the fact dh who is totally into this horse ownership more than me has formed a friendship that is damaging our marriage

I am not moving yards it's perfect for dd we get on with everyone the millionaire owner loves us as a family we walk her dogs she took dd to prom in her posh car her dh has taken ds out for a spin in his car
She is very family orianted she sat with ds helping him with his home work
To everyone at the yard we are the perfect family
There is just one problem dh still insists on deleting messages from v

Jesus, this saga is so ridiculous. Alfiemoon I don't have the seemingly endless patience of other posters here, I'm afraid.

You don't trust him. He doesn't trust you. Is it a pun too far to describe your 'relationship' as flogging a dead horse?

Change the record. End it. Move on.

I found it helpful to write it all down reborn but won't post again sorry

Keep writing if it helps you. I'm reading and think you should just leave him, but I understand it can take a while to get to that stage. x

Thanks Lind I felt guilty for boring people. Maybe I should move this to mental health as it is driving me crazy lol. I don't know what I want. Maybe I want some kind of fight for us from him. Him to say ok this is affecting my marriage I love u it's not worth it so I will do xyz. But that's not going to happen. I have been ok with him as the kids are off and I determined they are going to enjoy our holiday. He's shown me no physical affection and not tried it in like he usually would so I am feeling even more unattractive and unloved. Not helped by the fact that we saw v at the yard in a low cut top showing off her new boobs. I shouldn't be evil she had a double mastectomy as breast cancer runs in her family and has had reconstructive surgery but they are bigger and perkier than before lol. I am also currently in pre holiday melt down mode things to do dc excited and bickering everyone saying I need this or want to do that and oh we go away Monday yet I am the only one doing anything as usual have asked dd a million times to get her stuff out but all she can do is tell me what I have to buy how she now wants her hair cut. pfft

Alfie mate I think it's done. I completely get what you mean about wanting some expression from your husband of prioritising his marriage, and it's just not happening. Something similar happened to me and caused me to question my faith in my marriage but i could not have got through it without absolute commitment to changed behaviour from my DH. This situation is eating at you and he's not bothered. I'm sorry. Hope you can salvage your holiday.