I have to end it this time don't I?

[Alfiemoon1]

So after numerous threads about dh and his texting to v a woman at our stables. I wish I knew how to link my previous posts it seems to be happening again. Very basic background he was texting her I thought it was to much rows started he left marital home for a bit generally treated me and especially dd like shit. Mumsneters called it an emotional affair as he deleted their conversations i of course started to snoop found porn live web casts he insists was pop ups messages between him and some supposed lesbian arranging to meet for a drink between them that never happened
So he came back we try again been together 22 years married 17 dd had her gcse this year. After the initial we are going to make this better than before crap we settled into normal boring routine he was no longer in contact with v after a message from dd she ended that
Few months ago he was sending a WhatsApp video and I happened to see a deleted message from v not named as he had deleted her no. His excuse it was thanking him for something to do with the horses he thought by deleting the message it deleted everything I didn't believe him we had a tiff told him i would rather see an innocent message about horses than a deleted message it's the deleting and secrecy that has caused the damage to our marriage
Then dd got tagged in photos of them all walking the dogs nobody mentioned it to me we had a tiff
So we are plodding along bit boring busy with the kids etc the initial giving each other attention talking etc has gone but no problems then last night his phone was there i don't know what made me look at it as I haven't for months and low an behold in July she had a WhatsApp conversation with v which of course is deleted only this time she is listed as a contact.
Confronted him it was about horses and he deletes all his messages after he's read them so why is everyone else's message still there??
he dropped his phone and broke it said some horrible things I am taking all his money for our family holiday that he agreed to i am far worse than him because his friend sent me a dick pic which I told him about ffs I was dating his mate army lad and I hooked up with him at the same time ffs I was 17 at the time and am now 40 and dh Hassled me
I have never been unfaithful I made it clear us moving on was that he had no contact with v and we were open and honest no deleted messages he obviously can't do that obviously thought the dust had settled so I am back where I started from really aren't I ?
I won't put up with the deleting messages between them even if it's innocent so I have to follow through with divorce don't I ?

We still haven't spoken I think he thinks if he avoids me it will all blow over which it won't we are due to go on holiday in 3 weeks and I can't even think about it

Hi Op,
I haven't seen your previous posts, but I really feel for you.

When someone is secretive about their messaging, it's enough to mess up your mental health. I know others would advise against this but as you cannot trust your husband I would talk to the lady at the stables.
I would explain how uncomfortable their messaging had made you feel, the upset it has caused at home and how it has affected your family. Then ask her outright what her intentions are.
She'll probably be mortified and completely cool off from your husband and she will feel very uncomfortable around your daughter.
She might think you're a nutcase.

Good.

I don't appreciate women who frequently text married men.

As for the online stuff, you can't stop your husband doing that and it's a miserable position to be in, trying to monitor him etc

You would probably be a lot happier moving on, it's very hard though, after all that time with him, even if you know it's the right thing to do xx

She is fully aware of the upset it caused in the past when he left the family home because of rows because of her she was texting me within 10 mins. She had a text off dd who accused her of splitting up our family which is when v decided to cut contact.
He was supposed to block her number obviously he hasn't as I have twice found they have been in contact which probably is about the horses but it's the deleting them again which I can't stand so basically I either repeat it all over again of snooping in his phone him chopping and changing passcodes or I call it a day. He can't make any promises to not contact her to not delete his messages as this time I won't believe him as that is what I thought he was doing that is what was agreed when we decided to try and make this work
So I feel I have no other option but to divorce him

Is what he's been up to grounds for divorce how would I word it as it's not been a physical affair

I would go for Unreasonable behaviour.

I remember your last thread. You have to end it and not back down again OP.

I've downloaded the petition obviously first point is his inappropriate relationship with v do I name her ?

you don't need to name her..

Examples of Unreasonable Behaviour can include;
Your spouse has formed an improper relationship with a woman whose identity is unknown.

Ok thanks quietly starting the ball rolling but still going on holiday as it's paid for and the kids are looking forward to it.

I wish I felt angry with him but I just feel numb and sad. Things have been so good between us so I thought we have been walking the owner of the yards 3 dogs which has paid for our holiday but spending that time together without the kids we've been going out more and our sex life has improved things were better than they had been for a long time even before v. So if I found a message purely about horses from her I probably wouldn't of been overly concerned but he deleted it and saved her number which raises the trust issue again. I know he won't offer to cut contact but even if he did I wouldn't believe him so I am left with no other choice but to divorce him

lol he's more concerned over his phone that he dropped accidentally weeks ago and dropped again while having a paddy over me finding his message to v. He's demanding I go through the insurance to get his another phone yet the excess is the same as buying out the contact that is in my name he can piss off lol

I would go for unreasonable behaviour. You have to have a few but they can be very silly things as well as the big issues. One of my reasons was a similar 'friendship' but I also used his poor personal hygiene as another. I googled examples and wording. Very few people divorce for adultery (even if it was going on) these days because it's very hard to prove. The reason makes no difference to the outcome anyway. Good luck.

Wasn't planning on going for adultry as no physical affair has gone on but for some strange reason naming the bitch who knew about me and was friends with dd seems more satisfactory why should she get away scot free but my issues are with dh not her she probably isn't aware he deletes their text and has been shady she used him to get her horse looked after she has form for this with teenage kids and other mid life crisis men she's just looking after herself not her fault dh fell for it and destroyed everything

I remember your other threads. I thought you should have LTB several threads ago. If he's deleting her messages then it's not about the bloody horses ffs. He knows he shouldn't be messaging her, he's not risking his marriage to talk about a fucking horse. He's a knob and you deserve some respect which this guy is incapable of or at least unwilling to give you.

Think it would be easier if he was shagging her all this it was a text over putting her horse out or i left u and the kids over rows because of horse arrangements that dd whose horse it is didn't want but v did just seems a ridiculous waste of 22 years together she doesn't even want him part of me wishes she did and this whole crazy thing was worth something

Thanks somekind I even thought about messaging v asking her to send me a copy of their message but saw sense and gained a little bit of self respect. Enough is enough we are done

Not slept barely eaten for days and struggling to cope today I feel sick keep heaving and just want to curl up and cry please tell me this will get easier

You are going to have to end it, this man will put you in a mental hospital he has repeatedly fucked with your trust, there is none left now, get rid, are you really that desperate to hang on to someone who acts this way, after being caught out before, Jesus, it will get better when you stop subjecting yourself to this shit treatment.

Does she need to contact him for business related to the horse?

Is there anyone else she can contact instead of him?

Is there a reason he didn't block her from contacting him last year?

Were you clear in stating the consequences of continued contact?

If you were clear, then at the very least you need to seperate.

It seems he doesn't believe that divorce is an option. Perhaps you actually filing for divorce will make him realise you're prepared to loose the marriage.

If you do file and if during the separation it appears the penny has dropped and he is absolutely remorseful and recognising what he's done, then maybe you could give it another chance..... But you really want to see him move mountains and prove himself before you agree to halt proceedings.

I'm quite an advocate of marriage and if there's a chance to save it, I tend to lean towards it, how you're entitled to say you've had enough and you're done.

Just my 2 cents.

She would have contacted him as we are usually at the yard at that time mid morning dd at school and most people at work and she needed her horse bringing in for the farrier. We are usually the only people there at that time. So if that is what the message was about then no problem
The problem is him deleting the conversation
We are no longer in an arrangement with her regarding turn outs bring in etc so they don't need to be in contact other than her asking a favour like mentioned above so why did he delete it ?
Not sure why he didn't block her number he did delete it as the time before she contacted him it was her picture with no name
Now he has obviously added her number as a contact although they are still not friends on Facebook
He doesn't like it when I snoop but what he doesn't get is that when he hides things it's makes me suspicious because of what has gone on in the past

Sandy I had to threaten to divorce him to get him to remove her off Facebook
It's ridiculous there is digging your heels in and behaving like a dick part of me wishes they were having an affair then all of this would make some sense but to be so pig headed over a new friendship is ridiculous

I remember you- yep this is it. You've got to end it- the trust has gone on your side and the respect has gone on his.

I also think your DH sounds like a creepy obsessed fucker who is desperate for any contact with the woman. Bleurgh.

Decided we are still going to have our family holiday despite him shouting at me I am blowing all his money on a holiday when I confronted him about the deleted message wtf I work as well and he was happy for me to book it. The kids are looking forward to it and it's only 3 weeks away and paid for. I am quietly filling out the divorce papers we still aren't speaking but as he works nights no atmosphere around the kids no arguments it's gone past that. I know I can do this physically on my own I have done with his hours and when he left not sure if I can financially but will contact tax credits.

He really scrapped the bottom of the barrel when I confronted him. He gave his excuse it was asking him to put her horse out no explanation why it was deleted but went on a rampage how i am so much worse than him because 22 years ago when I was 17 I was initially seeing his mate army guy and I got with dh. Army guy turned out to be engaged lol but through meeting him and his group of friends when he was posted away I hooked up with dh none of it was serious they even turned up together at the pub I worked at. Dh ranted he wasn't going to sit at his mums again he was going to quit work at not pay me or the kids a penny yet the next morning he was googling houses to rent in a nice part of town good luck with that one with no job lol
I was far worse than him because his drunken mate sent me a dick pic that I never asked for and told dh about
Then just random insults that iam a prick a fucking nightmare over and over again
We haven't spoken since
No explanation why he deleted the message everything turned on me
Pathetic

If I had stuck with army guy I would be laughing he sued the army for the sights he saw in Bosnia and won and is fucking minted now lol