In relationship is it normal to have access to your other half’s phone / laptop?

[catbasilio]

I keep seeing on MN how you freely use DH or DP or BF’s phone or laptop, know his passwords etc.

Long time ago I used to share one laptop with my ex H and that was normal. Later on my ex H got another laptop, put password on his phone and asked to respect his privacy… which I later found was for a reason (cheating & other inappropriate stuff that he didn’t want me to see).

Now that I have BF with whom I have major trust issued with, he offered for me to go through his email and phone to check the facts myself, however I am a bit reluctant. It just feels invading privacy even though he offered. I don’t feel comfortable taking up his offer. Or should I?

I could give my phone / laptop without an issue but no one has ever asked to check up on me mainly because I have never caused a reason to mistrust.

We don't actively go on each other's phone often but we know pass codes and if I need something from his (vice versa) it isn't an issue.

We use same laptop and computer.

The only thing he doesn't know is my personal email password, no real reason for him to know it as I don't use it often but I've had the email for years and just scared there could be something incriminating from before him I guess!

We don't 'go through' each others phones or tablets as such but we know each other's passwords and wouldn't think twice about borrowing, checking email, looking through photos etc. We also have all our payslip, tax, pension etc. paperwork in one big concertina file.

Contentious... in some relationships it's ok I think. Hubs and I used to be relaxed about this but less so these days. More him than me. I've snooped and actually the whole Pandora's Box thing bit me on the ass. My bad. But now I know something isn't quite right and I'll be monitoring

We share a laptop which has no password.

We both have password protected phones but know each other's codes. We don't 'use' each orher's per se but might for sat nav or to get a phone number - something like that.

We've never given the other a reason to be suspicious. My husband and I are both on our phone a lot but usually just playing games etc. No screen hiding or anything like that.

Computer isn't locked, or at least we don't ever log out, if we did it would be locked. The iPad is locked, we have the same lock number to our phones but we always ask to use the other person's phone if it's nearest, for checking weather or something. Never to go through each other's messages as there no reason to.

I wouldn't be immediately concerned if my partner had a passcode on their phone, nor even if i didn't know it. Everybody has a reasonable expectation of privacy.

The biggest giveaway of inappropriate behaviour/cheating is usually in the pattern of use. Do they take their phone everywhere with them? Do they hide it away when not in use? Are they on it all the time?

We both have own laptops, phones. We will use one or the other if its handier (say if we were looking up holiday options together), but I don't recall a time when either of us have used the other's item without them being there as well.

If I am driving and I need him to check something I will ask him to look on my phone for it/read a message for me, but otherwise no.

I think I know his laptop PIN, but I don't ever have a need to log onto his laptop. I changed mine - he might know it from seeing me use the machine, but same thing - no need.

Email accounts are none of each other's business.

I don't like all this being in each others pockets for everything, especially not when it is lauded as a sign of how much you trust each other(seems opposite to me!). It's perfectly normal to want to have boundaries and privacy, it's not a sign of anything nefarious!

I don't have a passcode on my phone or password on laptops. Boyfriend doesn't either.

We will each leave our phones at home and go out.

No trust issues whatsoever.

He doesn't have an email address either.

I have a passcode. I have work emails, they need to be private. I also am logged in to MN so access to my phone would be access to that. I am not having affairs with anyone.

I also assume my friends have trust in me that when they email me it won't be read by my husband.

We both have passcodes on phones (who doesn't!) but know each other's. I don't go on his laptop and he doesn't go on mine but not for any real reasons.

We don't use each other's gadgets. Weirdly I know Dhs passcodes, but I don't look, I'll unlock his phone to take a picture or phone a cab. The iPad so dd's can play a game.

He's never shown any interest in having my passwords.

However, my best f and her bf are in and out of each other's devices 🤷🏼‍♀️

We both have pass codes on our phones, we both know each other's passcodes.

We frequently leave our phones around the house...and both have notifications that pop up on the lock screen so any messages can be read (the first few lines anyway).

We'll sometimes use each other's phones if ours run out of battery or whatever.

We have seperate laptops though but again, often left unattended so can't imagine there's anything he's feeling the need to keep secret.

DH's phone is his work one, so I don't have his passcode - although if I need to use his phone for some reason I'd just ask for it (I often read out texts from his team when he's driving and send the reply for him). I don't know his laptop/email passwords but could probably have a good guess.

He's probably the same for me (although for my phone/iPad passcode he'd just have to ask the children ).

I've actually asked him to write down various passwords and keep them somewhere - although for a completely different reason (my DDad died recently and trying to log into things to check things and notify people etc was a nightmare, so DH and I are putting together lists of all logins etc that might be needed)

We don't have access to each other's phones...

Probably old fashioned etiquette based on the rule that you should never open post addressed to someone else.

I used to with my recent ExP
He though he was clever.
No he wasn't!!!
He was being unfaithful and I found out he was a porn addict and he was trying it on with any woman he could.
Total sleaze bag.
I shudder thinking about it all now.

If you want to have a look then do so.
I would first go into the settings and look at 'battery'
See where he spends most of his time and then check that out.
It could be whatsapp or messenger or texts or intenet or anything really.
But that will give you a feel for what he spends his time doing on his phone.
And if it's whatsapp and there are no messages then you know he's deleting etc....

If you don't want to, then don't.

I am concerned you say Now that I have BF with whom I have major trust issued with
Why is this?
Is it because of something he's done or is it your insecurities?

There is clearly no trust there, for whatever reason so this is not a healthy relationship if you are going to be checking up on him; it wouldn't even occur to me to do that.

We both have passcodes as have iPhones but I know his and could check if I wanted to. I don't think he knows mine as I change it often but I'd give him my code if he asked for it. Neither of us are particularly snoopy but I'd rather let a partner look if they felt the need to than have them feeling insecure.

I don't have the password to my DPs password to his phone, not because he's secretive with his phone, just I've never needed it, although I'm sure if I asked he would give me it.

Phone*

I'd find it very unhealthy in a relationship. If you don't trust someone, bin them off

We both have passwords on our laptops and phones, they came like that, I think it's standard. We have told each other our passwords but doubt if either can remember. I certainly can't remember his.

Never take our phones or ipads to bed, we both leave our phones on the chair in the living room. Don't take phones to the bathroom because that's just weird. No trust issues.

We both know each other's passwords/codes for everything, phones, iPads, computers. I do use them sometimes if I need something on the iMac, or use DH's phone if we are away etc., etc..

I let him use mine to correct any issues/settings/updates .

Works well.

We don't go through each others' phones but I borrow his and he uses mine now and then. There's no secrecy.

Me & dh both have passwords on our phones/laptops and we don't know each other's.

We have our own personal devices so wouldn't need to use each other's.

I've never felt the need to snoop
We aren't both always attached to our phones ( they don't come up to bed with us, we can both survive the day without checking our phones)
We have no trust issues