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Relationships

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Original poster

In relationship is it normal to have access to your other half’s phone / laptop?

72 replies

catbasilio · 14/07/2017 11:40

I keep seeing on MN how you freely use DH or DP or BF’s phone or laptop, know his passwords etc.

Long time ago I used to share one laptop with my ex H and that was normal. Later on my ex H got another laptop, put password on his phone and asked to respect his privacy… which I later found was for a reason (cheating & other inappropriate stuff that he didn’t want me to see).

Now that I have BF with whom I have major trust issued with, he offered for me to go through his email and phone to check the facts myself, however I am a bit reluctant. It just feels invading privacy even though he offered. I don’t feel comfortable taking up his offer. Or should I?

I could give my phone / laptop without an issue but no one has ever asked to check up on me mainly because I have never caused a reason to mistrust.

OP posts:

ChickenBhuna · 15/07/2017 21:05

We don't share a computer or know eachother's phone passcodes or email passwords. He's offered that information to me and is okay with me using his computer or tablet though. Thing is , I have my own tech so I'm happy not to.

I genuinely feel no need to know any of the above because everyone deserves privacy and I don't want him stumbling across an email about a surprise gift on any of my gadgets or I doing the same to him.

TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 15/07/2017 21:12

We have our own devices. DH has tried to show me how to unlock his phone many times, but I can't work it. Never go on his laptop or tablet.

He takes my phone to download pictures and will often use my laptop if it's easier/already out. That said, I don't think he'd ever look at my messages/emails etc

kmc1111 · 15/07/2017 21:35

I have passwords on all my devices. DH doesn't know them, nor I his. If DH really needed my computer I'd create a new account and let him use it then. If he needed my phone...unless we're talking an actual emergency, I wouldn't give him access.

I have nothing to hide personally. My workplace does and my clients do. I've signed all sorts of things saying I won't knowingly give anyone access to any devices that I access anything work related on. Apart from that, I have a lot of very personal conversations with friends via text and email, and while I'd be perfectly happy for my DH to read my side of that, what my friends choose to share with me stays with me.

DH would tell me his passwords if I ever asked, but frankly if I ever felt the need I think I'd just leave.

ShelaghTurner · 15/07/2017 21:42

I have a passcode because I use Apple Pay etc but DH knows it and I think his fingerprint is registered on it. He never touches my phone and I’d prefer he didn’t but if he did then it’s no big deal. He’s completely open with his phone and he’s currently using my MacBook as he has broken his laptop.

The only thing I’d say is that being glued to the phone is not a particular cause for alarm on its own. I never go anywhere without mine, but that’s because I’m totally addicted to it, not because I’m playing away.

MeltorPeltor · 15/07/2017 21:46

We have our own phones and laptops but know each other's passwords. It's just easier if we need to use one another's things. I wouldn't go through it though because I trust him and he me.

MaisyPops · 15/07/2017 21:51

We know each others phone pass codes because I've always had one and when DH saw sense he decided to use mine as he already knew it.

If I ever caught him going through my phone I would be furious.

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 15/07/2017 21:54

I'm on dps phone now

EggysMom · 15/07/2017 21:57

Our laptops only need a password on initial boot, they're not passworded on a day-to-day basis. Our phones do have a lock pattern but we both use the same pattern. If we wanted to look at each other''s laptop or phone, we could - but we don't feel that need.

BarchesterFlowers · 15/07/2017 21:57

We have registered each others fingerprints too, I don't always carry any tech with me and often leave my phone in my briefcase all night. Much easier to use DH's when we are out somewhere.

OnionKnight · 15/07/2017 21:58

We both have pass codes on our phones and my wife will use mine occasionally to take a picture or to check an email for me etc if we are out and about as it's easier due to my disability if I ask, we have our own computers and iPad, all password protected and we don't use each others. We have nothing to hide, it's just we believe that we are allowed a degree of privacy.

EnglandKeepMyBones · 15/07/2017 22:00

We have access to each other's phones/laptops etc. Know passwords for everything, and frequently use one another's phones/reply to texts etc. I don't actively check DHs stuff for anything and don't think he checks mine.

user1493413286 · 15/07/2017 22:03

We both have pass codes on our phones and know each other's for ease of things like texting for each other when one is driving and I know his password for his computer so I can use it but that's all on the basis that neither of would ever go through each other's phones or emails etc.
I wouldn't want him on my phone because what I say to my friends (including sometimes complaining about him) is private.

ChasingHighs · 15/07/2017 22:04

We leave our phonesaaand laptops lying round, No passcodes, but we don't ever look at each others phones. We are not one person and like our privacy to do our own things.

Sn0tnose · 15/07/2017 22:41

We use the same iPad and his emails are linked to that, so if I wanted to see them I could. I occasionally use his email account and the only time he asks me not to is when he's been doing on line shopping around birthdays and Christmas. His phone has a pin on it but I know what it is as I regularly use his phone (his is better than mine). He never looks at my phone but it's not locked and I leave it laying around so he could if he wanted. This is the first relationship where there are no trust issues and I have no interest in reading his texts or emails.

What has he done to make you mistrust him?

pinkgrin · 15/07/2017 23:57

We have our own devices and don't share them, or tell each other our passwords. We've never needed to use each other's phone/computer and I wouldn't want him looking through mine and I don't have any need to look through his. We have passwords/codes on all devices and we tend to have our phones with us (I use mine all the time) and don't leave them lying around. No trust issues or worries about affairs.

Tootsiepops · 16/07/2017 00:08

We each have an iPhone and iPad and we know each other's passcodes. I couldn't give a shit if my husband went through any of my devices I'm a boring old fart but I don't think he ever does.

Sometimes I flick through his phone if I'm bored enough and he doesn't care much either he's an even older boring fart

BackforGood · 16/07/2017 00:15

Although I have nothing to hide, and I really don't think dh has either, we don't use each other's laptops or phones in the same way we don't open each other's post or go in each other's purse / wallet.
When computers first became 'a thing' we shared one, but now there are gadgets all over the place, I can't see why either of us would need to, tbh.

OhOurBilly · 16/07/2017 00:23

We have the same password/code on every piece of technology (because I set it all up) so obviously know each others.

I do all the admin on both emails etc. I only get twitchy when he's on the computer because he is prone to downloading shite which I hate and he's unbelievably slow, it's easier for me to do it. We agree on this.

He is more than welcome to use my phone and vice versa. Frequently have each others bank cards and know both PIN codes.

He only ever Googles excersize techniques and diet plans. I online shop for baby clothes and use mumsnet, we are both incredibly boring.

MsAwesomeDragon · 16/07/2017 00:28

We know passwords for computers/laptops, but not phones. Not because we're particularly private or anything, just because we've got our own phones and have no need to use each others.

PenguinOfDoom · 16/07/2017 00:35

We know each other's passwords for phones, iPads, laptops etc, but we don't tend to look at each other's devices unless it's something like one of us is driving and a text comes through and he will often ask me to read it as it's likely to be work-related.

I would be annoyed if he started looking at my email or texts unasked, not because I have anything to hide, just that I value privacy and IMO, a partner doesn't automatically have the right to breach your privacy just because they are your partner. He would be fine with me looking at his phone or email, but he would think it was weird if I was snooping behind his back.

WifeyFish · 16/07/2017 08:29

I've never felt the need to know DP's passcode/login and vice versa although we're both quite open with each other and there have been times over the years where one of us has said "can you reply to X? My code is X" usually when the other is driving, but I've never committed the code to memory. I've even gone as far as dictating a work email to DP whilst on the move. And DP will sometimes ask to quickly use the internet on my phone if he's too lazy to go and get his from wherever he's left it.

Laptops are password protected (but that's more for if they got stolen) but we have no qualms about letting each other use them if it's closer at the time/has battery etc.

I'm sure if I asked to know DP's codes he'd tell me (actually he'd probably expect me to already know) but I can't imagine there ever being a time when I'd need to as if something felt off or wrong I'd just speak to him about it.

ginnystonic · 16/07/2017 08:33

We know passwords etc and have full access to everything. We never actively look on each other's devices, but will to look at a photo or check a text if the other's hands are tied at the moment.
We leave our phones charging together downstairs, so have free access if we wanted it, but I have never snooped on his phone.

WhooooAmI24601 · 16/07/2017 08:37

I presume DH knows my pass codes for the laptop. I presume he could access my online banking if he needed to. I also presume he wouldn't invade my privacy in that way, just as I'd not violate his.

We both have one another's thumb-prints on each other's iPhones and so do the DCs, more because of emergencies and being able to access help. DH and the DCs don't play with my phone, though, so it's pretty secure. I think I'd speak to him rather than snoop if I was worried about anything.

LuptoLego · 16/07/2017 08:44

DH used to go through my phone a lot. Looking for things... Obviously he never found anything but I now have a passcode on my phone and tablet which he doesn't know. I don't have anything to hide but I don't want him going through my phone spying on me. The trust has gone. On the other hand I know his phone passcode and can go on whenever I want. The difference is that I ahve never looked at his messages ect.

silkpyjamasallday · 16/07/2017 08:45

DP and I know each other's passwords for everything both physical objects and online accounts. I would be concerned if a partner didn't want me using their phone/iPad/laptop or whatever to be honest because I would wonder what they were hiding. My ex always guarded his phone, and he was constantly cheating so more fool me for not insisting I looked through his phone.

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