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Relationships

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Original poster

In relationship is it normal to have access to your other half’s phone / laptop?

72 replies

catbasilio · 14/07/2017 11:40

I keep seeing on MN how you freely use DH or DP or BF’s phone or laptop, know his passwords etc.

Long time ago I used to share one laptop with my ex H and that was normal. Later on my ex H got another laptop, put password on his phone and asked to respect his privacy… which I later found was for a reason (cheating & other inappropriate stuff that he didn’t want me to see).

Now that I have BF with whom I have major trust issued with, he offered for me to go through his email and phone to check the facts myself, however I am a bit reluctant. It just feels invading privacy even though he offered. I don’t feel comfortable taking up his offer. Or should I?

I could give my phone / laptop without an issue but no one has ever asked to check up on me mainly because I have never caused a reason to mistrust.

OP posts:

emesis · 16/07/2017 08:59

We know each other's phone pass codes but not laptop passwords.

We are quite independent people, we much prefer it that way. We both basically trust each other not to have anything going on that would require snooping I think.

Notreallyarsed · 16/07/2017 09:01

We know each other's pass codes (they're the same) for phones and share a computer that doesn't have a password. But we've never been through each other's phones.

christinarossetti · 16/07/2017 09:09

We don't go out of our way to use each others phones etc, but we can and do. I needed him to access something from my hard drive when I was at work recently, and didn't think twice about giving him my password. Would work the other way round.

InfiniteCurve · 16/07/2017 09:12

My phone isn't password protected,and DH knows my PC password ( as do the DCs!)
But the fact that he could access them if he wanted to - I don't look on that as having free access,and I wouldn't expect or be happy for him to look,any more than I would expect him to open my post.
There is nothing there important that I am hiding from him,but it's my private life,I expect to be able to message or email my friends,for example,without that being public and open to anyone else reading.
And if he did look regularly at either I'd be seriously cross. (even though I'd tell him what I was chatting about if he asked.)

Oldrockman · 16/07/2017 09:18

Totally open, have nothing to hide so no need for passwords etc except where the device says you have to get one. That being said we don't look, don't feel the need I think as its all open so. The only time we are a bit secretive and don't allow ea other to see is birthdays and so on and then its Amazon and so on.

nomoreheroesanymore · 16/07/2017 10:28

It's a tricky one. I know OH's password and he knows mine - but we don't look through each other's phones.

TBH I'd be annoyed if he read my messages. I often message friends about things that he doesn't need to know about - a couple are going through divorces and will often confide things they wouldn't want anyone to know. I don't feel he has the right to this information.

Spudlet · 16/07/2017 10:37

I don't know the password to DHs work laptop (he didn't know mine either) but we both know the codes of each other's phones and both our emails are synced to the iPad. I wouldn't read his email though, and we ask before we borrow one another's phones.

usernameavailable · 16/07/2017 12:13

If my DP is going work and His battery is low, he will leave his phone at home so I can charge it/use it and he will take mine out. Only rule with that is we are not allowed to play games on each others phone. Many people find this strange. But we literally have nothing to hide. I am sure he has private msgs on there with his mates i certainly do between me and my bestie. However I know he isn't searching. I love our trust.

AceholeRimmer · 16/07/2017 13:38

We know each others passwords but don't feel the need to look through anything.

mydietstartsmonday · 16/07/2017 13:46

We share a laptop and tablet. We have access to each other's phones but don't bother too much and we read each other's emails.
If one of us wanted to cheat I would be better at hiding it.
We have no secrets and little privacy but it works for us,

ShotsFired · 17/07/2017 10:09

@usernameavailable If my DP is going work and His battery is low, he will leave his phone at home so I can charge it/use it and he will take mine out. Only rule with that is we are not allowed to play games on each others phone. Many people find this strange. But we literally have nothing to hide.

It's not a question of "nothing to hide" though? It's about perfectly normal levels of personal space and agency.

And in this case particularly, it'd be annoying to phone you and keep getting MrUser instead! Why can't he manage to keep his own phone charge instead of relying on you to sort it out for him (that is what would piss me off most I think)

BarbedBloom · 17/07/2017 10:22

We share a laptop. We use fingerprint unlock for our phones and both of us have our prints set to open the others phone. We are both pretty relaxed about this stuff.

I wouldn't mind a partner who wanted privacy from the start of a relationship, but if their attitude suddenly changed and they changed passwords on everything then I am afraid I would be suspicious.

justgivemethepinot · 17/07/2017 10:35

We share laptop and know each other's phone password, bank card PINs and even open each other's post sometimes.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/07/2017 10:39

We don't have access to each other's phones..

Probably old fashioned etiquette based on the rule that you should never open post addressed to someone else

Same here, just basic magnets not to ferret around in other people's property imo.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/07/2017 10:39

**manners

Greypaw · 17/07/2017 10:55

I have a strong reaction to this kind of thing because I was in a coercive control relationship where my exH felt he had the right to see everything I was doing online. He used to know my passwords, but I changed them when I learned he regularly logged on to read my emails etc. After I changed passwords, he installed key loggers on my devices so he could learn my new passwords and download my emails and messages on his own devices.

When I was with a dv outreach worker, she told me it was as unacceptable for him to pick up my phone and go through my messages as it would be for her to pick up my phone and go through my messages. That they're mine, not his. That just because we're married it doesn't mean there are no boundaries when it comes to privacy.

Now it's a massive boundary for me. New DH and I know each others phone passwords but neither of us snoop. I don't know his laptop password and he doesn't know mine. It would be a major trust violation and a total deal breaker if I found he'd gone through my things, after the things I went through with exH.

RedStripeIassie · 17/07/2017 11:17

We know the passwords to each other's but don't go through them. He has my FB and used to have my email on apps on his phone. I changed email when we split up for a bit but couldn't be arsed with FB.

I'm tempted to snoop through but wouldn't dare do it. I don't think he'd go through mine either. Mutual respect.

nomoreheroesanymore · 17/07/2017 18:28

This has hit the nail on the head for me. I don't hold with the 'nothing to hide' thing. I do have things I don't want him seeing - messages to friends / from friends.

If 'nothing to hide' means 'I'm not having an affair', well then that's true. I'm not having an affair. But I would be pretty pissed off if he rifled through my phone and read messages to / from my friends / family etc. It's not his right to do that.

Thankfully he doesn't. He trusts me.

I'd certainly never go through his phone either. I'd consider it a real violation.

topcat2014 · 17/07/2017 18:36

Like others on here (the older ones..) we started out with one computer in the house - don't even think it had a password. We had one email address.

Gradually moved to better phones.
Now have various aged laptops around the place.

Not really a 'mine and yours' in our case.

There is probably a difference between our age group (45) and younger MNers who already had very separate devices before meeting etc.

The 'nothing to hide' rule was quite prevalent in Eastern Germany if I recall..

NotJessica · 17/07/2017 18:43

We know each other's phone and main email account passwords. We use each other's phones but just for sat nav, uber etc.

He once asked me to go through his messages as he was driving and wanted to check the address - they were SO boring 😂

We don't know work/secondary emails but are each other's emergency/inactive account contacts (so if I pop my clogs and don't use the account for 3 months he'll get the password etc.)

I'd be a bit surprised of he wanted to look at my messages and have no interest in seeing his

Crumbs1 · 17/07/2017 18:47

We don't because we don't need to. His phones and laptop require a thumbprint to unlock them. If I ask he'll unlock them for me to use but I only need him to do so if I want a phone number/email address etc or if he has better reception. I might look in his diary as he'd check mine if we were booking something for both of us.

usernameavailable · 17/07/2017 19:19

@ShotsFired I get that, but the hours he works nobody would be phoning me. Also, our phones aren't particularly a massive thing in our lives. I ask people to only call for real reasons. Not just for a natter as I have 3 kids and prefer to spend time with them rather than be glued to phone. My mates are the same with 3 or more children so we tend to text. It can take me hours to know that somebody has text me. Also, my phone is off or on silent...so my friends are prob happy that he answers my phone. At least he will pass the message on if not urgent.

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