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Original poster

Accepting the male 'need' to look

53 replies

MrsDoylesTeaParty · 14/07/2017 08:15

Does anyone else have an internal conflict with their husband/partner looking at and appreciating naked women and hating him doing it, but believing that it is just biology.. all or most males of all species are obsessed with the female. I feel like it's just pointless to be bothered about it as it is what it is, but then I really don't like it.. I have had c-sections and definitely have a damaged body at the moment but he's looking at pictures of young unblemished bodies. But I was bothered by it when I had a good body and lots of confidence.

I've not said anything and I don't want to control him or stop him, I just sometimes feel that I'd like to be single forever and not have to worry about what men get up to.. and just have casual encounters when I feel it and not be emotionally invested.

I was reading a reddit question yesterday "what do men wish women knew about them?" and lots of answers were about how they can't control the urge to look.

If that's how men are then I accept it, I just don't want to be exposed to it. I'm only 32 but it makes me feel past it, and will only get worse as I age.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 14/07/2017 08:29

What naked women?

Women on advertising posters?
Women in porn magazines?
Women on online porn?
Women in his bedroom when you're not there?

Original poster
MrsDoylesTeaParty · 14/07/2017 08:32

Sorry, women on reddit who post naked pictures of themselves for upvotes.

OP posts:
ToneDeafHamster · 14/07/2017 08:37

No, because my DH doesn't do that. I would find it hugely disrespectful and would question my marriage. Likewise I do not trawl the internet for naked blokes.

The excuse that men 'need' to look is bollocks. Its just pure and simple misogyny and disrespect for women.

Its so tiresome that men paint themselves as such weak individuals, beholden to their primal urges. Thankfully, there are more evolved men out there, you just need to raise your standards.

FlyingElbows · 14/07/2017 08:37

Op what you're describing is your own insecurity. Sweeping generalisations about either sex are not helpful to anyone. The urge to "look" is human, not specifically male. You very rarely read posts criticising women for drooling over men or blaming them for male insecurity.

If you feel "past it" at 32 then you need to be looking at the wider social influences which tell you that. There are many of them and they've all contributed to that low self esteem you're blaming half the species for.

ShatnersWig · 14/07/2017 08:43

I'm with Elbows

Some men do this. Some men don't.

But then some women do this and some women don't. Women have gone to see strippers (remember the Chippendales were a major thing well over a decade ago). Women stare at fit blokes with the shirts off on building sites, in the parks, on TV, in film.

If you don't like it, you are perfectly within your rights to say so and choose to be with a partner who doesn't look at naked images.

AceholeRimmer · 14/07/2017 08:49

I don't feel past it generally, just in this case. And I don't blame half the species, if they can't help it then I just need to accept it.. I don't blame anyone for something that comes naturally to them. It would never occur to me to look at naked men.
I already mentioned I felt the same when I was slim and confident so it's not my self esteem.

He's a great man in every other way and I was one of those who really didn't think he looked at things like that, so it's a case of "well even HE does it".

I'm being daft I think!

ShatnersWig · 14/07/2017 08:52

Name change?

AceholeRimmer · 14/07/2017 08:52

That's the thing Shatners, I don't want to be with any other man as chances are they would do this too as it's such a natural urge apparently.. And I love DP so just need to get over it I think.

AceholeRimmer · 14/07/2017 08:52

Oops! Yep Blush Ahh well!

RoseOfSharyn · 14/07/2017 08:53

Seems to be a lot of Reddit related questions today.

HandbagCrazy · 14/07/2017 08:56

I think there's a big difference in looking as in noticing pretty / beautiful people when they are in your eyeline and deliberately searching for pictures to look at.

I notice when people are good looking (both men and women) if they're around me / in the tv show I'm watching / magazine I'm reading. I'm sure DH does the same.

What we don't do is stare when people walk passed us or trawl websites to find photos to stare at.

Men having to look is absolute bollocks and you know it is. Men are like women, they need food, water and air. They don't need to perv on photos on websites anymore that I need a million pairs of shoes. It's sexist nonsense that has somehow ended up with you feeling crap. Tell him to pack it in.

Spam88 · 14/07/2017 08:57

He intentionally seeks out images of naked women on Reddit? I would absolutely not tolerate this from my DH. Completely ridiculous to suggest it's an uncontrollable urge.

Celticlassie · 14/07/2017 09:01

If you're not comfortable with him looking at pictures of naked women and you've just had his baby, then he should not be bloody doing it. He's being incredibly disrespectful to you. And claims that men have to look is disrespectful to all men. Any urges he has to perv at naked women are just that - urges, and as a grown man, with as far as we know, no asn, he should be well able to control these urges.

And 'naked pictures for upvotes'? Wtf?

AceholeRimmer · 14/07/2017 09:03

I posted on the other reddit thread and started this as I feel similar to the OP.

Are we all being fed lies then about the need to look? What about all the biology stuff that's everywhere.. Men needing to spread the seed.. the amount of males who cheat and use prostitutes since the dawn of time, the amount of harrassment from men, all the men using porn, the desperate urge to empty their balls otherwise they'll explode. Doesn't it all boil down to this 'need'? I would love to believe otherwise but don't want to be in denial!

VikingVolva · 14/07/2017 09:04

I'd say the urge to look is human (both sexes) and occurs spontaneously when someone attractive is in your vicinity.

It does not cover deliberately seeking out images. Which can be controlled. And which of course means some choose deliberately to do this.

Original poster
MrsDoylesTeaParty · 14/07/2017 09:05

Sorry keep forgetting to namechange on the app Blush
He doesn't seek them out as in search for them but views them when he comes across them in the main feed.

Yes there are thousands of young women posting pictures and gifs of their nakedness so they can be rated and commented on. I am on reddit too and there are no men posting to be rated..

OP posts:
FritzDonovan · 14/07/2017 09:12

I was reading a reddit question yesterday "what do men wish women knew about them?" and lots of answers were about how they can't control the urge to look.
That is so much bullshit and it makes me fume that we are meant to accept it as a biological fact. Your eye might be caught by something, but if you really cannot control the urge to hunt out this stuff, I think you need therapy. Or neutering.

5moreminutes · 14/07/2017 09:17

Someone's feeding you absolute nonsense and you are desperate to believe it so as to convince yourself your own DH is "the best of a bad lot" or similar.

There is pretty much nothing that "all" men (or "all" women) do.

Some men have used prostitutes etc. since the dark ages - and there have always been plenty who haven't. Way back when I did my sociology A level they told us 10% of men use a prostitute at some point. That's horrifyingly high as a percentage - but it doesn't justify some "men can't help it" nonsense, as clearly 90% of men don't do it!

Men are not primitive beasts unable to resist their animal urges any more than women are. Somebody (presumably your DH?) wants you to believe it to give him licence to do whatever he wants and have you still believe he's great and just can't help it because he has a penis.

MattBerrysHair · 14/07/2017 09:18

Women like looking at attractive people too. Unfortunately we have been taught that a man's urge to look is greater than a woman's, which is a load of bollocks, and from to this a whole multi-million pound industry has erupted. Some men make a show of looking as though it proves their virility and masculinity, crowing about the 'hot bird' on the other side of the street to their equally masculine mates. Women have learned to be discrete and employ their peripheral vision upon noticing a handsome young man, stifling the urge to express their desire to 'give him one'.

Seriously though, OP, it's about respecting people whatever their gender, whether you're in a relationship, or have noticed someone walking past etc. A decent person thinks about how their behaviour will impact on another and chooses to be respectful of that person's feelings. People who openly lear at others in public do not do this. People who look at porn despite knowing their partners see it as a deal breaker do not do this.

This 'men are from mars' notion is a load of crap.

wherearemymarbles · 14/07/2017 09:26

I think it stems from the fact that generally men become easily sexually aroused by visual stimuli - a naked women in front of them is as much foreplay as they need!!!

On the other hand women tend not to be aroused by pictures of naked men so have no desire to look at them.

It comes down to the choice of the male if he wants to look or not. A lot dont and would repsect their partner / exploitation of women. But that said i would hazard a guess that 95% of heterosexual men would be arosed by pornographic images of women.

Ellisandra · 14/07/2017 09:26

I'm in my late 40s with a fair number of boyfriends behind me, and an ex husband and two further cohabiting partners.

None of them have systematically stared at other women.

And the husband I ditched for shagging prostitutes is included in that!

I daresay someone has caught their eye in the past, momentarily. Happens to me too. Nana second. If you're with someone who is noticeably and actively eyeing up other women, you're with a dickhead.

Thephoneywar · 14/07/2017 09:28

I think it boils down to some people, mostly other women it seems, have massive hang ups about sex, nudity and arousal.

Why is it OK for me to look at pics of amazingly decorated houses, or amazing looking food or funny pics of people falling over etc but I can't look at pics of men with their willys out or women with their books out.

To me it's a weird arbitrary line that boils down to lack of self esteem and jealousy.

reetgood · 14/07/2017 09:30

I don't have a problem with my partner looking at pictures, but you do and he's ignoring your wishes. I totally agree with what @mattberryshair says re we all have the urge to look (studies show women have physical arousal looking at nudie pictures of attractive men/women). But this is like perusing the little woods catalogue to get your kicks.. it seems pretty pointless for the upset it's causing. I wonder if there's a way you can find a compromise. Perhaps explain that you like looking too, but right now you're feeling at a vulnerable point and it would mean a lot if he backed off the Reddit rating. I am probably being completely unrealistic but is there a chance you can spend some time together being you first, not parents first? Even if it's just at home?

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/07/2017 09:33

Are you the one uploaded your boobs on gone wild on reddit to reach your husband a lesson because he was looking on that sub?

AceholeRimmer · 14/07/2017 09:41

No but I posted on that thread!
Thanks everyone, you've been helpful :)
I have no hangups about sex, easily aroused and we're actually having more sex since baby number 2 as I don't want to fall into that easy pattern of always being too tired.

He doesn't look at women out and about, or seek these images out online, he's not one of those dog on heat leery types.. just clicks on them when he comes across them. It just feels shit when I've ruined my body for his children.
I will have a chat with him.

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