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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

5 months after discovery

73 replies

tryingtogetthroughit101 · 13/07/2017 11:56

I am at 5 months after discovery!!! i found a card in his bag from HER with a hashtag that I searched on his computer which led to me finding pictures, texts and videos of them together having sex. It tore me apart as we have been married 12 years and have 3 children. We had been having sex on a weekly basis and it turned out he had unprotected sex everytime with HER then unprotected sex with me. I had an infection before christmas with dr said was an STI bacterial infection but he denied it when I asked if he had cheated on me. He works away from home during the week so it seemed he was having her during the week and me at weekends. The affair lasted 5 months, she was only just married 6 weeks when she first had sex with my husband on a work trip to Paris, she was also much younger, 25 at time of affair, she is now 26, my husband was 37 now 38. I struggle with the fact he could to have a passionate affair and excitement when I was at home with his children, then he had the brass neck to tell me he was in love with her and wanted to move to be closer to her before the week i discovered and he changed his mind and decided to stay with me for the children...this fucking hurt. After the last few months he now says he loves me and ust lost his way, and forgot me but is never wanting to forget me again and wants us to move forward together. I am totally obsessed with HER though, and I continually have triggers daily when I see a car similar to hers in the pictures, when I see rabbits, as she had a rabbit, when i hear or she her name, its driving me mad as i just want to erase it from my mind. But everyday I find myself googling her, facebook checking her, then the worst bit, watching the videos I kept as insurance if i decided to divorce him. When does this part go??? Im devastated but divorce is not an option.

OP posts:
lorelairoryemily · 13/07/2017 11:59

Didn't want to read and run, I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice, I'm sure someone who can will be along soon, I think I'd be exactly the same in your position, I have no idea how is put her out of my headFlowers

lorelairoryemily · 13/07/2017 12:00

One thing though, if you're certain divorce is not an option delete the video, don't torture yourself watching it, that must be horrendous

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 12:00

Divorce is always an option, for me I'd never get past this, he was having an affair, working away, probably not the first either; he thinks it's ok as long as you don't find out, he thinks it's ok to put your sexual health at risk, sounds like he gave you an STI; I have no idea why you think you deserve such a disgusting sorry excuse for a man but each to their own; your anger should be aimed at him and I'd bet it would soon disperse in time once you got rid; you will NEVER be able to trust this rat every again, I'd rather be on my own than putting up with a man that works away and cheats at the same time.

Sex videos, he's actually got no limit has he, god knows what else he's been doing.

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 12:05

Wow. What a selfish lying fuck he is. I feel so bad for you. This must hurt beyond words. You are checking on her for various reasons; you want to know what it is about her that lead him to put his family on the line for her. Why is divorce not an option?

Ecclesiastes · 13/07/2017 12:10

Divorce is always an option.

Sometimes divorce is the only option.

Angeldt · 13/07/2017 12:12

He told you be wanted to stay with you because of the children. To be honest that's a man that wants his home and creature comforts. The ow is fairly newly married and I guess would not want your husband full time so it's an easy option for him to stay put. Personally I would be happy with that.

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 12:13

The deceit, compromising your health like that... that kind of behaviour is unforgivable in my eyes.

user9425 · 13/07/2017 12:14

Omg OP I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine the pain and hurt you are feeling. Some men are absolute fucking bastards. You'd think after 12 years and 3 children that he'd be secure and happy and not do the unthinkable but, sadly no one can be complacent. I understand that at the moment you can't imagine life without him, even if you dislike him, but I think in the long run you would be happier and sleep more soundly knowing that you don't have to worry anymore about it happening again or the images torturing you forever. Time is a great healer. Be kind to yourself. Delete the videos or hide the files somewhere difficult to access. Join a gym, get fit or throw yourself into some new hobby and occupy your mind with something positive while you get over this. You will soon come to a rational decision and each day will get easier. Good luck

Stardustandicecream · 13/07/2017 12:17

Divorce is an option - you didn't choose it - he's forced it on you. There isn't anyway you can continue the marriage like this. You are too hurt and can't move past it - and for good reason.

wherearemymarbles · 13/07/2017 12:18

Divorce must always be an option. And whats to say he got the sti from her?

I doubt he was lost, just having a bit on the side which he didn't expect you to find out about. You were the comfy pair of slippers, she was the hard edged trainers.

Dont watch the videos, no good can come of it!

Original poster
tryingtogetthroughit101 · 13/07/2017 12:20

feel like such a loser for feeling able to divorce him, but i still love him and desperately want this to be his wake up call, also I would not be in a financial position to leave, the children adore him the youngest is only 3. another awful reason i have for not wanting to leave him is im feeling very low on self esteem and just cant imagine going through dating again, im only 37, and even though im not a model I was a professional ballet dancer then dance teacher so i have always kept myself fit. I do not make new friends easily and my friends are not close by as have moved to different countries throughout the years. I keep looking at her and comparing myself, and yes you are right it is a way of seeing what she had that i dont have which attracted him to her. We have been in telephone relate counselling as were i live a lot of people know of me and my career so we decided best to be anon but i felt it made it worse for me as i had to keep hearing he thought he loved her and wanted to be with her and the only reason for staying was the kids, then why continue to have sex with me every week???? I feel so bloody foolish, and i would have been the first to say LEAVE before this happened to me, but when it happens to you things are not as black and white. All the self help books refer to it taking 2 years for a couple to recover. Im at 5 months and am praying these dark thoughts pass sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 13/07/2017 12:24

Sex on a plate, he's taking what's on offer.

Your dark thoughts would be less pronounced if he was not sharing your home and continuing to have his home comforts, sounds like he's had zero consequence and if he continues to work away he will continue to cheat and put your mental state in jeopardy as well as your sexual health; he will just hide it better.

Original poster
tryingtogetthroughit101 · 13/07/2017 12:26

*unable to divorce him that first line should read!

OP posts:
Trickycat · 13/07/2017 12:29

His wake-up call would be you telling him to sling his hook.
Your self esteem already sounds shot, you may find it increasing when he is gone. And he is financially responsible for his kids.

wherearemymarbles · 13/07/2017 12:34

Thing is men dont need to be in love with someone to have sex with them, even in a relationship.

Which is why seperation can come as a bolt out of the blue for a woman as everything, including sex appears normal. If a woman falls out of love with a man, sex is probably the first thing to go.

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 12:38

Some men where, a lot of men have too much respect for their wife to cheat.

Original poster
tryingtogetthroughit101 · 13/07/2017 12:41

has anyone gone through anything similar and has come out the other end happy??? My head is such a mess, cant concentrate on anything, and I put on a brave face everyday for the kids sake but cry uncontrollable in the bathroom, I have had some serious meltdowns too when I have contacted HER, only last week I had a meltdown as my husband wanted to take me out for dinner and suggested Nandos (which i actually love and we are trying to save money at the min to pay off credit cards etc) but i went completely off on one as he took her to top restaurants and planned exciting events for them to do and bought her expensive and thoughtful gifts. I just really need to know if there is any hope at the end of the tunnel?

OP posts:
wherearemymarbles · 13/07/2017 12:49

Andora, i had meant to add a caveat!!! , for sure its not all men but it is more likely a man would do it than a woman.

wherearemymarbles · 13/07/2017 12:50

And not talking about cheating as such

Trickycat · 13/07/2017 12:54

You'll get a mixed bag of responses to that question. Many couples split and some stay together but it is hard work and not easy to rebuild trust. You have to do what is right for you.

Surviving Infidelity is a website that might help. Personally I prefer Chumplady who is anti reconciliation and is more about rebuilding the betrayed person's belief in themself.

You have every right to be angry and hurt. But don't Google her or watch those videos, you are torturing yourself.

TheLegendOfBeans · 13/07/2017 13:01

The bald reality is this;

If you don't want to/can't terminate the marriage then you absolutely categorically have to find a way to keep your sanity and repair your own poor shattered brain in other to achieve what you want and that is staying with "D"H.

I know you've mentioned telephone counselling etc but I would get face to face therapy if you can in the next town/nearest city and get the support you need to find the mental tools to process this shock.

Personally I think that when the trust in a relationship is fully broken and gone (rather than dented) then the relationship is irretrievable. BUT the other reality is that this doesn't necessarily equate to a split. What you end up with is a disjointed relationship where both parties are strangers "staying together for the kids" or basically turn into sworn enemies with resentment spilling all over the place. Your posts indicate the latter is the direction your relationship is heading and trust me when I say your children will be adversely affected if such behaviour continues.

I'm not going to say anything about your "D"H's behaviour. You're not asking what we think about him or his affair. Your opening post is about how you can cope.

So for the sake of your children, go and see a therapist.

And I'm sending you an unmumsnetty hug x

I admire your tenacity,

magoria · 13/07/2017 13:02

You are saving and going with out to probably pay for the expensive top places he took her.

Basically he decided his right to have sex without protection was more important than your health, mental wellbeing or you and your DC having stuff.

If you are determined to stay with him and continue to have sex please at least use condoms and have regular screenings.

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 13:05

he took her to top restaurants and planned exciting events for them to do and bought her expensive and thoughtful gifts

the amount of investment he has put in here means only one thing to me = game over.

Is he still in love with her then?

Original poster
tryingtogetthroughit101 · 13/07/2017 13:41

he has since said he was living a fantasy as things were difficult as i worked in the dance school 7 days a week and we only really spent time in bed at the weekends together, and didnt do much together which is what he had with her. with working away he was also drinking a lot. He is a good looking man and I know he is very flirty, but after 12 years of standing by him through good times and bad times AND 3 children later, I guess I just felt broken when i found out. He says things are so much better now, he has even stopped working away and his company have allowed him a position that is closer to home with only occasional trips away. He has been trying to be a better husband but finds it very difficult when i have episodes where i get emotional and distraught over the affair. He was trying to pretend he was the big man with lots of money and experience, hey it worked he bagged himself a 5 month affair with a stunning ukraine girl who literally is soooo pretty i cannot cope. Since the affair ended he has been much happier at home, and tells me all the time he is so sorry but thankful as he feels much closer to me...this actually feels so hard though as I just cannot believe him right now as its too soon.

OP posts:
rebelrebel3 · 13/07/2017 13:42

OP my heart goes out to you, i recognise everything that you say in my own situation - especially that you love him and don't want to split. But i have to tell you that i got all the way to 9 months, was starting to feel some definite improvement - whole days going by without feeling angry or upset - and then....
A few weeks ago i found out about a whole new chapter of deceit and cheating. I am still in shock, can barely function and have no idea what to do...i can already feel my stupid heart trying to start accepting this but my head is screaming not again!!
As others have said, these things are rarely one-off - your DP is now a fully qualified cheat and the appeal of that lifestyle is magnetic, why on earth would he give up having sex with multiple women for a life of monogamy? At some point he'll cheat on you again and may already be doing do, while appearing 'patient' as you go through that hideous journey of grief and rage. My Dp was shagging escorts the same day as holding me in his arms while i cried and promising we're going to get through this together'. In fact, it turns out he felt entitled to some enjoyment because of all the crap I'm ' putting him through' about the original affair!
If you're going to stick with this at least be aware - stalk him like crazy, believe nothing and keep it in mind that the further away you get from the end of his relationship with HER, the more possible it is that someone new is on the scene.