5 months after discovery

[tryingtogetthroughit101]

I am at 5 months after discovery!!! i found a card in his bag from HER with a hashtag that I searched on his computer which led to me finding pictures, texts and videos of them together having sex. It tore me apart as we have been married 12 years and have 3 children. We had been having sex on a weekly basis and it turned out he had unprotected sex everytime with HER then unprotected sex with me. I had an infection before christmas with dr said was an STI bacterial infection but he denied it when I asked if he had cheated on me. He works away from home during the week so it seemed he was having her during the week and me at weekends. The affair lasted 5 months, she was only just married 6 weeks when she first had sex with my husband on a work trip to Paris, she was also much younger, 25 at time of affair, she is now 26, my husband was 37 now 38. I struggle with the fact he could to have a passionate affair and excitement when I was at home with his children, then he had the brass neck to tell me he was in love with her and wanted to move to be closer to her before the week i discovered and he changed his mind and decided to stay with me for the children...this fucking hurt. After the last few months he now says he loves me and ust lost his way, and forgot me but is never wanting to forget me again and wants us to move forward together. I am totally obsessed with HER though, and I continually have triggers daily when I see a car similar to hers in the pictures, when I see rabbits, as she had a rabbit, when i hear or she her name, its driving me mad as i just want to erase it from my mind. But everyday I find myself googling her, facebook checking her, then the worst bit, watching the videos I kept as insurance if i decided to divorce him. When does this part go??? Im devastated but divorce is not an option.

..oops posted too soon.
...after finding out about his 17th affair. She was 76 at the time, now leading an active and enjoyable life at 87! She wishes she'd done it sooner of course...

he requested the move home, and the OW was furious when she found out-she discovered he put in to move home 1 week before i discovered affair, apparently he thought he was home and dry as the affair was "over" but then I found out anyway! he says he now has everything he ever wanted and has "remembered" why Im the one he married and wants, we had been living long distance (monday - friday) for 10 years with only seeing each other at weekends and with me being a dance teacher I work more on a saturday and sunday so was at studio every weekend 8.30am-7pm then exhausted when I came home, my dance school was a financial strain too as the building upkeep and bills mounted up so i had to work 7 days a week to pay the bills, which led to us not seeing each other that much as well as being in debt with a crazy rates/tax bills. now I have given up my studio and have a modest job in an office, which i actually love, as its monday to friday and i see the kids and him more, also we used to live in a house we bought with my parents as they are my childcare when at studio, and hubby at work away, we have moved into a rented house of our own now after the affair made us finally sit down and talk.

I know quite a lot of women who have carried on with there marriages after an affair. I can think of 5 in my immediate circle of my Mother's and my friends, 2 of which also had children with their mistresses.
I think if you want to move past it you have to be really strict with yourself about not looking her up or going over it in your head. You also have to be able to forgive him for your own sake. My Grandmother always used to say if my grandad had an affair she would wake him up every morning saying "I forgive you." ie. if he did she would never let him forget it.
These women I know seem happy and in love but who knows what goes on in peoples heads. I do know that if you can't forgive him and you stay your life will be torture. Only you can make the choice, but make it soon, don't waste your life.

Reading your last update makes me wonder if this actually a relationship that could repair as you both appear to have made giant leaps to try and make things work.

But you have to stop focussing on HER. You have to.

i am going to delete the videos tonight when the kids are in bed, as this is a major problem as im drawn to them-not every day but once in a while I will see them (i know they are not healthy and i feel awful not deleting them already as i know i need her out of my head). the last 2 posts helped, i also spoke to hubby who is away on business this week, as i find it harder when he is away, I told him i finally posted our story on here and the posts were not in the favour of our relationship. He seemed genuinely distraught that i might divorce him without giving him the chance to prove himself. I have explained i do feel like i let him away with it and he has had his cake and eaten it without consequences and i am scared he might think he has a green light to do it again when he doesnt. i really need to block her out of my mind and stop being obsessed with the affair

If your husband minimises the affair, you shouldn't join in by calling it a 5 month fling.

Your sexual health was placed at risk and you weren't a thought at the time.

Stop comparing yourself to her... That's an insult to you. She's not worth the muck on your shoes.

Anyone who engages in an affair with a MM, has the morals of an alley cat.

I'll bet she was using him and quite frankly, she would likely have bleed him dry and been after the next mug.

A few questions....

What consequences has he faced?

Has he ever felt you would actually leave?

Have you placed any conditions on reconciliation?

Do any of your family know about the affair.?

And don't feel rushed to file within 6 months. You can file later and you both know the reason.

It sounds like he was infatuated with her and now realises it wouldn't have lasted.

It's all well and good taking her to fancy restaurants, but he would not have been able to keep that up. It's fantasy.

If he's truly remorseful, you need to see it in his actions, I suggest you get him to read the wayward section of www.survivinginfidelity.com
He can post his story and get support from other wayward spouses.

Only by reading and learning will he truly understand how you feel. Let him read the JFO section and see how a betrayed spouse feels on dday.

The gut wrenching, soul destroying feeling and the feeling that you just want the ground to swallow you up.

What does he do now to make you feel safe? Or loved?

It's the adulterer that needs to be doing huge, constant amount of work to fix what it was about himself that meant he chose to have a full blown relationship with some other person, to reassure his betrayed wife, to answer all questions at any time, to fundamentally change who he is as a person etc. Doesn't sound like this disease riddled nob is bothering too much. The whole point of a relationship is that it's meant to be FUN, it's meant to improve your life, it's not meant to be 'hard' or 'work'. You only get one life.

When your husband says he is distraught you might not make it.... Would he still be married to you, if he saw a video of you having sex with another man?

Sometimes people want forgiveness from what they wouldn't be able to forgive themselves.

If the roles were reversed... Down to you considering leaving him, what would he want from you to help him heal... And if he can actually come up with anything... Then he needs to implement that.

I've come across lots of cases of infidelity... But when ones catches them in the act or sees video footage.. The mind movies are a reality.. You don't need your imagination because you saw it.... Those marriages are very hard to reconcile from.

Please don't delete the videos - by all means put them somewhere you can't access them (USB stick hidden away or whatever) - but if you do divorce you are entitled to half of everything he owns & your case (and settlement) are likely to be stronger and better for you and your children if you have those videos as evidence.

Also if you had a daughter in the same situation as you are now - would you want her to stay?

He stuck his cock in another woman.

I couldn't get over that.

I'd of posted the amateur porno to her Facebook and emailed everyone at their work but I'm an evil bitch.

I once walked into my ex husbands job and threw his fake vagina sex toy at him in the middle of the office.

Know your worth op.

I totally understand how you feel, my similar experience (except I think emotional only) was from 12 years ago but I found the evidence only 8 months ago. I'm keeping my options open and don't now have a child at home to think about but am very very angry. In my case too I think it was an ego boost and being away , I don't think he thought any less of me, I think the same probably true for you. He is an idiot who wanted his cake and home comforts too . Mine too gets upset if I mention it, can't understand why I can't just feel 100% the same, If you can't contemplate separation then I think you need to be able to just live amicably , co parent and give it a time frame to see how you feel whilst keeping your wits about you . Make sure you do things that make you happy, not live your life just through him as I did and now resent

Nah sorry he's still getting an easy ride here; it was no fling, he's a liar, a cheat and that won't change OP now matter how much you want it to. If he's been working away for ten years then I'd bet you he's been at it all that time, the man has no conscience to have done what he did, the video is just rubbing salt in and clarifying that.

You are full of excuses for him, I'm not even married, my partner works away, we've been together 16 years, been through shit times and all and neither of us have even looked at another man or woman; it's true love, what you have is a guy who is purely there out of convenience, I'd never let myself be that vulnerable because you now know what he is capable of.

Has he even had a consequence at all?

I have explained i do feel like i let him away with it and he has had his cake and eaten it without consequences and i am scared he might think he has a green light to do it again when he doesnt.

Sorry OP that's exactly what he now thinks, as does myself, if you are going to give him a slap on the wrist for what he has done then he'll probably either carry it on with the OW or be up to it with someone else; I am sorry but I have no idea how you can even share a house with a man that has done this to you, actual zero consequence, if you don't value yourself, he wont either.

You get one life

Yours sounds miserable because of the actions of a man.

Very sad

What a way to live

He's disgusting, to make that video is the lowest of the low, that's not a man that made a mistake, that's a man that will take any opportunity that comes his way for quick and easy sex.,

i looked into legal separation today, he is back tonight from working away and he knows im angry now not a weeping shell of a person. i read my own story and scared myself that I have accepted this happening to me, when did i become so low in confidence that I allowed someone to treat me like this? I am scared, confused and really fearful for the kids as they finally have a good relationship with their daddy, and the idea of ever being apart from my kids would kill me if we parted and had to share custody. i have no idea what the hell im doing anymore but i do know Im not happy and need something to change for the better

You can do it my love, leave him and find someone who treats you well. You will survive and so will your children. They will adapt. LIFE WILL GET BETTER!!!!

Am I doing the right thing??? I want things to work out but I fear my kids could suffer which is a complete no-no to me as m older son is about to enter his AQE year to determine which secondary school he goes to....very important in Northern ireland have we fucked our son up

No you haven't fucked your son up. If their parents are happy the children are happy. Have you got RL support?

Writing things down is powerful. I have no doubt in my mind that you are doing the right thing. Xx

You are not to blame for any of this. The fact he gave you a STD would have ended it right there for me anyway, you will never ever trust him fully. You will always have that nagging doubt. Your old marriage is over, so you would be effectively starting a new relationship with someone who has betrayed you and put your health at risk....when you are a mother to 3 children, his 3 children! He has had no consequences for his actions, you are still there, and no doubt sleeping with him still too? He is disgusting. Please leave this "excuse" for a man.