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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

5 months after discovery

73 replies

tryingtogetthroughit101 · 13/07/2017 11:56

I am at 5 months after discovery!!! i found a card in his bag from HER with a hashtag that I searched on his computer which led to me finding pictures, texts and videos of them together having sex. It tore me apart as we have been married 12 years and have 3 children. We had been having sex on a weekly basis and it turned out he had unprotected sex everytime with HER then unprotected sex with me. I had an infection before christmas with dr said was an STI bacterial infection but he denied it when I asked if he had cheated on me. He works away from home during the week so it seemed he was having her during the week and me at weekends. The affair lasted 5 months, she was only just married 6 weeks when she first had sex with my husband on a work trip to Paris, she was also much younger, 25 at time of affair, she is now 26, my husband was 37 now 38. I struggle with the fact he could to have a passionate affair and excitement when I was at home with his children, then he had the brass neck to tell me he was in love with her and wanted to move to be closer to her before the week i discovered and he changed his mind and decided to stay with me for the children...this fucking hurt. After the last few months he now says he loves me and ust lost his way, and forgot me but is never wanting to forget me again and wants us to move forward together. I am totally obsessed with HER though, and I continually have triggers daily when I see a car similar to hers in the pictures, when I see rabbits, as she had a rabbit, when i hear or she her name, its driving me mad as i just want to erase it from my mind. But everyday I find myself googling her, facebook checking her, then the worst bit, watching the videos I kept as insurance if i decided to divorce him. When does this part go??? Im devastated but divorce is not an option.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 13:52

He's had zero consequence then, be prepared for it to all happen again in the future with some other young filly; he actually sounds like he felt entitled to go shag and spend loads of dosh on another woman whilst married; that for me says it all, he has no respect for either marriage or you; he's still blaming you for his own disgusting behaviour.

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 13:53

he had the brass neck to tell me he was in love with her and wanted to move to be closer to her before the week i discovered and he changed his mind and decided to stay with me for the children.

My god this man can pretty much do what he likes; he's no prize even though he thinks he is.

jeaux90 · 13/07/2017 13:58

OP why tie yourself down to a life of monogamy when it's not reciprocal?

You sound lovely but he sounds like an asshat.

How would you feel about co-parenting with him instead and having your life back free of worry about whether he'll do it again?

Original poster

tryingtogetthroughit101 · 13/07/2017 14:03

Am I a fucking mug??? shit...reading it all back to myself I just feel so foolish, how the hell did i of all people end up like this, staying with someone who did this to me and his kids, I am still so much in love with him and invested in our relationship and family, I really want to believe him and that things are so much better and we can get through this and become stronger for it. I am so pathetic and weak as I am so worried about ending up a single mum of 3 at 37! What if thats it for me???? What if i end up alone forever, thats pathetic that im thinking that way right? But he will end up happy with someone half my age and give her everything when i was with him through all the struggles of getting the career. can it ever work out???

OP posts:

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 14:14

I'd rather be alone than with a man who might infect me with a serious sti, a man who prioritises his dick over his wife and children. You deserve so much more than this. Your self esteem is at rock bottom right now. The only way is up. And out. Don't be a mug x

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 14:15

He wanted to leave you. He stayed because of the kids. Remember that xx

Applebloom · 13/07/2017 14:17

Sounds like on some level you are trying to force yourself to be happy with this poor excuse of a man.
You self esteem is suffering even more with him in your life, knowing what he did and how easy it was for him to literally do what he pleased between two women with no regard for anyone's sexual health. What a selfish man!

And he's rewarded with his family intact and no one else aware. His life gets to stay same while you get the emotional turmoil of his actions and an sti.
Time for you to take charge stop letting him decide what suits him best ( home comforts and false 'clean' reputation)

Greedynan · 13/07/2017 14:17

Ps 37 is no age. You're young.

Applebloom · 13/07/2017 14:19

And don't base your decision on whether to divorce on your future dating prospects or even his for that matter!!

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 14:24

You are still very young OP! They are his kids too so he can share the care! There are men out there that will respect you; he says he lost his way, I am sorry but there's every chance he's going to lose his way again; he thinks it's ok to cheat on you, film himself having sex; lie and be deceitful and then say, oh well I'll give you another go for now - I know it's horrible to hear but he does not love you the way a man should love a woman; he's there out of convenience, probably suits him but it won't mean he will stop his cheating ways.

I assume he knows you won't end the marriage, therefore, it's win win for him.

rizlett · 13/07/2017 14:30

Op - might you be being drawn into the competition game here? If he chooses you that means you are good enough?

It's not really about her at all - are you focussing your anger and hate on her because it's safer than being angry with him?

It sounds like your focus might be better placed on you. To do what makes you feel good? (and stalking ow is never going to make you feel good - in fact it only serves to punish yourself more each and every time you look - and then you run yourself down more and more inside your head.)

It doesn't have to be this way at all.

You deserve to be with someone who treasures you. Who loves you. Until that happens the only person who can do that is you.

Original poster

tryingtogetthroughit101 · 13/07/2017 16:57

How do you know when to call it a day though??? Is there anyone out there that has a positive experience after a betrayal like Ive been through, or am I really fighting a losing battle???

OP posts:

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 17:02

You don't have to call it a day permanently but you should have a separation from him now, not later; this will show him there are consequences to what he has done, it was also make him feel less in control (and give some back to you) and let you both really think about if you want to both continue with each other, staying out of convenience or for the children is not the same as him wanting to make it work with you I'm afraid and pretending otherwise will not help you.

Instead of brushing it under the carpet, face it, let him have the aftermath of his terribly selfish decisions, I'd never get that video out my head personally but to carry on and pretend it's no big deal is just going to hurt you further (only benefits him).

If he truly loves you OP, he'll do whatever you ask. I'm afraid your insistence that divorce is not an option is basically you saying you will put up with it.

Original poster

tryingtogetthroughit101 · 13/07/2017 17:05

i do agree my self esteem is completely rock bottom, but what if this has changed him and he is telling the truth that this will never happen again as he cannot bear to see the pain it brought me and could never do it to me again, I really am caught between wanting to see if this can be the turning point to a stronger marriage and new relationship with him AND the thought that he could quite easily break my heart again, this time when i am even older and even more insecure about living a single life. i know its stupid but i really WANT to believe him as he is now saying everything I wished he had said before and he is around more than ever before, but I do know too that he is very capable of doing it again. I just thought maybe someone who had been through it to the extent of what i endured might have some positive stories as i still love him regardless of him being a shit, 5 months out of 14 years together, do i really throw it all away for a 5 month fling, we have a lot of history!

OP posts:

magoria · 13/07/2017 17:13

Your old marriage is dead and you wouldn't be the one throwing it away.

The first time he flirted with her, he made a conscious decision to do so.

The first time he kissed her.

The first time they slept together.

Between these were many many points where he could have said no and stopped it.

He didn't.

He is the one who risked your marriage for a 5 month fling. Not you.

You could build a new and better marriage. Yes.

But your old marriage pre this woman is over.

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 17:14

A five month fling, he pursued her, spent family money, met her abroad for jollys and then to top it off videoed them having sex so no sorry I don't think it was just a fling and are you entirely sure it's over?

Up to you, sounds like you are going to bury it under that carpet with no consequence; words are very cheap, the same words he lied to you over and over with for five months, you sound very forgiving, I'd suggest you find your anger, he's made a complete joke out of your marriage and saying sorry now just does not cut the mustard.

Pack his bags OP if you really want to test his love for you, because right now he's getting off scot free with a few chosen words to soften you up.

You don't have to throw it away, he did that remember. Your marriage might be able to continue and be better but not if you are going to sweep it away like it was nothing.

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 17:16

He even gave you an STI woman, wake up.

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 17:17

I'd also tell her poor husband that she was having sex with your husband less than six weeks married, they both sound very suitable actually for each other.

backintown · 13/07/2017 17:20

You are absolutely fighting a losing battle. The bloke is a liar and a creep and I have never met anyone who has come back from a situation like that and been happy. He is spinning you all the lies that a classic narcissist will - once you are out of the honeymoon phase post cheating reveal you can expect it to happen again (and again and again now you've effectively condoned it - why the hell not eh, apparently you'll just put up with it!).

If divorce is not an option then self-respect is also not an option and perhaps you should consider condoms as your method of protection so that you don't pick up the future STI's from all the skanks he sticks his cock in (you've already got the video after all).

Seriously, you sound lovely, don't be such a doormat, it makes me so sad to see people get walked all over by asshats like this (who actually deserve to end up alone sitting in their own piss riddled with the anti-biotic resistant form of gonorrhoea). Have you got RL friends who can make you see sense about this situation?

You say you want positive stories - you must realise there aren't any, because good and decent people don't behave the way your husband did.

Original poster

tryingtogetthroughit101 · 13/07/2017 17:28

I have looked into divorce, and Im very aware i only have 1 month to file for divorce under grounds of adultery, which just makes it difficult as i really dont know what im thinking right now. Financially I would be fucked!!! well and truly!!! I need to believe there is a chance of a happy ending here

OP posts:

Adora10 · 13/07/2017 17:35

Don't look to him for your happy ending, look to you, love you more than him.

Thebluedog · 13/07/2017 17:41

Divorce is always an option

I stayed with my now exh for 3 years. I had 3 years of daily triggers, I didn't want to celebrate anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays etc as they were all triggers. It was hideous. Being a single, skint mum of 2 dc is soooooo much better than staying in a marriage after an affair. I'm finally in control of MY life.

Good luck op and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/07/2017 17:45

Does the other woman's husband know? Presumably he now has an STD too and may be unaware. And as someone else said, your lowlife H didn't necessarily get it from her.

Properjob · 13/07/2017 17:52

Hello OP. Definitely tell him that he needs to leave, at least temporarily. If he sticks it out and proves that he wants to love you again and keep this family together then fine, you will know. Some of what you have said is encouraging, he being home more etc. but did he request this or has it actually cramped his style? All I can say is that my stbxh stayed with me for the sake of the children. This means he asked for a divorce as soon as our daughter went to Uni. I will be 60 soon, I wish I was only 37....

rebelrebel3 · 13/07/2017 18:11

I think what you're saying is you want to believe him and you're going to give that a go even if it's stupid. I'm in same boat right now so definitely not judging you but don't think you should kid yourself it's a positive option or look for evidence it will work out well. You're doing this because you're in a weak position and there's no other option you can face right now. Actually i do have a happy story to tell you. A lady i know eventually found the strength to divorce hr husband after

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