MIL advice

[user1499333856]

Can I get a sanity check please before I send a message I regret?

My DH has told me to send a message about this to my MIL. Thoughts please.

MIL has had our two children for a few days. She dropped my youngest today at daycare and then brings all the bags back to our house.

She has a key. Usually she rings the doorbell.

This morning I am in bed and all of a sudden my MIL is in my house. I am not dressed. And I didn't know she was coming over.

AIBU to expect a phone call beforehand or even for her to have rang the doorbell before she came in.

I'm pretty pissed off at the minute and tearful. I have depression and a cold. I don't want someone coming in to my house unannounced.

Husband told me to send this:

"Hi MIL
Thank you for bringing the things back today.
I'm sorry I wasn't dressed: still not feeling well. I don't want to pass on my fever/bug.

Would you mind ringing ahead or the door bell when you come in? As I say, I wasn't dressed and didn't expect anyone here. I hope you understand.

You're always welcome but please let me know before you come in."

Thoughts please. 😔

Feel like a right prat now. Don't k is how to get it moved. Sorry again. I know not to say anything to MIL now. Just felt alone and my DH is a headfuck. I'm not, by and large, this pathetic or weak. Thanks all

Please don't apologise op! Everyone on this thread is on your side. You sound so, so down. The problem here isn't your mil and it isn't you either .

nobody thinks you're pathetic or weak.

you just need to prioritise - you have an unpleasant husband who is in contacts with escorts/prostitutes - that's the thing that needs sorting out.

MIL must know you're ill or she wouldn't be helping out? I wouldn't send her a text at all - sounds like she's someone you need to keep on side?

Look after yourself

Seems like all your problems are caused by him. Get rid of him and you can start getting better

It won't ever get better kg you wait to have good mental health before getting rid of the person and situation causing the bad mental health.

So he's been spending the money you earned in a 7 day week on prostitutes while you were at work?

Why's he still in your house?

HE is the one who needs to go, not you!

don't send the message, keep MIL onside - sorry to hear you're having a rough time OP

Don't wish to burn bridges with her. My husband is a very clever, gaslighting arsehole.
Get him to leave the house? Ha. How, he won't go.
I'm on my own in this. MIL is very supportive but I have no intention of withholding kids or informing her about her son.

No idea why my husband is still in bed at 9:30am ...there's a pattern there.
I was in bed because I was ill. I've done more 18/20 hour days in the last 3-5 years than I can count. So I need a sedative to get through some days / an antidepressant. - all fun.

MIL does a lot for us. I have no family here as in DH home country. She probably does too much but that is mostly because my husband doesn't want to know/can't cope. Etc. I have also seen my MIL sometimes 7 days a week for at least 3 years. Doing childcare for us when I am out at work and he's sitting at home on his bum.

Yes, we have had a sexless marriage. Yes, I've caught him visiting a prostitute the day before I gave birth. He says he ran off before the deed. Endless texts to other women. I know I am an idiot and he plays me well.

He takes advantage of my bad childhood. A crazy elderly mother who I'm currently having problems with who calls me 15 times a day. Another issue.

Yep. My life is often a pile of crap at the moment. I just need to build myself up. I am working on it every day.

Report your thread to mnhq. Click on the "report" located in the box to the right of your username at the top. Ask them to move it.

I'd be sending a text. "I'm sorry I was off with you this morning. It would be great if you could knock instead of letting yourself in to avoid being in the middle of a difficult situation between husband and I. Apart from being unwell I am extremely upset as he has just informed me he is frequenting prostitutes."

I've asked for it to be moved. Thank you.

I am sorry things are so tough for you. Be kind to yourself. You are clearly very capable and he is clearly not. You can't carry it all on your shoulders, burn out is inevitable. How do you want things to be in say, 1 year? How can you get there? Is he still in the picture? You can't change him, only he can.

Contact Women's Aid, they'll advise you on how to dispose of your husband legally. the ladies on here can advise you on the illegal way!

Unfortunately, your mil is enabling your husband to be incompetent by being so helpful. You can't win either way so get rid of him and create a new life for yourself & your kids. I can guarantee that your depression will become less apparent once you divorce your husband.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Hi, so sorry for the delay.

We're moving this over to our Relationships topic now at the OP's request. OP, we hope you're okay.

Thank you. Awful day.

I can't seem to get to the bottom of the problem with my husband.

I have evidence he uses / has used prostitutes but then he denies it over and over. Then in a drunken rant he admits it and I do not really know if he said it to be spiteful or because he really does.

I have asked him to take the code off his phone, he does or there is an excuse. Its always so opaque, such smoke and mirrors. So I can't really check his messages. Last messages I found were at Xmas. It isn't that long.

I ask him to not withdraw sums of money from the joint account to his own. He does pay in all his own salary, as do I. But I ask him to use the debit cards so, in honesty, so I can see where the money is going. You know, I don't want him withdrawing sums of money to spend on what I fear the worst. Escorts.

We have no sex life. I told him specifically not to trap me in a sexless marriage. And he has, for four years. We are just very good friends. He is pretty unimaginative in bed. So that is why going off to escorts is so hard on me.

It will take real courage to leave him. He will not leave the house. I will have to go. I will have to go with my kids. Maybe back to my home country and I have no support network there whatsoever. Just one elderly narc mother who I can't have my kids anywhere near.

My husband has said he will come to some of my counselling sessions with me. He is literally breaking my heart - I have chest pains so often and I am so tearful and low.

Thank you for all the messages today, there is so much to process.

So sorry to read all this!

You need support OP - it is too much to deal with on your own.

The Citizen's advice might have ideas about help in your area. I agree about Women's Aid.

Honestly your husband is the problem, it might feel easier to deal with MIL but it doesn't sound like she was being malicious. Maybe she looked in and thought there was no one home so just thought she would drop the stuff off. No such justification for what your husband said and maybe did.

Your MIL is supportive, you have no one to support you in your home country, it doesn't sound like it would be good for you or the children to leave. Do you own the house, if you rent is it in your name or joint? You need some legal advice.

We are married. We rent. The rental agreement is in his name. I couldn't pay the rent by myself let alone make childcare. I do need legal advice

Then you need to save a deposit - fund some friends to help you move your stuff out -start looking at cost does he work?

Yes, now he does. That is a good idea. I am going to do that .
Slow plan to leave.

"we are just very good friends"
my darling very good friends don't treat you like that
you deserve so much better

Good luck, I hope it goes well. Don't forget if you are low paid you can get help with rent, childcare etc.