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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL advice

72 replies

user1499333856 · 12/07/2017 13:02

Can I get a sanity check please before I send a message I regret?

My DH has told me to send a message about this to my MIL. Thoughts please.

MIL has had our two children for a few days. She dropped my youngest today at daycare and then brings all the bags back to our house.

She has a key. Usually she rings the doorbell.

This morning I am in bed and all of a sudden my MIL is in my house. I am not dressed. And I didn't know she was coming over.

AIBU to expect a phone call beforehand or even for her to have rang the doorbell before she came in.

I'm pretty pissed off at the minute and tearful. I have depression and a cold. I don't want someone coming in to my house unannounced.

Husband told me to send this:

"Hi MIL
Thank you for bringing the things back today.
I'm sorry I wasn't dressed: still not feeling well. I don't want to pass on my fever/bug.

Would you mind ringing ahead or the door bell when you come in? As I say, I wasn't dressed and didn't expect anyone here. I hope you understand.

You're always welcome but please let me know before you come in."

Thoughts please. 😔

OP posts:
Laura1206 · 12/07/2017 13:22

Why are you with him if he's been with prostitutes etc?

Justhadmyhaircut · 12/07/2017 13:23

Sounds like you need both mil and dh key back. . .
Then get your glad rags on and get to a solicitor (or go in your pj's - they won't care a jot. .)
Your depression will lift when that dead weight is removed from you - ie your dh. .

Decaffstilltastesweird · 12/07/2017 13:24

That's a good call foxache. I would probably report this thread if I were you op and ask mnhq to move it to relationships.

GreenTulips · 12/07/2017 13:31

Get rid of him and keep MIL onside for childcare and help!

Think how things will be when you aren't suppprting this lazy bugger

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/07/2017 13:31

No, you don't go, OP, he does.

He's the one using prostitutes. You are the one with kids to care for. And I'm another voter for your depression becoing a lot easier to cope with once the main cause of it has gone.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/07/2017 13:33

Since you seem to like your mil more than your dh could you ask her if you could stay with her for a bit.

BTW, people who read the relationships topic also read others so it doesn't become a special place where you'll get advice you can't get anywhere else.

beachcomber243 · 12/07/2017 13:34

You're going for the wrong person, MIL is trying to help you, give her a break.
Sort out your marriage and get DH to communicate with his own mother not shift everything onto you.

Bluerose27 · 12/07/2017 13:36

I'd say your mil realises she caught you at a bad time so you probably don't need to mention it for now. If it happens again then maybe.
But I agree with pp- your number one problem is your husband

Decaffstilltastesweird · 12/07/2017 13:37

True going, but AIBU isn't where I would post for relationship advice, personally.

QueenArseClangers · 12/07/2017 13:37

I'd be sending MIL a different sort of text. One were you inform her that her son is shagging sex workers.

Flowers
kaytee87 · 12/07/2017 13:40

Why is your mil dropping your kids at nursery when both parents are lying in bed? Are you both too unwell?

I'd be concentrating on your marriage and getting yourself an sti check op. Sure it's annoying people letting themselves in but I'm sure she just didn't want to wake you. You've bigger fish to fry.

ratspeaker · 12/07/2017 13:40

Dear MIL , might be an idea to phone or ring the doorbell if you pop in. You might catch DH with one of his prostitutes, I ve just found out he uses them all the time.

But that would just be venting.

You need advice on your relationship with your 'D' H.
Hes not coming across as being very nice.
Its very odd he didnt even come out to say hi to his mother ( if I read that right)

Do you know if its possible MIL phoned your husband beforehand, he said fine come in, and he's trying to stir things making you look the baddie?

NellieFiveBellies · 12/07/2017 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/07/2017 13:41

And once again, as predictable as night following day, your real problem is your husband.

SpringySprung · 12/07/2017 13:41

LTB seriously remove him and her from your life, start again, get happy and don't put up with this shit. If he won't leave just leave yourself with your kids Flowers

Helendee · 12/07/2017 13:45

What's the point of telling the MIL about the prostitutes? It is neither her problem or her business.

Soditall · 12/07/2017 13:47

Do you have a good relationship with your MIL,would she be supportive if you told her what was going on with your Husband?

Unless there's some reason you can't stay in the house(your husband is likely to be violent to you or your DC)then you stay and he gets to leave,he's the one in the wrong here not you and make sure you go and get tested as soon as you can to make sure the bastard hasn't passed anything onto you.

With your MIL whilst you've got so much else going on I'd just stick the chain across the frontdoor(if you have one)I know you shouldn't have to but right now you have bigger fish to fry. Flowers

Goodasgoldilox · 12/07/2017 13:49

Perhaps you should add a little to the text - about DH asking you to send it - oh, and that apparently he often sees prostitutes and if she doesn't ring, she might bump into them?

Helendee · 12/07/2017 13:50

SpringySprung

Why should the OP remove her MIL from hers and her children's lives? The MIL isn't the bad guy here and sounds like a great source of suppport. I imagine the children love their granny if they spend a lot of time with her.

cakecakecheese · 12/07/2017 13:52

I think her heart's in the right place, she was being helpful and probably didn't want to disturb you. I can see why you're upset as you've got a lot to deal with but it's not her fault. Your husband however, is a piece of work...

Inertia · 12/07/2017 13:53

Your husband is now trying to drive a wedge between you and his mother, because there's a fair chance that she'll offer you some support when your marriage breaks down due to his use of prostitutes, and it suits him to leave you isolated.

RB68 · 12/07/2017 13:54

You have a Man shaped problem - I should ditch it

FuckYouLinda · 12/07/2017 13:55

He's deflecting the anger you should have towards him for his cheating towards his mother for not pressing a wee button when she was coming in after doing you both a big favour.

For all you know the lying cheating bastard did get a text off her and he told her to come right in.

Focus. Focus your anger on the person who deserves it - him!

Jaxhog · 12/07/2017 13:55

Just send her a note to apologise in case she heard you having sex when she arrived. Suggest it's probably a good idea that she calls before coming or at least rings the doorbell. In case it happens again.

rinabean · 12/07/2017 13:55

perhaps she knows a bit about what's going on :( I know it's embarrassing but you're not to blame. I think she knows too or she might have said something, even jokingly. You will need all the support you can get, and if she's a good woman she'll give it. Don't burn bridges with her

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