Reaching the end of my teather- is it me or is it him?

[Purplelipgloss]

I am six months pregnant and I just can't understand my partners behaviour towards me ATM. I can't understand why he isn't stopping himself from arguing with me knowing that I'm 6 months pregnant and more depressed than I am happy.
I have to use so much energy every single day to keep my spirits up because this is my first child and I'm anxious about it, work is stressful (I have my own business so I can't escape it) and I have to battle with Multiple Sclerosis at the same time- on top of house renovations, family stresses - Just feel like I'm getting it from all directions. Sorry for going on a tagent.

Yesterday evening we had had a lovely meal and we were absolutely fine, I told him how much I'd missed him in the daytime and we were really close. Out of absolutely nowhere he just flipped at me. He was watching a programme that I wasn't interested in, we had been joking about it or I had and then he burst out laughing whilst watching it, I was watching it too (didn't have much choice) and I let out a little sarcastic laugh kind of imitating him in a way I know that was very immature and pointless but I think I was just bored and didn't think that the programme was funny at all.

Anyway he immediately paused it and turned on me, aggressively shouted at me and asked me why I didn't think that it was funny which was of no use because he didn't like my answer and then kept on saying that I'd proved his point. He actually even made me re-watch that part of the programme and asked me to explain to him the reason why it was supposed to be funny.

This all sounds so ridiculous, I realise. However, the thing that I'm worried about the most is how he turned on me and the aggressive manner. It was as though I was on a stand and he was questioning me. He barely let me speak for myself and when I did he was twisting what I was saying and using it against me. I didn't understand his reaction one bit, I was being very silly and annoying yes but I don't think it warranted that outburst. We still aren't talking and I feel like he either hates me or that he needs help, which one I don't know?! I just know that I can't and shouldn't have to put up with this type of behaviour being six months pregnant.

Sorry for the really long post but an outsiders opinion would be nice because I really am at a loss.

Are there other examples or is this a one-off?
Unfortunately, it's well documented, that abusers show their true colours during pregnancy or after the birth of a child.
Start keeping a diary of his behaviour and see what that shows you.
Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about all of this?

Thanks hells. He has acted like this in the past yes, not so much flying off the handle he is usually super patient but whenever we get into arguments he will always try and beat me down so to speak, it's like he has to win the argument and he gets personal a lot. I'm very calm and I wouldn't ever speak to him the way he speaks to me, argument or not.

The last argument we had, he told me how much he can't stand 'needy' women and went on a huge rant and I said well you call me needy so your basically bashing me right now then.

I just can't for the life of me understand why he wouldn't and can't just drop his over the top reactions for the sake of my health and the babies. Last night I said to him that he was really stressing me out and he told me that I was rude and stressed him out too!! Just unbelievable.

I have nobody to talk to in RL

I wasn't there so can only go by what you wrote but you sound kind of annoying. The sarcastic laugh was like you were looking for an argument and you went out of your way to annoy him. It sounds like he over reacted too. Maybe he had a shit day and didn't need you to make fun of him on top of it.

If this is a one-off I'd put it down to just having a shit mood. Only a pattern is of concern.

I get that being pregnant makes you feel vulnerable but being six months pregnant doesnt give you a free pass to be a dick to someone without consequences.

I think to break this stand off you could be the first to apologise to him for that stupid laugh but at the same time explain you'd like an apology from him for how he then reacted so aggressively. Tell him it scared you. If he's a decent sort he'll be sorry he reacted that way.

Never withhold apology for your own wrong-doing because you think the other was in the wrong more. Own your own mistakes honestly, separately from how wrong the other person was. Otherwise you can end up both sulking for days.

It wasn't really 'out of nowhere' was it? You mocked him for laughing at something you didn't find funny. That sounds like a really spiteful thing to do. I'd have been really fucked off with you if you'd done that to me too. It's horrible.

If his arguing style makes you feel like shit on a regular basis then you have to talk to him but NOT during or right after a fight or in relation to anything you've fought about (he'll just react badly and you'll not find him very receptive).

He needs to hear that his aggressive stance and going in to attack you rather than deal with the disagreed thing is hurtful and affects the relationship you have. For some people, going on the offensive is an ingrained habit when feeling under attack and it's not ok. Talking about how you fight is key, I think. Do it when you're both calm and in a good place.

Thank you for all of your advice guys. I am being very over sensitive at the moment and I think that perhaps me being silly was my way of being annoyed at him for watching something that I wasn't interested in watching as opposed to asking him if we could watch something else.

I'm finding it very difficult to see clearly when we have arguments at the moment. Perhaps I need to find a new way to relax and stop being as sensitive.

You were being sarcastic he was being intimidating and threatening so yes I do agree with you OP, esp being 6 months pregnant and dealing with MS. Forcing you to watch again and explain yourself? Nah, really unhealthy the way you two are communicating, not sure what the answer is tbh, I think you are just looking for a bit of support, you both sounds angry with each other.

You should be worried. Becoming pregnant and then a new mother is the 'neediest' time of a woman's life when you are vulnerable and need support. This abusive behaviour often begins and then escalates when a woman is pregnant.

What you did was really patronising.

That's it Adora, I think that I am looking for support from him. I'm looking for him to tell me that he's proud of me and offer to help me sometimes because I do carry a lot and I will still cook dinner for us both and do all of the house work. I'm tired ATM and I think lashing out a bit in strange ways.

He does seem angry but he hasn't said why. I did say that tobhim because his reaction was so over the top in my eyes. He just said that I was 'trying to turn nothing into something,' 'I was trying to cause another problem.'

That's what I'm scared of Fox. I never would have imagined that he would or could act like this. It's almost as though he doesn't like the fact that I'm changing in the sense that because of my tiredness, I'm doing less and maybe moaning a bit more than usual. I don't think he can handle it. If I had done something really seriously wrong, I worry how he might react in that instance.

The other thing I didn't mention is that he was drinking and it's not unusual for him to get argumentative and aggressive after a couple of drinks.

My problem is that when I'm in an argument with him I think I make it easy for him to over-power me because I just hate arguments and don't have it in me to get all aggressive. If somebody had witnessed last night it would have looked like he was emotionally abusing me and just the thought or to think that freaks me out so much. I dont feel weak by any sense, if he crossed a certain line I wouldn't hold back and I would walk out but I'm just trying to make sense of it. It's not as though he hasn't ever been rude to me whilst I'm watching some trashy reality programme. If the shoe was on the other foot I would have just told him to be quiet and turned the volume up.

Well sorry but if he can't support you at this crucial time it does not bode well, you should not be doing all the bloody cooking, he should be looking after you! He drinks and his reaction to you looking for attention was to be emotionally abusive, you are right there OP.

You really need to tell him how his treatment of you is making you feel, you can bring up a child without being in a relationship with him you know.

Thanks Adora. I can totally bring up our boy without him. I'm going to sit him down later and talk to him - apologise for acting a bit immature and pathetic but I'm going to tell him how his reaction made me feel. Trying to over power me the way he was was not ok. He might not feel confidant doing it to the people who he wants to but he can't come home and do it to me instead. It makes me sick to think that he can't look at me and automatically want to help me and protect me. Whenever he's hurt I will always get all protective over him and it makes me feel upset, why he isn't just the same over me makes me worry. And he also knows that I don't like going to bed on an argument, I just worry until it's been resolved so he's actually full well knowingly still hurting me right now.

Am I reading the same threat?

You were unable to entertain yourself briefly while he watched a program you didn't like so you behaved like an immature teenager. He rewound, explained why it was funny and lost his temper because you mocked him for not reason.

You are concerned how he will influence your child?? You were the one being a brat!

*thread

HackAttack - think that you are definitely reading a different thread to me!

The op - pregnant, tired and suffering from MS, made a rather silly and irritating comment. Her DH then turned on her and aggressively shouted, insisting that she re-watched the programme and made her explain exactly why she didn't find it funny...?!

He sounds horrible. There is NO excuse for being so aggressive, and there are red flags flying galore here. As a previous poster has said, if this is a one-off then maybe its not so bad. If he often gets belligerent and unpleasant, then keep a record of his behaviour for your own sake - it may help you sort out your feelings towards him.

Good luck.

He shouted and re wound something??

The gender bias on here is ridiculous. If she had been watching something and he mocked her and she lost her temper you would all be saying how he goaded her etc

I'm with HartAttack here. Sounds like OP was looking for an argument.

HackAttack

I agree.

OP you don't sound like you're acting too perfectly yourself either.

OP - do you feel you need "protecting" just because you're pregnant? You said yourself you're a bit moany lately. And you're looking for him "to be proud of you". I get that you have MS but presumably it's safe for you to be pregnant?

Maybe, just maybe, you're coming across as being a bit needy. Being pregnant isn't an illness. Unless you have specific complications then you should carry on as normal. If the MS is making you physically too tired to cope with every day life then you need to explain this calmly - does he come to any ante-natal appointments with you? Does the midwife need to explain about how being pregnant with MS is different to being pregnant without it?

Why do you do all the cooking and housework?

You will give him even less attention after the baby is born. I expect the aggression will get worse. Selfish men want all the attention and all the work done for them, they deeply resent the child's needs being more important to you.

Putting your own described behaviour aside (like others l think you didn't behave brilliantly and likely inflamed things), can l ask about the MS? Has it been diagnosed recently or since you and he got together?Has it affected you while you've been pregnant, either better or worse? Is he generally aware of what it involves and how it affects you?

I just wonder if that's part of it. It's fairly common,sadly, for partners to be quite scared (and some can be unsupportive) in the face of a chronic, progressive illness. I have one of those myself though it isn't MS.

Well done to all the posters who think that it's ok to shout and be verbally aggressive to someone. It's absolutely nothing to do with gender bias - aggression like this will very often ramp up over time rather than get better.

If it ramps up then yes its wrong however as a human being who occasionally shouts myself it really isn't the worst crime ever.

Hack if you think that is what happened, no you are not reading the thread properly at all! All those criticising the OP could do to 're read what she wrote!

She laughed, she said I let out a little sarcastic laugh kind of imitating him in a way I know that was very immature and pointless but I think I was just bored and didn't think that the programme was funny at all."

His response was aggressive and scary, controlling. The OP is 6 months pregnant, has her own business, seems to do the lions share of work one the house, is busy with house renovations, family stresses and has MS.

OP your husband sounds like a prize shit. I'm so sorry but I would get used to the idea of patenting alone.

parenting alone.