Why is my husband ignoring me when I say that I want to separate and get divorced?

[thefalloutwillbeawful]

It's not that I want to, it's that, for lots of reasons (mainly connected to his behaviour), there is no other choice.

We have been estranged, in the house, since last year. We do not communicate at all (he is too scary to talk to about anything important as he quickly starts shouting and in any case only blames) other than occasionally about logistical stuff.

I have sent him two emails saying that we need to get divorced. After the first one he laughed sarcastically. After the second one I rang him asking him if we could talk and he said "you are obviously talking to lots of people, carry on, I am not interested in your stupid games".

So I am now going to be forced to get a solicitor to send him a letter saying that I want to get divorced as amicably as possible, and that I would be open to mediation as a first step. And H is going to hit the roof - and god knows what is going to happen then. But what else can I do? Genuine question.

[Also, I had a horrible stomach bug over the weekend and am still off work today as I am still ill. H was away and did not know - even if he had been here he would have ignored me. This morning (he is back) he rang me to ask if I am at home today - I said yes since I am not well. He did not ask me anything about that and asked if I am going out . I said no and he rang off. So he obviously wanted me to run an errand for him. Ignoring the fact that I am ill and the other massive elephant in the room. Just why??]

You don't need a solicitor to file for divorce, you can get the forms from the .gov website and submit them yourself, its really straight forward. He won't be able to ignore that.

Your situation sounds awful, I can't imagine how it's ended up like this, but you can only be happier than you are now, so crack on. Are you scared of him? If the relationship is abusive you shouldn't do mediation. And unless you have children, which you don't mention, you don't need to mediate anyway.

Do you own or rent? If the former, you need to work out what you'd like to happen with that and any other assets.

You might need a lawyer anyway, and he sounds horrible so someone strong and knowledgeable fighting your corner might make you feel stronger should you end up negotiating on assets etc. But you can file for divorce yourself.

We do have kids. We own - the family home is in his name and he has always refused to put me on the deeds. There are other assets, most in his name apart from half a property I own with a family member. He has always excluded me from big financial decisions and this is one of the reasons for my wanting the divorce. He has hidden a property before as well.

The thing about filing for divorce on my own is that I would feel completely unbacked up and I am scared of his (verbal) reaction, yes.

The thing about the letter from the solicitor is that it is a softer beginning (IMO) than petitioning him straight away (scary thought). I don't think he will go for mediation, and in lots of ways I hope he doesn't.

This believe it or not is pretty much the classic generic male reaction to this. Ignore like its not happening. Be prepared though as soon as he's gone through the bargaining phase, that he will become extremely awkward about finances etc (perhaps understandably, the division of assets and the breakdown of the marriage is not what he wants I assume but he's done nothing to assuage it).

Please get legal advice quickly.If you have given him the heads up on divorce could he be hiding assets/preparing whilst you assume he's just not listening?

If your H has not been open with finances whilst married there is very little chance mediation will work.I am speaking from experience.

Your h is hostile to you and this is not likely to get better when you divorce.
Definitely get a solicitor, see a few or ask for advice on legal.

He is in control, whilst he might not be happy with situation he doesn't have to split finances or deal with the children on his own..he can string this out.

My advice would be to petition him, my stbxh threatened to "unleash hell" if I petitioned him.I gave way thinking it would placate him..absolutely did not as it doesn't work giving in to bullies.
Be prepared for non amicable as he isn't now so not likely to change!

I've got a solicitor (was being a bit vague in my OP) and the letter as mentioned above is ready for her to send when I tell her (). The thing about petitioning him straight away is that it will seem so aggressive?

I think you are right - hermonie - he might be getting ready / hiding things.

Still, I don't know what awful things await me once I unleash this and I am scared. What if I can't handle it - and all while living in the same house .

With so many assets and him being such an obvious dickwad, who has no regard for you, whatsoever, you definitely need a shit hot lawyer.

And do start gathring important belongings and information without speaking about divorce again, because you may not get chance, once he realises you are seriou. Get copies, or at least photos, of everything financial you can get your hands on and get them out of the house, if you have a safe place with a friend or relative.

The longer you wait the more time you are giving him to try and fuck you over. Screw his outbursts and temper tantrums. Get a solicitor IMMEDIATELY and get this nightmare over with.

He is being aggressive to you.

You need to be extremely assertive and business like in return.

Stop pandering to him. Stand up and fight for yourself. He behaves the way he does because he wants you to cower and feel weak.

Have the solicitor send the letter. Don't mediate.

Why is mediation so bad, when you would still have the advice of your own personal solicitor?

Why do I still feel that all our problems are my invention and that everything would be okay if only I behaved "properly"?

You feel this way because he has brainwashed you into believing it. It's time to take the blinders off. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

Mediation isn't bad if both parties reasonable.Its am be an awful experience if your H is bullying.I had hours of him berating him and belittling me before offering a deal I couldn't accept as not even legal minimum.if he hides assets you will know but he will just lie infront of mediator.

However mediation is a requirement before court, unless DV.My solicitor advised to issue court proceeding as then there is an onerous on him to declare assets and it's legally binding.Mediation is voluntary.

My stbxh did move out but a friend is living with her ex through the process and it's hell'ish and damaging for the children.

Do you fear violence?

Not physical, but verbal aggression yes and god knows what kind of manipulation.

I guess I can only take it one step at a time.

Did you issue court proceedings straight away hermonie? My solicitor said the same thing as yours but it seems like a massive step to take in the first instance, and while living together .

Were you happy with your settlement in the end hermonie? Do you have dc? Are you happy with the amount of time you get to be with them etc...

he has brainwashed you into believing it

maybe, yes.

As previous posters suggested, make sure you have copies of anything related to finances, including tax returns, before you give him any papers or solicitors' letters. If you don't have a friend or relative who can keep them for you, open a safety deposit box at your bank and put them there.

It's a tactic.

If you can't leave without his blessing or his approval then you can't leave can you!

Think about what he really has the power to prevent you doing. Write it down. Can he stop you getting the ball rolling? Can he stop you contacting a solicitor to initiate a divorce? or, will his reaction just make you feel excruciatingly uncomfortable? Separate very clearly in your head what power he has and has not got. He will have some power and plenty of rights so be clear in your head what he can really prevent you from doing. It will make things clearer.

I think you are a people pleaser and he is a disapprover. You're seeking his approval in order to feel comfortable but it will never really come, not for more than short bursts, occasionally.

Ride out the discomfort of displeasing him by going ahead with your plans even though he disapproves.

Yes more than likely I am a people pleaser and he is definitely a critical disapprover! No he can't stop me doing the things I need to do, but the fall out is going to be very emotionally painful for me I think.

If you can't leave without his blessing or his approval then you can't leave can you! - why would he want us to stay together when he clearly doesn't love me?

You need to abandon any ideas of this being an amicable separation - your H can't even be decent with you before you've started divorce proceedings let alone after. Mediation will just buy him some more time to screw you over.

You don't need his permission or agreement to push things forward - just do it.

it's not about love. You needing his approval (and you do) before you can make a decision feeds his ego.

Being a disapproving critical arsehole is an excellent way of temporarily inflating his ego. It makes him feel in charge of you.
He is the boss of you. You need his approval and he disapproves.
Bingo. And he's a taker and you're a giver. It works well for him.

Don't try and untangle his psyche for now. Just be clear in your head that you do not need his permission to leave a marriage. You don't need a water tight case that would stand up in court. He is not the cross examining barrister who will '''prove'' that you don't have the right to leave him.

You do have the right to end the marriage whether he likes it or not. Know that much in your head for now.

Obviously the fall-out will be horrendous. I've been through it, as I'm sure you can guess. It's worth it. It reaches critical mass and then it implodes and they do eventually give up if you stop looking to them for approval.

How do you live in the same home, with the kids witnessing all of it as well, while it is imploding? Already my dc have learned nothing good about relationships, which is one of the reasons I want this marriage to end. I am worried that they are damaged forever as the older two are not especially nice sometimes, and I am sure this is partly because they have witnessed the not nice dynamic between H and I. How much more damage is a divorce going to do (not that that's not a reason to do it - I am going to do it)?

The best way to get through this is to stop defending yourself.

Whatever he accuses you of agree with it. Cold? Ruthless? Breaking up the family? Selfish? Impetuous? Lazy? Incompetent?

Say yes! I am cold, yes I am a bitch, yes I am ruthless, yes I am breaking up the family.

Don't do what I did and waste two years defending myself. I took all of charges as though they were from the CPS and I defended myself as though there was a conviction riding on it. Ha, I wasted my time, I put myself up in the dock. He was one person and that is all. I had not broken any law. He did not contrary to what he believed have me over any barrel. Please agree with all the accusations. If he sees that you have stopped trying to please him then he'll stop looking to you to feed his ego. Nothing will release you quicker.

If you continue to seek his approval for ending the marriage then you're feeding the same dysfunctional dynamic. He will LOVE it. Oh my God the brilliant arguments he will have with you over this issue!

Deny him that juicy pleasure. No matter WHAT he accuses you of, shrug and say ''that's how you feel".

If he tells you that you are a cold, ruthless, selfish, wicked, homewrecking, lazy imbecile tell him that he deserves a fresh start with somebody new.

Thanks Gin - yes no doubt he will call me lazy and incompetent and I think manipulate things to look as if in that case he and the kids will be together and I will be "somewhere else" (this is very painful for me and he knows it). Are you happy with the settlement/arrangements that you got?

thefalloutwillbeawful You just have to sacrifice any peace and any content moment in the short term. I know it's hard when you're generally miserable and just living for the quiet moments here or there when you can take a minutes pleasure in a quiet life but you have to sacrifice those fake-content moments for freedom.

I got free. The fall out was awful, but I didn't handle it as well as I could have.

tell him that he deserves a fresh start with somebody new

I think the thing which scares me most is being incredibly saddened by the losses that are going to happen. When he takes the kids away on holiday and I am no longer part of that unit, things like that, incredibly painful.

ps, I've always told my dc that if somebody is unhappy in a relationship they have the right to leave.

my x was obsessed with this notion that the dc would 'know the truth' one day and that used to terrify me, but now that a lot of time has passed I will just say so what's the truth, I left you? yeh. If he says I'm selfish and ruthless and a bitch I'll say I left because he didn't have a good opinion of me.