Why is my husband ignoring me when I say that I want to separate and get divorced?

[thefalloutwillbeawful]

It's not that I want to, it's that, for lots of reasons (mainly connected to his behaviour), there is no other choice.

We have been estranged, in the house, since last year. We do not communicate at all (he is too scary to talk to about anything important as he quickly starts shouting and in any case only blames) other than occasionally about logistical stuff.

I have sent him two emails saying that we need to get divorced. After the first one he laughed sarcastically. After the second one I rang him asking him if we could talk and he said "you are obviously talking to lots of people, carry on, I am not interested in your stupid games".

So I am now going to be forced to get a solicitor to send him a letter saying that I want to get divorced as amicably as possible, and that I would be open to mediation as a first step. And H is going to hit the roof - and god knows what is going to happen then. But what else can I do? Genuine question.

[Also, I had a horrible stomach bug over the weekend and am still off work today as I am still ill. H was away and did not know - even if he had been here he would have ignored me. This morning (he is back) he rang me to ask if I am at home today - I said yes since I am not well. He did not ask me anything about that and asked if I am going out . I said no and he rang off. So he obviously wanted me to run an errand for him. Ignoring the fact that I am ill and the other massive elephant in the room. Just why??]

I guess part of me thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill. H definitely resents the fact that I talked about him to other people. I think that maybe if I hadn't done that and some other things, for example, things would be better.

Yes, important not to think too far ahead. It is overwhelming. If anything is teaching me the importance of living in the moment it's this.

He doesn't want you to have perspective! That's why he is angry you discussed him with other people. Is discussing the cause of your unhappiness just an affront to him?

it's normal to want things to be how they were in the beginning, yes - it's like some unattainable mirage.

- You can do this
- You are strong and capable
- You deserve to be treated well
- You are loved and loveable

Thanks - it's nice to hear things like that.

I guess he is very private and didn't want stuff about him out there. My psychological survival was kind of at stake though. Maybe the mistake I made was to keep things going for this long...

The big step is making that first move.

No point in analysing everything.

Are you unhappy - yes
Will he change - no

Start the divorce. There are assets so you will not be penniless.
If he kicks off send for the police. Every time.
Ignore him except for logistics.
Forget people pleasing.
Any unfair/nasty/abusive behaviour report it to your solicitor.
Enough abusive behaviour you could ask your solicitor that he be removed.
Stand up for yourself, you do not need his approval.
Let him see the worm has turned.

I am a people pleaser / people-oriented, chatty person and I was married to a critical, suspicious man who hated me talking about anything personal to friends.

I so know how you feel, wanting it to be better, remembering the good times and wracking yourself thinking of how you might somehow engineer a return to the happy times.

please understand that highly critical people seek out people pleasers. Because they hook them in very well and the people pleaser then spends their life trying to make the critical person happy. It works very well for the critical person, they sit back and enjoy being cossetted and coddled, all they need do is ensure they never appear satisfied... and the people pleaser will burn themselves out for decades, trying to satisfy.

Don't stay in this cycle. Stop ruminating, stop trying to limit the damage, you simply can't. You need to understand, the threat of damage is how the critical person keeps the people pleaser under control and taking orders. You have to call his bluff, find that peaceful place within yourself, the one that allows control to slip away and relies on their own internal peace to pull themselves and the children through.

I have been there....

I kept the secrets of his behavior for 10+ years... in the end I cracked, like you, I knew I would die eventually (literally) from a broken heart, from pure loneliness and exhaustion, if I didn't call in reinforcements. He was furious. But I didn't have a choice, it was that or die, and in the end, my DC need me and I had to survive.

Thanks LadyB and thestamp, your posts are so helpful, as everyone's have been, thanks to everyone .

Don't stay in this cycle. Stop ruminating, stop trying to limit the damage, you simply can't. You need to understand, the threat of damage is how the critical person keeps the people pleaser under control and taking orders. You have to call his bluff, find that peaceful place within yourself, the one that allows control to slip away and relies on their own internal peace - I found this so moving and eloquent, thank you.

(As the whole of your post was thestamp.)

Is there any possibility you could move out while it goes through?

As long as you register Matrimonial Homes Rights with the Land Registry it shouldn't affect your entitlement to a share of the house. If you want to stay living there it might be different. I'd also check with your solicitor if you can reg MHR on any other properties your H owns. If you know the addresses it's very easy to get copies of the deeds from the Land Reg website for about £3 per property. Filling for MHR is free and requires just filling in a very short, simple firm that you can download from the internet.

I had to do this when I left my STBXH last year as I was terrified of staying in the house once I told him we were finished. He sounds very like your H, including the long term silent treatment and financial control.

As far as the divorce itself goes, you can download all the forms you need and they are largely quite simple to fill in. I've done all of mine myself and just got solicitor to give them a quick once over and clarify anything I was unsure of before sending.

Google 'Help with fees' before you apply and see if you're entitled to any reduction in court application charges. I also work TTO (f/t) so didn't think I'd get much, if any, help so was pleasantly surprised to receive a letter saying I could file my divorce papers for £50 instead of £550!

We're a year on. DD and I are still living with my elderly parents, I've gone from working part time to full time and we're still ploughing through the final stages of divorce and selling the family home as neither of us can afford to buy the other out. STBXH reacted very differently to what I was expecting but it has still been a gruelling and traumatic process.

On the flipside for all the challenges we've faced, I have never regretted my decision. DD is thriving and I am finally in control of my own life and doing things I would never have done whilst with STBXH.

It is hard, but not as hard as living like you are now.

Or, on a more MN note ...

Thanks Pandora

Yes I have thought about the possibility of moving out and the solicitor seems to it would be okay and that she could even get me back in it once divorced, but it's emotionally it's such a massive thing - especially if the kids decide they are not budging at all. It might come to that though I suppose. It's the unknown basically. I am going to apply for the home rights (another thing which H will hit the roof about).

I will look into the possible reduction of court fees. Thanks a lot for your post .

You will get over it. I was in a similar marriage many years ago. When I suggested divorce he told me I'd ruin the children's lives, ignored me, refused to engage, it was a war of attrition.
When I eventually divorced him I felt light and like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Life was so much better and I was so much happier.

No it's probably best not to move out, I agree.

The problem with going through the war of attrition is that I will endlessly have to stick to a decision which I find hard enough anyway.

Same as onemorecup here. Never regretted it for a moment. But thefalloutwillbeawful I completely empathise with you - having to stick to your decision every day is awful when dealing with an abuser. A funny thing happens though, because when you start to force the situation, they hate you even more, and that affirms the action. So when you hear over and over 'you are crazy, you are selfish, you are killing the children, you are a mad bitch' what you are not hearing is 'I love you so much, I can't bear to lose you, please give it another chance, I will change'. You need plenty of support.

when you start to force the situation, they hate you even more, and that affirms the action

Yes - you have actual proof that you are making the right decision.

I guess I have to take that first step and see what happens.

(I'm a bit worried about the support part as I don't think I have all that much to be honest, and the summer holidays are about to start. But I do have to instigate things now as I can't go through the whole summer in this limbo / horrible atmosphere ).

Ask your solicitor about registering your matrimonial home rights! This protects your right to live in the house and means your husband can't sell or remortgage the house.

Spammer reported. Get off this thread you big twat.

I think fallout would rather have a spell to get rid of a problematic man, TYVM

So sorry I didn't see your update with questions.

I am still going through divorce as its a slow process..however I separated in Nov and since then I've had the chance to rebuild my self esteem.I have felt loss for my marriage and sadness for our children but it was not healthy to stay together.

Our h' s seemed very similar, withholding, critical, blaming and uncompromising.
He learnt this from his family and by leaving the marriage I am trying to break the abusive cycle.Its important especially if you have sons.

The petition for divorce will take a while, the courts are busy and you can assume it will be months until you get a decree nisi which is the first stage..effectively a judge agreeing to the reasons to end the marriage.

Time is the only healer for divorce trauma but those if us who have lived in abusive marriages are probadly already traumatised.Emotional abuse affects us deeply and like others I still spend time asking why he behaved as he did.I know I won't get answers.Often we ask why, in the hope we can fix the problem but you can't change another person.That's what you have to accept, he feels more comfortable being abusive rather than loving.

A first letter can be amicable, stating marriage isn't working and separation best for everyone.It could suggest mediation as a first step to resolve finances and suggest this is set up quickly so that matters are concluded as quickly as possible.
Grounds for divorce maybe inflammatory to him but ultimately he is likely to be advised not to cross petition as its usually not worth it.I let my h petition me, thought it would placate him but it didn't.If he petitions you he pays but then you get his list of your unreasonable behaviours...hurtful but ultimately a means to an end and it doesn't affect any financial settlement or child contact.

Usual contact could be every other weekend and 1 night a week.Is he likely to push for more? My H has taken the dc without me on holiday and it hurts but I did get over it.It becomes a new normal and after a while child free time is recovery time.

Without you in the picture your H is likely to reveal himself to the children..he no longer has his whipping boy.My relationship with the children is stronger and I am more fun to be around.

I know how it feels to fear separation but believe that you deserve better.