Why is my husband ignoring me when I say that I want to separate and get divorced?

[thefalloutwillbeawful]

It's not that I want to, it's that, for lots of reasons (mainly connected to his behaviour), there is no other choice.

We have been estranged, in the house, since last year. We do not communicate at all (he is too scary to talk to about anything important as he quickly starts shouting and in any case only blames) other than occasionally about logistical stuff.

I have sent him two emails saying that we need to get divorced. After the first one he laughed sarcastically. After the second one I rang him asking him if we could talk and he said "you are obviously talking to lots of people, carry on, I am not interested in your stupid games".

So I am now going to be forced to get a solicitor to send him a letter saying that I want to get divorced as amicably as possible, and that I would be open to mediation as a first step. And H is going to hit the roof - and god knows what is going to happen then. But what else can I do? Genuine question.

[Also, I had a horrible stomach bug over the weekend and am still off work today as I am still ill. H was away and did not know - even if he had been here he would have ignored me. This morning (he is back) he rang me to ask if I am at home today - I said yes since I am not well. He did not ask me anything about that and asked if I am going out . I said no and he rang off. So he obviously wanted me to run an errand for him. Ignoring the fact that I am ill and the other massive elephant in the room. Just why??]

He doesn't take any responsibility for your relationship at all. His main aim is to obstruct and blame you. It's not that he loves you or wants you. It's just that he wants to obstruct you and has no care for you or your happiness. Mediation is more for normal, caring human beings. I wasted approx £1k on mediation with abusive ex at his insistence, and as soon as it was all signed off, he broke every single agreement. Immediately. It's just another tactic to waste your time and money. It also gives his time to hide your marital assets. It's very very scary to stand up to someone like this. If you have got a good solicitor, just get on with it asap. You will never regret leaving him. Lots of us understand how frightening it is. Have you got emotional support?

I've always told my dc that if somebody is unhappy in a relationship they have the right to leave. I agree completely. I am sure your dc won't agree with him gin, he sounds horrible and your dc will understand how much you didn't deserve to be treated in that way.

I also think, that when thinking ahead to the losses and pain you are anticipating, you massively underestimate how painful your life is now. It's horrendous and joyless to live like this. It's a waste of your life.

Transition is hard. Adjustment is hard. But don't let it stop you from weighing things up and deciding what's right for you.

With a guy like this, even if you are absolutely determined not to defend your decision, even if you meet every character slurr with a shrug and ''that's how you feel'', even if you design some cannot-be-argued-with dripping phrases that cannot be argued with, he will still of course argue with you but ride it out and don't be drawn back in. Don't think that it makes no difference so you might as well defend yourself and reason with him. Has that worked in the past? no! would you say that he enjoys seeing you defend yourself to him? Deny him that.

Don't make the other mistake that I made, I was wary of hurting him so I avoided saying things like

"I don't love you"
"I cannot look forward to a future with you in it"
"this is not what I want any more"

I spent months and months and months going over incidents where he had shown me no consideration no kindness. Situations where he had not compromised, where he had taken advantage of me......... I thought that if I just phrased it right he would say ''oh, ok, you get me with your REASON, you are right I am wrong and I am sorry, you were right to leave me, you had no choice''. Believe me, that will never happen. NEVER.

You have to leave knowing that he will never grant you his blessing. But what will happen is that you will grow to care about that less and less and less until it makes you kind of laugh in pity.

He is goinh to be difficult and aggressive no matter when you file. So surely it is better to get it over and done with?

I agree with Kittybiscuits. Be insistent that mediation is not suitable.

Have you got emotional support? I have a counsellor and a couple of family members at the end of a phone. Some friends here and there, one of whom I go to talk to sometimes, the others it's more sporadic. I've let some friendships run a bit dry recently what with the crisis in my home... I would have to rekindle a lot of friendships but somehow I am completely apathetic about it.

Kitty (and others), is it okay to send the letter saying that I would consider mediation as a first step, hope he doesn't go for it, and then ask the solicitor to file the petition (after about a week let's say?). I think I might feel less traumatised doing it this way.

The other thing is that the summer holidays are starting and there will be no work buffer to protect me and give me some outside perspective (I work term time) - but I feel I do need to get on and do it as the trust between us is so completely gone that anything could be happening without my knowing.

It will be just me and the kids at home, with H when he is not working .

I'm happy now. I'm free. It wasn't easy and I realise now that I played it all wrong. I was geographically free before I was mentally free and that is because I continued to put myself up in the dock for him to mock and berate and sneer at for about two more years after I left. I see that now, I continued to feed his ego because I was still pleading for his approval.

I should have stopped defending myself the MOMENT I left him.

Do you have a member of your family who could come and stay with you to buffer you from the worst of his outrage?

I do accept that I will not get closure from him. I don't think I need it at this point. We literally have not spoken since October of last year apart from the occasional logistical thing or him having a go at me about something .

you massively underestimate how painful your life is now yes I think you are right.

I spent months and months and months going over incidents where he had shown me no consideration no kindness. Situations where he had not compromised, where he had taken advantage of me - it's hard when the other person does not admit any fault, ever. My H has probably never apologised for anything.

No there is no one who could come and stay. I have asked but they are reticent. I wish they would though. I think they fear that it will look to H as if they are taking sides and they don't want to cause offence - the two people I am thinking of are in their 60s and 70s so maybe more old school and formal in that way.

I feel for you. You're in a tough situation. But you can do it, that's all I can say to you. I put up with hours and hours and hours and hours of my x screaming at me. You can get through it. Can you tell the police that you're dreading when he finds out. Tell women's Aid and see if they can offer any advice. It's good to be linked in with the police and WA.

ps, as your confidence in this decision grows you will feel less bad about expecting people to take sides.

I had every right to leave my x and if anybody was reticent coming forward in their support of me, well at the time, it upset me, but now lookign back I think less of them.

Is it your parents? They should feel absolutely no qualms about taking sides.

A petition straight away might be more than I can handle too. Everything feels so tragic.

It's one of my parents and another extended family member. To be fair they do both live far away.

Is it okay to take the kids away on my own for a bit this summer? That will also cause ructions as the little one will say that I didn't want D along.

Basically it will be hell,

I would take them away if you can. Does your parent realise how bad it is?

Be honest with your little one. Say that Daddy treats mummy like an incompetent employee and mummy is far from incompetent, but she is very unhappy and would prefer to live without Daddy.

For years my dc understood that their father treated them better than he treated me. I always made sure that they understood that, because if they didn't understand that and believe it then nothing would have made sense.

Does it not feel more tragic the longer you draw it out?

Drawing it out doesn't reduce the pain, do you understand that? It actually makes it worse, much worse.

You can't avoid the pain. It has to happen, anticipating it and dreading it is, actually, worse than just pushing forward.

Yes he does. He does support me. He would feel embarrassed to be here in the middle of the awful atmosphere though.

The dc do know H treats me worse than he treats them. The little one came out with "oh but he's nice to you when Grandpa's around" the other day. Just tragic.

I guess a lot of it is about me facing the end of the marriage and every loss that this involves, and it's hard.

Yes, I agree thestamp, at this point I have probably drawn out the pain for too long, for everyone.

It's something about wanting it to work between us (but it doesn't), and his feeling so very familiar. Also a sense of security in some way (even though in lots of ways I don't trust him so....).

How do people get over the trauma of divorce? Do they get over it?

I think it is traumatic for a while and there is no way you can make a life change this big without feeling traumatised. But you get one life, and to quote the red hot chilli peppers, this life is more than just a read through.

So when you really grasp that horror, it makes you accept the 'trauma'.

Ps, so your little one knows already. :-/

IN answer to your question though, yes you can get over this and you will if you work at it!

I spent a long time researching narcissistic personality disorder which was a diversion. The issue I should have been addressing was my own low self-esteem and why I was attracted to the dynamic in the first place. Now, I am glad that it was as bad as it was. If it had only been a little bit crap in an average way, I'd still be there. It had to be horrendous before I left, but I feel like I have a lot more strength and wisdom about human behaviour now, I have a lot of insight in to why I lived with it for as long as I did, I forgive myself, I know myself, I'm still living and learning but I feel like a totally different person from the one who did not walk away from that angry blaming man the first time he revealed himself to me. I'm over it, I'm happy, I'm financially stable if not flush! and my kids respect me. My son knows I'm competent. He has watched me assemble a bed from ikea that had a symbol of two people on it. With a little help from him I did it. He knows I am competent and he never doubts that I will arrange everything. If I lived with his father still, I'd have a stutter, my self-esteem would be in the gutter instead of the healthy place it is now.

One step at a time. You can get over this. You can be happy and your children can be happy and secure. Things will calm down.

Don't overwhelm yourself thinking too many steps ahead.

gin you sound so lovely and you have been so lovely to me on this thread . I listen to your description of your H and I think maybe I am inventing the things I find difficult about mine... Anyway, it doesn't have to be the same. Yes the kids' respect is so important.

I guess I am worried that I might miss him. Or I will miss the memory of when things were better between us, or the better moments of the "cycle". Real intimacy hasn't existed for years between us however. I know he has a good side, I just can't live with the short tempered, uncompromising, controlling and critical side... And unaffectionate...