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Relationships

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Original poster

How do I get past that he doesn't want me to move there?

75 replies

CursedLove · 10/07/2017 07:21

We've been together almost a year and a half, it's been amazing and we are so in love.

The only problem with it is that we live 40 miles apart.

He has lived there his whole life, had close family, friends owns his house and works a very short commute away.
It's a lovely town.
I've only lived where I live for 5 years, my family are an hour away (they are actually closer to his town)
I only have a couple of friends here, I rent and hate the house and I don't really like the town or the schools that much here.

Before I met him I was thinking about moving anyway.

We spend every weekend together but can't see each other during the week, it takes a good 45-50 minutes to drive from him to me, and in a work night that's just too much driving.
I don't drive and to get there it means taking two busses and takes 1 hour and 45 minutes.

I'd been talking for a while about moving closer to him, I'd looked at schools and I've been looking at houses in various places.
I did think about moving to a town close by but not there, but then realised it would be easier just to move there, when we eventually move in together he will want to get somewhere there, so if we are already there it'll just be easier, plus I like it there.

My dc is going into year 6 in September, so it seems like a good time to move.

By chance someone I know put me in contact with a private landlord in the town, she has a house that is available next month and had basically said if I wanted it it's mine, I went to view it on Friday and lived it.

I told dp about it but he seemed less than enthusiastic and he eventually told me that he thought me moving there was a big step and he wasn't sure it was the right time.
He hadn't realised I was planning on moving so soon and he is worried I'll be leaving a place where we are established, leaving friends and everything to move there just for him, what I feel it changes things, what if dc hates it and doesn't settle, what if I'm miserable there, what if we end up regretting it, what if......

He doesn't think we should move there.

Honestly it completely floored me.
I thought he knew the plan was always to move this summer.
It's the perfect time with DCs school.
He thinks it would be better to wait until next year when dc is going up to secondary school.

I'm a little bit heartbroken.
I feel so rejected.
I don't know if we will ever find another house like that one, it was perfect and cheaper that the market rent and the landlord was lovely.
I thought moving closer would help move our relationship forward, it's perfect at the moment but we can't really progress being so far apart, he doesn't think we need change, since things are perfect as they are and we are happy.

I don't know how to move past this, I just feel so stupid.
I am desperate to move and we've told everyone that we are moving, I was so excited.
I don't want to stay here.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

sofreakingtired · 10/07/2017 07:25

If you really do like it that much and it's not all for him then move anyway. Things may not work out with this guy anyway, he maybe feels that you're only moving for him. Make it clear that you're not.

dudsville · 10/07/2017 07:26

That's a sad situation. You'd put all your hope into this next step and he's coauthor feeling the pressure of that asks isn't sure yet. If I were in your shoes I'd be thinking about him and whether I wanted to wait for him to become certain. In the meantime is be looking at job opportunities in other towns that interest me and considering moving ahead worth the plan to move anyway.

Ragwort · 10/07/2017 07:27

If you really like the area and there are appropriate opportunities there - work, school, transport to our own family etc then there is no reason why you can't move there anyway - regardless of the fact that you hope it will improve things with your boyfriend.

He may be feeling it is too soon to get so serious, particularly if you have DC. How would you feel about living in that town and the relationship ending?

Temporaryanonymity · 10/07/2017 07:27

You don't need his permission.

Onedayoneday · 10/07/2017 07:32

I think it's risky to move under those circumstances as you have a child going into year 6. That is a key year for assessments and transition to secondary school etc. and would be very disruptive.

Is there a risk your relationship would end if you moved? Would you be happy there as a single parent?

You could do as he suggests and defer it a year. Then you know where you are with your relationship.

Sorry but it seems as if you are keener than him and I would be very wary now.

sofato5miles · 10/07/2017 07:33

If you prefer the schools and town. Move. Sod him, you may break up or not but your overall my e could be happier. Is your workplace near?

Shiftymake · 10/07/2017 07:37

This is your life, your choice. He has no say on where you live or how you live it. If you were trying to force your way into his house then he has a say but this isn't the case. Move there as it better suits you and your situation.

TheNaze73 · 10/07/2017 07:39

Ultimately, it's your call & you've got to do what is right for you.

However, everyone moves at different speeds & after only 18 months I would be as reluctant as him. He's seeing this more about your relationship than, your living circumstances.

Don't be surprised if you do it & he back peddles in your relationship. Neither of you would be doing anything wrong, we are just all different.

Onedayoneday · 10/07/2017 07:44

How does your child feel about moving? How settled are they in school? How do the secondary schools compare? I would do your research carefully first and base it on your child's needs. What you wouldn't want is for your relationship to break down when you move and then you have to move again.

Original poster

CursedLove · 10/07/2017 07:45

I forgot to add that I commute to work anyway, his town is actually closer and will halve my commute time.

I know that I don't need his permission/ agreement but I can't move there if he doesn't want me to.

I guess I hadn't really considered all of the negatives he is dwelling on so much, I saw the move as being a positive thing for dc and I not just for our relationship.

I told him that I actually don't want to be spending a lot more time together, maybe a dinner or an evening or two during the week but certainly not most nights. I'm not ready for that.
I just want to be closer so that if we do want to see each other we can.
And dc and he can work on building a relationship between them.

As for living in the town if the relationship ended... I guess it would depend how soon, if I moved there and we split, before we had settled or made any friends I would probably move somewhere else, I wouldn't want to be bumping into him and his family if we weren't together.
But if it was a year down the line and we were settled I don't think it would be an issue, it's a nice town with good amenities.

That's entirely the issue though, he thinks we are just moving there for him, where as I see it that we are moving anyway, so may as well move closer to him.

OP posts:

Suewiang · 10/07/2017 07:46

Probably he dosent want you to find out lots about him which you will if live in the town he's from,lots of hidden secrets and maybe his weekday gf,as you say he comes to you weekends so you probably only know mostly what he's told you about his life in his own town.

PurpleWithRed · 10/07/2017 07:49

How would you feel if you moved there and the relationship ended? TBH it sounds as though he might want less out of your relationship than you do. Currently he's completely in control - he has a great weekend relationship but is free to do his own thing during the week and as you can't drive and have DC you're not in a position to change that. If you'e on the doorstep then you're going to be more around, he may get more involved with weekday DC arrangements etc, and his cosy lifestyle is going to be a bit hampered. Only move there if you'd be happier there than where you are even if you're not going out with him.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/07/2017 07:53

What does his wife think about it?

Original poster

CursedLove · 10/07/2017 07:53

Dc is sad about leaving their friends but looking forward to a new school and new house and meeting new people.
There as been a bit of bullying at this school for him so I think a new school and some new friends will be good for him.

I've done a lot of research, the schools are better there.

I think it's risky to move under those circumstances as you have a child going into year 6. That is a key year for assessments and transition to secondary school etc. and would be very disruptive.

That's exactly why I thought moving now was the perfect time, we can't move next summer or mid year as it will be too disruptive and if we wait until next summer he will have missed out of all of the pre transition things and will not have made any friends to go up with.

If we don't move now I don't think we will be moving for a few years as it won't be fair on dc.

OP posts:

Original poster

CursedLove · 10/07/2017 07:57

Absolutely not the case at all.
I actually spend every weekend at his house, we spend all school holidays there and spent Christmas there.
We have a great relationship with his family and there are no secrets.

OP posts:

Kardashianlove · 10/07/2017 07:59

I think year 6 is a really bad time to move. Your DS will have to try and settle in established friendship groups then move again to secondary. It's a lot of big changes for him in a relatively short time.
I would wait until he starts secondary.

Agree with oneday, do your research based on schools/your DS.
Would you consider moving near to your work?

Really sorry to ask this but have you considered he is maybe in a relationship with someone else? His response seems quite panicked. Sorry if this is not the case at all.

CatSittingMonkey · 10/07/2017 07:59

I know this is easy for me to say but just do it.

This move sounds like it has loads of pros for you and your DC.

If he doesn't like it, tough. You've got to do what's best and right for you.

Never let someone else dictate that for you.

MrsExpo · 10/07/2017 08:02

Just move, for all the other reasons you've stated (nicer house, nearer work and family, nicer town to live in etc). You can still continue seeing him just at weekends and see how it goes. As for the possibility that you may split but keep seeing him around .... well, loads of people still live in the same town as former partners. That's life. Just be civilised about it. Get moving and enjoy your new home.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 10/07/2017 08:05

You seem to have made up your mind to move and have certainly researched the area and found a property ... did you. It speak to him whilst you were looking into everything? Is this why it seems a shock to him?

You seem to be accelerating down a motorway alone at the moment e.g. He will be able to start forging a stronger relationship with your DC. Has he said he wants to do this now?

You do need to consider how you would feel if you broke up a month after moving .... that will be the answer to whether you are moving for him or would have considered the area anyway since it is closer to your work and better schools etc.

Original poster

CursedLove · 10/07/2017 08:07

We have talked about the future and he does want a proper future together but I think you have hit the nail on the head when you said "he has a great weekend relationship but is free to do his own thing during the week" and "If you'e on the doorstep then you're going to be more around, he may get more involved with weekday DC arrangements etc, and his cosy lifestyle is going to be a bit hampered"
I think that's a lot to do with how he is feeling.

But I don't expect that. I want to move so that eventually we can work towards being more involved in each other's lives and with dc but I don't want that straight away.

OP posts:

FeetFeelFoul · 10/07/2017 08:08

I would be questioning the relationship to be honest. He clearly doesn't want the same from it as you do. It's not a big step, it's not moving in together. He doesn't even want you to live in the same town?? What?!

You've put 18 months into the relationship. I have been in situations where I've been in a relationship this long and it's become clear that we don't want the same things or the same level of commitment. You have to think about whether or not its time to cut your losses.

Finola1step · 10/07/2017 08:13

If you are going to move, this is the time to do it. You need to be in the area to apply for secondary schools. No brainer there.

You could shift this to thinking that the move means less driving time but doesn't mean that either of you have to change your week routine.

Go for it. Let the dust settle and take it from there.

Original poster

CursedLove · 10/07/2017 08:13

I did speak to him but he didn't realise I was going to move so soon, the fact that I was focused more on secondary schools and things made him think I was wanting to move next year.

You seem to be accelerating down a motorway alone at the moment e.g. He will be able to start forging a stronger relationship with your DC. Has he said he wants to do this now?

Yes, we've been working on them building a relationship for the last few months, doing more things together and the two of them doing activities together so that they can build a strong lasting relationship.
He has said many times that he wants it to be the three of us and he wants us to be a family, we've not rushed it, we are talking it slow and are working to build a strong relationship between the three of us.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 10/07/2017 08:17

I feel like you havent involved him in the decision. If l was him l would feel a bit overwhelmed and think l had no choice in the situation. If it was only you that wouldnt be too bad but l can see that he feels responsible now to make everything work out as your ds is involved. These decisions need to be made together.
Try and put yourself in his shoes.

WannaBe · 10/07/2017 08:27

Tbh I do think that if you make any kind of move then it should be for you and your DC's, and I can see that this is how you're thinking and that moving to his town is the logical step given that you're in a relationship etc rather than it being seen as the reason. However, this struck me:

"And dc and he can work on building a relationship between them." is this an issue? I'm getting from your posts that he doesn't have any children of his own, do you think that there is a potential difference between your expectations wrt his relationship to your DC, and that for him the idea of needing to build a closer relationship with your DC is causing some panic perhaps?

It's a lot to take on someone else's children, it's even harder if you don't have any of your own, and it's possible that while he currently has a convenient weekend relationship with you, a relationship where you are around during the week as well, and where your children live in the same town as well and will soon be travelling independently etc so could bump into him in the street/turn up on his doorstep if they so chose is causing him to do a double take.

Also, if you feel that you would move again if the relationship broke down then it does seem that your motivation is more about the relationship and bringing it to the next level rather than actually doing what is best for you and the DC. You need to sit down and have a conversation about where your relationship is heading in the foreseeable future and in the medium to long term. if the thought of you moving close to him is causing him to panic is he having second thoughts? And if he is then he needs to tel you now rather than at a point where you start making plans for the future and have the rug pulled out from under you as has happened this weekend.

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