How do I get past that he doesn't want me to move there?

[CursedLove]

We've been together almost a year and a half, it's been amazing and we are so in love.

The only problem with it is that we live 40 miles apart.

He has lived there his whole life, had close family, friends owns his house and works a very short commute away.
It's a lovely town.
I've only lived where I live for 5 years, my family are an hour away (they are actually closer to his town)
I only have a couple of friends here, I rent and hate the house and I don't really like the town or the schools that much here.

Before I met him I was thinking about moving anyway.

We spend every weekend together but can't see each other during the week, it takes a good 45-50 minutes to drive from him to me, and in a work night that's just too much driving.
I don't drive and to get there it means taking two busses and takes 1 hour and 45 minutes.

I'd been talking for a while about moving closer to him, I'd looked at schools and I've been looking at houses in various places.
I did think about moving to a town close by but not there, but then realised it would be easier just to move there, when we eventually move in together he will want to get somewhere there, so if we are already there it'll just be easier, plus I like it there.

My dc is going into year 6 in September, so it seems like a good time to move.

By chance someone I know put me in contact with a private landlord in the town, she has a house that is available next month and had basically said if I wanted it it's mine, I went to view it on Friday and lived it.

I told dp about it but he seemed less than enthusiastic and he eventually told me that he thought me moving there was a big step and he wasn't sure it was the right time.
He hadn't realised I was planning on moving so soon and he is worried I'll be leaving a place where we are established, leaving friends and everything to move there just for him, what I feel it changes things, what if dc hates it and doesn't settle, what if I'm miserable there, what if we end up regretting it, what if......

He doesn't think we should move there.

Honestly it completely floored me.
I thought he knew the plan was always to move this summer.
It's the perfect time with DCs school.
He thinks it would be better to wait until next year when dc is going up to secondary school.

I'm a little bit heartbroken.
I feel so rejected.
I don't know if we will ever find another house like that one, it was perfect and cheaper that the market rent and the landlord was lovely.
I thought moving closer would help move our relationship forward, it's perfect at the moment but we can't really progress being so far apart, he doesn't think we need change, since things are perfect as they are and we are happy.

I don't know how to move past this, I just feel so stupid.
I am desperate to move and we've told everyone that we are moving, I was so excited.
I don't want to stay here.

I don't know what to do.

I think moving there could cause problems in the relationship and possibly cause the op some more unhappiness. I would hold fire. He may resent her for it.

Op, if you read your posts you will see how they are very contradictory. He wants to be a family with you, yet he doesn't want change and thinks you're happy as you are. Do you see the contradiction there? You wish to progress, but he thinks it's perfect as it is. You think he wants to be a family, but he's worried the relationship will end and you'll regret the move.

You thought he knew you were moving now, but he says he didn't know. How could he not know, were you not showing him houses etc where you would live? Discussing dates? If he would help with the move, what weekend to keep available to do the move? That you were filling in school applications? How could he not know? Unless you weren't clear.

you say you don't want more from him now, but maybe see each other during the week once, but I think you did want more now, progressing it means more than just the occasional once a week meet up.

I think you've jumped the gun here. People telling you to move are looking at making this all about the move, whilst really it's all about your relationship.

I had looked at various towns around the county, nowhere specific really, I was just looking for a nice house near good schools.
I may have considered the town anyway had I not met him.

I think he got confused about the timescale purely because he doesn't know how the system works, he wouldn't have considered secondary transition and making friends to go up to secondary school with, he assumed since I was looking at secondary schools I wasn't going to move until dc started secondary next year.

I won't move there if he doesn't want me there, despite how perfect the house was.
I still want to move though so I'm going to start looking elsewhere.

Oh that's a shame and disappointing for you. At least you will be putting the needs of you and your son first.

But you need to move soon to apply for secondary schools from a local address. Now would be the perfect time for your DC (as long as there is a place in a suitable primary school for September). Your DC will make friends to move to secondary with. Your DP hadn't actually given this as much thought as he says he has.

I feel like you havent involved him in the decision

But it's not his decision?! OP is making a move that's right for her family, and which she hopes will benefit the relationship if it works out. She's not moving in with him?!

OP, I agree this has obviously flagged up some misunderstandings somewhere in your relationship - but continue to do what feels right for you and your DC (be that move or stay) unless you're moving in together, your partner doesn't really get a say.

Did you and your DP both agree on this move? It doesn't sound like it.

From your posts it sounds like you have gotten carried away and your DP had been a bit blind sided.

I agree with your DP. It has only been a year. To move your children from their home, school and friends seems a little premature.

I think you should hold off until it's when you both completely want this move to happen.

If it's that perfect a place to move to, why would you not move there on his say-so?
I can understand his panic, but you need to separate the two things. If it's genuinely a good move for you and ds, then that hasn't changed. Is it?

If you honestly think it's the best move, then do it anyway and agree with your boyfriend that actually you will stay at the same level of contact you have now, so just weekends, and not move the relationship up a gear. And stick to that and let him make any initiative to progress things. I expect that would be a real struggle for you, but it seems daft if this is the ideal time and ideal move for you, to give it up for a relationship.

I think it's better to move like you've planned so it gives your child a chance to get to know kids before secondary school.

I would sit down with him and tell him that you're moving somewhere better, closer to your work and family and once you move you won't move again until your DC finishes secondary school. Tell him that his town is lovely but there are other choices. It would make sense to move to his town and you'd be happy there regardless of whether the relationship continued but if he's really strongly opposed to it, and would rather they moved to another town then I think you'd have to reconsider your relationship.

Op do what is best for you and your children.

I think it's a real shame that you are not going to move to the perfect house in the perfect place because somehow he hasn't understood what you had been telling him.

Have a chat with him. Separate the issue of moving and the one of moving in with him.
It's not because you will be closer to each other that you have to see a each other more.

Put yourself and your dc first rather than putting him first (and giving a power that he doesn't want)

But it's not his decision?! OP is making a move that's right for her family, and which she hopes will benefit the relationship if it works out. She's not moving in with him?!

This is exactly it.
I'm not planning on moving into his house, or even onto his street, in fact it's the other end of the town.

I have been planning on moving for over two years, when I met dp I put that on hold but now seems the best time to move.
I have been looking around the area and just thought his town makes sense, it has everything I want and he is there, we will hopefully be moving in together in a few years so if we are already in the town it will be less disruptive for dc if he doesn't need to move schools again.

Sounds pretty sensible to me.

As in most things relationshippy, maybe it just comes down to good communication between you two.

You're not on the same timetable and despite his talk, I wonder if your on the same page. He sounds like one of those people who talk a very good talk, especially when they believe that doing the walk, is something that won't be expected of them for the foreseeable future.

He has you're relationship right where he wants it and doesn't sound like he wants the responsibility/ intrusion that you moving closer would bring. Hypothetically, you want the same things but only one of you is ready to make that a reality. It's time to have a honest conversation, where he explains his concerns because he clearly doesn't feel comfortable with the realities of your discussions. I personally, would be very reluctant to move to a place where clearly I wasn't wanted and would have to seriously rethink a relationship where all of a sudden, I wasn't on same page as my partner.

Please don't turn down a good rented house etc just because of your partner. Accept it will stay a weekend relationship for many years to come!

I don't see why the OP should have involved him in the decision to move to his town if she genuinely is moving there for her DC rather than for the relationship.

Having said that, if he's been talking about wanting them to "be a family," I equally don't see why it should matter if she's going to live in his town given that she hasn't suddenly announced that she'll be moving into his house. Does that mean that if an opportunity came up for her to pop over during the week for instance, or if she'd originally lived closer, that he wouldn't have got involved?

I absolutely can see that he might feel responsible for the OP moving there and feel responsible for the DS if the relationship were to end, I can also see that there would be an element of fear involved due to there being a child in the equation.

But his talk of wanting to ultimately be a family just doesn't tally with the realisation that the OP is suddenly going to be living closer, even if that doesn't necessarily have to have a bearing on the relationship. And his fear over the OP being closer doesn't tally with wanting to be a family.

If the OP were giving things up to be closer to him e.g. Quitting her job to move to a different one/selling a house etc then this would make a lot more sense. But she isn't, and a move to this town is actually of great benefit to her, and now he's put the breaks on and said no.

I would actually be questioning the relationship over this, because actually, it's clear that a full time relationship isn' what he wants and that a casual, weekends only relationship is it for him.

It's not all about him - I would move, the new place you have planned sounds great. And Y to doing Y6 in new area.

Whether your relationship survives or not is another question - but the move has so many positives for you, I'd go for it.

You don't need his permission. And if he breaks up with you over this, well sorry but he was never a keeper in the first place.

And just to add that if he possibly isn't thinking that this isn't the relationship he wants and that he's just acting out of fear, then he still needs to be told that his reaction comes across as his saying that this isn't what he wants.

FWIW I had a similar-ish experience a few months ago. Have been in a long term relationship with DP for over four years now. Wanted to move to be together but A, not possible for me to move due to DC's schooling and relationship with eXH and almost impossible for DP to get a job here as he works in a very niche environment the skills for which are not replicable elsewhere, and the fact he is VI meaning that opportunities are limited anyway.

So a conversation came up about DP starting his own business in a different field - something he's done before. Conversation came up as a result of a friend encountering someone working in the field and it transpiring that there's a lot more work than we realised in this particular field. Conversations followed, encouraging DP to look at the other person's website/get in touch for a chat/see how the land lies. No talk of him giving up his job or anything as that's just not practical but talk at least of investigating the possibilities around this business idea.

And the more we had the conversation, the more DP seemed to back off, become snappy, reluctant, and it all came to a head when he snapped at me over something completely trivial which should never have even been an issue. Completely shocked me and friend who was there at the time because dp's reaction had been so disproportionate.

So at that point I backed off completely. Said that it was incredibly clear that moving here and setting up a business wasn't what he wants given his response to me just talking vaguely about things. That I was sory for assuming that he would want to live here and for clearly pushing things in a direction he didn't want to go in, and that he needed to think about what he wanted but that I wouldn't be suggesting anything along those lines again.

He was because most of his response had been based around fear of what if the business fails and he doesn't make it down here etc. Well, if the business fails then it fails. He's doing it at weekends anyway as his dayjob keeps him busy during the week andd giving that up at this point isn't practical for anyone, but that if he doesn't try then it's already failed because he won't have tried - iyswim.

He's since investigated the possibilities and the business is coming along slowly but surely. Nowhere near a point of being able to move here yet but that was never going to be a snap decision anyway.

And now he's sorry that he didn't start that kind of business sooner. and although I'm involved to the point of doing his admin/managing the financial side of the business/doing the general secretarial type stuff, He's done all the rest himself with no pressure from me on that score. .

But you need to have the blunt conversation with your DP about how his response makes it look as if he's not interested in a long term relationship with you.

Have you explained to him that the move has benefits for your commute and your son?
Does he understand that?

I ask because he's reminding me of an ex (or two...) who somehow decided every choice I made was connected with him - where I moved to, clothes I bought, travel ideas, even when I said I wanted a tattoo ("If you get my name I'll be so angry!" - I believe my response was, "You sure think a lot of yourself, don't you?"). It was a casual relationship but he found it hard to believe I wasn't about to announce that I was devoted to him and giving up my life for him. Does he see your relationship as more causal than you do? Has he been saying 'what he thinks you want to hear' when discussing the future of things (why do some men do that??)?

If he is of the same type as my ex it could be a red flag - as PPs have said it's not as if he owns the town and you have every right to make choices that benefit you.

I think his reluctance is entirely based on the fear that I'm giving up so much to move there just to be closer to him.
He doesn't see that moving there will positively affect all areas of my life, being closer to him is just an added bonus.

I've decided I'm going to tell him that I will be moving out of this town regardless and see what he says.

Yes he doesnt want to feel responsible for the move because he's not yet in a place where moving closer literally and figuratively was a thing,it was still distant and abstract,which again is fine if you're both on the same page.

I've had this. Not as great a distance though. I had the chance of a better, much closer house. He wasn't happy about the idea, I said I was, he said if I moved it was over. Obviously at that point I knew it was over. I didn't move. I was devastated and just so utterly embarrassed that I had somehow believed he actually cared about me. I still cringe that I thought he cared.

Actually now is the time to move so that you are in the correct area when applying for secondary schools. It will make no difference to your child whether he moves now or then.

Pretty much all they do in year 6 is teach to get good SATS.

Speak to DP again and suggest that after the move there is just weekend visits as now and then eg. one midweeker for 3 months and take it from there. If he still wary then maybe it isn't the relationship you thought.

However if all other reasons - house, school, commute still work for you do it anyway

If you have to reassure your partner that you won't want to see them anymore now that you're only round the corner there's something not right. When it's right, it's right.

Cursed, if this move would have a positive affect on all areas of your life, I would just go for it.

OP I've been in a relationship a similar length of time, and there's a half hour distance between us. We see eachother 3 nights a week, he occasionally joins us on family day trips, and occasionally stays overnight.

It's all going really well, we love eachother, and I absolutely see my future with him. However, if he were to suggest moving to my area I would panic. I couldn't bear the responsibility of his happiness, having uprooted himself from his familiar life.

Maybe your DP feels the same. If I were you I'd move anyway - for all the reasons you've stated - and reassure him that you have many other reasons for moving, not just him. And make sure you mean it!

Reminds me of an ex - he was visibly anxious any time I mentioned plans (which existed before I knew him), to move to his area - could not believe it wasn't all about him. And once, my 4yo gave me a soft toy he bought at the school fair; boyfriend saw it lying around, and had to confront me for 'a talk' because he assumed I was going to give it to him, and he didn't like the idea...why did I persist with that so long !?