Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get past that he doesn't want me to move there?

75 replies

CursedLove · 10/07/2017 07:21

We've been together almost a year and a half, it's been amazing and we are so in love.

The only problem with it is that we live 40 miles apart.

He has lived there his whole life, had close family, friends owns his house and works a very short commute away.
It's a lovely town.
I've only lived where I live for 5 years, my family are an hour away (they are actually closer to his town)
I only have a couple of friends here, I rent and hate the house and I don't really like the town or the schools that much here.

Before I met him I was thinking about moving anyway.

We spend every weekend together but can't see each other during the week, it takes a good 45-50 minutes to drive from him to me, and in a work night that's just too much driving.
I don't drive and to get there it means taking two busses and takes 1 hour and 45 minutes.

I'd been talking for a while about moving closer to him, I'd looked at schools and I've been looking at houses in various places.
I did think about moving to a town close by but not there, but then realised it would be easier just to move there, when we eventually move in together he will want to get somewhere there, so if we are already there it'll just be easier, plus I like it there.

My dc is going into year 6 in September, so it seems like a good time to move.

By chance someone I know put me in contact with a private landlord in the town, she has a house that is available next month and had basically said if I wanted it it's mine, I went to view it on Friday and lived it.

I told dp about it but he seemed less than enthusiastic and he eventually told me that he thought me moving there was a big step and he wasn't sure it was the right time.
He hadn't realised I was planning on moving so soon and he is worried I'll be leaving a place where we are established, leaving friends and everything to move there just for him, what I feel it changes things, what if dc hates it and doesn't settle, what if I'm miserable there, what if we end up regretting it, what if......

He doesn't think we should move there.

Honestly it completely floored me.
I thought he knew the plan was always to move this summer.
It's the perfect time with DCs school.
He thinks it would be better to wait until next year when dc is going up to secondary school.

I'm a little bit heartbroken.
I feel so rejected.
I don't know if we will ever find another house like that one, it was perfect and cheaper that the market rent and the landlord was lovely.
I thought moving closer would help move our relationship forward, it's perfect at the moment but we can't really progress being so far apart, he doesn't think we need change, since things are perfect as they are and we are happy.

I don't know how to move past this, I just feel so stupid.
I am desperate to move and we've told everyone that we are moving, I was so excited.
I don't want to stay here.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
SallyGinnamon · 10/07/2017 08:28

It sounds like it would be a good move with or without him. And I think Y6 is a good time to move as DC get to know people before going into secondary and as you said, benefit from the transition stuff that schools do.

I'll echo what others have said about your DP having the best of both worlds as he's free to do what he wants during the week but has a GF at weekends. My now DH was the same. I moved for a job in London just after we met so we had a long distance relationship for a while.

If it's made clear that there's no pressure as you'll be busy with DC midweek and it'd be lovely to see him at weekends as usual it should be fine. Spell out that you're likely to move closer to work and for better schools regardless, then do it!

Onedayoneday · 10/07/2017 08:29

I do get your perspective re timing of schools etc but it's a year early for him.

Original poster
CursedLove · 10/07/2017 09:05

^I feel like you havent involved him in the decision. If l was him l would feel a bit overwhelmed and think l had no choice in the situation. If it was only you that wouldnt be too bad but l can see that he feels responsible now to make everything work out as your ds is involved. These decisions need to be made together.
Try and put yourself in his shoes.^

I think that is how he feels.
But I thought I had included him, we talk constantly about how naff it is that we live so far apart and how good it will be when we live closer.
I've talked to him about the schools and we've talked about the town and what's there for dc, clubs and parks things he can do when he gets a bit older.
I told him I was planning to move during the holidays as it's the easiest time to move.

OP posts:
Original poster
CursedLove · 10/07/2017 09:07

Realistically wherever we are when dc starts year six is where we will need to be for at least three years.

I definitely don't want to be where I am now for the next three years.

OP posts:
Onedayoneday · 10/07/2017 09:20

Surely you wouldn't want your child to move schools again. To avoid that you're talking more like 7 or 8 years.

Original poster
CursedLove · 10/07/2017 09:21

I only mention building their relationship because they get on fantastically now, it's all fun and games but DP has said that he wants it to be more than fun he wants us to be a family and wants to work on the two of them building a strong bond.
He doesn't just want to be the man DC's mum is with or a stepdad, he wants us to be the three of us and a family.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/07/2017 09:23

Sweetie you've obviously not discussed it properly with him if he didn't understand the timing. It sounds like a high level discussion and not right I'm going to move next month. Why was there confusion, did you deep down know he maybe felt like this so avoided spelling it out to him?

It seems your pushing the relationship faster than he is willing to go. And I think he has a point, you wouldn't be moving to that particular town if it was not for him.

This is also a dodgy year to move your kid. I'd really consider delaying a year...

Bluntness100 · 10/07/2017 09:26

He doesn't just want to be the man DC's mum is with or a stepdad, he wants us to be the three of us and a family

Maybe he was saying ultimately in the long term that's what he would like...

He's clearly not ready for you to take this step.

SleepFreeZone · 10/07/2017 09:29

This is a huge red flag OP

QuiteLikely5 · 10/07/2017 09:30

So tell him you are moving but that there is no expectation from you that the relationship will differ to what it does now.

Did you say above if you weren't with him you would move elsewhere? That's worrying given the signals he is sending out

He is fully aware that if you stay where you are that moving in a year or two would be very disruptive to your son but he does not really care about that.

He is showing a lack of consideration and therefore you should put yourself and your son first

becotide · 10/07/2017 09:31

Year 6 is a dreadful time to move schools, year 7 is so much better - no breaking into established friendship groups, it's new to everyone. Wait a year, it won't hurt you. Let your son finish primary school

FeetFeelFoul · 10/07/2017 09:32

Him not wanting you to even live in the same town as him doesn't sound like he wants the three of you to be a family at any point. Living in the same town as your partner isn't pushing them into taking a big step.

PurplePeppers · 10/07/2017 09:35

Move.
Move for yourself, for your dc and the better school, for the commute that has bee halved for you.

Make it clear that you aren't expecting ANYTHING from him and that things will stand the same between you because you are not moving for him as such but for yourself.
And then see his reaction.
Have more talks with him and moving the relationship along. Have a chat with him to see if his issue is the relationhsip going too fast or if it's because he actually doesnt want to see you that much or if he is just a very pessimistic person who sees all the problems but not the positives. Or if he is actually genuinely worried about you and the effect it would have on you re friends, your dc etc...

What I wouldnt do at this stage is plan your life around him. But nor would it stop myself from moving somewhere better for me just because it happens to be closer to him.
You know you will not stay where you are regardless of your DP. I think you're u need to make that very clear to him.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 10/07/2017 09:36

Do whats best for you and your son in terms of practical day to day living and schools. Why would you even think about not sending your son to a better school?

What will be will be with your boyfriend.

PurplePeppers · 10/07/2017 09:37

Tbh 18 months in my books is NOT too soon to talk about moving together/closer to each other and spend more time together.

The fact he is, in effect, pedalling backwards on that, even though you've talked about it, he knows that you won't be staying where you are etc etc doe st bode well for me.

Which is why it's essential that your move is all about you and your dc rather than him iyswim.

TheVeryThing · 10/07/2017 09:41

I think you need to make the decision based on what is best for you and your dc, and leave him out of the equation.
He doesn't 'own' this town and you don't need his permission to move there.
If you do decide to go, then tell him that you're not moving for him, but for a better quality of life for you and your ds. Obviously, you thought that being able to see him occasionally mid week would be a bonus and you're disappointed he doesn't feel the same way.
Perhaps he was just surprised and needs time to think it through. If he doesn't come round to the idea, I advise taking a step back to focus a bit more on your own life, friendships etc.

user1486956786 · 10/07/2017 09:58

Really harsh comments here, (he's not into you, seeing other women etc). I hope you aren't taking those into consideration.

I think he's actually a bit worried that if you guys didn't work out, he'd feel responsible and guilty for moving you and your child there (even if not the case) and you'd be stuck in town for no reason. Maybe also he feels like you may become dependent on his friends being your friends etc?

Only options are to keep discussing it with him and repeat not moving for him. Are there any other towns closer to him and your work etc but not his town? Have you considered village life close by? 😂 Last one a joke :-)

RebelliousStarChild · 10/07/2017 10:01

'He doesn't just want to be the man DC's mum is with or a stepdad, he wants us to be the three of us and a family.'

Are you sure?
He doesn't even want you to move to the same town so I don't know why you are so certain he actually wants to be a family with you at this point. I think you may have taken a bit if pillow talk and ran too far with it.
He may have these feelings in the background, or see the potential for you to become something more somewhere down the line, but he doesn't want that now or any time soon. He could be taking your decision to move as a passive aggressive way of pushing the relationship forward before he is ready.

SaltySeaDog72 · 10/07/2017 10:01

To be honest it sounds as though he has the best of intentions and is worried about the pace of change, he may feel that he'll end up feeling responsible for a lot of upheaval. Sounds like a good man to me - I would also be concerned in either of your shoes. Nearly 18 months is not that long with dc in the mix.

However talk to him some more and if you feel it works without the 'relationship aspect' then just do it - it's your life - be confident that you and ds have a life in your own right - go for it!

SaltySeaDog72 · 10/07/2017 10:04

I do worry though, OP, that your strong need verging on dependence on his approval on this - perhaps means your relationship isn't as ready for commitment as you think?

In which case definitely move for your own reasons and not for the relationship.

Good luck!

LesisMiserable · 10/07/2017 12:27

Perhaps having a weekend partner who lives at least an hour away suited him well and there's nothing wrong with that. In his shoes I would also feel a bit concerned about a relatively new partner moving their life closer to his, whether he wants that or not. A word of caution, in my last relationship I was madly in love and bought a house around the corner from my then partner and on the same street as his best friends.. yes because it was nearer dc's school but really because it was nearer him and his 'world'. Great at the time. Very awkward when we split and its apparent I am very much on their turf so to speak. Now happily in a relationship with my husband to be who I marry next month, we live 60 miles apart and will continue to do so until my dc goes to uni in two years....it works for us.

museumum · 10/07/2017 12:35

Those saying move for year 7 and not year 6 - how do you apply for schools without a local address?
I thought you had to be in place to have any chance of your nearest school? (Not in England so I don't know?)

ShesNoNormanPace · 10/07/2017 12:50

Why wouldn't you want to move somewhere that has better schools, halves your work commute and is closer to your family? It's perfect timing with yr6/7 - go for it.

Don't move to be close to someone who sounds horrified at the idea.

LesisMiserable · 10/07/2017 12:53

Yes absolutely, did it ever occur to you to move there before you met your boyfriend? If so, do it.

5achel · 10/07/2017 13:07

I don't think it's a massive deal moving to the town he lives in. Its not his town. Its nearer work & family & you love the house. Go for it!

Swipe left for the next trending thread